World's Worst Looking Transwoman

[Guest Stephanie Butterfield]

Hi

I thought I'd introduce myself, I am Stephanie Butterfield, the world's worst looking transsexual woman from the UK. How do I come to this conclusion ? well I am abused everywhere I go, the hormones have had no effect on me, I am refused female toilet access everywhere I go, I have a huge adams apple, no softening of skin, no fat redistribution, no muscle mass reduction, and no body hair reduction.

I am 44, from Gateshead in Tyne and Wear, a very transphobic town, I struggle to get work, my whole family abandoned me when I came out as TS 2 years ago, my home has been attacked 3 times, I am constantly abused from those as young as 3 who call me a freak to those much older who threaten me with actual physical violence. There is no TS support network on Tyneside either, so I feel nothing is going my way.

Stephanie

[Guest CharliTo]

Aww....sorry to hear that Ever thought about moving?

Welcome to the forums.

[Guest Drew]

i agree with CharliTo...ever thought about moving? that really sucks that people are so transphobic.

welcome to the forums...you're among friends here

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi and welcome to the forums. I'm sorry that you don't live in an accepting place. That stinks.

[MaryEllen]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. As the others have suggested, you should get out of that hostile environment. I'm sure there must be many places in the UK that are more trans friendly than where you are now. Good luck.

MaryEllen

[Guest Stephanie Butterfield]

Moving is out of the question, as I say I simply do not pass, I get abused everywhere I go, its me not looking female that brings this out in folks, I look very male indeed as hormones don't work.

I don't feel like my transition is ever going to bring me any happiness, everyone that meets me refers to me as sir, mate, pal, this gentleman, smart female dressed with make up on its still same, its destroying me to think i look as male now as i did prior to starting HRT.

Everyone I meet in person or online, doesn't get the treatment I do, thought of ending it all but i'm clinging on right now.

stephanie

[Guest Lucia]

Everyone I meet in person or online, doesn't get the treatment I do, thought of ending it all but i'm clinging on right now.

stephanie

Stephanie,

In your transition, do you have a therapist to assist you through the transition? This can help tremendously about how to adapt. Fitting in is possible, perhaps the tactics you are using can change. For example, instead of going out all fem, you might wear tom-boyish outfits or gender-neutral presentation.

Also for the harmones, have you been having doctor's supervision to make sure the dosages are right for you.

Don't rely completely on harmones, they can only do so much and often not as much as we like. Techniques in dressing (such as used by cross-dressers) and strategies such as dressing to fit-in can help.

There is a wide spectrum of beauty out there and some have it easier than others, even genetic gals. It is all about adapting and adjusting to what is available. Everyone does it, some just have to do it more than others, but that's how we thrive.

I hope you are seeing a therapist or counseler especially if this leaves you feeling this way.

[Guest Jackson]

Stephanie,

Just a few thoughts to add. Being a pharmacist and currently in graduate school, I would make sure you are under a physician's care while receiving hormones. I don't know if you want to spend the extra money and have more specific medical testing performed. There may be biological reasons why the usual dose of hormones is not working. You may not have the normal number of estrogen receptors in your body as the "normal" person does. You may have other receptor issues going on so that you may need a different dose of hormones than everyone else.

Everyone is different as we know; however, there are underlying reasons to why one person may be more sensitive to medications than others. Maybe you just need to find something like this out before giving up on hormone therapy altogether.

I hope this helps some. And just know that you've got people here to support you.

Jackson

[Guest raydub]

I want to Welcome you to the forums Stephanie.

Thank you. Thank you for coming to us. For being brave and continuing on.

I hope we here at Laura's Playground can help you find solutions and be your support.

Ray

[Guest SailorMercury]

Hello Stephanie

Firstoff, welcome and know you got my favorite first-name so thers already sounding beautiful about you.

But of course kind words won't help you when people in your area are completely ignorant... and physical violence is a shame.

What I can tell you is from my personal experience: NEVER call yourself "worlds worst looking" and mean it.

Never.

I state that I am "Worlds most ugly girl" - just in german. Now people step to me as a guy and tell me "youre not ugly at all, a bit weird with this girl-stuff but not ugly at all O_o" because they dont see the point.

When a girl wipes off her makeup she still is recognized to be a girl, but me not even when i wear it. THis disadvantage however doesnt mean that I am not a girl inside just because nobody ever acknowledges it, and i told my therapist if he doesnt acknowledge me and give me hormones then i won't cry, I don't need him to make me a woman, i AM one, just I dont get any help, acknowledgement or cooperation from this world at all just because i look different (you bet he was flabberghasted about that rally )

So in your case, which of course is harder, I just want to tell you you got a hard fate with such an environment, but never lose out of sight that youre (last of the title) a woman.

Thers no problem with transsexuality in this, youre just a human tahts different and therfore being discriminated by an ignorant society who also bullies handicapped people, beats up helpless and kils for a cellphone. In your case they do that to tell you youre not a woman to them. TO THEM! BUT as much as it hurts these people can't change what is inside, which is in fact a woman, and you dont have to survive this struggle as a woman but primary as a human, those that step to you violent are condemnable to ANY person not only to TS, and those others you will learn to care less and less, we live with a that discriminitive burden just for not being normal girls, its not YOU being not beautiful enough to be accepted, its them being not civilized enough, they do the same with other people who have a hard fate, so, NEVER mix these two things up!

You need all strenght to walk the transsexual gauntlet, never be your own enemy on it, its them saying things to you, but only when you start to say them, too, you are accepting it, thus making you lose yourself and perish in the end.

I never was a beautiful nor a womanly woman either. They will never accept me. Still, they will never be able to change that i am female as a fact. KNowing that they cant take it away, I stopped to fear if they acept me as a woman, do you understand?

Youre suffering a harder problem, but as long as you dont keep the strenght not to give up, nothing is decided, and they can say and think what they want.

THis took me over an hour to write and re-edit. I wish you everything good on your way, beside all help and hints what counts most for a transsexual is to be strong, opposite of girlie, you got to wage a war right now, and metaphorically, a war is no place for beauty and sensibility anyway, so don't be distracted, prove your womanhood every day anew, and after that (and when the hormones have finaly kicked in) you will enjoy a way more beautiful life automatically, being strong AND feminine, finding more tolerance and being able to ignore or even to fight off the rest of the pack.

With best regards and wishes

Mercury

[Guest Stephanie Butterfield]

Hi everyone,

Firstly can I say that I have never self medicated, indeed I advise against it in my online support sites. I have been seeing my psychiatrist on January 30th 2007, and done everything by the book. Thing is my PCT and Gender Clinic do not employ an endocrinologist, so if my hormones aren't doing enough, its a case of tough luck.

I get refused toilet access, though I have won a 20 month battle for the right to use the ladies at a uk supermarket chain who banned me from their ladies just because I was transsexual.

I get lots of nice comments from people I know, but I have yet to enjoy the pleasure of being treated as female by total strangers. youngsters abuse me, older teens have given me death threats, attacked my home and the names I get called are pretty vile.

I am hopefull I'll get recommended for trachea shave by my voice therapist, that will help, as will my on going facial laser treatment, which is having the added effect of exfoliating my skin, its much smoother than it was.

So ok I'm not the ugliest pre op in the world, but I long to be accepted, as I so often feel rejected by society, just like I was with my family.

I do have a job lined up, as a civil servant, just awaiting a start date. So a few things are going my way, a few.

Stephanie

awaiting second opinion for surgery

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Stephanie!

Hi : )

This is my first post here, ever, and its for you.

Actually, I think Mercury said it all and said it very well, but I wanted to add that while things have not been so bad for me, I do understand your frustration. It is indeed difficult to know who you are inside and feel that your appearance limits your expression and other people's understanding of who you are. I am not a feminine looking person either, and no matter what I do, people still refer to me as mister and sir and dude and man and so on and so forth. Its quite frustrating, and the more so when the people who are doing it know how you feel and do it anyway.

But the struggle cannot always be entirely about be other people's perceptions and acknowledgements. People in our situation must also struggle to be ok with ourselves despite our limitations. We must acknowledge ourselves and be happy with who we are at each and every step of our lives. If we can get into the right place, it doesn't matter as much that other people do not understand. Of course, if people are openly abusive and aggressive towards you, that is another matter and far harder to deal with. But as Mercury said, you must never internalize their feelings towards you. People who behave in those ways are WRONG.

Though all of us wish ourselves more like our ideal, the most important and most beautiful part of ourselves is inside. The same is true even of those who pass perfectly. Whats in here ::taps heart:: is what is important, and if you look there, you will see that you are a woman, and you are beautiful, and nothing anyone can say or do can change that to any degree. Its a fact. Its who you are.

So, don't despair. Find your courage and your confidence and let it show through your smiles and your actions every day. Let the people who are willing to learn to see you for who you really are come to understand you through your own acceptance of yourself, and let those who are unwilling to understand suffer from their own ignorance. It is they who are defficient.

We are all of us in a unique position to teach other people to see the world with wider and more accepting eyes. But first we have to see ourselves with them.

Be strong and be happy.

[Guest Rachael92]

Hiya Stephanie,I really dont want to sound patronising but I am going to risk it and say it anyway,What we are going through takes courage whatever way we look at it-I really just want to say that you have a friend here,I live in Eastbourne,East Sussex so please contact me if you have a mind to xx

[Guest Christine-Louise]

Hey Stephanie,

You have friends here now you have another, I live in the UK too near the east coast (Essex), now you mustn't ever think of yourself as anything other than a Beautiful Woman, for that is what you are, the outside may take a little time to catch up but all the same that is what you are, as far as Hormone Treatment goes I was moved from one to another a few times until we found the right mix for Me as you say we don't have the benefit of Endocrinology as do some, so sadly we have to use the old trial and error method, I have after nine years managed to get My GP to prescribe Me Finasteride, so yes it is a long long road to get where you want to be, but to repeat you are a beautiful Woman, once you feel that is what you are your whole attitude to life will begin to change, you walk differently you talk differently, your everything changes, to help the voice this may sound silly but it worked and still works for Me, now I have a lovely Dog MY "LUCY", now I talk to Her as if I were talking to a baby in a slightly raise pitch, listen to a Woman talking to a baby, OK it's not perfect but it sure helps a lot, but just don't overdo it, now I have been on Hormone Treatment for over nine years but it is only in the last few that I can go anywhere and do anything, AS A WOMAN, it is wonderful to be able to, but time is the thing here, some get there slower than others and you like Me are one of those sadly, but believe Me it will happen.

[Guest Shaun.Olsen]

Hey Stephanie,

You have friends here now you have another, I live in the UK too near the east coast (Essex), now you mustn't ever think of yourself as anything other than a Beautiful Woman, for that is what you are, the outside may take a little time to catch up but all the same that is what you are, as far as Hormone Treatment goes I was moved from one to another a few times until we found the right mix for Me as you say we don't have the benefit of Endocrinology as do some, so sadly we have to use the old trial and error method, I have after nine years managed to get My GP to prescribe Me Finasteride, so yes it is a long long road to get where you want to be, but to repeat you are a beautiful Woman, once you feel that is what you are your whole attitude to life will begin to change, you walk differently you talk differently, your everything changes, to help the voice this may sound silly but it worked and still works for Me, now I have a lovely Dog MY "LUCY", now I talk to Her as if I were talking to a baby in a slightly raise pitch, listen to a Woman talking to a baby, OK it's not perfect but it sure helps a lot, but just don't overdo it, now I have been on Hormone Treatment for over nine years but it is only in the last few that I can go anywhere and do anything, AS A WOMAN, it is wonderful to be able to, but time is the thing here, some get there slower than others and you like Me are one of those sadly, but believe Me it will happen.

here here, i agree ur a beautiful woman... no questions asked, they need to open thier eyes.

[Guest Stephanie Butterfield]

Hi Christine,

I am seeing my voice therapist for the 10th time today, she has promised to discuss the possibility of my throat surgery; Trachea shave and vocal cords tied. If I get it, I'df invoke my right to patient choice and go to Charing Cross as it is the UK centre of excellence in this procedure.

I had a revelation yesterday, whilst getting ready for my trip to the gender clinic, my muscle tone is now starting to reduce. So I felt confident to wear a sleeveless top for the first time ever with a skirt, and my gender psychiatrist said I looked very good, praising how I presented.

Then it was off to the dole office, which I dread with a passion, no abuse or even second looks, I was so surprised really I was, because its a very rough part of Gateshead with many chava types. howeever none said a word, so a good day.

I have a picture from yesterday, I look very frumpy, the hormones have distributed all fat to my tummy, I used to get into a size 8 skirt comfortably now i struggle to fit a size 16.

Stephanie

http://pub10.bravenet.com/photocenter/albu...ernum=819398805

[Guest raydub]

Stephanie,

you DID look good yesterday.

take heed to what Christine-Louise said.

and remember that you have friends here.

Ray