Not Just A Cd, Not Quite Mtf?

[Guest aliisa]

When I signed up awhile ago under gender I put crossdresser.

But the more I've thought about it these past months leads me to believe that I'm not just a crossdresser, but not quite a full blown MTF either.

I love being Aliisa; shopping for clothes, dressing, just doing daily chores as a girl, taking a socially more submissive, "girl," role in things.

I want the long hair, the makeup, the hairless body (without shaving! such a hassle! =P), the breasts, and all that, but I kind of like my penis.

I guess what I'm saying is that usually here on the forums is that everyone is talking about how they can't wait to start HRT, get surgery and become a girl, or they talk about how they love dressing and having a separate "person" in their life, but I feel like I am what the stereotypical, ignorant people think of when they think of a "crossdresser:" a girl with a penis.

So... yeah.

Am I transgendered? I feel like I'm a combination of confusing terms... not quite sure how to handle it or what steps to take to be me.

Thanks

[Guest sarah f]

Alisa this is good to question what you really want. If you don't question things then you really will never know what will make you happy.

Do you have a GT gender therapist yet? If not then I would start to look for one. They are more qualified to help you figure out what you want and need. We will try to help the best we can but a GT is the best solution for you.

If you have any more questions please ask and we will try to help.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Alissa.....

I'll ask, too...

Have you seen a therapist?

'See, we can't answer that question for you...That is something that one has to ask themselves...

Donna Jean

[Guest aliisa]

I... can't really?

Military restrictions on this sort of stuff.

Kind of was hoping Don't Ask Don't Tell was going to get shut down a few weeks ago...

[Guest Donna Jean]

I... can't really?

Military restrictions on this sort of stuff.

Kind of was hoping Don't Ask Don't Tell was going to get shut down a few weeks ago...

Oh my goodness, Honey....I didn't realize that you were military...

If you go to a therapist, they'll need to be paid for by you...not military therapists...

Is that a possibility?

HUGGS

Donna Jean

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry that hasn't gone through yet. I hope it changes soon for you and everyone else in the military that it applies to. I guess in the meantime we will try to help the best we can. Just keep asking your questions and hopefully you will start to understand where you fall in the gender spectrum.

[Guest Sharah]

Aliisa,

While I totally agree with the others have said regarding a therapist I can understand your dilemma with the military. The real truth is that only YOU can answer your questions. A therapist will help you to sort through your feelings and figure out what your answers are, but those answers come from you. We can help by sharing our experiences and perhaps helping you to figure out what the questions are.

Please tell us more about what you feel about yourself.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hello Aliisa,

Welcome to my world. More than just a cross-dresser but not quite a mtf. There are a few of us here, though most don't get on very often, just living their lives as best they can.

I don't have any particular affection for any part of my body, but I certainly don't abhor any part either. They're just there. If something disappeared I would maybe have a moment of silence, but that's about all. And certainly no intention of forcing the issue either.

According to the accepted terminology, transgendered covers the broad spectrum including ts, cd, tv, or most other terms. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those terms. It's who we are, and what we are. Nothing (short of death) will change it, so we just deal with it in our own personal ways.

Are you sure that Aliisa isn't that other 'person' in your life? I mean, as males we're fairly stuck with certain secondary male characteristics, like excess body hair and lack thereof on the head, a rougher skin, lower voice, lots more, of course. All things which can get in the way of an enjoyable life like your description of a great day for Aliisa.

To me, a simple cross-dresser is someone who enjoys one (or at most 2-3) items of clothing and leaves it at that, just enjoying and appreciating whatever feelings one derives. To go all the way as you (and on occasion, me) do is something more.

There will be people here who will relate their stories with full honesty and sincerity, about how they thought they were cross-dressers, but upon exploring themselves with a therapist, they discovered they were moving towards mtf and transitioning and have fully and happily embraced that. Nothing wrong with that, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not pursuing that. And finding a therapist may help you find some other things about yourself.

I have chosen not to see a therapist because I have considered (and am constantly doing so) all the different options available to me, and I fully feel I will continue being happiest (not 100% happy, but happiest) following the path I'm taking. Personally, I'm not in the market for someonetelling me I would be happier doing something else. I've spent the last 58 years evaluating all of it.

But, that's me. You should do what you feel is necessary for your happiness.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest aliisa]

Thanks for the responses, and especially thanks to Chloe. That's good to hear...

I guess I can kind of relate to how you described the body parts, but I look at myself and see how attractive I would be if I had the hair, a little more feminine features, and breasts.

Those parts I feel like are needed, while what makes me "male," isn't, but more of wanted.

If I were to wake up a completely biological woman, I would be happy, but what would make me feel... right, I guess, would be if I still had that something extra.

And not just as some sexual fetish or anything. If it was that, I would be fine with just crossdressing every once in awhile, but I know it's more than that. I feel comfortable en femme.

I know I won't be able to talk to a therapist for quite some time, but is there a specific "group" I fall under, like everyone else? I feel like I don't have a place.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Aliisa

You are who you are Be just you sweetheart Don't compare yourself to to others... OK.

What is most important, is that you find peace with yourself and express who you are.

You are just fine hon

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Draft 2: went to hit post and discovered the internet went down. Lets see if I can remember what I was gonna say.

Your post reinforced the idea that out of the many labels we have at our disposal, they can never catch everyone perfectly.

I identify as CD, and reading Chloe's post, she mentioned a "simple" crossdresser who enjoys one or two items under or with their male attire. I enjoy this very much once in a while. At this point in my life around once a month I like to take it "all the way" making every effort to present as female as possible. (Friend me to gain access to my gallery for an example)

Now I don't wish to now, or think I will ever want to change my gender. I am quite happy being male. As a real life example, last weekend I had the opportunity to live as female (at home) Saturday - Sunday afternoon. Having not dressed at all in about a month in a half, I was in a state of euphoria. However, by mid afternoon Sunday, I felt satisfied. Fulfilled and totally at peace. I started my day over with a shower, discovered that eyeliner can be difficult to remove, and continued my life as a regular guy. The constant desire to express my femininity had been met, and drifted from my mind. Typically after indulging to such an extent I will behave more on the masculine than is even normal until it balances back out in a couple days.

Recently as I become more familiar and comfortable with who I am, I have allowed the black & white, yin & yang to sort of mesh together, not allowing the constraints of gender roles to define how I act and which aspects of my personality can be expressed. So on top of being what Chloe might refer to as a "complex" crossdresser, I am starting to borrow the androgynous. (COGIATI score of 12)

I tend to be a little long winded but to sum up:

Don't feel constrained to fall into either one label or another. They exist more for for those that need to understand and compartmentalize, and for giving a starting place to help explain where you fall on the spectrum. I know from meeting a lot of them we have just about every flavor under the sun here at Laura's.

Not every CD is limited to panties under his business suit, and not every TS opts for hormones, modification of chest & genitals etc.

Discovering more on who YOU are, with or without a therapist, will do wonders for your self esteem and confidence.

Once you feel confident in your identity, decide how you will pursue it. Do everything you can to choose to live in a safe & supportive environment.

-Samantha

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Gee, I just wanna say that I've really enjoyed some of the answers that have come in here...

Really good stuff!

Donna Jean

[Guest aliisa]

SamanthaJane,

I agree with a lot that you said, and I really like your post.

I feel like last year I was more leaning on to what you're experiencing. Having these "urges," so to speak, to be female, and after awhile I was perfectly content with be male. I enjoyed both sides, and to some extent I kind of still do. However, while on summer break I took the time to finally just go all out, to do what makes me happy, to spend a large amount of time as female. I enjoyed it immensely, and liked being JUST female, without really wanting to be male, but doing so when needing to go out, deal with family, etc. Now that I'm back in my military, socially unacceptable, roommate-means-less-privacy world, I feel like I lost that part of me, and simply "wearing panties" isn't me. I don't know if it's my "I'm 20 and I love being a girl" in me, but when I dress, I like to dress like a 20 year-old would!

I think that lack of being able to be me is making this exponentially harder.

On a different note, thanks a lot for everyones input, and especially stressing "be who you want to be."

But doesn't everyone want to fit in somewhere? Even just a little?

I feel lost without a "group" to be labeled in. I hate being labeled usually, but this is one of the things where I want to feel like there are other people, you know?

When searching the other forums, curiosity got the best of me and I checked out the "Transgenderists" forum.

After reading a bunch of posts there, it seems like what I feel would be "labeled" more as autogynephilia, but even that looks like it dismissed as just some fetish, which I wish it wasn't.

So confusing!

But I do enjoy talking about this in a community where everyone is very accepting. It's interesting to see what other people experience and what they're takes are on these things.

Thanks everyone for that, at least!

[Guest ChloëC]

I'm having trouble with the concept of autogynephilia because it seems to suggest that having sexual urges or sexual fantasies or sexual arousals is not even an issue in normal males or normal females but if someone exhibits this behavior who reports an opposite gender feeling, then there is something 'different' going on, something that has to be labeled as some kind of non-natural behavior.

How does Blanchard (the originator) explain having these gender feelings from age 5 (or probably before!), when sexuality is barely understood or defined or can even be followed through on. He doesn't. He seems more concerned about transgendered post-adolescent sexual behavior and trying to stigmatize it.

When someone comes out with 'an influential taxonomy and etiology' of heterosexualism and defines the subtypes of sexual fantasies as some kind of etiology that is abnormal, then I might consider it.

He divides transsexuals into two groups - homosexual transsexuals, and non-homosexual transsexuals who are sexually aroused by the thought or image of themselves as a woman. Sorry, at age 5, I was neither. And at age 63 I am still neither. (Yes, I'm not a transsexual either, so maybe it's only post-op transsexuals?)

Another comment is truly laughable - "An autogynephile does not necessarily become sexually aroused every time he pictures himself as female or engages in feminine behavior, any more than a heterosexual man automatically gets an erection whenever he sees an attractive woman." So, if you get aroused once or a lot, you are an autogynephile. Doesn't matter. Even though arousal is the main part of the definition, you don't have to be aroused, all you have to be is a transsexual. Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!

I saw in the article that the quotes by Blanchard being cited, he does not use correct pronouns. Interesting, isn't it? Or is Wikipedia totally confused about this issue? It seems the major quotes by Blanchard in his research are not talking about post-op transsexuals. So which is it - are autogynephiles post-op ts or not?

I'm not buying it, for me. But if others feel comfortable with it, then that's their choice.

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest aliisa]

Chloe,

I agree, which is why I wish it wasn't seen as some weird sexual fetish. I mean, "philia" is used to denote something that sexually arouses someone, but I can't seem to find somewhere that would describe someone who wants to keep their original sexual organs, but change their appearance to be of the opposite sex.

Everywhere it just seems like that's another way to get off!

[Guest Opal]

Hi Aliisa!

Are you by chance concerned as to how you are classifying yourself here at Laura's ??

You can easily change the setting in your Profile from crossdresser to something else if you would like. I started here with the crossdresser classification, then to MT? for quite a while. It is really a guideline only, and nothing cast in stone.

Some people here have a strong sense of where they 'fit' in the gender spectrum, others not so much so. Please continue to discuss it, but please try not to stress over any of it either. It will most likely become more clear to you over time.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Autogynephilia? I have problems with that term too. Seems like a 'fetish.' We are about gender, not about sex.

I know you cannot access therapy for a while - but in the interum - you are in a group, you are "gender dysphoric - label not specific. You are in another group - a "member at Laura's" - and that is perfectly fine. You belong here in any case!

I know that I had some of the thoughts you have had - all my life. It took many years to realize I really would like to be fully female, and for the longest time knew I was more than a crossdresser, but didn't really challange the fact I was born with male genitalia... didn't especialy care for them, wished I had female genitalia - but I coped.

So don't worry - you are fine right now. Take time to discover yourself. My therapists says "Find a comfort level." There is no real need for some truly transpeople to transition fully. This also goes for FTM - one of my bestest friends is FTM and will likely never fully transition. He likes many things about being female bodied and male.

Perhaps you will find you are a male bodied female.

I hope this helps a bit.

Lizzy

[Guest Deena]

Hi people!

I just found this topic and it is one that I have been struggling with as well but I don't really care what I am called. I do know however, that I have a male body and for a good chunk of my young life and now an ever increasingly large chunk of my later lifehas been spent wanting to be female and not wanting to be male. I am constantly thinking about wanting to be female and can't really talk to anyone about it except ny therapist (who m giving a few more months to figure me out or help me somehow) and everyone here.

I pretty much dislike my genitals except for the feeling I get from one part and I hate most all else. Dressing up doesn't help me much but doing my nails and wearing some under things to work helps me get through the day without going nuts. I dislike the way I look in female clothes because my body doesn't fill them properly and I just sit and look at women and get jealous. My wife is paying closer attention to me lately and noticing things I say and do and Ive given myself a few more months of this before I see someone who can help if this doesn't go away. If it does, fine. If it doesn't, Im going to go crazy unless I take the next step. I'm sure of that. I can't do this anymore. Doing right now especially at work. I'm sure there are people there who think I'm gay. I don't care. I do want to be seen as a womean however. The thought of being one makes me feel really good. If anyone reads this, I would appreciate comments. I'm not sure what I expect to hear. Thanks.

[Guest Sharah]

Deena,

I can hear what you are saying very clearly. My best advice is to get hooked up with a gender therapist as soon as you can. You their assistance in sorting out what you are thinking and feeling and to figure out what comes next.

Your description of how you feel about dressing versus being a woman is so familiar to me. My dressing started out, many years ago, as just a fun game to play. The part that was so overwhelming to me was the part about wanting to be a woman and not just dress like one. What I am coming to terms with now is that I don't want to be a woman, I AM A WOMAN. It is just that my body doesn't match me.

Only you can answer this question for you and the help of an experienced gender therapist can be very important in finding out what your asnwers are.

[Guest Deena]

Thank you Sharah. It is so good to hear from others with similar thoughts. It helps keep you sane.

Deena

[Guest Penelope]

I feel that I fit within the general title of this thread. Before reading it I had already changed my 'label' from crossdresser to transgender.

I need to do more than just wear female garments. I am steadily discovering more of the feminine in myself; and am (now) happily embracing it. However, I definitely do not reject my male body and persona. I try to accommodate both genders but do not wish to appear androgynous. So, I oscillate between my pre-existing male form and, in private only, what I think is a reasonable facsimile of a female.

Penny

[Guest ChloëC]

Whew! Thanks Penny for putting in a few words what usually takes me a book to write.

Yeah, it's private for me now, but I'd like to live as my opposite outward appearing gender (which is male) for a week or a month or more. But I'm not sure I want to give it up.

When I'm female, I'm really into it. But when I'm not? I'm just not. Interesting how that works

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest DawnK]

Hi Aliisa,

I'd like to spend some time talking with you, but I'm full of Pain meds at the moment and can barely hold my eyes open. But like you, I don't feel labels fit me and I spent 20 years in the Air Force, so you can email me directly from my profile or I'll try to get back to this tomorrow before I go to work.

I'm opened to answering any questions you might have or maybe make some suggestions on the topic. But I'll tell you this, I envy that you're young enough to start addressing this and have a real possibility of changing your life so you find enjoyment. In my youth, we didn't have the internet and I felt I was totally alone. I hope you realize that you're not. Please bear with me and I'll re-read the thread tomorrow and maybe be a little clearer in what I'm trying to say.

Take Care,

Dawn

[Guest jennifer normal]

Get off the pills keep moving toward yourself. You sound very intelligent and not old, that was not necessary age bis no factor. I'll try to follow how your doing. BEst of Wishes Jennifer

[Guest jennifer normal]

who ah that was a book I read and couldn't put down. Put a bookmark and ask yourself was this the last page I read. To be continued maybe. GOOD THOUGHTS jENNIFER