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Guest Kitt87

S/o Of Mtf Bedroom Question

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hi there, my girlfriend is currently pre-op mtf. we've only been together for about 3 months although in that short time i've noticed a significant drop in her sex drive. the first couple weeks we couldn't seem to get enough of each other, but now, she doesn't seem to be much interested. she said it's not my fault, and that she's never really been a very sexual person. i didn't know much about hrt and transitioning before we got together at all, and i still don't, but i have been reading about it a little and have learnt that hrt does decrease sex drive (?) ... but still can't help question that maybe part of it is me. maybe she's losing interest?

i guess what i'm asking is if this is normal, especially in such a short space or time.

- kitt

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Hello, Kitt...

Welcome to the Playground...

I'm Donna Jean....

Well, that's all very subjective, I guess....

I'll assume that she's on HRT...

That significantly decreases sex drive in many MTF's, but not all....some talk of still having plenty of drive and are able to get erections ...

My sex drive is gone, for instance , and I'm 16 months HRT, but I do desire to cuddle and touch....

So, it's very hard to say, Kitt.....everyone's drive differs ....how about a talk to her about it and tell her your desires and how you feel...it could just be a misunderstanding....

Good luck, Hon...

Donna Jean

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Hello, Kitt...

Welcome to the Playground...

I'm Donna Jean....

Well, that's all very subjective, I guess....

I'll assume that she's on HRT...

That significantly decreases sex drive in many MTF's, but not all....some talk of still having plenty of drive and are able to get erections ...

My sex drive is gone, for instance , and I'm 16 months HRT, but I do desire to cuddle and touch....

So, it's very hard to say, Kitt.....everyone's drive differs ....how about a talk to her about it and tell her your desires and how you feel...it could just be a misunderstanding....

Good luck, Hon...

Donna Jean

she's been on hrt for a few years, ability to get an erection isn't really a problem tho she finds it difficult to keep it which i completely understand is due to the hrt. i've spoken to her about it a couple times but she just tells me the same thing, that she's not a very sexual person as great as the sex is, and i should stop overthinking it. i don't want to keep bringing it up as i don't want her to think i'm only with her for that, it's not the most important thing in a relationship for me at all. i guess i just miss being physically close with her in that way like we was at the beginning.

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hello kitt87 :)

my gf is a pre-op mtf too. ive known her for 11 years and we've been together as a couple for almost 5 months. and she has problems keeping her erection, and in my case that made her not want to have intercourse. Estelle felt like she couldn't please me, so she became distant. with Estelle it was more psychological and her therapist helped her with it. we went to therapy together about this and now were back to the, cant get ur hands off each other stage and we both understand each other more in the bedroom. i don't want to get into detail ^_^ . have u tried telling her that u understand that maybe shes not a very sexual person, but u r and u miss it? just be honest with her and maybe u too can work something out.

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I don't know if this is the same for all of us MtF girls, but my sex drive hasn't really decreased--it's just changed (like so many other things). I've been on HRT going on 5 months (wow, already), and instead of the incessant need to get off every day just for the relief it provided (which was really annoying), now I just burn to be touched all over, to be caressed, to tilt my head back and just scream because it all feels so good.

*Ahem* sorry. I guess you can tell how long it's been since I've had sex, lol :). Oh, and about those nasty guy-parts down there...the next time I have sex, no matter what the gender of my partner is, I'll be surprised if it even responds at all. Generally, I think I'll just tell people to pretend all that stuff isn't there, since it isn't supposed to be anyway...

I want to be kissed, I want my hair pulled, and I want to be touched. My sex drive couldn't be any more different than it was when I identified as male.

And, oh, I'm 24 in case you were wondering. Hope this helps :). It was certainly fun to write, haha...

Ash

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thanks for the replies. i don't think she has insecurities about her ability to pleasure me, whether we use "it" or not there's no problem there. if anything i think i'm probably more insecure about my ability to pleasure her, tho we are still getting to know each other and figuring out what each other likes etc. i think you are right, ericab, with regards to talking to her. i'm just hesitant to bring it up again as i don't want her to think i'm pushing.

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thanks for the replies. i don't think she has insecurities about her ability to pleasure me, whether we use "it" or not there's no problem there. if anything i think i'm probably more insecure about my ability to pleasure her, tho we are still getting to know each other and figuring out what each other likes etc. i think you are right, ericab, with regards to talking to her. i'm just hesitant to bring it up again as i don't want her to think i'm pushing.

i completely understand ur insecurities. so that is something u have to talk to her about too. i also had some problems understanding how to please my gf, and the therapist explained it plain and simple. she told me to just ask Estelle. so i did. and i was also like u, like i didn't want to bring it up, but i had to or else our relationship wouldn't of gotten anywhere. to Estelle and i making love is very important and i think its something very special and it makes u feel more connected to the person u love. so just be honest and tell her how u feel. :)

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I obviously can't speak for your gf, but I maybe can tell you my situation which could possibly bring up some talking points for you.

I, like your gf, am a pre-op mtf lesbian, involved for 7 months with the most wonderful girl in the world.

I've been on HRT for 4 years, and other than removing the NEED for getting off daily, almost entirely eliminating my production of sperm or semen, and making sex a much more sensual experience, it has not damaged my ability or desire for sex. I can get (for lack of a more ladylike term) sexually arroused, am still very attracted to my gf, and (unfortunately) can still get erections without problem.

The thing about it is, I have no desire to use "it" AT ALL! Amazing sex for me is to pleasure my gf through oral or manual gratification, and (only because I do not yet have the equipment for her to do the same for me) I'm perfectly content just being there. This unfortunatly can create problem because most peopole aren't sexually satisfied unless they've successfully gotten their partner off. i have had gf's in the past who simply could not wrap her head around the fact that even though I had "it" and "it" still "worked" I had no desire to use it. Can I? <_< yes. Do I? :banghead:yes, on occasion. Afterward however, I just feel dirty, like i did something wrong. I've had this discussion numerous times with my gfr, and while I still occasionally cave into temptation, we still enjoy a fantastic sex life. I know deep down it will skyrocket to new heights once I have my surgery, because then we can do all the things we want to do so bad, and no one has the feeling of self conciousness to contend with.

So , again, i can't speak for your gf, but I would guess that's really all it comes down to. A self conciousness about her body that she afraid to talk to you about. It's a bizarre tug-of-war going on in one's mind between the heat-of-passion temptation to use "it" and the inner resolve not to.

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I obviously can't speak for your gf, but I maybe can tell you my situation which could possibly bring up some talking points for you.

I, like your gf, am a pre-op mtf lesbian, involved for 7 months with the most wonderful girl in the world.

I've been on HRT for 4 years, and other than removing the NEED for getting off daily, almost entirely eliminating my production of sperm or semen, and making sex a much more sensual experience, it has not damaged my ability or desire for sex. I can get (for lack of a more ladylike term) sexually arroused, am still very attracted to my gf, and (unfortunately) can still get erections without problem.

The thing about it is, I have no desire to use "it" AT ALL! Amazing sex for me is to pleasure my gf through oral or manual gratification, and (only because I do not yet have the equipment for her to do the same for me) I'm perfectly content just being there. This unfortunatly can create problem because most peopole aren't sexually satisfied unless they've successfully gotten their partner off. i have had gf's in the past who simply could not wrap her head around the fact that even though I had "it" and "it" still "worked" I had no desire to use it. Can I? <_< yes. Do I? :banghead:yes, on occasion. Afterward however, I just feel dirty, like i did something wrong. I've had this discussion numerous times with my gfr, and while I still occasionally cave into temptation, we still enjoy a fantastic sex life. I know deep down it will skyrocket to new heights once I have my surgery, because then we can do all the things we want to do so bad, and no one has the feeling of self conciousness to contend with.

So , again, i can't speak for your gf, but I would guess that's really all it comes down to. A self conciousness about her body that she afraid to talk to you about. It's a bizarre tug-of-war going on in one's mind between the heat-of-passion temptation to use "it" and the inner resolve not to.

I just went through about this same process with my soon to be ex wife. Only I had no functional ability with junior at all - so that wasn't in the formula. My wife at the time learned I could still be pleasured in other areas of which she developed an expertise. I was perfectly happy in getting her aroused and eventually satisfied - it was mostly what I needed - and with her help we could both be happy.

Just be glad your partner understands. My soon to be ex refused to have anything to do with me when I answered 'no choice' to her question, SRS or her?

It was very unfair as I had been working with her a year and a half to have her understand gender dysphoria. It was like she reverted back to the beginning - NO understanding, but worse, no support.

So we have parted ways and I am so sad. But like I said- no choice.

Lizzy

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I just went through about this same process with my soon to be ex wife. Only I had no functional ability with junior at all - so that wasn't in the formula. My wife at the time learned I could still be pleasured in other areas of which she developed an expertise. I was perfectly happy in getting her aroused and eventually satisfied - it was mostly what I needed - and with her help we could both be happy.

Just be glad your partner understands. My soon to be ex refused to have anything to do with me when I answered 'no choice' to her question, SRS or her?

It was very unfair as I had been working with her a year and a half to have her understand gender dysphoria. It was like she reverted back to the beginning - NO understanding, but worse, no support.

So we have parted ways and I am so sad. But like I said- no choice.

Lizzy

Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. :(

It's like I put in another post, what's more important in a relationship than understanding, support, and acceptance, is for them to WANT it as much as you do. Not just for you to be happy but to actually be excited about the new parts. Otherwise, there will always be a longing, and as noble as it is to put your lover's needs ahead of your own, it should not be expected of them. And that means both ways.

Look on the bright side. There's a whole world of people out there, and believe it or not, some of them want us to be the way we want to be. You'll find one. I did!

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I obviously can't speak for your gf, but I maybe can tell you my situation which could possibly bring up some talking points for you.

I, like your gf, am a pre-op mtf lesbian, involved for 7 months with the most wonderful girl in the world.

I've been on HRT for 4 years, and other than removing the NEED for getting off daily, almost entirely eliminating my production of sperm or semen, and making sex a much more sensual experience, it has not damaged my ability or desire for sex. I can get (for lack of a more ladylike term) sexually arroused, am still very attracted to my gf, and (unfortunately) can still get erections without problem.

The thing about it is, I have no desire to use "it" AT ALL! Amazing sex for me is to pleasure my gf through oral or manual gratification, and (only because I do not yet have the equipment for her to do the same for me) I'm perfectly content just being there. This unfortunatly can create problem because most peopole aren't sexually satisfied unless they've successfully gotten their partner off. i have had gf's in the past who simply could not wrap her head around the fact that even though I had "it" and "it" still "worked" I had no desire to use it. Can I? <_< yes. Do I? :banghead:yes, on occasion. Afterward however, I just feel dirty, like i did something wrong. I've had this discussion numerous times with my gfr, and while I still occasionally cave into temptation, we still enjoy a fantastic sex life. I know deep down it will skyrocket to new heights once I have my surgery, because then we can do all the things we want to do so bad, and no one has the feeling of self conciousness to contend with.

So , again, i can't speak for your gf, but I would guess that's really all it comes down to. A self conciousness about her body that she afraid to talk to you about. It's a bizarre tug-of-war going on in one's mind between the heat-of-passion temptation to use "it" and the inner resolve not to.

hi, your reply has really helped quite a lot. thinking about it, things seemed to dramatically slow down after the first time we used "it"... i wondered if that was the problem but thought maybe she would have talked about it if it was.

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Hello, Kitt...

That significantly decreases sex drive in many MTF's, but not all....some talk of still having plenty of drive and are able to get erections ...

Donna Jean

This is me... (HRT one year almost to the day). Usually it takes some real passion, and my wife treating me like a woman (sexually)-although, don't get me wrong, she turns me on like crazy (when the time is right). Sometimes, I don't mind just focusing on her :D

Anyway, my sex drive has dropped off considerably, but its not gone, and honestly at this rate, i don't see it vanishing altogether.

Melanie Dawn

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Kitt,

I'm sure my wife has these same thoughts that it's her and I haven't even started HRT. The most powerful sex organ is the brain and there are obvious issues that come up and lines that get crossed and an event that is supposed to be a wonderful shared experience ends up draining and painful. Or like I tell my wife-I've just never been into sex.

Kar

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hi, your reply has really helped quite a lot. thinking about it, things seemed to dramatically slow down after the first time we used "it"... i wondered if that was the problem but thought maybe she would have talked about it if it was.

It can be very difficult for MTF girls to talk about this problem. Even if HRT has been consistent for years, the emotions and insecurities that are tied to a pre-op girl's genitals have a profound effect on her psychological state during sex. I was living with a girlfriend I had back in 2005 and we had somewhat similar problems to the ones you have described. I remember my thoughts at the time swimming around trying to avoid how confusing it was to let something that I despised so much (my male genitalia) make me feel sexual pleasure. It is a very complex time. For me, it was actually painful to get an erection and maintain it for any considerable amount of time. On top of that, ejaculation was a bit like dry heaving and could be both painful and pleasant.

The best thing that you can do for your MTF partner is communicate with her about what her true level of comfort is regarding this very sensitive issue. It sounds like you two already have excellent communication and that's wonderful! Keep talking and asking specific questions about each other's comfort levels and you will find a happy medium that will satisfy you both.

The things that she is experiencing are most certainly not related to her level of attraction to you, Kitt. I was very attracted sexually to my partner at the time and for me that almost made it more awkward and difficult to use my penis when we had sex. Part of me really wanted to and another part was repulsed by the very notion of it. After a while and some practice, I was able to put it out of my mind when I was in the moment, but there were still some very basic emotions that it brought up as a result of the act. Had we stayed together long enough I may have reached a point where I was more comfortable using my penis. Then again, maybe not. What it really comes down to is compromise and finding that common ground that satisfies you both comfortably and intimately.

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It does vary quite a bit. My drive is more bi-polarized since I went on hrt but mine has over-all decreased as well. I feel I kind of match the Katy Perry song "Hot n Cold"

I also found that I'm more emotional about sex.

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I doubt it's that she's losing interest. My girl's sex drive is there but she hasn't come to bed with me to actually act on it; it doesn't mean she's not interested in doing so. (Granted, she's pre-e, so...slightly different scenario. But my point remains the same.) Alternately, as a pre-everything FTM I still have a female hormone balance and...well, I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but sometimes estrogens simply kill your sex drive. Unlike you or me, your girlfriend probably doesn't have a varying cycle where her sex drive could change. Her levels are probably pretty consistent.

Perhaps she'd prefer that you were the active/penetrating partner. (Which will require getting some extra "tools.") I can't say for sure that this is the case, but it's worth bringing up with her. For some girls it can be validating.

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Perhaps she'd prefer that you were the active/penetrating partner. (Which will require getting some extra "tools.") I can't say for sure that this is the case, but it's worth bringing up with her. For some girls it can be validating.

I'd be very very careful when bringing this up, especially if your girl identifies as a lesbian. For me, as a lesbian (not all lesbians) the thought of "penetrating" OR "being penetrated" is not very attractive at all. My gf feels the same. Even if she is into "penetration" she may not like her options at the moment (if you know what I mean). Perhaps, being "the initiator" might be more effective and a good place to start before exploring other "avenues".

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For me to use my man bits the way they were designed to be uses, penetrative intercourse, just confuses the heck out of me. I have been on HRT for two years and my mental map of myself is all woman. My mind says that I am not supposed to have those bits but there they are, so aside from peeing meh do nothing with them.

Sex for me is all about touching, caressing and sensuality. I have had some of the best orgasms of my life (full body orgasms) and never had someone near my genitals. I can spend all night in touch, cuddle and caress mode and have the best time imaginable.

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Hi Kitt and welcome to the forums hon.

Now hon, no need to over analyze this situation. To specifically answer your question.... Yes it is quite normal for the sex to drop off after three months from the first couple of weeks. We have all been there... meet someone and the sparks just fly.... after a month or two... the flames die down to a more sustainable ember.

Actually what really is happening is that you two are now getting more serious and are getting to know one another. Your bodies got to know one another in the first couple of weeks. Now your minds are getting to know one another.

Oh, as you two get to know more about each other. Sex will take on new dimensions :)

Love

Brenda

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