Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Ftm Crossdresser But Not Transsexual


Guest tzarIvan

Recommended Posts

Guest tzarIvan

Hey ladies! I'm just posting this because I am SO fed up with the fact that no matter how hard I look for a forum to find people like me I can't find one. Even if I don't find any one else here like me I want everyone else to know that people like me exist. I don't know where all the other ftms are, but I'm sure they are out there somewhere. Otherwise we wouldn't have drag kings. I am biologically female and identify as female, not as a transsexual. However, I find I can relate to a lot of people on this site because I am a transvestite. I know what you're thinking, how can a female be a transvestite since it's already socially acceptable for them to crossdress. Here is where for at least females, I believe the definition of crossdressing and transvestism differ. If you are a girl who happens to wear boys close once in a while, or even most of the time that, in my eyes, doesn't make you a transvestite. True ftm transvestites I feel are not socially accepted at all. This transvestism for me includes wearing boys close most of the time, not shaving, sleeping/wearing male boxers, swimming in male bathing suits, wearing ties, maybe having fake facial hair, etc.

Personally I first got into crossdressing around 9th grade and dressing in my brother's clothes when no one was home. I first was into gender role-play probably when I was about 3. I remember knowing I was a girl but I remember asking myself at that early age if I would rather be a boy. When I thought of myself, I mentally pictured myself as a boy and whenever I played imaginary games with my friends like when they would all pretend to be princesses, I always wanted to be a prince or male. I don't really know why, I guess it was just something I felt more comfortable identifying with. However when I transferred to an all girls school this all was forgotten. It wasn't until around 9th grad or the beginning of high school just around the time I was going through puberty when that part of me that was always male came back. I was slightly horrified at the changes I was going through and confused. I thought maybe I was a transsexual and there was a time period where I did bind my breasts. However, I now accept and love my female body and am happy being female. For me, I think the fear was coming through because I was afraid by becoming female I would completely lose that male side of me but now I know that that is not possible and it will always be there. I realize that I am not transsexual because I do not want to live my whole life as male, but I do realize I am not "normal" because I do want to live at least part of my life as male. I am sick of suppressing it and frustrated that I can only fully crossdress in the privacy of my own home. The "crossdressing" I do outside of my home is simply not enough for me. This also challenged me for awhile because I did not know how to incorporate the male side of myself into my life since I only wanted to be male occasionally but I now feel I found the answer in drag. I long to be a drag king and feel that finally this outlet will satisfy all my transvestite needs. Fortunately I will be going to college next year, and believe that then I will be able to live my life more openly and fulfill my dream of becoming a drag king.

To those of you now wondering if I am a drag king does this make me not really a crossdresser, well that's up to you but Sally Stone said really nicely what I feel (except reverse the genders):

This desire transcends crossdressing. As a crossdresser I can feel great and attain a great amount of joy simply by dressing as a woman in the privacy of my home. This doesn't satisfy me though. I need to showcase my style and the only way to do that is go out in public. I want to share my fashion sense with the rest of the world. I want them to see the color and the flair. In essence, I am a performer, and I need the public as my audience. I believe this need to express my fashion sense is what makes me less of a crossdresser and more of a drag queen.

In my personal journey I've also discovered that I am bisexual, something I view as separate from my crossdressing --If I was straight, I'm sure I would still love to crossdress--but compliments it (especially being a drag king) nicely. For me being also attracted to girls helps make the male impersonation I love so much more real.

I know this was a really long post but I've never been able to express this much about my trans-identity, and I thank you for your time, for allowing me to open myself up to you, and giving me a place to give the very invisible but NOT nonexistent ftm crossdressers a voice.

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Welcome tzarIvan,

I think you'll find you are not alone here!

Link to comment
Guest Michelle M

On the documentary "TransGeneration" there's an FTM going to college, and he's in a drag king troupe with 3 other campus FTMs. Even thought you aren't transsexual, they would most likely welcome you with open arms. Hopefully you can find a club like that when you go off to college.

Link to comment
Guest Sandy

Hi! I had to smile when you mentioned that you would pick the part of being a prince when you played with your friends. Whenever I played board games or video games. I would let my friends or family pick their players first. That way the girl players would only be left. Then I would have to pretend that darn, now I have to be the princess or Mrs White with a candlestick. Secretly I was very happy. We now have a wiii and on the bowling game we can create our own player. With my family looking on, I had to make a male player. Dam! I have the chance to make the female character I would much rather be and I can't.

Link to comment
Guest tzarIvan

Thank you all for your warm welcome! That would be awesome Michelle, I will have to see that documentary, but I do hope to join/create a drag king troupe. Fortunately there will be several colleges around where I'm going so between them all there should be enough interest in doing drag. I'm glad I made you smile Sandy, I really hope that you'll have the chance to be that female character soon. I know it just feels more right that way! Thanks Nick, I'm glad to hear it.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Steveanna

Hi Tzarlvan,

Thank you for sharing your life with us. I have been thinking, have you read about androgynous CD. I am MTF CD Androgynous. I took the COGIATI test and am convinced the results hit the nail on the head about myself. I think maybe you might want to take this test too. You might be FTM CD ANDROGYNOUS.? Best wishes.

Steveanna

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Vieja

Hi TzarIvan, For a bit more interaction with F to M CDs you could take a look into crossdressers.com. Just like here there is a F to M CD section. You might meet a few others that don't check in here.

Vieja

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 169 Guests (See full list)

    • MaybeRob
    • Mirrabooka
    • Heather Shay
    • KathyLauren
    • Pip
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      When do you know you've had enough surgery?
    • Heather Shay
      Another week completed with more inregration.
    • Heather Shay
      Relief (emotion) Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Relief_(emotion)         Relief is a positive emotion experienced when something unpleasant, painful or distressing has not happened or has come to an end.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...