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Guest LittleKaitlyn

Alice's Story *graphic And Triggering*

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I need to get my story out there. I need to say what happened to me. It will hopefully do me alot of good. I know I'm weak, bad and dirty. These things I was told during the periods of abuse.

The following material may be graphic and triggering.

I was first hurt when I was 3, though I have nearly no memories of it. I have Dissociate Identity Disorder and a few of my alters have memories from it... I know it was by the husband of a childminder I was being looked after by. I don't remember much other than physical abuse and being terrified of him.

I have a vague feeling or memory I was hurt aged 7, though I don't remember who or why or how or when...

Next I was 11 years old, in my first year of high school. I had no friends and was being bullied. I started to go to a LAN gaming place to escape. I met a guy there, he became my best friend. He was 21.

It got to the point where he was possessive and controlling over me. Every day after school he had me to go see him and every day I wasn't at school I was at his house. I trusted him.

One day I was at his, he worked at a youth club and wanted me to go. I didn't want to go. He lashed out at me and split my lip.

After much apologising I forgave him. The next day he started to touch me sexually, sliding his hand down my pants. He'd finger my anus too. It hurt when he did that but he said that's what friends do. I believed him.

A few weeks of this passed, either domestic violence or the touching.

One day he stood up, and took off his pants. I wondered what he was doing and he grabbed me and forced me to my knees. He asked me to lick it. I didn't want to but he finally talked me into it. Then he asked me to put it in my mouth. This i refused outright. After a while of failing to persuade me to do it willingly, he grabbed my jaw, forced my mouth open and shoved it as far inside as he could, holding my mouth open to stop me from biting down. I ended up choking and passing out. I woke up with him still inside my mouth and not so deep. He forced me to give him oral sex.

He apologised. I forgave him.

Things didn't change. He started to do this regularly. Times when I resisted he'd "punish" me by doing various things to play on my fears. I'm chlostrophobic so he'd lock me in a cupboard for hours on end, until he wanted me.

He r*ped me in the woods behind his house. This became the norm. Be it in his house, in his room, in the back room of a shop he worked in part time, in the woods, on top of a multistory car-park etc.

I was restrained a few times, r*ped by both his friend and him at the same time.

I eventually gave up on our friendship, got over my fear of him and reported him to the police. Didn't even go to court. He was let off with a warning. Didn't even lose his job as a youth worker.

I was only 11.

Next I was 14. My (ex) boyfriend forced me to give him oral sex, at knifepoint, and made me swallow.

Next, about two months ago. I came out as a girl to the same ex boyfriend who forced me to give him oral. He did the same again, and r*ped me afterwards. He told me that if I'm a girl I should be treated as a woman, and get everything I deserve to being "a pathetic very *friendly* person". I think because he's gay and I'm a girl... he couldn't accept the change.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to rant about it... get it out there somewhere. >.<

Sorry sorry. Don't hate me for it. I know I'm dirty and bad and weak...

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Alice,

First you're not the one who is dirty, bad, or weak. You're alive. Goddess knows I wouldn't be if I had your story so you're stronger than me. Rape is NEVER the fault of the victim. It's not your fault. Your past is tragic and the first part of dealing with it is realizing that it wasn't your fault.

Stay strong, and be wary but don't give up on yourself or people. I hope your future is brighter than your past.

Jenth

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Alice,

You are NOT dirty and bad, dirty and bad things happened to you. You didn't do them, they were done to you.

You are certainly not weak, you survived, you showed enormous strength.

I am glad you felt safe enough to share this with us and that you have had the chance to get it out.

Guess what, we still love you. You are still welcome here. That ugly monster is not as terrible as it seemed at first. Granted it is an ugly and painful experiene to have to deal with, but is does not have to define the rest of your life.

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I agree! You are not any of the things your various abusers said to you. It took great strength for you to tell the police the first time and I am so sorry that the results were so poor for you. Your personality disorder is concerning for me. Are you getting any kind of treatment for it? With the kind of violence that has been perpetrated against you, you are a survivor. I want you to know that you are worthy of real love and real love is none of what you have been exposed to in your relationships. I am happy that you have decided to speak out about it here. It was a very brave thing for you to do. It is a start for you to take back your body and your control over it. If you ever want to PM me I would love to be able to help you get beyond this and to live the life that you deserve and where you in control.

Huggs

Emily

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In Florida, and I believe most states, there is no statute of limitations on sex charges with a minor. I don't know about the UK, but the behavior you describe could land the adult in prison for decades here in the United States. Here in the USA, even if you were at times a willing participant, the adult is guilty of major crimes. The nonconsensual nature you describe could put someone away for life. While it would possibly be an ordeal to go through, by reporting him you may save another young confused person from having to go through what you did. You might want to discuss this with parents, pastor or law enforcement as well as venting here.

Best wishes

Michelle

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*curls up tight into a ball* scary to talk about it.

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That... That is terrifying. Unbelievably abhorrent. What kind of freak would do that to an innocent, confused child? The fact that it happened multiple times with multiple people makes it all the worse. I think I'm going to be sick. Swift justice need to be brought to these perverts; this will not stand. You must understand that this is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. This is the fault of the world. You are NOT weak. You are NOT bad. You are NOT dirty. Stop blaming yourself; it only makes things worse. You are a beautiful person who was manipulated by some very horrible people. It is good that you opened up and talked about this, because you can recover from this trauma. If you remember who these people were, it would be best to report them to the proper authorities, but if you are still uncomfortable talking about it, then take your time, but I strongly recommend doing so. If they are not stopped, they might try it again, and this would continue. But, always remember, it's not your fault. You are a wonderful woman who deserves so much better than this. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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you are not a victim you are a surviver you survived what most dont, your are so much stronger now

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