Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Alone


Guest Emily Ray

Recommended Posts

Guest Emily Ray

Alone

Transpeople know loneliness

It seems to define our lives

Its pain is immeasurable

Its like a cold dagger

thrust into the core

of our being

We use tricks of the mind

to soften the pain

When our tricks

no longer work

we isolate

The isolation feels no better

instead of being stabed

repeatedly

the coldness grows

Then we realize

we are just using another trick

Transpeople know loneliness

It seems to define our lives

Emily Ray Frisbie

I wrote this last night in response to a question from the intake Social worker at Veterans Village of San Diego wher I wil be going tomorrow i think.

The question what scared you about coming to VVSD before At first I told her that it was the 30 day restriction policy that bothered me. I am sure she has heard that a thousand times before and it seemed incomplete and I was bothered by my response all night long.

The reason I was scared of the restriction policy was simply loneliness. I have in the past delt with that lonliness by moving. I have lived in a new place almost every 2 years up until 2004 when I started isolating. being stuck on the compound for 30 days would not alow me any relief from the loneliness. The trick of moving is saying to yourself I will meet somebody new if I go here or there and I wont be lonely. It of course never worked, but would bring relief for a time. I also was scared of the size of VVSD 170 people more or less. it is one thing to be alone in a small group odds are most people wont find a match in groups under twenty, but to feel alone in a group of 170 people is statisticaly not very common so says the trick and so I tend to avoid large bodies of people. the same logic applys to the isolation. everyone in a body of 1 is by definition alone. it is not just you that feels this way the whole world feels this way. But, alas this is just another trick of the mind we use to deal with our loneliness.

The key is what do we do when we find out all these coping strategies are just tricks. one could do as I have in the past and attempt suicide. Or one can choose as I have recently to say no to the tricks and fight the cause of my loneliness head on. For Transpeople it means to transition. It must be attempted at all costs. In reality you have nothing until you are honest with yourself and every person you relate to. If they leave it will be painful no doubt. But, is it any less painful hideing?

Huggs

Emily

Link to comment

We manage to feel alone in crowded rooms surrounded by friends, it seems to be an integral part of being trans.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest sarah f

I find myself starting to isolate myself from my family and friends because I don't want to hurt them when I do come out. If they get used to me not being there than it won't be as bad. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

I like to be alone most of the time because it is what I am used to. I guess it comes with the teritory but I sometimes wish I had more friends to talk to.

Maybe someday I will venture out and actually meet some of the LGBT group that I talk to online in my area. I really want to but don't want to hurt my wifes feelings by doing this. It is hard enough on her right now just trying to accept who I am. I am not pushing anything on her right now.

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

.

It's a result of our Trans lives....

And it's with us like ugly on a ape....

We live our lives in isolation..self imposed...

While with other people we are looking at every situation as if it were happening in our correct gender robbing us of the joy of the moment..

We were always shackeled to the inside of our minds....

It's a hard life for most of us...

Hopefully we can all acheive our needs and start to enjoy life...

Huggs

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Being alone - what is it caused by? It seems to be self inflicted most times. My take is there are certain characteristics we have that exacerbate this condition, many of them because we are gender dysphoric, some a combination of that and our circumstances, some just not understandable.

We are afraid to let people get close to us because we think they will suddendly discover us as we really are: gender dysphoric.

We have had an event or events in our lives that make us shun others: child abuse, sexual abuse, physical attacks, betrayals of trust in all forms and descriptions. This is a powerful deterent to socialization - if we have been hurt before by people we trust, we can't trust anyone.

We feel we are inferior and unworthy. This stems from a self identity problem, poor lack of self esteem. It is also because we often have not accepted ourselves.

We cannot interact properly when around people. Social Dysphoria. We just don't know how. Our awkwardness causes others to shun us. We withdraw and don't ever try again.

Our gender dysphoria. Others shun us, and we don't understand because we are good people, loving and kind.

Religeous prejudice - others have not read what Jesus says, to love one another. I suppose we don't fit in their worldview.

Bad breath - check your mouthwash effectiveness.

Sorry , I cannot stay serious - its too depressing. I think I will just go eat worms. Or just pull the cover over my head, in bed...

So In closing? To not be alone, we need to look at why we shun people? Perhaps there are those out there who will love us - if we love ourselves?

Elizabeth Anne

Link to comment
Guest therisa

Emily, reading your poem and the accompanying explaination, it was, as if you were talking about my life. My current place is about the longest that I have stayed in one place, having just past my 3rd anniversary, since leaving a woman's shelter. I know, why I isolate myself and still, find it a huge and painful struggle to fight it, at times. Wishing you, all the luck and strength in your healing.

Hugs,

Therisa

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 113 Guests (See full list)

    • MaybeRob
    • VickySGV
    • Wasylyna
    • Jordyn1215225
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...