Feelings Of Inadequacy

[Sally]

No matter how hard I have worked and tried

They came rushing back every time I cried

Little things that would bother no one of sound mind

Send me into deep depression and self doubt of a kind

That no one should feel or ever have to share

But what can I do they seem to be everywhere

As I strive to find my true place in this world

I want to feel useful and my kindness unfurled

But it struck me again and with such power

It has lasted til now not merely for an hour

Why do I feel that I am such a waste of space

It is so simple I can not dismiss it in haste

I was feeling pretty good a major feat for me

When a friend was disturbed it was easy to see

I offered my sympathy my heart my love

They were rejected and given a shove

So a great emptiness appeared within my very soul

A pain hard to explain like my heart was not whole

Into this void the feelings rushed in

I fought them I did but I could not win

I had offered myself to comfort my friend

She turned to another for hours in the end

It should not effect me I know this and pray to above

I always feel so inadequate like no one needs my love

It seems such a small thing to trigger such a disaster

It does not take much when self doubt is your master

I suppose the thing that hurts me the most at that minute

Is the fact that I was present in body not just in spirit

Yet rather than turn to me for her solace

She called on another in a distant place

At first I just sat and listened and stared

Suddenly it was me dying inside no one cared

I simply felt my heart leave me then fell asleep

I would prefer not counting troubles just sheep

Now as She has awakened me so to send me to bed

I know that she is unaware of my hurting instead

This is one of the little things that drives my life

Filling me with such emptiness and causing strife

Something so small that no one can see

Is enough to be nearly the end for me

I have to learn to not let these things bother me

For no one can be the answer for everyone you see

But I never can see it as clearly as all that

It is another rejection pinning me to the mat

I wrestle with my feelings and I never win

So off to bed to feel the emptiness within

Another night where I cry myself to sleep

It is the pattern I seem destined to keep

Love

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

I don't read poetry. And yet at 4:00 in the morning.....

You presume too much about what is/is not occurring with other people. While your friend I'm sure loves you (and I do feel sure), I also am sure of human nature. Often it occurs that "x" issue feels better suited to one relationship we have in the world than another. Very recently I had something occur, several good people and good friends were available for my confidence. One of the friends I would have told people was "closer" or even "meant more" to me than the others if only because of length of time in our relationship. In the issue though, I chose another to talk to. How come? Because how we are is different. They themselves are too. No two people are replicas. And some people (depending on what it is you're talking about ) you just are more comfortable discussing "x" with than others. Tomorrow , with a different sort of issue, your friend might choose you. Only Sally will do. Thats the nature of people being individual.

[Guest sarah f]

This one made me sad to read Sally. I don't like to see you hurting. Like Evan said maybe this person just felt more comfortable talking to this other person. Maybe they have confided in them before and went back to them because of experience and comfort from them. I hope today is a better day for you.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sally.......

I understand it all and I know exatly what happened...

It seems that you were caught up in something that needed another direction...

Maybe you were too close to it....

Donna Jean

[Sally]

It Seems A Little Clarification Is In Order.

Usually I express myself so much better through my poems but I seem to have mislead a few people with this one maybe be cause I wrote it at three AM after being woken from a half sleep in front of the TV.

It is not about a friend snubbing me - it is not about the friend at all it is about my insecurities - my feelings.

She needed to talk to someone else, as Evan said sometimes that is what they need - I take it as a failure on my part not as a fact, a part of human nature that we do like to hear from more than one person on any subject.

I have no problem with the friend, I almost wish I did - we could talk it out and it would be over - my problem is with me and it has been going on for decades.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Opal]

Hi Sally !

I wonder if what you are feeling is being magnified by all of the recent, major changes in your life? Wish I could hug you now in person. You have been so comforting and helpful to so many others, sure sorry to see you suffering.

Hugs,

Opal

[JJ]

Sally

All we can say is that we love you and value you.

I wish I could invent a way to give you a hug every once in awhile and randomly tell you how special and loved you are.

We are more alike than you know. I understand your feelings. Felt them all my life. Lived alone in a crowd until now.

But there was no failure on your part. No intention to turn away from one person and to another. Though it may have seemed so

I believe as you continue to live your brand new life and find the love and affirmation waiting for you as you really are, the decades of sorrow will fall away from you. You have not failed-yourself or anyone else. You have grasped a new life and are learning to live it in the light of day. Having the courage to do that while maintaing your voice of love and affirmation here is a huge success-and it's only the beginning!!

love

JJ

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I know this friend

She could not talk to you Sally because she was embarrased about a certain jealously - that's all. The 'distant' friend and she had been taling exactly about what was going on - and she needed a man's perspective. All the people who had been treating her badly - very very badly - were women.

You are a woman - and you treat people with love. Sally you are a treasure!

But Sally, you are defenseless against the wrath of women, just as that friend is - you have no answers of how we newly minted women can defend ourselves. The other has the answers.

But that friend we both know, will hug and love you tonight. She is not accustomed to 'love' that is only three feet away - it's been so many years...

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Sally, your poem made me sad, because I'm always sad when my friends a hurt.

I don't think you will overcome these dark feelings and fears until someone comes into your life, be they man or woman, who will accept the love you offer unconditionally and return it the same way. I'm talking about romantic love, not the love that comes with frienship. Romantic love is what has been missing in your life, and finding it will make you whole, and will provide the reassurance that you need so badly.

My fervent wish is that in your new place, with your new life, you will find that love at long last.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Thank you dear Carolyn,

That is so true but I doubt that I will ever find it - I haven't even got a clue as to what it really is.

It is just one more missing part that continues to elude me, love , happiness and security are all just abstract concepts with no real meaning for me.

Sally

[JJ]

Sally

I've been told if you forget all else and just do your own dance in the sun it will sneak up and grab you when you least expect it.

I'll still searcing for the right music for my dance.

Love

JJ