What Am I? Can I Have A Chance To "become" Who I Feel Right?

[Guest symempathy]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time in this forum. I will go straight to my problem because I believe a lot of you here have experience which can help me. I am a biological male, by the way.

I was born in Vietnam. I was always a tom boy when I was a child. I was quite aggressive and mostly played rough games. When I was about 10 years and up, my personality completely changed without any reason. I became soft and quiet and feminine. Any one around me could see that, especially my classmates. I also realized that I was attracted to men. I usually laid my eyes on the boys at school. At that time, I did not have any knowledge about sexuality.

When I was 18, I came to the US. I started to understand about human sexuality after taking a course in college. Initially, I thought maybe I was a gay person. However, unlike other gay men, I was never comfortable with me being a man. I can never fully be feminine. When I was in Vietnam, I had to monitor my behavior so it was not too feminine because kids at school usually ridiculed me whenever my gestures were girl-like. In the US, everything is different. For 7 years in this wonderful country, no body has ever judged me or used jokes to tease my behavior. I can be relaxed around people. Nevertheless, I still have to control my behavior when I communicate with them. I don't feel comfortable to express my full feminine side. I somewhat have to let the "man" part neutralizes my feminine behavior. I am always afraid of what people will think about me even though every one is friendly with me. This feeling has been happening for 7 years. Now I am 25. I am still uncomfortable with my dominant feminine side; I feel like I would dishonor my biological male body if I let my femininity soar. Certainly, I don't want to be masculine. It is like I am acting to mask my intense femininity. Apparently, I can only be masculine to certain extent because I cannot suppress my feminine side very well. Even my parents can see it. They just don't know my struggle.

I know that to be a transsexual person, I need to feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, right? I don't really have that kind of feeling. Instead, it's more like my dominant femininity meets a barrier which is my male body. No matter how tolerant the environment I am in, I can never feel relaxed to behave like a girl in guy's body. I wish somehow I could have a female body, so I can be comfortable with my real expression.

By the way, when I say feminine behavior, I don't mean that I'm interested in fancy clothes, makeup, jewelry, hair styles even though I do manicure and pedicure every week and use some pins on my hair (dark color, of course, to avoid people's attention). I do wear women's clothes and shoes, but they are workout ones. I only use them in the fitness class. After that, I change back into my man's clothes so I don't have to worry about people starring at me although I don't see any thing strange when I wear female workout clothes in my exercise class.

Honestly, I don't know whether I am a true transsexual person, but I am quite sure that I don't mind having a female's body. I want to get out of the struggling I have. I hope you guys can give me some insights.

Thank you and I'm sorry for my long post. English is not my first language, so I have to explain in long sentences to prevent confusion, which I think you may have after reading what I write. Thank you for your patience.

MinhAnh Nguyen

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time in this forum. I will go straight to my problem because I believe a lot of you here have experience which can help me. I am a biological male, by the way.

I was born in Vietnam. I was always a tom boy when I was a child. I was quite aggressive and mostly played rough games. When I was about 10 years and up, my personality completely changed without any reason. I became soft and quiet and feminine. Any one around me could see that, especially my classmates. I also realized that I was attracted to men. I usually laid my eyes on the boys at school. At that time, I did not have any knowledge about sexuality.

When I was 18, I came to the US. I started to understand about human sexuality after taking a course in college. Initially, I thought maybe I was a gay person. However, unlike other gay men, I was never comfortable with me being a man. I can never fully be feminine. When I was in Vietnam, I had to monitor my behavior so it was not too feminine because kids at school usually ridiculed me whenever my gestures were girl-like. In the US, everything is different. For 7 years in this wonderful country, no body has ever judged me or used jokes to tease my behavior. I can be relaxed around people. Nevertheless, I still have to control my behavior when I communicate with them. I don't feel comfortable to express my full feminine side. I somewhat have to let the "man" part neutralizes my feminine behavior. I am always afraid of what people will think about me even though every one is friendly with me. This feeling has been happening for 7 years. Now I am 25. I am still uncomfortable with my dominant feminine side; I feel like I would dishonor my biological male body if I let my femininity soar. Certainly, I don't want to be masculine. It is like I am acting to mask my intense femininity. Apparently, I can only be masculine to certain extent because I cannot suppress my feminine side very well. Even my parents can see it. They just don't know my struggle.

I know that to be a transsexual person, I need to feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, right? I don't really have that kind of feeling. Instead, it's more like my dominant femininity meets a barrier which is my male body. No matter how tolerant the environment I am in, I can never feel relaxed to behave like a girl in guy's body. I wish somehow I could have a female body, so I can be comfortable with my real expression.

By the way, when I say feminine behavior, I don't mean that I'm interested in fancy clothes, makeup, jewelry, hair styles even though I do manicure and pedicure every week and use some pins on my hair (dark color, of course, to avoid people's attention). I do wear women's clothes and shoes, but they are workout ones. I only use them in the fitness class. After that, I change back into my man's clothes so I don't have to worry about people starring at me although I don't see any thing strange when I wear female workout clothes in my exercise class.

Honestly, I don't know whether I am a true transsexual person, but I am quite sure that I don't mind having a female's body. I want to get out of the struggling I have. I hope you guys can give me some insights.

Thank you and I'm sorry for my long post. English is not my first language, so I have to explain in long sentences to prevent confusion, which I think you may have after reading what I write. Thank you for your patience.

MinhAnh Nguyen

Hey Welcome to Laura's

that's not always the case

And you can transition The best place to start would be to find a gender therapist. There is a list on the main page of gender therapists.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

[JenniferB]

Welcome to Laura's Playground MinhAnh,

This is a good place to find answers. Stick around I think you will like it here. And you write English probably better than I do and I've lived in the USA all my life.

Anyway my first thought is you should find a quality gender therapist in your area. A GT can help you answer the questions you have and help you find your place on the gender spectrum.

Love Jenny

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome MinhAnh,

Dearheart, now just relax... OK? Being transgendered is extremely complicated. I do urge you to see a gender therapist.

There is not any one way to be transgendered hon. Transgender expression is infinite.

Now, my love, I want you to just be calm and be yourself. You are among friends of like mind here.

Everything will be OK honey

Love

Brenda

[Guest symempathy]

Hey Welcome to Laura's

that's not always the case

And you can transition The best place to start would be to find a gender therapist. There is a list on the main page of gender therapists.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Thank you very much, Alex.

Can you please explain why it is not always the case? Thanks

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Thank you very much, Alex.

Can you please explain why it is not always the case? Thanks

Well I have known many that did not exactly feel trapped in the wrong body, more they just knew they were a man or a woman. And the feelings you are explaining are what a lot of people experience.

[Guest symempathy]

Welcome to Laura's Playground MinhAnh,

This is a good place to find answers. Stick around I think you will like it here. And you write English probably better than I do and I've lived in the USA all my life.

Anyway my first thought is you should find a quality gender therapist in your area. A GT can help you answer the questions you have and help you find your place on the gender spectrum.

Love Jenny

Thank you, Jenny

Since you are a female, I hope you can give me an answer. To others, please don't think that I am discriminating against you guys. Jenny's stated gender is female, so I assume that she is a natal female. Hence, Jenny may know well what socially and psychologically makes a person female. I apologize if my assumption is wrong.

Jenny, can you please tell me what your feelings are like, given the fact that you are a female?

I will find a gender therapist for my issue, but I want to acknowledge a bit about female and gender roles. I cannot say that I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body because I am not sure how a woman feels. I assume that women's mental thinking may not be like men's. I am only sure that my feminine trait is dominant over my masculine trait. I can only say that my femininity will be freed if it meets the right body, a woman's body. That is how I feel.

The reason why I do not dare to say I feel like a woman in a male body is because some of my interests and feelings are not of women. For example,

a) I dress very simply. Fashion is not my taste.

I do not care about makeup. I don't want to sound arrogant, but looking in the mirror, I feel proud of my skin.

c) I like children, but I never picture myself becoming a parent.

d) I only go shopping if I really need to buy important stuff for my apartment. I don't like spend hours in stores.

e) I am physically active. However, I am not into dancing.

d) I don't like gossiping although I usually talk about relationship with my classmates.

f) I cook, but I only like simple recipes. I'm never into food network like my mom or aunts.

g) I used to try wearing perfume for a while. Then I realize that it is not for me.

h) I don't swear. I only say nice words to people. But I cannot chit chat like most girls at my age. I simply cannot find ongoing topic to discuss. In fact, I'm not a good talker, only a good listener.

i) I'm not interested in celebrities' news. I sometimes take a look at Prevention or Women's Health magazines, but I don't care about People, Cosmopolitan, Play Boy, Vogue, etc.

That is why I don't dare to say that a woman is trapped inside my body. I left Vietnam when I was 18, and I didn't socialize well in that country. Thus, I have not seen various aspects of women's role. I can only see my mom' stereotypical gender role for a woman. We share many similar aspects of female role, but we are also very different. I guess it is because I was strictly raised to be a boy.

I hope you can share with me your experience. Thank you, Jenny

MinhAnh

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Thank you, Jenny

Since you are a female, I hope you can give me an answer. To others, please don't think that I am discriminating against you guys. Jenny's stated gender is female, so I assume that she is a natal female. Hence, Jenny may know well what socially and psychologically makes a person female. I apologize if my assumption is wrong.

Jenny, can you please tell me what your feelings are like, given the fact that you are a female?

I will find a gender therapist for my issue, but I want to acknowledge a bit about female and gender roles. I cannot say that I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body because I am not sure how a woman feels. I assume that women's mental thinking may not be like men's. I am only sure that my feminine trait is dominant over my masculine trait. I can only say that my femininity will be freed if it meets the right body, a woman's body. That is how I feel.

The reason why I do not dare to say I feel like a woman in a male body is because some of my interests and feelings are not of women. For example,

a) I dress very simply. Fashion is not my taste.

I do not care about makeup. I don't want to sound arrogant, but looking in the mirror, I feel proud of my skin.

c) I like children, but I never picture myself becoming a parent.

d) I only go shopping if I really need to buy important stuff for my apartment. I don't like spend hours in stores.

e) I am physically active. However, I am not into dancing.

d) I don't like gossiping although I usually talk about relationship with my classmates.

f) I cook, but I only like simple recipes. I'm never into food network like my mom or aunts.

g) I used to try wearing perfume for a while. Then I realize that it is not for me.

h) I don't swear. I only say nice words to people. But I cannot chit chat like most girls at my age. I simply cannot find ongoing topic to discuss. In fact, I'm not a good talker, only a good listener.

i) I'm not interested in celebrities' news. I sometimes take a look at Prevention or Women's Health magazines, but I don't care about People, Cosmopolitan, Play Boy, Vogue, etc.

That is why I don't dare to say that a woman is trapped inside my body. I left Vietnam when I was 18, and I didn't socialize well in that country. Thus, I have not seen various aspects of women's role. I can only see my mom' stereotypical gender role for a woman. We share many similar aspects of female role, but we are also very different. I guess it is because I was strictly raised to be a boy.

I hope you can share with me your experience. Thank you, Jenny

MinhAnh

I will say that those things aren't what makes someone a man or woman, there are men who enjoy doing what some people will call feminine things and there are women who enjoy doing what some people call masculine things. Gender isn't just black and white, there is a very large gray area.

[Guest symempathy]

Well I have known many that did not exactly feel trapped in the wrong body, more they just knew they were a man or a woman. And the feelings you are explaining are what a lot of people experience.

Thank you, Alex.

Well, that is also my problem. Since coming to the US, I have seen women and men share and trade their roles. Hence, I have no idea what makes a person man or woman. I feel secured with my femininity. It's just that I can't let it out freely as I wish. However, I'm not so sure that is enough to be a woman.

You are right I need a therapist. For now, I have to live for my parents. They are going to freak out if they know the truth. Last time, when I said to my mom, "I wish I could become a good-hearted woman like you."

"No, you are a man. You are my son," said she with a face like she was in shock. I immediately had to distract her with a joke.

I don't feel ashamed where I came from, but being Vietnamese is so difficult. Children have an obligation to make their parents proud and happy. Now I am a US citizen, but that does not mean I can do whatever I want. I guess I need to hang on for a while until my parents pass away with happiness or they become more American. I really hope they are the later ones. Although I see conservative white American people on media, I seldom meet any mean or intolerant Caucasians. I wish I was born American. You are luckier than I am.

What I can response to my current feeling is that I choose a woman's body because I sincerely believe my inner femininity lives in harmony with it much more easily than it does with a man's body.

I hope you can share your experience with me, so I can relate. Thank you.

MinhAnh

[Guest ScifiComicDUDE]

a) I dress very simply. Fashion is not my taste.

I do not care about makeup. I don't want to sound arrogant, but looking in the mirror, I feel proud of my skin.

c) I like children, but I never picture myself becoming a parent.

d) I only go shopping if I really need to buy important stuff for my apartment. I don't like spend hours in stores.

e) I am physically active. However, I am not into dancing.

d) I don't like gossiping although I usually talk about relationship with my classmates.

f) I cook, but I only like simple recipes. I'm never into food network like my mom or aunts.

g) I used to try wearing perfume for a while. Then I realize that it is not for me.

h) I don't swear. I only say nice words to people. But I cannot chit chat like most girls at my age. I simply cannot find ongoing topic to discuss. In fact, I'm not a good talker, only a good listener.

i) I'm not interested in celebrities' news. I sometimes take a look at Prevention or Women's Health magazines, but I don't care about People, Cosmopolitan, Play Boy, Vogue, etc.

Hi, this is an interesting list you have here, but nevertheless very stereotypical, things like gossiping, shopping loads, being talkative, and celebrity craze do not apply to all females in fact you will find loads of males with the same interest...U can be an MtF trans and still like heavy metal, football & a beer or an FTM trans with interest in celebs, fashion and soaps(meh)...

hope i didnt come to strongly....7 good lucky in discovering yrself...

[Guest symempathy]

Hi, this is an interesting list you have here, but nevertheless very stereotypical, things like gossiping, shopping loads, being talkative, and celebrity craze do not apply to all females in fact you will find loads of males with the same interest...U can be an MtF trans and still like heavy metal, football & a beer or an FTM trans with interest in celebs, fashion and soaps(meh)...

hope i didnt come to strongly....7 good lucky in discovering yrself...

Thank you for your answer, ScifiComicDUDE

You are right. Those things are stereotypes about gender role. I guess I will have to get over them to be myself.

Your profile shows that you are from UK. Your country is very relaxing toward these issues about sex and gender, isn't it?

I really admire transsexual people who can mask themselves into gender traits that fit their biological sex. For me, I can never do it, I mean, not entirely.

I feel uncomfortable when I have to be macho around a crowd (I feel more relaxed to be feminine if I have an interpersonal discussion), but I am also worried being the target of bullying if I act completely feminine.

Were you ever in my position or do you know someone who is like me?

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Try not to think about who you are right now. Your preferences don't make you a man or a woman. Instead, focus on what you want. Do you want a feminine body? Female genitals? Do you want people to look at you and see a woman? If you answer questions like that, whether or not you like to wear makeup doesn't matter. The goal isn't to label yourself, it's to find out what makes you comfortable.

For example, I'm a born-male. I dress like a male and have a pretty masculine personality. However, the thought of getting hairier or having a deep voice frightens me. I'd rather have a woman's body. Less body hair. No facial hair. Curves. And even breasts (especially breasts). All at the same time, I don't feel like a man or a woman. I just know how I want to look. I'm taking feminizing hormones and plan to pursue hair removal. But, unlike a stereotypical transsexual, I'm not changing my wardrobe and I don't plan going around and telling people I'm a woman now.

Just figure out what you want and do it. Don't worry about labels.

[Guest symempathy]

Try not to think about who you are right now. Your preferences don't make you a man or a woman. Instead, focus on what you want. Do you want a feminine body? Female genitals? Do you want people to look at you and see a woman? If you answer questions like that, whether or not you like to wear makeup doesn't matter. The goal isn't to label yourself, it's to find out what makes you comfortable.

For example, I'm a born-male. I dress like a male and have a pretty masculine personality. However, the thought of getting hairier or having a deep voice frightens me. I'd rather have a woman's body. Less body hair. No facial hair. Curves. And even breasts (especially breasts). All at the same time, I don't feel like a man or a woman. I just know how I want to look. I'm taking feminizing hormones and plan to pursue hair removal. But, unlike a stereotypical transsexual, I'm not changing my wardrobe and I don't plan going around and telling people I'm a woman now.

Just figure out what you want and do it. Don't worry about labels.

Thank you very much, JO

You describe exactly what I feel. Yes, I want curves; I want to have long hair; I like soft voice; I don't want facial hairs. Sorry for being graphic, when I imagine myself making love with a guy, I feel like a woman sleeping with a man.

I think I simply feel intimidated by other women, specifically American women, even though they never make fun of my behavior. They are taller than I am, yet they look very feminine. I envy them because they have what I currently don't. Like you, I don't exactly feel like a woman. I believe if I was raised in the US, I will feel different about men and women. After all, comtemporary gender role in this culture seems overlapped. In contrast, I was raised in Vietnamese culture, where roles between men and women are still distinct.

[Guest Donna Jean]

a) I dress very simply. Fashion is not my taste.

I do not care about makeup. I don't want to sound arrogant, but looking in the mirror, I feel proud of my skin.

c) I like children, but I never picture myself becoming a parent.

d) I only go shopping if I really need to buy important stuff for my apartment. I don't like spend hours in stores.

e) I am physically active. However, I am not into dancing.

d) I don't like gossiping although I usually talk about relationship with my classmates.

f) I cook, but I only like simple recipes. I'm never into food network like my mom or aunts.

g) I used to try wearing perfume for a while. Then I realize that it is not for me.

h) I don't swear. I only say nice words to people. But I cannot chit chat like most girls at my age. I simply cannot find ongoing topic to discuss. In fact, I'm not a good talker, only a good listener.

i) I'm not interested in celebrities' news. I sometimes take a look at Prevention or Women's Health magazines, but I don't care about People, Cosmopolitan, Play Boy, Vogue, etc.

MinhAnh

Hello, Hon....

Welcome to the Playground...

I'm Donna Jean...

First let me say that I've been to your country, although, not under the best of circumstances...I was there in 1969-70...

I'm also a bio-male and most of the things that you describe above would of described me to a "T"!

I am 60 now and grew up doing the masculine things...

But, I had a deep secret...

Now I'm realizing myself...but, it took some time in therapy to get it all to the top...

It's all very complicated...

And, not everyone transitions all the way...people stop all along the gender spectrum...There are no rules...You go to where ever you are comfortable then stop.

I think that you have a lot to discover about yourself yet.

Oh, and I do understand about your culture regarding your parents...

I'm happy that you're here!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ScifiComicDUDE]

Thank you for your answer, ScifiComicDUDE

You are right. Those things are stereotypes about gender role. I guess I will have to get over them to be myself.

Your profile shows that you are from UK. Your country is very relaxing toward these issues about sex and gender, isn't it?

I really admire transsexual people who can mask themselves into gender traits that fit their biological sex. For me, I can never do it, I mean, not entirely.

I feel uncomfortable when I have to be macho around a crowd (I feel more relaxed to be feminine if I have an interpersonal discussion), but I am also worried being the target of bullying if I act completely feminine.

Were you ever in my position or do you know someone who is like me?

yeah im from the UK.....though im not really native...but i live here..i would say its laws are good in protecting trans people & the like...but the transition isnt so easy u have to go through a lot of loopholes...are u in the USA now? ...i think if a very good country for sex & gender stuff....u are in good hands...

yes i was once in yr position...i had a hard time distinguishing my interests and my gender identity, but this forum as well as other sources helped me to find myself (FTM)...in real life im still hiding too though coz of fear of other peoples reactions....dont worry in time it will all come clear to u were u stand...information is key....

[Guest symempathy]

yeah im from the UK.....though im not really native...but i live here..i would say its laws are good in protecting trans people & the like...but the transition isnt so easy u have to go through a lot of loopholes...are u in the USA now? ...i think if a very good country for sex & gender stuff....u are in good hands...

yes i was once in yr position...i had a hard time distinguishing my interests and my gender identity, but this forum as well as other sources helped me to find myself (FTM)...in real life im still hiding too though coz of fear of other peoples reactions....dont worry in time it will all come clear to u were u stand...information is key....

Hello,

Thanks for your answer. Can you tell me why transition is not easy in UK? I know that we have to go through a long process because gender therapists want us to be consistent with our choice. However, if there is national law protection for LGBT people, shouldn't it be less stressful?

Yes, I am living in the USA, and I have been a US citizen for two years. However, I still feel inferior a bit because I am Vietnamese. I am not ashamed of where I came from. It's only that not being Caucasian makes me feel more uncomfortable. Fortunately, I haven't been discriminated against by any body. I guess my behavior makes people, even police, less defensive.

Let me ask you this. How do you differentiate your identity, sexual preference, gender expression, and gender role interest? I feel like I cannot separate these things. My interests are not completely female stuff, but most of them relate to females, at least women from my culture. If I don't restrict myself, I can be just as feminine as other women, if not more. Even though I don't feel exactly like a woman trapped in a man body, I feel more comfortable and more connected when I talk to women. And of course, I like men. It's not simply a single factor, which is gender identity. Everything about me makes me want to be a female. I read a few cases of transwomen, and most of them had an identical answer: they intensely felt trapped in a male body. While I do feel uncomfortable with my body because I view it as a barrier for my personality, I don't feel as strongly trapped as they do, but other factors of my gender and sexuality intensifies that feeling. Does it make sense?

[Guest Roux]

Hello there. =)

Since coming to the US, I have seen women and men share and trade their roles. Hence, I have no idea what makes a person man or woman.

If it's any comfort, there are countless undergraduate and graduate level courses taught on this (and relating) subjects, in countless different gender-studies programs, in countless colleges and universities across the States (and beyond!). This probably wouldn't be the case if the complexities of gender were easy to understand. Should you approach a hundred random Americans and ask, "What makes a person a man or a woman, other than (or ignoring) genitalia?", the vast majority of them would likely be unsure of how to answer, or would answer with stereotypes. This is definitely not a topic that Americans understand perfectly. Please don't mind that you don't understand it perfectly, either.

We all know our own private experiences and desires, and that (in my opinion) is what really matters. It's interesting and enlightening to study gender in society, gender construction, and whatever else you might learn in a college course. But (in my opinion) what should matter most to you right now is that you become intimately acquainted with your own self, not the views--educated or ignorant, as the case may be--of society.

I feel secured with my femininity. It's just that I can't let it out freely as I wish. However, I'm not so sure that is enough to be a woman.

And it sounds like you do know your self. Someone who is secure with her femininity, and would love to express it more--with or without a female body--? If you wish to call yourself a woman, and it makes you happy to do so, then that's the important thing.

It's true that there will always be people out there who will claim that a woman must meet certain criteria before she can really be called a woman--physical requirements, hobbies, emotional and mental traits, the fulfillment of a role such as 'mother'--but those people don't matter. Your happiness is what you should be focusing on. =)

The goal isn't to label yourself, it's to find out what makes you comfortable.

Just quoting this because it's well said and bears repeating.

How do you differentiate your identity, sexual preference, gender expression, and gender role interest? I feel like I cannot separate these things.

Someone might have a great piece of insight to offer, but this sounds like something that will take a lot of discussion with a therapist to really figure out.

I read a few cases of transwomen, and most of them had an identical answer: they intensely felt trapped in a male body. While I do feel uncomfortable with my body because I view it as a barrier for my personality, I don't feel as strongly trapped as they do, but other factors of my gender and sexuality intensifies that feeling. Does it make sense?

It does make sense! But not every transwoman feels the same degree of emotion (positive, negative, or neutral) towards her body. One of my closest friends is a transwoman who has a full beard, bulky/muscular body, and mostly masculine wardrobe. She's definitely a woman, but she doesn't feel particularly trapped within a hated body. Many transwomen opt for HRT, but not surgery. Others, sadly, would rather die than remain in a male body any longer.

On the other hand, there are often situations (social, sexual, romantic, whatever) in which your relationship with or view of your body might change, for the better or worse. My bearded friend desperately wishes that she could be a mother, and for many years would become deeply depressed and angry at her body whenever she saw a pregnant woman. Though she is usually content living with her male body, that one situation severely intensifies her dysphoria. (She handles it much better now, but still.)

Even if you didn't feel terribly uncomfortable in your body; even if your hobbies were mostly on the 'masculine' side, and you don't have a single maternal instinct or desire in you--so long as you feel like you are a woman, then you are a woman. Don't let stereotypes or rigid gender roles tell you otherwise. (Easier said than done! But we're here to wish you luck. You can do it.)

Uh, sorry for writing an epic-length response. I think I got carried away.

[Guest symempathy]

Hello Roux

I am definitely enlightened by your knowledge. I can't imagine these are words from a Texan. Please don't feel offended when I say this. I have only been living in California since I came to the US. I don't know about other states. I only hear that Southern states are highly conservative and reserved, and Texas is a typical example. Whether it is true or not, I don't know. Hence, please forgive me for ignorance.

It does make sense! But not every transwoman feels the same degree of emotion (positive, negative, or neutral) towards her body. One of my closest friends is a transwoman who has a full beard, bulky/muscular body, and mostly masculine wardrobe. She's definitely a woman, but she doesn't feel particularly trapped within a hated body. Many transwomen opt for HRT, but not surgery. Others, sadly, would rather die than remain in a male body any longer.

On the other hand, there are often situations (social, sexual, romantic, whatever) in which your relationship with or view of your body might change, for the better or worse. My bearded friend desperately wishes that she could be a mother, and for many years would become deeply depressed and angry at her body whenever she saw a pregnant woman. Though she is usually content living with her male body, that one situation severely intensifies her dysphoria. (She handles it much better now, but still.)

I'm really sorry for your friend. It must be very difficult for her. Please give her my sympathy and prayer. I wish her well.

I think I can understand more or less your friend's depressed feeling. Whenever I see women in my college walking around, I envy them. They have the walk (which I sort of have), the hair, clothes, etc. down. I can do those things too without trying so hard. However, my internal fear gets in the way. I see men with makeup and women with muscles around school. They are confident, and I don't remember anyone giving them a weird look. No body judges me for my behavior either. It's actually just me who feels uncomfortable. Thus, I realize that I have to change my physical self to match my emotional self.

Even if you didn't feel terribly uncomfortable in your body; even if your hobbies were mostly on the 'masculine' side, and you don't have a single maternal instinct or desire in you--so long as you feel like you are a woman, then you are a woman. Don't let stereotypes or rigid gender roles tell you otherwise. (Easier said than done! But we're here to wish you luck. You can do it.)

Well, thank your for your sweet words. I think between the androgyn and female side, my feelings are closer to female. Hence, I don't particularly feel trapped in a male body, but I absolutely feel uncomfortable with it. Certainly seeing other beautiful and confident women out there makes me even more comfortable.

Thank you for your encouragement. It's funny that I can be more relaxed and express myself more comfortably around American-born people than people from my culture. I am definitely not traditional any more in the older Vietnamese generations' eyes even though the way I think and feel about myself and my behavior is largely influenced by the culture. When I come to the decision that I need to change my body to match my feelings, that decision is affected by how I was raised. My concept of male and female (absolutely not rigid) has been nurtured for 18 years in Vietnam before I came to this wonderful nation. That's how I can be quite sure about myself. Unfortunately, it seems like only Americans can appreciate it.

[JJ]

Hello Roux

I am definitely enlightened by your knowledge. I can't imagine these are words from a Texan. Please don't feel offended when I say this. I have only been living in California since I came to the US. I don't know about other states. I only hear that Southern states are highly conservative and reserved, and Texas is a typical example. Whether it is true or not, I don't know. Hence, please forgive me for ignorance.

No offense taken but as a Texan and a Southerner I just wanted to tell you that the South can be almost anything and any way. Texas is huge and has areas that are ultra-conservative and others that are famous for liberal laid back attitudes. Overall most small towns are more conservative than cities. The Southern mountain areas are perhaps the most conservative and hostile.

i hope you can find a good gender therapist who will help you find your way through the maze of gender identity. And i'm glad you've found a place -here-where everyone will be happy to help you out any way they can

Hugs

JJ

[Guest Roux]

I can't imagine these are words from a Texan. Please don't feel offended when I say this. I have only been living in California since I came to the US. I don't know about other states. I only hear that Southern states are highly conservative and reserved, and Texas is a typical example. Whether it is true or not, I don't know. Hence, please forgive me for ignorance.

No offense taken! It's true, as JJ pointed out, that the South has both its ultra-conservative and its liberal areas. As a Southerner, I imagine that I would feel a little more comfortable expressing my gender identity and sexuality in a different part of the country. But then again, maybe not. I was raised in a small college town, went to college in an even smaller and more conservative town (Texas A&M, whoop!), so I've done the small-town thing. It does get a little ugly, but I've heard of much worse. Austin, the capital, is much more liberal, and proud of its liberalism. I'm proud of it, too. =)

Whenever I see women in my college walking around, I envy them. They have the walk (which I sort of have), the hair, clothes, etc. down. I can do those things too without trying so hard. However, my internal fear gets in the way. I see men with makeup and women with muscles around school. They are confident, and I don't remember anyone giving them a weird look. No body judges me for my behavior either. It's actually just me who feels uncomfortable. Thus, I realize that I have to change my physical self to match my emotional self.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Building your confidence may or may not be easy--but you can do it, and it'll be awesome. =D

It's funny that I can be more relaxed and express myself more comfortably around American-born people than people from my culture.

Glad you made it to the States, then!

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Unfortunately, it seems like only Americans can appreciate it.

I don't know if you know this, but lots old cultures accepted and some even revered gender variance, such as various native american groups or the hijras of India. Archeologists find evidence of it all over the world. And modern-day Thailand is full of kathoey celebrities, and is in-general better than the United States when it comes to accepting gender variance.

Food for thought.

[Guest symempathy]

I don't know if you know this, but lots old cultures accepted and some even revered gender variance, such as various native american groups or the hijras of India. Archeologists find evidence of it all over the world. And modern-day Thailand is full of kathoey celebrities, and is in-general better than the United States when it comes to accepting gender variance.

Food for thought.

Well, my friend, I won't argue with you about this because I don't have the knowledge as you do.

From what I know, Thailand accepts gender variance, but it considers those people in a third category of gender.

Our country, like you said, is slightly more conservative about gender issue. However, at least the law respects people's choices, doesn't it? I mean if I have a legal sex reassignment surgery and request sex changed on my driver license, it can be done. The law is not perfect, but it will approve my new sex status and protect me from discrimination if the state where I am living has LGBT law protection. Am I right?

Let's talk about, say, transwomen who pass perfectly as females. So as long as they physically look like a female, no matter what interests they are in, they are still females, right? Of course, looks catches our sight before anything else. Personality can complement the look more.

I have to say that I feel sympathetic for transsexual people who cannot pass well. I admire them for their courage to stand up and live their lives regardless of difficulties due to their physique.

In my culture, people tend to be emotional in everything. For example, if I am a woman, I'm expected to be a virgin. It is all right if I have sex with a man as long as our relationship is serious. However, if it doesn't work out and my future boyfriend knows the fact that I am not a virgin, he may look at me differently. Even though he knows that I love him with all my heart and never cheat on him, he may never have full respect for me because his mind is preoccupied with the fact that I was close with another man before him.

Hence, speaking of open-mindedness, you and other Americans are like role model. American people's to-live-and-let-live attitude is something I have to keep pursue. I mean I'm not traditional like my parents' generation and before that, but I'm not completely liberal either.

I have observed that women in my culture tend to obey gender role preprescribed for them. Natal females who don't have gender issue may have difficult time with their family and friends if they show too much of their masculine side. Vietnamese in the US are slightly more progressive than ones in Vietnam, but a majority of them are still conservative. My uncles and aunts spend more time living in the US than in Vietnam, yet their thoughts are not so liberal. I guess I have to accept that fact and find a better way to live with myself.