Short Life, Long Story.

[Guest Mikku]

Really not sure where to put this but i really feel like compiling a story of myself and my female transition will provide myself and others good insight. and an invaluable tool in therapy XD, don't expect much ^^. (I also write strange sry, morphing words is a trait >.<)

Early... the most socially ostracized boy you could imagine, from birth and beyond. suicidal tendencies apparent at three.

"Sam needs to die, he can’t be here anymore, I don't want him" (my first suicide attempt, opening a car door at 75 MPH on a highway and trying to leap out of the car, this happened 3 times that I can recall)

Always so awkward, never wanted to talk to anyone, I was text book Aspergers, undiagnosed until 16. Awareness was at a minimal then. In my first years of school I spent my life in my own head, I never much cared for others anyway, they could be cruel. I remember having therapy in 2nd grade and they tried so hard to get me to socialize with others, even brought others into our sessions... i couldn't focus on them, only the sand. (There were these little sand playground toy things, hard to explain XD) eventually came a time where I felt the need to socialize. I never really talked to boys only girls... i thought they were sweet, and a little more understanding. My desires never lined up with my words or actions. I wanted to be friends but I didn’t know what to say or how to interact, so I ended up just watching people... staring, even. As I began to mature, social actions became more and more required, at first it was extremely hard, for I, unknowing at the time, couldn't stand being a boy, talking like one... I never wanted to do those things or be associated with that group. naturally I started talking, walking and even acting like a girl. (This is both good and bad for me, my parents noticed this in me at a young age and forced me to stop, but I still remember what it’s like so now that I’m starting to transition its like riding a bike ^^) this made my initial ostracization even worse. At first I was ostracized because I was too quiet, didn't want to talk, only touch... feel. Now... i am talking but my voice doesnt fit my body, children can’t comprehend that. ("Daddy, why is that man FAT?"). So misery undoubtedly ensued. I was intelligent always have been... i realised there was a very distinct disconnection between my essence and my body - thus role in society. If I were to be accepted, I must fit this role. Wether I realized it consciously or not is irrelevant, only that this sparked a self loathing, self destructive change in me.

I must fit in, although I never achieved this, and may never.

Third grade passes as a bullet; the one therapist I developed a close connection with was legally forced to never see me again, despite being a personal friend beyond that of school. (She informed my mother of a child who for a whole year spoke of nothing but fantasies involving murdering me.) This hurt. Couldn’t quite grasp the idea of murder. or the need to commit it, and she was the only one I could feel safe with, in her I acted myself, tended to be a lot more feminine and sweet in my mannerisms, and laid the foundation for me only confiding in adults.

Fourth grade comes, life becomes a little more complicated, and I find myself back to suicide again... I am diagnosed with ADD and a LD. I begin taking medications, tried roughly 6-7 different ones. Every single one made me either homicidal or suicidal (Actually acting on these emotions became the problem). (I know now they only exacerbated the true problem, not created them as previously thought.) I attempted to OD on something, I don’t quite recall what to this day, but it was never discovered.... I think it must have been something extremely benign for I don’t remember any hospitalizations. But the suicidal tendencies remained. 4th grade became a pinnacle for my self growth though... (Weeds grow..... a lot) I started to normalize myself to a degree, I stopped giggling... I started grinning. I began to become my hate, and let it consume me; for this is how I see men... we are MEN.

(Random need

At the pinnacle, I stopped the giggle

I start the grin, embrace the sin

Become my hate, let it radiate

Weeds grow... self growth follows this show)

That is what I became and have been from 4th grade up until 11th.

Now I must use this hate... I must crush my true self, that little raped*(reason for this >.>) girl... she is nothing but lies. I need to live as I was destined, so I do. With reluctance at this pinnacle, I step over and develop a masculine personality. I embrace logic, I, like many aspergian men, queeze at the sight of emotionality, at the sight of anything remotely feminine, don’t sing around me - I’ll kill you. Denial is so strong isn't it?

Not much happened but the standard same old torment. 5th grade the towers fell... me being a NY'er of course I am affected by it, despite my age. I knew a few people who were no longer. It was not very big on me in the overall run, and 5th grade happened to be the most tame out of my years, I found myself making a few friends... boys, even.

6th grade became a huge transition as for most it’s the transition between Period classes and Inclusive classes. (At this date it was.) My middle school years were even laced with such horrible situations, the likes of which some I will not share. After a relatively safe previous year I stepped into the role well, at this point is when I started hitting puberty and things came crashing down like a house of cards, especially because I’m certain I have a natural hormonal imbalance. I became even more conflicted, as my puberty was that of a man’s - but had a dual side to it, this is when I began cross-dressing. While like most boys I began exploring myself, I also began exploring many other idealisms and paths, my older sisters were open homosexuals, so this helped encourage this within me. I began getting into Anime, Drawing, Painting, and Classical Music (Irony of irony, when my sister would play the violin, (beautifully I might add) I would scream at her for playing such a hideous sound... but I secretly enjoyed it.)

I remember going into my sister’s room and trying on her underwear and skirts... I cannot for the life of me explain why either... what would instill that in me? At this point I had already been a girl on the internet for a few months.... but I don’t think this was a further exploration of that persona... it could have been. All I know is with great trepidation I continued, started to wear her dresses and dance in them... yes... dance =.=''' one day I was caught and very sternly told that if I were to continue or ever be caught again I would be removed from the household, no questions asked (Didn't care about age, she would find a way.) at that point I stopped.. ish.. I had developed a small wardrobe of unnoticed clothes that went missing and proceeded to CD in them and fantasize for another two years or so.. The onset of my puberty showed a huge relapse in my suppression of myself... it eventually came back with insane strength as I entered 7th grade, undoubtedly the worst year of my life.

"I’m tired of this bullcrap, I love you but I hate what you are, for this I cannot let you live"

(My entire life I had very a very religious mother and I became a Satanist as a result, and wished to act on those beliefs, this was a precursor to my first institutionalization the following year)

Entering 7th grade... I felt renewed even... my 6th grade year was not SO bad it was mostly internal struggle and I finally got my girl side back into that little dark cage in the basement of my mind... I was ready to go

Ready... I couldn’t have been more wrong. this is when I began seriously showing signs of psychological distress, I began cutting gym on a consistent basis, I would use that time to go up to the library and play MMO's (wherest I was a 14 year old girl and completely accepted as such.) I began to let my hatred take hold, and I developed a new level of self esteem I haven’t had... Arrogance. I no longer was this apparent crushed person, for I had developed a Napoleonic complex, and I was the smartest Gosh darned 7th grader you’ll ever meet. I knew EVERYTHING, if I was wrong, then I didn’t want to be right. I argued with my teachers on subject matter, and at times even proved them wrong, which gave my ridiculously large ego an unnecessary boost. I became seen as a total bigot and insensitive jerk, despite the fact that the people I knew in my virtual world and the three friends I had, knew me as a very sweet person (which was my true nature, just suppressed as previously mentioned...) while still enduring this and tons of conflict at home... (My brother was removed from the household by CPS sadistic reasons.. (Ex: knife at my throat for spilling soup that I MADE HIM, I still get a good laugh out of that) and my oldest sister was more suicidal than i, and my second was an anarchist rebel that would bring every form of drama you could imagine into the household just to see a rise out of my mother.) my science class is about all I can remember from 7th grade in school, because of the absolute depravity of the situation, it seems like something you would read out of "a child called it". this class was chaos, all the worst kids in the school that I knew were in it.... and the teacher only made matters worse, it was his first year teaching and he was a complete pushover - or so I THOUGHT. a girl would consistently hit me with her binder whenever I said something to her, just to be a thorn in my side. I knew her two years prior... she was.. complicated. another child on a consistent basis would steal my belongings (Not a wealthy family, if I lose my backpack I wont have another, lets just put it that way) and often hide it, quite a few times he filled it with broken up staples from the drawers to make it more annoying when I finally found it. (Ended up breaking said kids nose at the end of the year... strangely enough.. no repercussions on my part... that really messed me up because I continued into high school with a feeling of "if your mean to me your gonna get the axe") but that was not the worst of it... I usually could tolerate it... but there was one who stood out. a very VERY antagonistic and sadistic boy who was able to maintain a variety of reputations among different levels and different cliques, also to some degree mentally challenged (some type of LD if I recall..) HE....... is about the only person I still to this day can imagine killing. it has been some 7 years and I still cannot get over my hate for him, yet I am a forgiving person... He had a very natural routine, he was forced to sit on the side of the class, he would insult the teacher and disrupt the class just for a rise. he somehow managed to be allowed to fundraise for the school and how that is BEYOND my comprehension. but a daily torture I was subject to was probably one of the most disgusting and unsanitary things I could ever think of. to condense, he would pay for candy (twizzlers preferably) out of the box, his own box, and then proceed to chew them and spit them at me, for the duration of the class. I don't know if it was this that set me off, or the fact that the teacher I had found some cynical amusement by it, and permitted it, even after I told him and SHOWED him the food all over the floor around my desk. it was not until a sub teacher saw this, that anything was even done. things digressed worse over the year though, because as said before I was a strong arrogant person, I don't lie down and let other people do things to me. so I began to scream at him many times and clear that I was interested in a confrontation, even after mentioning several times to the administration that this cannot be allowed to continue, yet they did nothing (punished me for cutting that class though, how great is that? LOVE THAT SCHOOL!) and eventually he figured he would act on this rise he got out of me and I out of him, came over socked me in the face, plain sight of the teacher.. nothing done. the situation escalated, and I found him pretty Gosh darned close to a second story window that was open... death threats ensued. police were called, situation sorted out, 10-15 complaints from parents over the course of the year, all ignored. Eventually he was fired after this. This only further instilled the mentality in me that if I need something done, I need to beat up or kill someone, because I won’t get recognition any way else. (It got so bad that in high school I saw a boy threatening another boy, I did not even stop to hear the conversation but I slammed the aggressor's face into a locker.... without even reading the situation.. turned out the boy stole something >.>) many nights I spent fantasizing about ending those who have caused me pain... and I knew it was wrong, so I turned my attentions back towards myself. none of this would have happened if I could have been myself with everyone, none of this would have happened if I was not bound by the expectations of men in society, expectations of people in society. I once again, just two years after getting over my suicidal tendencies now have them even worse than before, and this time they are in a body so accustomed to violence that acting on them seems to be very easy now.. Great. Once again.. Still stemming from a hate for my male body.. a hate for my role in society. I grew up in a house of all girls (My brother too, but he was removed later and also I did not interact much with him, short of me being in some contorted position - Never did understand roughhousing to that degree, or violence to that degree in a positive sense... still seems sadistic and controlling by nature.) this could be why I am so feminine, and distressed but I really don't think so. At this point things got extremely hard for me - the transitioning to 8th grade, my violent tendencies became very apparent, and I would often go to the brink of insanity when I was punished off my computer, because it was the only place I could be a girl and not be questioned..(i never told them this.... they thought I was addicted to violent games, but ironically I never played violent games until I became more calm with my anger.) I ended up breaking things.. carving satanic symbols into my wall. this lead to my first hospitalization at the start of 8th grade. very short lived... no new revelation there. I told them about my hate towards my mom.. got nowhere, couldn't handle the religion at that point it was like poison to me, I was just glad to be away from it (Half realizing that my moms Christian faith effectively denies me any hope of being my true self, which I thought I was gay.. but really am not) in Mathers (first institutionalization) I did not really have much stress or anything it actually was a very good experience for me, I got to see people who were far more disturbed than i, which gave me some solace. after that I went into a part time program that doubled as school and a institutionalization.. it was actually quite enjoyable, up until the point were I was mugged, choked out in a van and it took 3 men to pry a psycho off my neck - I later found out that he wanted the some 2$ in change in my pocket.. my god just ask for it I had no need for it anyway......... UGH psychos. lol. I see it much lighter than I did then.. it kind of broke me I wanted to press charges and all that noise, another person I ended up wanting to kill, I just left after that point I couldn't take it because after that more violent things began to happen to me. so now back in school for the remainder of 8th grade I just... ... went.. I think I went 40 days out of the 180 of that year. (Always did have a huge attendance problem, I cant really be in public as a male it just... is too weird for me). towards the end of that year I pulled things a bit together and was able to make up my missed work, and did the state tests on time. they pushed me out into high school when I really should have been left back, a common theme with me... being pushed into something before I'm ready.

"no... she’s intercourseing insane, mom you don't understand if she doesn't die I can’t live"

(I was going to kill myself if I could not rid myself of my eldest sister, she had Severe bi-polar issues, and would cause me torment beyond belief, for instance SHE spilled apple-juice on her textbooks that she left out when she was getting them, and blamed me for leaving a CUP on the table.. its the Gosh darned kitchen table woman! don't leave your books there. and you spilled it anyway. anyway that lead to her throwing the full bottle at my face (hitting.. and it hurt that much I do remember ROFL) and subsequently her winding up on the floor with some messed up arm.. I actually don't quite remember what happened, never have I was too enraged.)

I was NOT ready for high school... certainly not. I knew that much. I was smart yeah, I have 156 IQ who cares???? I had knowledge, so what? I knew I wasn't socially ready, a problem I face even to this day - people assuming that Intelligence means you can function in society (the Spectrum Ignorance).

9th grade was not as bad as 8th or 7th, everyone says they baby the 9th graders academically, and that is TRUE from what I've seen. I took the biology state test and got a 96 on it, and aced my classes, still having my attendance issues - now up to 80-100 days out of 180 a year. they still pushed me through. the only notable thing of that year was that all of my trouble kids I dealt with were in my classes. that one child who I SWEAR has a fetish with staples (He started putting staples on my seat in every class.. WHERE DOES HE GET THEM ALL OMGGGG WTFFFFFFFF)was in 7 of my 9 period classes. it was quite a pain, but because of having to deal with him I started to develop a bit of tolerance, and things began to look up.

some things happened inside me though... throughout the year.. a big conflict with my only close friend who has been at my house and I at his (i never really hung out with any of my other friends just talked on computer) kind of crushed me. He has his own set of horrors at his house and his childhood, I cant say its less or more severe than mine, I’m not him. But because of his experiences he is quite thick, and extremely judgmental and intolerant of others. I valued his friendship so I conceded to him... one of the first things I've emotionally done in my life that shows my weak side. he always knew about me being a woman on the internet, and continued to be friends with me.. But one day he exposed me to my friends and I got very very upset at him. I told my friends he was lying and was trying to make my life miserable. I even wanted to end our friendship, but I value him too much and in my heart I want to help him through his own hell... because his life is no cakewalk, either. So... in order to keep my friendship I stopped being myself on the internet, and started to be a man... it was all downhill from there.

With me stopping cross dressing because of family reasons, and moral reasons (I thought it was fetishm but it really wasn't.) and my last solace and peace of mind on my femininity, my relationship to my older (not eldest) sister becoming more and more cold (Quick bio: She is and I have been very close always and she founded the GSA in my school, ALL her friends are gay or bi... so I felt at home with them.. despite my awkwardness) because of her pursuing her own interests, she can’t be at this house with my mother, religious reasons, and I cant leave - fear (once again, even in the LGBT circle I feel so wrong in a male body, going out feels like im going out naked or something)

i now am stripped.... I have no fallback and am forced once again to suppress my girl self entirely... as you know with pressure systems.. the more pressure you put on something the more its likely to explode in another direction (popping a bag for instance). I began to just ignore everyone and everything. my anger turned into indifference, and quite possible the most dangerous stage of my life.

Hate - it is only a product of love, reversal per se.

To love is to adore is to care about an entity and to want to preserve said entity

to hate is to adore, is to care about an entity and want to change that entity to a state in which you can adore it.. hate is only the desire to change, which stems from loving it (I HATE bigots, I would LOVE if all bigots would just disappear)

Indifference is DANGERIOUS, because it lacks both love and hate, causes no change... and with stagnation of morals and self.... ones life no longer contains meaning.

While many say they would rather see a person care about nothing, than a person reveling in hate.... I disagree.. Indifference I feel is worse than death, because you no longer have a need to contribute to society, and therefore you have no place in it.

This became a new pinnacle for my life... a new direction. I began to dissociate myself with humans, and humanity. Humans are cruel and disgusting... I hate men (MEN... I know this now but did not at the time... this also is directly from my hatred of men, and my hatred of my own man self for suppressing and locking away my woman side, my true side.) as this festered inside me and grew... I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore... especially not those who I once cared about.... just a sad reminder of how messed up life is and will be. I did not stay here for long, but for this year of my life in 9th and 10th grade... I just... didn't care. I went to school when I was able to apathize it, because if I didn't it was painful, for I still am a boy. I stopped caring about my grades (that's a first, usually cared for egotistical purposes), I stopped caring about my friends, I stopped caring about my MMORPG circle - I’m a man to them, who cares. I felt the strongest type of rejection in its fullest in my life... self rejection. while I’ve had it my entire life, this kind was all over... and so strong. I still had anger issues.... they got worse despite my apathy, just a rage-filled person. throughout those two years I had numerous fights, and small things.. that are well.. small. I got through these years with mediocre grades, while still retaining the ability to get 100's on most of my exams (The reason I’m mentioning this is the ability is there >.> and I regret it so, that I could do that yet not ever do homework or even show up for class...) so I just peddled through... had two pins petitions on me, one by my mom one by school. I knew all of the administrators in the district very well, every time something was wrong i'd go straight to them, and nothing was done so honestly I hated them, could you blame me? (Best example, the schools dean did not show up for 6 different court meetings that he had scheduled, and didn't fax over 3 different papers that he said he would... dam guy is SO irresponsible, but on his desk he’s got a #1 place trophy of being some weightlifter champ or something... what a D***...) but with this rapport I had with them, I was able to get pushed through, despite deep inside not wanting to go through, just get the HELL out of there.

come 11th grade... EVERYTHING changed... my entire life even.

it began like all other, was a little bet stressing because I had global civ2 AND US history (Failed it the previous year, due to bad attendance, first period classes I always fail >.>, cause if im not absent im late, I had to walk to school and its about a mile walk... going through this depression really doesn't help having to walk that every day.) and a heavy forensics class... that was opted by me it looked fun... my lord oh god could I have been any bit wrong, it was not as bad emotionally on me as my 7th grade science class, but it had a bigger impact on my life.

at this point I've matured quite a bit, and on the surface im actually a pretty good guy... surface's are often misleading. my rapport with my forensics teacher was excellent, and I respect him so much... and things got really bad because of that, he was not a very good teacher and had a lot of shortcomings, (I Think he might have been on the spectrum, it really seems it now that I look in hindsight, I was unaware of Aspergers even to this point, I was not diagnosed until after that year, during my third institutionalization) but he tried so hard... and he was hated by so many people, and even to this day I talk to my little sister about him (She’s in the school still and he still teaches) and everyone hates him and treats him like crap, it hurts me so badly. he would go way out of his way to try to help his students but ultimately fail, he WAS a pushover and let people get to him, he had a temper and was a target for abuse by the students, but really had a heart after them... he is doing a job I could never do... dealing with scum like that. to condense, me and him were VERY close, and I was even to the point that I was going to go a student forensics activity/competition in the city, but we did not get enough people (people really hate him >.>). so every time during class kids tended to interrupt him or disrupt the class intentionally, to get at him.. not at me... i've been used to people hitting me.. so I tolerated that, but hurting someone I care about? you do NOT do that with me... that’s something I cant tolerate even to this day, and im open about that... you mess with someone I care about I cant guarantee your safety, or my rationality. basically it got to the point where I had to stick up for him because no one would, and that only caused me more ridicule, but it got to a point where people were abusing the school property to get to him which made things worse... its a chem lab.. just a bad idea to be playing around with stuff. things got out of hand during the final in his class, about 7 people were intentionally disrupting the class's ability to take the final, including myself. he was suffering to a pretty high degree he tried to get them to stop but couldn’t and they wont even listen when he tells them to leave.. its just a stupid situation. I ended up screaming at one of the kids (that apathy went away at this point, and I haven't done that in a while... scream that is) and he saw the anger in my eyes and thought of something funny.. "Hey you gonna shoot up the school or something?" my response like an idiot was "Don’t expect to know people, they aren’t who you think they are" (OF course I meant that as in "IM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD DO THAT" But as you can read that, you can see that’s not how HIM or the class would interpret it, and to make things WORSE this was just weeks after Virginia tech's shootings, scares were up.) SOOOO rumors spread, 400 people decided not to go to school the next day and I had police detectives knocking on my front door.. GREATT... >.> after they found out that im not that kind of person... I couldn’t go back to that school and I found myself 3 options. Go back and die socially (im already dead but this is like... stabbing a corpse that still can feel pain) get home school (i don’t go out any other way.. I cant do that) or go to an alternative school with a bunch of crazies (Turned out to be one of the best decisions I made in my life..) this is when things really started to heat up in my life....

my next year, senior year at the alternative school provided me so much maturity, I began to fully tolerate immaturity, because it was like being back in middle school all over again... I also got to do something I couldn’t in normal school, the small size of this school allowed very close interpersonal relationships, and I began to start blossoming in my femininity, sort of. I met one pretty young boy (12 I think) who was very interesting and inspirational to me, he had a ton of anger issues like me, was quite a bigot, yet... he had a side of him no one saw but me. he was very sweet.. and had a photographic memory - a memory of EVERY major history event in the world pretty much (its ridiculous, and to make matters more interesting, he was ILLITERATE, to this day he cannot read or write, yet his IQ is probably 180 or higher) either way I opened up to him about myself and was kind of accepted, this point was the first part in my life when I realized that not only was I a sweet person... I was not a man. I couldn’t be. because every time I talk to somone about a subject with any depth I can only do it by imagining myself a woman talking to the person... I noticed myself doing that as I talked to him, and that’s the only way I was able to come outside of my shell, because as myself I just felt like a freak.. hard to explain at the moment.

That was my first CONSCIOUS revelation of my gender dysphoria, the first one that i came to terms with. originally, I thought "Well, i spent most of my early life on the internet as a girl because it feels more comfortable, and i can relate better, so maybe I’m just thinking this because i want to be comfortable talking to people" Which really wasn't far off.. but i NEVER thought that it was from me being a girl inside... i thought it was a desire to be a girl, theres a difference. so realizing that i just shrugged it off and carried on with my life. I graduated, pushed through.. still missed 80 days out of my senior year, but the school really loved me and thought that I’d do better in college anyway, they were right. Immediately after my graduation i audited a philosophy class, all well and then that next fall started my first semester, 3.8 going full time, not much of a stress issue, for the first time in my life i could focus on academics and not social problems, quite a relief. Next semester was a little stressful (actually that’s where I’m now I just finished my 2nd semester at college ^^) but it wasn’t anything big at all, 3.7, and 3.7 overall both semesters, I’d say that’s a pretty good improvement from high school, i did still struggle with attendance though and I’m now starting to realize why.

(Missed 6 classes of my math class... this semester.. that’s really bad, after 2 they are SUPPOSED to drop you, but you know... teachers pet ^^,)

I always thought my attendance was because of habit.. and that habit formed from stress... not too far off but wrong stress....

i thought it was cause of the way people treated me... once again not far off but not in the way i thought, i thought my stress was because people treated me like dirt... no it was because they treated me like a man. my college year has been fantastic, compared to high school, when it comes to social interactions, I’ve made no friends, but i've also made no enemies, i like that. but still i have such a strange awkwardness going to class... even now, yet i ENJOY the class, i enjoy learning, working. so why is it that i still cant get myself up in the morning to go.. i feel to down and awkward to go... like its just weird.. (Naked feeling returns, would you go to class naked? even if you enjoyed the class?) JUST this week I’ve come to realize what that really is... Every time someone looks at me, and i look into their eyes... i am immediately stabbed. i thought that was Aspergers, it might be it also might not be. when a man or woman looks at a man, they have a subtext to their facial expressions that is unique to that gender (or how said person perceives the gender), and that subtext is VERY different to how a man or woman looks at a woman. every time i make eye contact with someone i feel like I’m being stabbed.... its a harsh reminder of how I’m not a genetic female and how every where i go i am seen as a man.. when I’m really not one, just the arrogant self righteous shell that cages my inner woman, created as a defense mechanism not to collapse under the sheer hell that society subjected me to. so... that is this naked feeling... every where i go i am a male. except in my mind and on the internet (Not anymore.. I’m changing that though, I’m going back to who i was, i am going to be free) My freedom is important... talking to many people at LP' really has provided some unique insight. I love you sammi - My whole life despite my arrogant self righteous sarcastic mentality, i have been living for others... my need to be accepted by my parents, make their desires come true, my need to be accepted by my friend. no more. i am not going to disconnect myself or become selfish because that’s counterproductive and not who i am. but im certainly not going to let them make me believe i need to suppress my woman anymore.

Well thats kind of where i lead into this... i finished last semester about a month ago and slipped into a huge depression streak. i wanted to kill myself multiple times since then, almost tried once (Crisis room <3) and i've been here for about a week, and i spent a week before that coming to terms with who i am... and now i've got it to some degree. Just for my own reference (most of writing this is for - just that )

Sorry for bein so long but im using this as a journal..ly...ish I'll be adding more insight as i develop them... hope you guys dont mind!

[MaryEllen]

Don't mind at all. Thank you for sharing with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Donna Jean]

Absolutely! Thank you for sharing...

And use all the words that you need...

We have lots more!

Donna Jean

[Guest Mikku]

lols sry its so longgggg i just felt like posting this.. cause i know one day im going to use it in therapy with my other thoughts that im compiling O.o.. kinda how i got to where i am and where i think im going..

[Carolyn Marie]

Mikku, thank you for putting your thoughts together for us, and letting us get to know you.

Clearly, you have gone through much, but managed to survive and eve thrive. That is an accomplishment in itself. Many of our younger members have struggled through childhood and adolescence as you have, although everyone's story is a little different.

What you will find here is understanding and support that you probably won't find elsewhere. We will work with you to get through your pain and your past to find the woman who you long to be, and are on the inside.

Post all that you need to, hon. You could help us just a little by breaking the longer ones up into paragraphs, so it isn't quite so intimidating.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mikku]

Note on analogy:

" life/genetics/god/society to me... he is like a toddler playing with one of those puzzle sets... i am a circle piece that he is trying to jam into a triangle hole... and instead of finding a new hole, he just bangs it untill it breaks and finally fits."

[Guest Donna Jean]

Note on analogy:

" life/genetics/god/society to me... he is like a toddler playing with one of those puzzle sets... i am a circle piece that he is trying to jam into a triangle hole... and instead of finding a new hole, he just bangs it untill it breaks and finally fits."

LIKE!

Donna Jean

[Guest Opal]

Hi Mikku,

Thank you for sharing with us! Yours has been a very hard and painful journey. Glad that you made it to college. I found it refreshing many years ago being in college with people who were there because they WANTED to be there, and not because of being forced there like High School.

Yes, the material you provided us should make yourself good reference material. Please try to hang on until Fall Semester starts. Something tells me you will make it to Grad School and really enjoy the challenges then ( I never made it ).

Please keep posting as you have time!

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Mikku]

Thanks opal, i actually find myself worried and relucant to start my new semester as i really no longer have any ability to function well in public since i broke down my old shell haha idk though im getting there.

#2

7/9

My future...

one and all tells me to take things one step at a time for if one looks too far, they become overhwelmed. the sheer amount of knowledge they are bestowed with causes them to break down and cease to function. you cannot teach calculus to a 6 year old. but.. what do you do when you already have the knowledge, and utter clarity of your coming days? unlike others... i know exactly whats to come, but i can do nothing to prepare for it, i am being pushed down a path that i do not wish to take. i am a female, in a males body, but in order for me to be free i must accept myself, i must completley free my true personality from the cage.. which i have done. but... that old facade that was me.. where did he go? he... is gone, i cannot find him anymore - i wish not to, and i will not seek. now the question beckons... why is this bad? i am now fully female, i no longer can bear the sight of my male self, no longer can lie to myself, and i would not even if i could. i cannot transistion, for i must remain in the world of men for many more years, before i can start even the first baby steps. i dug myself into a hole with school, and my family situation forces me to work... or my mom will lose her ability to recieve chemotherapy.. which very likely would lead to reappearance of her leukemia. the goverment will not allow me to remain unemployed, yet i cannot even walk outside with out the knives being thrown at me, and without me torturing myself for not being what i am.

my only rational solution is to hospitalize myself... since this situation is causing me to be trapped for at least another year, (thus creating a tempest of suicidal tendanices of the likes of which i have not seen in years...) and also forcing me to take steps back and become a male again. that side of me is gone... however... i might be able to cope with being a female and living a male lie... but i need to learn how to do that all over agian.. i dont have the time... even as i type this i am under a supervised job search in which i must record application submissions and kinds of the like... i cannot do this for i cannot be out in the world yet, i have not grown enough.

so choices are;

take steps back into hell, which is a fate worse than death.. i will not do that.

kill myself, why would i do that, i wish to grow and live? but it seems more and more reasonable a solution as time goes on, since i am that aforementioned peg that is being broken bit by bit - death will break myself much more quickly.

admit myself... this is the most rational solution of them all.. but why would i do that? i would lose contact with my only reprieve.. you guys @ LP... i would lose the ability for the physcial transistioning and my music... and my family.. i think that might be worse on me than staying where i am.. but it would give me time to cope with myself and be able to deal with society once more, but in the long run it only further delays my transistion.

shut down... this is the likely result if i were to take no action, which is currently what im doing.. allow the goverment to cut my and my mothers benefits, causing her to kick me out of the house and i being homeless... which will probally ruin my life permanently.

....

i am not like other people... i am strong, so strong that it causes me to be weak in this area. i know what i want, i know who i am and i know what i must do, and i will never go back into my male self again.. and i will never interact with society as him, but i cannot bear to interact with society as me as i am now, so i must create a new form of self, but this cannot be done overnight.. and life is pushing me... too far.

so while this is more like a journy entry, it also is a question, for i have been in the crisis room 3 times with this problem, and have never recieved a sufficient answer, because i cannot and will not subject myself to being a male anymore, many people can "transistion while still being a male" i cannot. i will not. i can create a new facade for myself, but i need time.. how do i get this time?

[Guest Mikku]

the thing i find the most odd about myself.. is the duality of rationality and emotion within me, i rationally realize im making a decision emotionally and i know that i will regret it later but i make them anyway, during the act i know what im doing i will regret but i conciouslly make it anyway? how is that possible? i just dont get it.... people make mistakes and then realise it was a mistake but they do what they feel is in the best interest for their self at the time... do i not do that? do i subconciously want to tear myself apart emotionally??

[Guest Opal]

Hi Mikku,

Sorry I am so slow in responding. I assume that it has already been suggested that you build a 'temporary' shell that would allow you to survive now, but be broken out of again at the proper time.

Perhaps you could dress in a somewhat gender neutral fashion. Items that wouldn't cause adverse public reaction, yet still allow you to have a sense of 'self'.

I really do not know why, but I get this feeling that your answer is within yourself. What would 'future' Mikku want 'present' Mikku to do at this point so 'future' Mikku can exist?

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest miss kindheart]

Wow

Thank you for sharing it with us all.

vanna