Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Androgynous Or Transgender?


Guest sleeping chrysalid

Recommended Posts

Guest sleeping chrysalid

I think I am transgender but I might just be androgynous. The question has been eating at me for a long time but it feels even longer. Every waking hour I wonder who and what I am because I was always an outcast. I never did fit in with the boys around me but since everyone sees me as male I remained separated from the girls. I have very little in common with male society but I question how much I have in common with females.

I have noticed quite a few feminine aspects of my personality but interests are a different story. First of all, I am inclined to put others first and in some cases I become a bit of a servant to my younger brothers. They don't ask anything of me that is extremely time consuming but whenever they ask me to get them a drink of water or to share the television I immediately do it without thinking. I do not hesitate to do chores for my parents either and in social situations I can be very timid and shy. I feel uncomfortable being complimented because I do not like the idea of being praised and I feel uncomfortable gloating about anything. I am not fascinated by automobiles and my libido is almost nonexistent but I do have one stereotypical male interest, video games. I do not enjoy racing games or games similar to the famous "Grand Theft Auto" but I do enjoy first person shooters. It is not the violence that attracts me to first person shooters otherwise I would be playing bare fisted melee games as well. I do not enjoy games like "street fighter". What attracts me to first person shooters is the test of reaction time and the competition. If the characters were replaced by squares and all the blood and violence was removed it wouldn't matter to me because the graphics and gore matter very little to me.

I remember my first childhood friend and her name was Jasmine. I remember her typical girlish basement but I do not remember everything we did together. Jasmine had a girlish play tent that was pink, red and yellow. The floor was littered with toys and dolls and I think there was a play kitchen. I remember she was older to me and I imagine that since we spent some time in the basement we engaged in some girly activities. I remember seeing my mother's stockings and trying to stretch my ordinary socks to cover my entire legs. I remember watching some television shows targeted at young girls such as "Anne of Green Gables the Animated Series" "Sailor Moon" and "care bears". I do however; remember doing some boyish things as well. Another memory that I find significant is the time I asked my mother for an "easy-bake oven". As I grew up I became isolated because I did not fit in anywhere and I invented the phrase that has become my motto, "isolation is death". When feeling incredibly miserable I sometimes added, "And silence is my tomb".

The point is that I can recall times when I have been a significantly girly guy and times when it was not apparent. I am not sure if my lack of feminine interests suggest that I might be androgynous or my deeper personality traits suggest I am transgender. I would like some insight but I am too afraid to ask my parents. I am asking for the advice of those who have had similar experiences of varying doubt and certainty.

Link to comment

Hi there, welcome to the Playground. You certainly won't be isolated here.

One thing that should be noted is thet the idea of mtf transsexuals as always hyperfemanine is a myth. One does not have to be free of "masculine interests" to "qualify" as a transexual. (transgender is an umbrella term that includes both transsexuals AND androgynous, as well as others). In fact, I'm a post-op transsexual mtf and I consider myself as a rather soft tomboy! These are the questions you should really ask yourself. Am I comfortable with my physical sex? With my body? Do I yearn to posess a female body? Do I yearn to be seen as female? To interact with society as a female?

Link to comment

Gosh, this seems so familiar to me...

I, too, am tormented by that darned question: "What am I?". I have to keep my mind preoccupied, otherwise my mind just wanders back. It even gets me sleepless nights, because my mind has to keep quiet. You see the vicious cycle?

I, too, have been an outcast for most of my life. Most of the boys took advantage of me, or ignored me... The girls pretended I wasn't even there... At Physical, I would generally be the leftover, when the coach said to divide the class into teams...

I, too, put the welfare of others before my own, usually to my detriment.

I, too, tend to keep quiet in social situations; generally, only talking when spoken to. But when I get going, I keep going, with some people cutting me short, as I start to get carried away...

I, too, play video games, though I have begun to dislike FPS games. I have become quite fond of rhythm based games (Guitar Hero, Rock Band), but my guitar has a broken sensor. Needless to say, video games provide me with a useful outlet.

On the other hand, I have a typical male job, which I absolutely love: I drive trucks, which I love for being big and powerful. Some people suggested I should have become a bus driver, but living cargo can whine and complain... Neither, am I cut out for a desk job, not me...

Love,

Tiaria

Link to comment

Androgynous Or Transgender? That's something that keeps creeping into my mind too, well not exactly, guess for me it would be Androgynous or Transgender or Bisexual just repressed in a weird way. <_< You're post hits a lot of things that are in common with me too. I grew up with mostly female friends and some things about male culture never really clicked with me. I know I used to watch Sailor Moon as well, and the Care Bears too I believe but I also enjoyed He-Man and the Powerrangers. I never was really big on FPS games though. I much prefer RPG, action/adventure games, or a good platformer. I have also generally tended to put others before myself sometimes even to my detriment. I'm not really sure where I fit in the whole spectrum and that is really what is bugging me. As inaccurate as labels can be sometimes if I had one that was a really great fit in this case I'd be happy. I'm hoping therapy can help me with that.

As far as advice goes, being weary of involving your parents is a good idea. I tried that and well it just ended up bad. I was able to smooth things over, but not in a good fashion and that might come back to hurt me later on. If you need to actually meet with someone in person about this I'd say look for a therapist. So far all I've done is call one but that was a big step and it made me realize just how much of an importance resource they are. Don't get me wrong, parents are great, but they will always be your parents. They cannot have the same impartiality as a therapist. Aside from that, try doing some girly things if you can. I've been experimenting with some minor cross-dressing and with nail polish and have been enjoying both. Though its interesting, since finding this site my dressing has decreased a lot. I expect it to shoot up when I start living on my own though. I'll probably set aside a day to live in my apartment in girl mode and see what that does for me.

Link to comment

As far as advice goes, being weary of involving your parents is a good idea. I tried that and well it just ended up bad. I was able to smooth things over, but not in a good fashion and that might come back to hurt me later on.

My parents are the only ones I told. Alright, I told them only about that sneaking suspicion in the back of my head. Guess, this my way of testing the water...

My father was pretty jovial..., he responded along the lines of 'I'll simply have to get used to that...') My mother, on the other hand... She keeps calling me her 'big boy', and I keep responding that that may not be entirely accurate... even going so far as telling her, to here face, how much I hate the fact I've got facial hair...

Oh well, I'll cross the bridge when I come to it... and burn it, if necessary...

Link to comment
She keeps calling me her 'big boy', and I keep responding that that may not be entirely accurate... even going so far as telling her, to here face, how much I hate the fact I've got facial hair...

Yeah that's kind of akin to what my father thinks. I'm partially at fault for it but he basically thinks I just need to get a lady. That I need to go on the prowl for woman instead of seeking therapy and what not. He might be right as all these thoughts were practically gone when I was with a girl but it doesn't change the fact that I can't turn off my thoughts and that I basically have to force myself to imagine myself as the man.

Oh well, I'll cross the bridge when I come to it... and burn it, if necessary...

:( I'm hoping for minimal bridge burning for everyone's sake. I like my family, I'm hoping for acceptance. I'd be delusional to expect it immediately but at least eventual acceptance shouldn't be too much to ask.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi,

One of the most important things I have learned here is that you don't have to be either/or because gender isn't binary but a wide spectrum and we can fit anywhere on it.

I know I am male, every movie I ever saw or book I read, every game I played I only identified fully with the male characters. But I have been socialized as female and was influenced by the estrogen in my body. I like some female things and dislike some male ones. It isn't so much our interests that define us I think, or even competely attitude, but our overall approach and responses to life. Even then there are many variations.

The best way to find out where you really belong on the spectrum is to see a gender therapist who can guide you to understanding what your feelings and identity really are. This can be so confusing with so many conflicts that a gender therapist can make an enormous difference and save you years of questioning and anxiety. A regular therapist who has no gender experience can be a wate of time and money at best and very harmful at worst.

We aren't therapists but will be glad to share our experiences and opinions. Each us is different and we represent the full spectrum here.

Welcome to the forums

John

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Honey - self diagnosis won't work in the long run, and only confuses you in the short run.

We are not therapists - but we can only tell you how it was for ourselves.

THERAPY

That is the only solution, I have to say. It's really not that bad, and usually a therapist turns out to be one o your best friends...

Lizzy

Link to comment
Oh well, I'll cross the bridge when I come to it... and burn it, if necessary...

:( I'm hoping for minimal bridge burning for everyone's sake. I like my family, I'm hoping for acceptance. I'd be delusional to expect it immediately but at least eventual acceptance shouldn't be too much to ask.

You're right... that would be a bit drastic... :huh:

I do hope for a minimum of hassle; and with a little luck, everything will go just fine. All things considered I can't think any family member (at least right now) who would be immediately adverse to all this... Sure, there will be some who may have some problems difficulties getting used to it; but really against...?

Well, perhaps my grandmother... She already has enough to worry about, with her (terminal) intestinal cancer... She doesn't need me to add to her problems... I suppose... I may not need to, given time.... (Don't get me wrong, I do not want her to die!)

Link to comment
Well, perhaps my grandmother... She already has enough to worry about, with her (terminal) intestinal cancer... She doesn't need me to add to her problems... I suppose... I may not need to, given time.... (Don't get me wrong, I do not want her to die!)

HUG

That's rough. Replace cancer with senility and that could describe my grandmother. If I transition the situation will be a black box to her. She'll probably just think I'm a completely different person. :(

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

If you need to actually meet with someone in person about this I'd say look for a therapist. So far all I've done is call one but that was a big step and it made me realize just how much of an importance resource they are.

I've thought about meeting with a GT but I realize that they are not fully covered by the Canadian health care system. The only way to meet with a therapist would involve telling my parents so that they could help me pay for it and I am not sure I can come out to them. Even if I could pay for the sessions I would still need an excuse to get out of the house without telling them where I'm actually going.

I expect it to shoot up when I start living on my own though. I'll probably set aside a day to live in my apartment in girl mode and see what that does for me.

I have to admit I look forward to the day I establish a life outside this house because my circumstances here are too restrictive. I can not do anything I want to do regarding transgenderism unless I can keep it hidden from my parents. I am often overcome with paranoia because I am too afraid of what could happen if they ever find out. I don't want to assume things will be perfect after I leave home but I will definitely not have to worry about concealling myself.

Link to comment

I've thought about meeting with a GT but I realize that they are not fully covered by the Canadian health care system. The only way to meet with a therapist would involve telling my parents so that they could help me pay for it and I am not sure I can come out to them. Even if I could pay for the sessions I would still need an excuse to get out of the house without telling them where I'm actually going.

That's a bummer. :( I have next to no familiarity with the Canadian health care system but would there be a way to do it stealth like? Say maybe seeing a general therapist and getting a referral for a gender therapist?

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

That's a bummer. :( I have next to no familiarity with the Canadian health care system but would there be a way to do it stealth like? Say maybe seeing a general therapist and getting a referral for a gender therapist?

I hope there is a way I could see a therapist without my parents knowing because I am very restricted in my current situation. I do whatever I can in secret but I am often too paranoid about getting caught to enjoy it. I am trying to convince my parents to let me try spending my university years in residence away from home so I will have more freedom but until then I am in lockdown. I think I can convince them they are being a little too protective and that it will be easier when I leave home if they take this small step now and shorten the inevitable mighty leap they are going to have to make. My parents don't even know that I am using this forum and they think the reason I suddenly created my own email address (I never needed one before) is so that I can send work home from school to my account.

Link to comment

Wow, they're even concerned as to why you made your own email address? Its lame that they are so controlling, I do hope you are able to move out for your university years. That's what my brother and I did and it was great. Actually was a crushing blow to have to be back in their household for the past 3 months. I don't really resent my parents or anything, I'm just sick of the situation of living with parents, unfortunately for me I didn't really begin to question things while I was out on my own, rather I begun a few weeks before I had to move back with my parents. I think you should definitely push to live on your own during school and take that time to figure stuff out about yourself. I don't know about the feasibility of arranging therapy while at university but most colleges I know of have support/awareness groups for LGBT issues looking into groups like that won't replace a need for therapy but it could help.

Good luck. :)

Link to comment

I really feel lost. some days I relate as male, but others female. I would love to know if I am actually Andro or not. Can anyone help with this?

Link to comment
Guest Matt and Mia

Fascinating, and very nice to see that this seems to be a trend with us... Maybe I should make my own topic for me... but I'd like to atleast post on yours and tell you how very not alone you are in this.

I;ve found some where something about Bi-gender, it's also refered to as two spirit, and I think andro covers it as well... terminology makes my barin sizzle...

In any case it's generally refferring to people who express a male and a female side at different times usually relating to different stimuli, as far as I can tell atleast... wich is frankly how I am.

When I'm around girls I'm agirl, when I'm around guys I'm a guy, when I'm alone I'm a steady mix.

Hope we can figure this out

~M+M

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

Wow, they're even concerned as to why you made your own email address? Its lame that they are so controlling, I do hope you are able to move out for your university years. That's what my brother and I did and it was great. Actually was a crushing blow to have to be back in their household for the past 3 months. I don't really resent my parents or anything, I'm just sick of the situation of living with parents, unfortunately for me I didn't really begin to question things while I was out on my own, rather I begun a few weeks before I had to move back with my parents. I think you should definitely push to live on your own during school and take that time to figure stuff out about yourself. I don't know about the feasibility of arranging therapy while at university but most colleges I know of have support/awareness groups for LGBT issues looking into groups like that won't replace a need for therapy but it could help.

Good luck. :)

I just learned something that is interesting and amazing. When I told a Child Youth Worker at my highschool about my concerns regarding my gender identity she gave me a list of resources. There is something called the 519 community centre in Toronto that provides walk-in workshops and support meetings. There are also volunteers that offer therapy. I think I should be skeptical about this but the volunteers provide six free sessions to each person and then help them search for affordable therapists once the six sessions are up. If these people are qualified and this really is a charitable cause and not a scam (there may be more to it) than it would make it possible to obtain therapy during university because the university I plan to attend is in the same city. There is an estimated 1-2 month wait time which is understandable if they offer free therapy but I think I should find out more to make sure I am not getting myself into trouble. I do not think Ms. Bennett would lead me into a scam and if this really is a community program then I am very lucky to be born in a suburb so close to Toronto. I am glad that it may actually be feasible to obtain therapy while at university and if this is a legitimate organization then I have something really special to look forward to when I go to university. There is also a transgender group listed in my university's club booklet and it may also be helpful to obtain membership there. I look forward to the freedom of living outside of my parents' watch and there are many things that can be done once I begin life in residence.

Link to comment
Guest SuperKali

I had similar feelings my whole life. But I will add that video games is SO not a male only thing. I play my xbox every night with lots of other girls. :P We all play things like Halo and Fable and Left 4 Dead and Call of Duty. There is nothing wrong with being female and enjoying shooting some guys avatar in the face.

Not to mention boys secretly love getting their butts handed to them by a girl. ;)

However, in the end the big question here is yours alone to answer. For me I started seeing a therapist because it was clear what I needed to do.

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

I had similar feelings my whole life. But I will add that video games is SO not a male only thing. I play my xbox every night with lots of other girls. :P We all play things like Halo and Fable and Left 4 Dead and Call of Duty. There is nothing wrong with being female and enjoying shooting some guys avatar in the face.

Not to mention boys secretly love getting their butts handed to them by a girl. ;)

However, in the end the big question here is yours alone to answer. For me I started seeing a therapist because it was clear what I needed to do.

I have seen girls online and what I do not like is when they make a fuss over being girls in their bios. I can understand that if there are a lot of guys who are dumb enough to send a message asking such a question then it may become annoying in which case there is nothing wrong with answering in your bio but to me it is like bragging and teasing me about not being the gender I desire to be. Whenever I hear someone complaining or making a fuss about being a girl it touches me because I know that it is something I would not take for granted. I do not attempt to criticize people for doing such things and I support them completely but I just have to emphasize that it evokes a different reaction in me. When girls complain about being girls it hurts me because I know that I would rather be a girl than a boy.

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

Androgynous Or Transgender? That's something that keeps creeping into my mind too, well not exactly, guess for me it would be Androgynous or Transgender or Bisexual just repressed in a weird way. dry.gif You're post hits a lot of things that are in common with me too. I grew up with mostly female friends and some things about male culture never really clicked with me. I know I used to watch Sailor Moon as well, and the Care Bears too I believe but I also enjoyed He-Man and the Powerrangers. I never was really big on FPS games though. I much prefer RPG, action/adventure games, or a good platformer. I have also generally tended to put others before myself sometimes even to my detriment. I'm not really sure where I fit in the whole spectrum and that is really what is bugging me. As inaccurate as labels can be sometimes if I had one that was a really great fit in this case I'd be happy. I'm hoping therapy can help me with that.

As far as advice goes, being weary of involving your parents is a good idea. I tried that and well it just ended up bad. I was able to smooth things over, but not in a good fashion and that might come back to hurt me later on. If you need to actually meet with someone in person about this I'd say look for a therapist. So far all I've done is call one but that was a big step and it made me realize just how much of an importance resource they are. Don't get me wrong, parents are great, but they will always be your parents. They cannot have the same impartiality as a therapist. Aside from that, try doing some girly things if you can. I've been experimenting with some minor cross-dressing and with nail polish and have been enjoying both. Though its interesting, since finding this site my dressing has decreased a lot. I expect it to shoot up when I start living on my own though. I'll probably set aside a day to live in my apartment in girl mode and see what that does for me.

Now that someone has actually brought up video games again (thanks SuperKali) I would like to point out that I secretly enjoy RPGs but I am too timid to admit that to my brothers who are constantly teasing me about my interests. There are a few popular RPG games on the console like final fantasy that I would like to try but many are only available on the pc. I am too self-conscious to buy an RPG right now when my brothers will be on me for years (It will end when I go to university before it ends because they have had enough). The one time I bought an RPG for the console was a result of a misunderstanding. I went to buy game that was sold out and I was pointed to another one and without checking the back of the case to try and get an idea of the genre (I was younger and it was described to me by an uninformed clerk that thought it was something else) I decided I would take that one instead. It was Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic and you would expect it to be a poor quality game trying to rip off a successful franchise but it was not actually that bad. It was a pretty good game and while it was RPG style I would like to try a more "classic" RPG. I know this is getting a bit long and off topic but the point is I enjoy other styles of games besides first person shooters I just don't admit it to too many people.

A more related topic is your mention of cross-dressing. I have experimented with cross-dressing when given the opportunity (usually when nobody is home) and the one thing I would like is more time. To avoid getting caught I have to be quick and there is not much time to try different outfits on. I have to decide right away what cloths I think are going to fit properly and if they don't feel quite right than I am stuck because I need time to get comfortable and enjoy it. I also want to make sure the cloths look nice together and I am not throwing on random garments (it should look proper). Regarding nail polish, I do not think I would have time to get it on and off before anyone notices. I know that several coats are supposed to be applied and that each coat has to dry before the next one is applied so it would be very time consuming. Many women also apply top coats of a special substance to make the polish last longer but I would be taking it off after thirty minutes to an hour anyway (I do not want to get caught). I forget because I need to reread the instructional page I found but I think a base coat is also used. I looked it up briefly but I quickly realized it would take too long and I would surely get caught. I would also have a high risk of getting caught if I used make-up (not to mention I would need to look into its proper application). With nobody to teach me anything, I have to rely on the internet to learn such things anyway. There was one day (and then others to follow) when I took two undergarments that I could hide and wore them to school under my uniform. :lol::blush: I hid the bottom part of the stockings by putting socks over them and I hid the rest under my pant legs. I hid panties under my pants instead of underwear as well. It was a great day and not only did I get to wear women's clothing unnoticed but I also got the pleasure of knowing everyone else was oblivious. It was a fun secret and I might do it again. There is so much more I could do if I had more privacy. I could grow my hair long and get my ears pierced so I could wear earings. I could wear make-up, nail polish and other accessories to dress up completely down to the very last detail. I have also daydrempt about spending an entire day (one of my days at home) once I am on my own carrying out my daily activities and chores completely dressed as a woman. I even thought about going out to run errands but I might want to enjoy some house days first. It would be nice to carry out life in girl-mode but I am a bit limited until I either come up with the courage to face my parents or leave the house. I may have to wait for the second possibility but I look forward to it.

Link to comment
Guest SuperKali

I know what you mean. The group I play with seems to be *mostly* content with letting our avatars express that for us. For example my bio just has a bunch of quotes from songs or games I liked. I'm not the only mtf in the group, but there are definitely genetic girls too. I try not to add people if they are overly expressive of their gender like it doesn't matter.

Link to comment
I know that several coats are supposed to be applied and that each coat has to dry before the next one is applied so it would be very time consuming. Many women also apply top coats of a special substance to make the polish last longer but I would be taking it off after thirty minutes to an hour anyway (I do not want to get caught). I forget because I need to reread the instructional page I found but I think a base coat is also used. I looked it up briefly but I quickly realized it would take too long and I would surely get caught.

Yup, it takes a loooooonnnnnnggggggg time even if you end up doing a bad job of it as I did the first time. You get a clear undercoat, let that dry, apply a layer of color over it, let that dry, apply second layer of color, let it dry, and then its top coat time! Being pretty takes forever... BUT I WANTS IT! ^_^ You might be able to to get away with a clear coat on your fingernails, I have so far... ultimate test will be tomorrow when my parents visit. Good thing about the clear coat is that unless under extreme light it isn't OMG SUPER CRAZILY SPARKLY! and there are dietary reasons to have shinny nails so there is an out. :P

If you can find the time paint your toenails and just wear socks around your family, they don't have to know. :P And polish is some darn resilient stuff my toe paint job is a week and a day old now and only slightly less shinny then at the time of application! I am kind of getting tired of red though. I think soon it might be blue time! Then maybe black or white.

I also can't to make-up yet... its a total black box to me. I do have some artistic sense from my drawing days so color and stuff probably won't be too difficult for me to get down but proper application is unknown to me and the fear of sticking things near my eyes will make things... interesting. :lol: I also have to get the monies and courage to get some. <_<

And more classic RPGs you say? Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne for the ps2. Its between that a handful of strategy RPGs made my Nippon Ichi, and The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time as to what my favorite video game is. But Nocturne is great because its classical in that the story really only sets things up then it is kind of up to you what your character does in that frame work. Plus you have to recruit your own party members... er... it is kind of like post-apocalyptic demonic poke`mon. :lol: But it is great! Just will be very hard to find since it is more of a cult classic.

Whew, now back on topic! Androgynous Or Transgender? I've had a thought about that today. I think since I fit more of the model of secondary transsexualism than anything else that I do identify at a certain level with femininity but since society socializes us to our bodies and not our minds I have become somewhat androgynified by that process. Sort of swallowed the pills of society gave me in terms of being male and as an end result I feel like a mix of the two but want to be female.

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

Yup, it takes a loooooonnnnnnggggggg time even if you end up doing a bad job of it as I did the first time. You get a clear undercoat, let that dry, apply a layer of color over it, let that dry, apply second layer of color, let it dry, and then its top coat time! Being pretty takes forever... BUT I WANTS IT! ^_^ You might be able to to get away with a clear coat on your fingernails, I have so far... ultimate test will be tomorrow when my parents visit. Good thing about the clear coat is that unless under extreme light it isn't OMG SUPER CRAZILY SPARKLY! and there are dietary reasons to have shinny nails so there is an out. :P

If you can find the time paint your toenails and just wear socks around your family, they don't have to know. :P And polish is some darn resilient stuff my toe paint job is a week and a day old now and only slightly less shinny then at the time of application! I am kind of getting tired of red though. I think soon it might be blue time! Then maybe black or white.

I also can't to make-up yet... its a total black box to me. I do have some artistic sense from my drawing days so color and stuff probably won't be too difficult for me to get down but proper application is unknown to me and the fear of sticking things near my eyes will make things... interesting. :lol: I also have to get the monies and courage to get some. dry.gif

And more classic RPGs you say? Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne for the ps2. Its between that a handful of strategy RPGs made my Nippon Ichi, and The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time as to what my favorite video game is. But Nocturne is great because its classical in that the story really only sets things up then it is kind of up to you what your character does in that frame work. Plus you have to recruit your own party members... er... it is kind of like post-apocalyptic demonic poke`mon. :lol: But it is great! Just will be very hard to find since it is more of a cult classic.

Whew, now back on topic! Androgynous Or Transgender? I've had a thought about that today. I think since I fit more of the model of secondary transsexualism than anything else that I do identify at a certain level with femininity but since society socializes us to our bodies and not our minds I have become somewhat androgynified by that process. Sort of swallowed the pills of society gave me in terms of being male and as an end result I feel like a mix of the two but want to be female.

You have said a lot so I'll reply to everything step by step. I realize I am about to say more and I apologize for the long reply.

First things first, the nail polish. I like your suggestion about painting the toenails and wearing socks. I also like the idea of just using a clear coat and it definitely would be easier to do it slowly and subtly. I think I'll start with a clear coat on the hidden toenails in case I get caught with no socks in the bathroom. Sometimes when I have a towl to keep me modest and I am just out of the shower people knock on the door because they need something. I could pass it to them but I would still need to open the door. It would be difficult to do it during the summer because we usually go on vacation and a day with a lot of sunlight and absolutely no justification for wearing socks would be a disaster waiting to happen. After that I would try to do the same to my fingernails and then if I get away with that I would add color to my toenails and continue to hide them. I still would like more information on the dietary benefits of shiny nails.

Regarding make-up, I have imagined what it would be like to go to the store and purchase some. I have also imagined how awkward it would be to go as far as booking a consultation. It would definitely be beneficial to get some personal help instead of trying to figure it out by obtaining instructions from the internet.

I also notice you mentioned Orcarina of Time and I have to point out that I have played it. In grade eight of elementary school I was worried people may think I needed to grow up if I tried to obtain it but I found out that a friend had the collector's edition for the gamecube and that he still played The Legend of Zelda so I worked up the confidence to try and obtain a copy for my nintendo sixty-four (I didn't think I could get the collector's edition so I didn't bother). It is kind of funny but also kind of telling that I found that to be a very emotional game even though it does not make effective attempts to evoke such emotions. It seems silly but I thought about Link's experience and I sympathized with him. He grows up in a nurturing environment with an entire family and when he finally realizes who he is he is alone. He becomes a complete outcast and is forced to wander a world he has no place in attempting to save it. Can you imagine the loneliness of being torn from your family and almost stripped of the will to live? The ending doesn't help either. I know you are aware of the story but it seems almost like a life of futility to wander alone fighting to accomplish a task and when it is all over you are sent back to live in an eternal loop of loneliness and pain. To have no hope to an end and no hope of death would be just pitiful. I guess I am a little too sensitive and I think and get involved too much but the good thing about it is that sensitivity is supposed to be feminine and it is clear that I have strong emotions.

I think I might try to find an emulator of nocturne considering it would be so hard to obtain a copy. An emulator would not only be easy to obtain but it would be easy to hide. It sounds like a great game with a lot of replay value I am worried I may not be able to put it down.

Now to the question that started this topic. The one thing I know for certain is that I have a strong desire to be female. I notice a lot of feminine qualities when I analyze myself but the occasional masculine qualities bother me. I realize I have also swallowed the metaphorical pill but there are a couple of genuine qualities.

What bothers me the most is my apparent aspergers. It seems a little more mild than most cases and I think the symptoms are actually symptoms of ADD which I have also been diagnosed with. I can read facial expressions a lot more easily than most people with aspergers but because of my ADD I am often just not paying attention. I can think in metaphorical and symbolic ways and I do just as well in english as I do in math but there are some instances in which I am a bit slow. Occasionally I will take a second or two to pick up on something but I will never be oblivious forever. I know that tests can be unreliable but I took the SAGE test and the section that involves ten facial photos of real people was interesting. There are four words to choose from and one is the most accurate description of the person's feelings. Even with aspergers I scored the woman's average which was revealed at the end to be seven out of ten (apparently even the woman's average involved three incorrect guesses). There is a high school program for students with aspergers that I am currently a part of and I do seem to be developing my social skills more quickly than most people but I still believe I really do have ADD. I can pay a lot of attention to detail at times but I am often lost in thought. My greatest fear is that I may be just imagining things and that it may be a product of some of the disorders I have and I would be devastated if that turns out to be the case. If aspergers syndrome becomes a roadblock and I am forced to live my entire life with unfulfilled desires that can only grow and grow as time grows on I do not know what I would do. When I think about how miserable I would be with an empty life in which I work and I work, earning dollar after dollar while being unable to buy what I really want I realize that I am currently being supported by an unstable and pathetic tripod. Three things are keeping me going. The one I just mentioned is the hope of one day fulfilling my dreams and the second is the knowledge that I will always be able to distract myself. Distracting myself with wealth would not get me through the agony of each hour if I did not have hope and the only thing left would be the belief that suicide is a mortal sin. If I had no hope I would spend the next sixty-seventy years waiting for death and attempting to distract myself. I would not know how to cope. Remove one of the legs and I could become the leaning tower of Pisa. I would be absolutely devestated if aspergers meant that my yearning to be female was not transgenderism and that it had to be endured for the rest of my life. This one detail is making things so much more complicated and it is tormenting to think about.

I can't believe how long this reply is but I had a lot to say and I am finally finished. Sorry for the lengthly reply.

Link to comment
I also notice you mentioned Orcarina of Time and I have to point out that I have played it. In grade eight of elementary school I was worried people may think I needed to grow up if I tried to obtain it but I found out that a friend had the collector's edition for the gamecube and that he still played The Legend of Zelda so I worked up the confidence to try and obtain a copy for my nintendo sixty-four (I didn't think I could get the collector's edition so I didn't bother). It is kind of funny but also kind of telling that I found that to be a very emotional game even though it does not make effective attempts to evoke such emotions. It seems silly but I thought about Link's experience and I sympathized with him. He grows up in a nurturing environment with an entire family and when he finally realizes who he is he is alone. He becomes a complete outcast and is forced to wander a world he has no place in attempting to save it. Can you imagine the loneliness of being torn from your family and almost stripped of the will to live? The ending doesn't help either. I know you are aware of the story but it seems almost like a life of futility to wander alone fighting to accomplish a task and when it is all over you are sent back to live in an eternal loop of loneliness and pain. To have no hope to an end and no hope of death would be just pitiful. I guess I am a little too sensitive and I think and get involved too much but the good thing about it is that sensitivity is supposed to be feminine and it is clear that I have strong emotions.

Oh my! I never really thought of it like that! Kind of sad... but its a good interpretation!

I also have the fear of being barred from transition for some reason. Of finding out I'm some kind of gender fetishist or something. I really don't think that's the case but I need to be sure.

And you're right Nocturne does have a lot of replay value. There's around 8 endings I believe, but one of them where you get to fight the real end boss. I have seen two of the endings I should go and play through it again.

Good luck with the polish, but be careful. Once I started I can't stop. :lol:

Link to comment
Guest sleeping chrysalid

It is too bad this didn't happen earlier because this topic is dying but I had another flashback moment. This memory is different from a list of many others I can come up with it because it was the first time I can remember my thoughts and not just my actions. I mentioned before that I used to watch sailor moon in my early childhood/toddler years. When thinking about that I remember my thoughts when watching a scene in what I think was (I can not remember) one of the sailor moon movies. I remember looking at Sailor Moon's strong and graceful walk. The scene took place on an asteroid heading for earth with evil and corrupt flowers on it (I can not remember much of the movie and there are only flashes so forgive me if I am not using the name given to the plants). When I saw the graceful walking stance used I thought for a second, "I think I would like to walk in a similar manner". It is kind of funny that I interpretted that as a hero's walk and not the walk of a strong yet beautiful woman but as a result of the misinterpretation I thought I wasn't good enough to do it anyway and that I would be boastful to walk in that manner. I realize now that if I had walked that way I would have not looked like I thought I was better than I was but I would have looked strange walking in such a manner that was clearly not masculine but it is funny how I noticed the exagerated walking pattern and wanted to imitate it without knowing what it really meant. This was before or during pre-school (I can not remember) and I would have guessed my thoughts would have been less clear than they are now because of a lack of understanding but I seemed to desire what was considered a feminine trait. I have had other flashbacks of doing girly things but this is the first memory of a thought that is even close to transgender. I wanted to be feminine in that one way and I probably had a desire to be female in other situations but my memory is hazy. I am not sure if anyone is still paying attention to this topic but this is an interesting revelation. I can now honestly say that even in my earliest years of life there was always some kind of desire to be feminine. Before I thought there was but could not recall a specific time to support that belief. I am glad I have had this epiphany and it helps answer some of my questions.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 124 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Mmindy
    • Charlize
    • Maddee
    • KymmieL
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...