A Little Unusual, Maybe.

[Guest Kaisada]

Hello there.

I'm never entirely sure what to say in posts like these - the first thing which comes to mind, is the degree of acceptance I've noticed in this community. I've been frequenting online forums and making them a significant aspect of my life for many years - come across many supportive groups along the way, but the atmosphere here surpasses them all.

The one thing that really deserves to be commended is acceptance of younger people - that's always been a significant struggle in my experience of human society - the extent to which age is used to judge the individual. If you're young, not only does no one take you seriously, they often express active hostility towards you - and for some reason, it really hurt me. I suppose that's where the feeling disconnected and even hatred towards my body began - because I was being judged, from the moment I was capable of self-consciousness, based on a physical trait that I had no control over. It hurt so bad that I was desperate, for much of my childhood and early teens, to give off an outward appearance of adulthood to escape being represented as something I was not; the negative perceptions typically associated with youth - and the easiest way to do so, it seemed, was to display physical characteristics that indicated sexual growth and maturity.

So I tried to look like a woman (as opposed to 'girl'), act like a woman, be interested in the things that typical 'women' are interested in, and so long as it was successful in fooling people to think me old enough to be worthy of their company, I didn't think too much about it, and frankly wasn't capable of doing so. I had (have?) a long history of depression and self-harm over this, as strange as it probably sounds to a lot of people, and for most of what I can remember, the sole focus of my mind was on surviving to the day I would become a legal adult and not have to hide, or feel unwanted and worthless in society due to some physical trait which I do not identify with and forces a certain negative image of me that is totally wrong.

(Oh, my, how did I end up here? I'm so good at rambling. Oh well, might as well keep going then, get to the part that's actually relevant.)

By some miraculous twist of events (which, to be honest if it hadn't happened, I'm not sure if I'd still be alive, or mentally coherent today) I started living on my own shortly after my 14th birthday, in an apartment owned by my father, but was too small to fit both of us! At first, he hung around a lot, but as time went on, we spent less and less time in each other's ways, and it really seemed as if I was becoming independent. I got a job, and worked hectic amount of hours - but it helped me mentally, which made the strain worthwhile. Age started to become increasingly a non-issue, as there was no longer a constant environmental reminder, and the depression that I thought would never go away started to lift, surprisingly, leaving me with greater space for a clear mind. It was around that time when I started to seriously think about everything, from my life path to the nature of reality. The thought was always more or less there for as far back as I can remember, but I decided around that time, that since the concept of romance and sexuality was absurd to me, I would have nothing to do with it. I started identifying as asexual, too. There are many practical reasons out there against marriage and relationships, and mine included most of that, but at the end of it all, it really came down to 'because this stuff doesn't make sense.' It didn't make sense no matter how I thought about it, and how many questions I asked of different people.

But they all said that I was just a late bloomer. That it is in the nature of a person in a female body to want to have a man to protect them, to desire a sense of security, to have a maternal and nurturing instinct, to be visually attracted to men with certain body types or just to men's bodies in general, to want to be a man's 'one and only', to aspire towards certain physical looks and be deeply concerned with physical appearance, to naturally view oneself as the weaker one...

Needless to say, I identified with none of these things, but the last thing absolutely screamed at me. I absolutely will not accept the idea that my physical body will dictate, once more, that I am inferior and somehow 'lesser' than anyone else, based on things I have absolutely no control over. I didn't have much difficulty fitting into the expectations of a prepubescent girl - shy to the point of social ineptitude, humility, artistic talent, preference for calm, quiet, indoor activities... but for the first time, I was being confronted with a changed set of expectations - that of womanhood. It is true that I used to pretend I was one, but that was for the pure sake of pretense - observing others and mimicking them through a detached perspective. I wasn't aware of the essence of these things, only that they somehow helped me in my struggle with age issues.

I started to notice everything differently - no longer focused on age, but rather on gender. The social, mental, and metaphysical implications of being female - things I had never considered before. And I noticed how the identity of womanhood was so deeply out of line with me. It went against much of my personal beliefs and values - and produced a constant sense of discomfort. But when I took notice to the experience of manhood on the other end, it was the same feeling. When I decided that my goal in this lifetime is to cultivate and sustain a state of spiritual balance, thereby facilitating consistent mental and rational clarity.... the one thing that nagged me the most was the yin and yang aspect. I am in a female body, and I can't ever escape that so long as I'm alive - but this in itself is a source of energy imbalance. The only way to negate its effects, it seems, is to cultivate the opposing male energy, in an equal and consistent quantity - so the two balances out. Somewhat alike the concept behind two-spirited people.

Gender, to me, is a spiritual limitation - identifying as either male or female is a very unsettling idea to have. I identify as gender-neutral, although I aim to present myself outwardly as male, to compensate for my female biology. Finding this path has helped me feel more confident with my inner self in so many ways - most of all, there is no longer a pressing paranoia that one day I will somehow betray everything I stand for, because 'I am female and what females think/are/do contradict that'.

However, countless new challenges have arisen. Our society has no place for a third gender, which will mean that I will be forced to at least be officially female - even that thought has started to become uncomfortable. I can't transition, since there is nothing to transition to. Every single time I have to say that I'm female, or when another person perceives such, it makes me feel horribly wronged and ready to dig a hole in the ground and hide. I hate the feminine features of my body, breasts especially since they are noticeable, but there's not much I can do about it for now - removing them isn't much use if I still have to be female in official capacities anyway, and binding is probably the easier alternative for my size. But the more I actively seek to stay gender-neutral, the more everything starts to bother me, and obsessive thoughts at times will interfere with important thought processes - it's very frustrating. The likelihood of this being a life-long struggle isn't encouraging at all - since there arn't many signs right now showing the possibility of a third gender opening up in our society. I'm still prone to the depression, but after all that's happened and the intellectual growth I experienced during those in-between years, I feel that I'm able to deal with it a lot better now.

I really want to find other people who can relate to the experience of gender dysphoria - online too, but more important in real life. But I'm not sure where to begin.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Kaisada, and welcome to the Playground! I'm very pleased to meet you, and I thank you for this very interesting and informative post. I also thank you for your comments about the site. No matter how often I hear that we're unique, it never ceases to please me, and all of us who are members. I have found great friendships among the younger members, despite the

fact that I'm a *cough* age-gifted woman. It's fun to learn from you all, and I suppose the fact that I have a 17 year old of my own helps in that regard.

We do have a lot of androgynes among the members, and by now you may know that we have an Androgyne Forum. You are welcome to post in any forum, though, and avail yourself of the Chat Rooms and Resource Pages too.

If you haven't already, please do read the Terms and Conditions (Forum Rules), as we try our best to keep the site safe and pleasant for everyone. There is a link at the top of each page.

Oh, shoot, I almost forgot (face palms self). We have a welcome tray of hot cocoa and cookies that we offer all new members,

and sometimes even pizza. I like the pepperoni and anchovies myself.

Enjoy your stay, ask questions, and learn. We'll be here for you.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Nawat]

Kaisada,

I am a new member here, but I read your post before joining. In fact, reading your story was one of the reasons why I decided that I wanted to join. I have been a fairly staunch feminist ever since I understood the concept, but I have always gone through phases of research & expressions concerning feminism and avoiding it. After reading your post, while a lot of the assumptions about women are not feminist in nature, it helped me realize that my phases were due to the fact that all of the feminist literature I have read relies on the reader's identification as a woman.

Mostly, I just want to say thanks for sharing your story!

Nawat

[Guest Taran]

Kaisada,

Unusual, maybe (then again, aren't we all a bit unusual here?) Enlightening? Definitely. I love your description of your gender identity and of struggles you've gone through / are going through with it. I'm not going to say that I feel exactly the same as you, because I don't, not quite exactly. But still, I feel like reading about this made me think about the whole gender issue from a new and clear perspective, and thus has taught me a great deal.

It seems as though both genders have some degree of behavioral limitations, and that's something I'm also struggling to accept. I fully believe that gender, like sexuality and handedness and hair color and all other aspects of human life, is on a spectrum - sometimes several spectrums - and yet, particularly in the case of gender, people feel the need to dichotomize. I see myself as a pretty long distance from either of the ends of the spectrum, like you, apparently. So what do people like us do from here...? That's one of the many questions I'm hoping this site will help me, and you, and everyone else on here explore. Because someone has to, right...?

Anyway, yeah. Thanks a bunch for putting this up...

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Kaisada ,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings Sat & Weds 9pm est est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna