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Guest Nibel

How To Identify A Victim Of Sexual Abuse?

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Guest Nibel

Hello everybody. This is my first post on this board and I am a M2F CD/TS. I came to this forum looking for informations on crossdressing and transexualism, but unfortunately the sexual abuse theme came into my life. I have a wife, we live together for over 3 years now. Ever since the beginning we have lots of trouble when talking about sex, and I needed to talk to her to explain my own condition. At first she had a good reaction when I told her about my crossdressing, but later when we discussed other topics sexuality-related some difficulties had become evident. She told me some quite disturbing situations involving her father and that she suspect that he abused her when she was a child, but she say that she don't have any memory of that, just some mixed thoughts. She say she can't remember anything from what happened to her before her 7 yo. Sometimes, when we have sex she would ask me to stop and starts to cry, when I ask her why she says that "it didn't feel it was you, it felt like was somebody else". That seems to be related with some specific positions and places (we still use some forniture that was from her house when she was a child, like a couch) that trigger this. These events are becoming more frequent as time passes. Last night she complained to me about a dream that she had involving her father abusing children and making bad things to her. Also, she has been diagnosed with ADHD which seems to be related somehow with child abuse.

My question is: does this sound like a case of child abuse? How do we find out if it really happened since she claims that have lost her memories? She says that want he to pay, but she is afraid that her mind is fooling her and making up these feelings. That abuse could've happened about 20 years ago, there is still something we can do to prove it happened and punish him? We though maybe would be a good idea to go find an hypnologist to see if that makes her remember what really happened.

Please, any help would be great.

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Guest Elizabeth K

Therapy - that's the only way I can think of for getting some answers. Child abuse is insideous - and varies so much. It doesn't even have to involve a sexual element, and can still destroy a person! You have the unenviable situation of dealing with yourself - AND your wife. BUT get that help you need, and start the healing process.

My thoughts. I am not trained to answer what you wrote on. If I had a similar story I might be able to comment. I guess that would be the next hope, others here can explain how it was for them.

Lizzy

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Guest

Hello Nibel,

Lizzy is right - get her to therapy. But do be prepared; sometimes retrieving old memories is very painful and she may be pretty unhapppy for a while. So, stay close to her, and make sure she feels secure with you - she'll need it.

I've been digging up the ugly stuff from my past, and it's sometimes difficult. I'm glad my therapist is helping me to deal with it as it happens. But sometimes too many memories can make a person feel down for a while.

Best of luck - it's not easy!

Love, Kat

PS - Welcome to Laura's Playground! I hope you can join in, and have some fun with us too!

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Guest ~Brenda~

Nibel hon,

I am sorry that your wife is suffering. Indeed therapy is a very good place to start.

Your questions are actually out of the scope of what Laura's Playground is all about.

Laura's is a Transgendered support site. This means that the purpose of what we do here is to help those who are transgendered know that they are not alone and that they have a safe haven to come to.

Your wife's issues require a different set of services than we can provide here.

I would like to welcome you here Nibel.

When you are ready, we can talk about your transness :)

Love

Brenda

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Guest Nibel

Hi everybody! We already tried therapy once but she stoped 3 months ago since it looked it was going nowhere. It was a bad experience for her and she kinda doesn't believe therapy anymore... but I'm still looking for someone who can help her, I'm just giving her sometime to get used to the idea again.

This issues need to be deal with since I know that dealing with a TG husband is already a great burden, now dealing with her past AND me could be a lot to her. She is very depressed because our general life issues like work and etc, so I am afraid what will happen to her if she has to deal with all that at once. I've put my crossdressing asside for that matter, and I feel I'm not just a crossdresser and I've talked about that to her, but I'm not pushing the subject too much because I fear the consequences. But yet I need to deal with myself too, so it's like a double edged sword...

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Guest

Hi Nibel,

Just like there's Laura's, I bet that there are support sites for victims of abuse (and for family members of victims). Perhaps you can google a place that would give her and you support without it being straight-out therapy. It might be enough support to get her feeling better.

It's a good thing that you're able to set your needs aside for a time to support your wife. I've done that for many years myself. But do take care of yourself too, or you won't be able to help her either.

Love, Kat

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Guest Nibel
Hi Nibel,

Just like there's Laura's, I bet that there are support sites for victims of abuse (and for family members of victims). Perhaps you can google a place that would give her and you support without it being straight-out therapy. It might be enough support to get her feeling better.

It's a good thing that you're able to set your needs aside for a time to support your wife. I've done that for many years myself. But do take care of yourself too, or you won't be able to help her either.

Love, Kat

Thank you all for the comments. I am supporting her in every way I can, but in truth our life is a big mess right now. We are living in her mother's house, which not only brings her a lot of her unpleasant memories from the past, also brings a constant dispute between her and her mother. I am also unemployed, so our economic situation is really bad. In this environment I can only dream about dealing with my issues. Even crossdressing is out of the line, since her mother is a very intolerant person and if she finds out there will be a big problem. I need to find a way out of here ASAP so we can have a proper life. I think once this economic situation gets solved we will have more space to be ourselves and then we will attack the bigger problems.

If I can ask for a little more help... I want to talk about living with a woman when you are a transsexual MTF, but I'm not sure which forum should I post. I want to read what other people say about how life became after transition and if the couple managed to stay together. I love my wife and I still want to live with her after transition, even if that means not having sex anymore.

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Guest Donna Jean

Well, Honey.....

It's got to be adding additional stress to be living in her mom's house and you being unemployed....not very good things...

Tell you what....

Why don't you post in this forum?

What you want to talk about would fit there, I think...

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...hp?showforum=14

I'm so sorry that things ar bad for you and her right now.....

Huggs

Donna Jean

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Guest Nibel

Thank you Donna. I will browse a little in that forum and post a new topic later. Probably things will get better soon, since I'm waiting for a reply on a job and it's a high probability that I will be hired. It's a stable job where I am sure they won't fire me for transgender issues, so it is the green light for starting my journey. Also, it means getting out from where I live now, so my wife will have a better environment too.

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Guest Ebany

I read this and felt your pain. I suspect I know how your wife feels; memories that aren't quite memories just flashes of emotion. It's hard to deal with and harder still to talk about because the honest answer to most questions is 'I don't know' It's important that you stop whatever you're doing and take note of what it is when you see her react badly. She may try to hide the reaction if you don't seem to care. It's hard to talk to a therapist about something when you don't know what's going on yourself so give her time. Regardless of what happened to her; it scarred her and won't go away by being ignored. Perhaps the best that can be hoped for is to learn her triggers are and avoid them. It warms my heart that you would put aside such an important part of who you are to help your wife. And yes, some couples weather the storm and survive a transition. I've been with my husband for over 10 years now and can't see me ever being with anyone else. He's my best friend and my companion and I would be lost with out him.

~Dani

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Guest Miss_Construe

I would say it would be good to assume she was abused. She doesn't want to talk about it so she isn't ready. If she doesn't remember than she probably isn't ready to talk. The people I have encountered with a past have all shared some symptoms as your partner. Your sex life is going to be very difficult. She is going to jump between super eager and violently opposed in a second. Here line will always be shifting and though her triggers remain consistent it is hard to tell what she is focused on at the moment. In my opinion she was abused, and by her father, and for an extended period of time. She has every right to explore those feelings and memories. A big caution I want to give is that things will get a LOT worse before they get better. She will lash out at whomever happens to be there. As you are loving and supportive then that may be you.

On the plus side you being a woman may help her be open with you.

As most who are diagnosed with ADHD, she was most likely mis-diagnosed by a lazy and incompetent provider placating a parent. The behaviour problems seen with young abuse victims can be a handful, which means her mother wasn't directly involved (though may or may not have known).

Give her hugs for me, or at lease well wishes.

That being said, I am not a licensed counsellor so these are just conjecture.

Hope my biased opinion helps,

<3

Amy

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