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Ptchwork Grrl


Guest therisa

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Small patchwork doll

Placed with love and care

On the top shelf

Easily overlooked

By other people.

What chance

Does a simple stuffed doll have

Against

Fine porcelain, with real hair

Dressed in

Latest Parisian high fashion

To her plain cotton shift.

So easy to picture

A small girl dragging the patchwork doll

Everywhere she went

Sharing her joys and secrets

More importantly

Her fears.

A younger sister

She never had

Though wished for

Just her and a younger brother

Polar opposites.

Unlike the porcelain doll

Permitted to touch

Only on special occasions

Parents feared

She would break the dolls.

Not that she did not like them

Rather

In her mind's eye

They were too pretty to play with

Relieved

When placed onto the shelf.

* * *

Reaching up

I grasp the patchwork doll

Within my hand

Silently

Noticing for the first time

As i turning it over

Various repair jobs

From her mom's

Strong and confident stitching

To Ellie's

Loose and inexperienced stitching

Growing in confidence

Over the years.

Tears

Run down my cheeks

Streaks of black mascara

Marred my face

Before landing on the doll.

Remembering

Your final hours

How you needed

Everything to be

Your way.

Refusing my pleads

To leave the nightclub

Until it closed

Only once

Wish you had listen

To me.

But

As the old saying goes

Hindsight

Is always perfect.

In my mind

Can still picture the accident

As if

Shot on a HD camera

In crystal clear detail

As if

It was yesterday

Not eight years

Of haunted sleep.

Begging one more song

Ellie you know

I could never turn down

Your sad puppy dog look

Able to melt the hardest of hearts

Knew better

When to admit defeat

Heading back to the dance floor.

One song

Turn into another

Before last song announced

Quick glance at my cell

An hour later

Than i like

But worth the look of bliss

On your face Ellie.

Stepping out

September night air hit us

Like a sledgehammer

Shivering in our sweaty clothes

Goosebumps

Upon goosebumps

Covered our bodies

Teeth chattering

Tried to hail a cab.

Why did Fate

Have to take you Ellie

Instead of me

Would have gladly

Traded places with you

Just ten paces away.

More an earwitness

Than an eyewitness to the accident

Sounds of brakes locking up

Thump

Of a body hitting a car

Screams of other people

Driver tries to pull away

Your body trapped underneath.

Could not look away

As it unfolded

Surrealistic nightmare

Come to life.

* * *

Older angry feminine voice

Jarred me

Back to the present.

Eyes

Bleary from crying

Realized

It was your mom

Wiping my eyes

Hastily wiping my eyes dry

Turned to face her

Knew she was talking to me

But did not understand.

Slowly

Her words penetrated

Judging from her voice's pitch

She has been yelling at me

For awhile

"James Robert McLeod"

Wincing at my old male name.

"What in Heaven’s name

Do you think

You are doing here?""

Her angry words

Washed over me

Like fast moving

White water through rapids

Scouring my soul's outer edges

Slowly the attack petered out

Producing an angry red mask

Upon Ellie's mom face

Impossible to reason with.

Dimly i heard

"Get the hell

Out of my house"

Coat and boots

In hand

Wondering

Where did i go wrong

Did my presence

In Ellie's room

Reopen old wounds

Barely healed

Since i came out.

Standing at the front door

Wanted to do more

Hug and say

"I love you"

Fear stopped me

Quietly i stepped out

A cold December wind and rain

Greeted me.

Shivering

Under the porch

From anger and the cold damp weather

Hoping to reach you

My love

Defender of my Light

In the land of darken souls.

Figures

The porch is a dead zone

Either wait and hope

You are early

Or

Stand out in the rain

To make the call.

Stepping out

Gosh darned it

Wish i had brought my umbrella

No point

Crying over spilt milk

Rain dripping down my back

Sending shivers

Throughout my body

Darkening my already foul mood.

Two steps away

Cell phone starts to ring

Quick glance

Showed your number

My saviour

In a single breathe.

"HiJanice

Imstandingoutside

Waitingforyou

Itwasadisaster."

Rich sound of your laughter

Greets my words

Swiftly

My anger rose and fell

As you apologized.

Next breathe

Told me

You're five minutes away

Considerably

Brightening up my mood

Only five more minutes

Repeating over and over

To myself.

Longest five minutes in my life

Never liked waiting

Even as a child

Pacing the porch landing

Constantly

Looking at the cellphone

Willing it

To move faster.

Remembering

Segment of an old Love and Rocket's song

"And the minutes dragged..."

Forgetting the rest of the song

So frustrating

Having it loop through my mind

Hurry up

Janice.

Falling

Into the kid's game

Asking myself

"Is it time yet

No

Still three more minutes"

Driving myself batty

Stopping to look

For your approaching car.

Seriously

Thought of phoning you

When your car appeared

Two blocks away

Lifting my dark mood

How i wish you were here

Now

Leaving this bad Karma behind

Moving forward.

Think

Someone really hates me

Had i left a minute earlier

Would have been sprayed

When Janice pulled over

Sheesh

Biggest puddle on the street

Would be

In front of Ellie's mom house

Just not my day.

Impossible

To stay mad at you

Janice

Especially

After a day like today

Wanting to runaway

Turning my back on the world

Except

I have unfinished business

Needing my attention

Visiting Ellie's grave.

Wish i had a camera

Show you

That your Mona Lisa smile

Which you deny having

Smile of a sweet mystery

Frustrating me

To no end

Only if

I could give back it

To you Janice.

Few false steps

Before finding Ellie's grave

Appreciating the personal space

Of a few moments alone

Before joining me

Placing your hands on my shoulders

In support and love

Silently we stand.

In my mind

Rerun that fateful night

Tears running down my cheeks

Taking out the patchwork doll

Briefly holding it to my lips

Tenderly kissing it goodbye

Placing the doll

On the marker.

Overwhelmed

By guilt and sadness

Bolting towards the car

Narrowly missing several gravestones

Your warning

Fell upon deaf ears

Tripping over the uneven ground.

Stumbling back to the car

Covered in mud

No memory of falling

Or how mud got into my ears

Remains a mystery.

Can imagine

Look of disgust upon your face

Your spotless car interior

Is covered in mud

Think i smiled that thought

Your eyes sent daggers.

Sighing

Softly to myself

Wondering

If it was too late

To go back to bed

Without set off any more landmines

Or least

Minimize the damage.

Daring a sly glance

Rewarded with a brilliant smile

Filling the car with love.

Will i ever be able to read you

Shaking my head

In mock despair

Giggling

Push me against the door

Wiping your finger

Down my muddy nose

Dabbing the tip

Before withdrawing

Leaving a streak

Down the middle of my face.

Feeling like the bird

Trapped as

A cat's plaything

Unsure

If the next swipe

Will be the last

Never seen you

This playful

Scared to ask

Could not handle losing you

Janice

Like removing a blind person's sight

Who just discovered it.

"Everything is fine

Jacqui"

Attempting to reassure me

But felt like

I was standing in quicksand

Sinking fast

Without hope

Planning my exit strategy

Should you leave me

Whatever method

It would be quick and painless.

"Jacqui

Stop this

I am not dying

Or planning to leave

You hear me

Oh Jacqui

You are my love and inspiration

My soulmate."

Tenderly

Caressing my face

Kissing my forehead

Our tears mixing

Wanted to believe

But can not.

My hands in yours

Resting on the car console

Slowly, relaxing under your loving touch

Uncertain

How to take the next step

Wait or ask the question

What is bothering you

Flash through my mind.

Silently i waited

"Um Jacqui

Not sure how to tell you

But we are going to be parents

Hoping for a daughter

Who will be named

In honour of Ellie.

Felt like someone

Had kicked

The reality out of me

Cast adrift in NeverNeverland

Slowly reality returns

Your words

Cut through my mental fog

Me a parent

Wanted to laugh

At this absurd though

Except it was true.

Saw your lips move

Yet no sound

Judging from your facial expression

Repeatedly asking a question

Before i understood.

An easy question

Almost embarrassing simple answer

Blushing at the thought

Had trouble pronouncing "h" and "n";

When young

Thus

Helen became Ellie.

World knew her

As Helen

To me

She is forever

Ellie.

Your laughter

Helped me to break up

Emotional scar tissue from her death

Easing the guilt and load

That i carry.

Deft hands

Measuring out the thread

In preparation

Of mending a tear

Skill

Honed by long practice

Lovingly stitch the ripped edges

Repairing my torn heart.

Note To Reader: Originally written January 28, 2008, since revised April 14, 2010.

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Guest miss kindheart

Wow what a long poem, you worked hard on that one :)

I love dolls, and have a few that my grandma made long ago :rolleyes:

They are similar to the one you describe in the beginning of your poem.

You brought yours to life in this poem, and that makes her very special :wub:

And then it looks as though you became her or maybe her you :unsure:

I loved it :wub:

A+

<<< hug >>>

:wub: vanna

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Guest sarah f

Once I started to read this I couldn't stop. You out did yourself this time Therisa. I loved it.

I am so sorry if that really happened to you. It would be very hard to lose a close friend like that.

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Guest therisa

Once I started to read this I couldn't stop. You out did yourself this time Therisa. I loved it.

I am so sorry if that really happened to you. It would be very hard to lose a close friend like that.

Sarah, for me, that person I lose, is my dad. We could talk about things, and he would listen to, what I had said, before passing judgement. For me, part of my healing, occurred over his gravemarker, in the veteran section of the cementary. Well, my mom isn't exactly warm to me, being a TS. Rest, is purely fiction. This November will mark the 12th anniversary of his passing.

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