How Soon Should You Know?

[Guest Archie]

Hey there, just another something that's messing with my brain a little.

I've been watching heaps of FTM transition videos on youtube lately, and I've noticed most of these guys express a feeling of having "always known." Or rather, always known that something was there, always knowing that something was different, and looking back now... seeing signs very far back that this is who they were and are.

I'm not feeling that so much. Well, I'm 18 years old and have only been questioning my gender for about a month. The fact that I was able to be happy in a female body for 17 years... does that not seem like a sign I can stay as I am? Up until late last year, I wasn't aware just what was possible with T. I'd never once seen a FTM transitioned (not one I was aware of anyway,) and I wasn't aware that bottom surgery wasn't mandatory. Perhaps these things made the change? When I first saw transitions on youtube, I remember thinking "wow, that's really interesting" but not for one second thinking it was for me.

If I look at this in a different way, I could interpret the last few years of my life as I was "easing myself into it." Since I was about 11, I've wanted to buy male clothes. When I got to puberty, I dressed more like a girl because... I was at an all girls school and suddenly everyone was trying to get boyfriends and wanting to look pretty and it just felt like the thing to do. Since then I have been yo-yo-ing between male and female clothes. Sometimes I felt like I had to force myself back to female clothes... more so recently. I'd go shopping and say "no, you're not looking at guys clothes" and find it really hard. I guess I thought this was because... I was feeling concerned I looked too androgynous, and that wasn't something I wanted.

I really don't know the reasons behind all my actions... but I'm just wondering... for any of you out there... do you think 18 is too late to realize? Or should I say, begin to question?

Another thing I figured is that before I knew more about transitioning... ignorance was bliss. And I can't get ignorance back. So I really have to consider this.

I also realized transitioning is more common than I thought. Now that youtube and the internet is here, I have the opportunity to hear about all these cases. Without knowing that, maybe I would've never started questioning my gender or ever had the courage to transition.

Oh and, another thing I should mention... I've been out as a lesbian for 2 years. I've always liked girls. Could this be seen as a small step to realising?

I really am interpreting my past in favor of being transgender. Maybe because that's what my heart's feeling right now. I imagine if I feel some certainty about it it could be exciting and... comforting. But I also really don't want to force myself into believing I'm transgender when maybe I'm not.

PLEASE, any thoughts? Any similar experiences? Advice?

Thank you all in advance

[JJ]

There are no rules and no one way or age Archie. I just found out about transmen really last May. I did always feel that I had a man's mind in a woman's body but I didn't know what that really meant. I was raised to be a woman, socialized to be a woman and tried my best to be one. I am not butch and am not lesbian. I'm a straight man. Which had confused me no end for a long time. I secretly knew inside I was a man and asked myself if I was lesbian. Would have been fine with me. But I just wasn't. Neither am I attracted to men except as a "wanna be" longing that can be a powerful but non sexual attraction. Your sexual orientation and your gender identity are two separate things. We have people here from every imaginable combination on the spectrum

But in spite of the fact that I am absolutely certain I am a man with near classic signs from early chldhood, I still have moments of conflict and doubt. Socialization and social pressure are massive forces.

You are young. And questioning many things as is natural at your age. Just discovering who you are as an adult. It is not unnatural or unusual to come to the realization that you are trans at your age. We FtMs have it easier and harder that way. We don't have to hide to dress as we feel. We can meet our gender expression needs easier as children and teens. But that also makes it harder for us to recognize what we feel in some cases. Some of us are driven to reject anything female. Others are just unhappy with it. This isn't an either or thing. It's a broad spectrum.

My recommendation is to see a gender therapist. I stress gender because they are trained in gender issues which cause things that can easily be misdiagnosed by a regular therapist. A gender therapist won't tell you what you are or what you should do but they will help guide you to discovering that for yourself. They will know the difficulties and pitfalls. i have seen regular therapists work out, but very seldom. I have seen them do a lot of harm at worst and be useless at best in the vast majority of cases.

You will figure out who you are. Don't worry about when it happened, just about where you are now.

[Carolyn Marie]

Archie, John's reply to you was spot on. I agree completely.

It's true that many transfolk start feeling different at an early age, but not all by any means.

There are a lot of variations on the theme of transsexualism. For instance, many teens on this forum have severe dysphoria, to the degree that they get depressed and even suicidal over the prospect of living another month as the wrong gender. That never happened to me. I never hated my body as a child nor was I ever severely depressed over it. Does that make me less trans? No, it doesn't, and I have indeed begun my transition at the ripe old age of 56.

Take John's advice, and see a gender therapist. They will help you figure things out, so you end up on the right path, whatever that path happens to be.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sam_P]

John's advice is definitely sound. There's no one way to be trans. If being male is the way you feel comfortable at the end of the day then that's what you are. If you change your mind along the way, so be it. Just find the 'you' that you're happy with.

[Guest mary/jason]

dude im in the same boat. i didnt even consider being male until about 6 months ago, even then i sort of eased myself into it saying i might be bigender or androgynous. and you're right ignorance is bliss, i didnt necessarily have a problem with being a girl before and (to some extent) wore feminine clothes but ever since i had that "ah-ha" moment i cant wear a normal bra or skirt without feeling like im gonna suffocate and die. it doesnt matter how you felt before, but how you feel now. now, after a couple months of working stuff out and finding a therapist im out to my ex gf and some lgbt allys at my school. you sort of just have to give it time, youll know whats right when you get there.

good luck dude!

madison

[Guest Blindheart]

i was almost 20 before i started to figure out i should have been a girl. It wasn't something that just popped in my head out of thin air, but i had never really thought about it either. up until then my gender did not bother me much, or rather i did not think much about gender at all. i have never been interested in sports, or any common boy activity, but i never expressed any interest in girl things either. (not consciously anyway) I secretly admired cheerleaders and the dance team and figure skaters on TV. i thought it was just natural boy liking girl feelings. it never occurred to me at the time that i wanted to actually be one of them. I grew my hair out in high school but i could never give anyone a good explanation why. i routinely objected to things that girls got to do/or not do that boys could or could not, like having long hair or the selective service card or wearing pajama pants to school, etc.

looking back on what i remember from my youth, it was painfully obvious that i was trans. But at the time it was just painfully obvious i was going through puberty and i just didn't know what i was supposed to feel. even after figuring out the truth around 20, i dismissed it and tried to live that other life. it took me another 5 years before i finally gave up and started to figure myself out.

So ya, knowing at an early age is not always a sign. it just means, to me anyway, that you were not forced into a strict gender role or just did not have any exposure to the opposite sex that would make those feeling present themselves.

[Guest mary/jason]

So ya, knowing at an early age is not always a sign. it just means, to me anyway, that you were not forced into a strict gender role or just did not have any exposure to the opposite sex that would make those feeling present themselves.

tacking onto what blindheart said, i grew up the oldest of 3 sisters mowing the lawn and doing yard work, no brothers. so the whole strictness of gender roles and exposure to the opposite sex is actually a really good point. its my life to a tee so maybe its just the circumstances of your upbringing.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

John nailed it. There is also the fact that everything suddenly makes sense sometimes - and that may be years later. You FEEL as if you have always known, but it wasn't necessarily clear at the time.

Lizzy

[Guest Archie]

John nailed it. There is also the fact that everything suddenly makes sense sometimes - and that may be years later. You FEEL as if you have always known, but it wasn't necessarily clear at the time.

Lizzy

Exactly. I can think of things that do sort of make sense... like I distinctly remember saying to my friend in primary school "Do you ever think about if you'd rather be a boy?" Or something like that. I guess I figured it was just natural child curiosity... I mean, you question EVERYTHING at that age. I also remember, my older brother was sitting outside shirtless in the sun once, and I told my mum I was going to do the same and join him (I might have been about 5 years old). She got quite worked up by it and said "girls don't do that" and I didn't get why and I said "I want to do it anyway" and she wasn't too keen. Again, I figured I was just being a kid. And both of those things could be right.

Next time I see my regular therapist I will ask if she knows how I could find a gender therapist. It does seem the thing to do.

Also, because people were talking about family... I have 3 brothers, and 2 sisters. So we've always been even on both sides. Having brothers around has always sort of given me something to look at and consider being like them. Which dates back a long time. I remember wishing I could choose their clothes because they didn't seem to care... but I guess I wanted to put my style on them, because I didn't have the male body to put it on myself.

So it could date back... I could only be thinking about it now because maybe I just want to cross-dress or be androgynous. Maybe it's not a full on "I'm a man" thing. I really don't know. My phobia makes it hard to know if I've dug up everything that's down there. My guess is not. So we shall see.

As always,

[Guest Orva26]

Archie,

If I were to reply to each point in your post I probably wouldn't get around to doing anything else tonight.

Another thing I figured is that before I knew more about transitioning... ignorance was bliss. And I can't get ignorance back. So I really have to consider this.

I've actually known about transitioning and thought it was interesting for a while in detail, around 6 years now. Just never thought it was for me as you said. Instead I took a dive into the world of TG erotica for around five years... that might have been my easing myself into it. Then when I both begun cross-dressing and realized it is feasible for me, financially, and that I don't have to fit the archetype of "I'M A GIRL IN A BOY'S BODY!" to achieve it a switch went off in my brain and my world view is shifting. And I can't get it back to the old way.

I probably haven't watched as many transition videos as you have because now a days it is a 50/50 chance that doing so with make me strongly emotional and hopeful or cause rage at myself for not knowing absolutely that that is what I wish for myself as well.

So it could date back... I could only be thinking about it now because maybe I just want to cross-dress or be androgynous. Maybe it's not a full on "I'm a man" thing. I really don't know.

Pretty much the same thing I've got going on here but you'd have to rephrase it to "I'm a woman" thing. Its pretty cloudy to me but I think I may know a direction I want to go and that is to make the leap into transitioning. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, the 4 months of intense thought I've put into this is not enough. Gonna go see a therapist and try to sort things out.

It matters not when you realize it but more importantly that whatever you do with that realization is what brings you happiness.

On another note I really like this topic, didn't know the extent that there were other users with similar experiences.

-Orva

[Guest Timothy]

As it's already been said, there really isn't any "right" age to realize. You can realize whenever.

Myself, I didn't really realize until fairly recently.

I spent my childhood being lonely because I was uninterested in girl games, and yet the boys wouldn't play with me. I tried to do whatever my little brother could- I had this "if he can do it, then I should be able to do it too" mindset. I read his comic books when he wasn't around and played with his toys, but was afraid to ask for some of my own.

But, earlier, when I was really young, I only wore dresses (they were comfortable and I was afraid of trying something new) before I switched to only wearing pants. I looked girly-ish because my mom picked out my clothes. In middle school, when I entered an all-girls school, I really wanted super short hair but my friends discouraged me. I started picking out my own clothes and went with black jacket, simple 1-colored shirt and black pants. I rejected anything girly and claimed I was allergic to pink(Ahahah, I still do) Then there were the years everyone went through puberty and I was miserable. I was also a hippie (lol I wore only those 1-colored shirts and some sweats and had longish hair I didn't really brush and put in a low ponytail all the time.) Then I restarted wearing the clothes my mom bought for me even though I didn't really like them. In high school, at about age 14 I started questioning my gender, realized there was no way I was a girl, but wasn't sure I was a guy either. I thought I was pangender/ androgynous for one and a half to two years (I don't really remember.) Then I realized I was transgender at 16. So, you don't really have to figure it out at a certain age for it to be true.

Ahahah, look at me blabber on and on about myself. I'm tempted to delete all that except the last sentence, but whatever.

[Guest SidESlicker]

There's no age that you really know...

Everyone is different when it comes to discovering who they are, and how they want to present that to the world. Besides, at eighteen, I think that gender questioning is really healthy.

However, I think you should research a lot of what gender means to you. Just because you don't feel like a girl, that doesn't make you a man. Don't assume your gender through a process of elimination.

The trans community is huge, and while here are a lot of resources and helpful tools in identifying as MtF, or FtM, there's not quite as much acknowledgment into identifying as androgynous, or bi gendered, or hell, even identifying as a butch woman.

As for identifying as a lesbian... Christ no. While the two communities hold hands, they're pretty different. Realizing that you enjoy bumping pussies doesn't mean squat about your gender.

If you were straight, would you be any less of a man? If you do wind up identifying as a trans man, are you going to feel like less of a man if you're a gay man or straight man? Or hell, even just identifying as a queer man?

So no, identifying as a lesbian isn't a step towards becoming trans. It is a step towards self reflection and gives you an in on checking out the queer community and MASSIVE amounts of diversity that exists there.

Take a good look on the inside of you and forget about your past. What does gender mean to you? Does it mean masculinity/femminity? Vagina/Penis? The social expectations that come with people seeing you as man/woman?

You can spend all your time trying to piece together your past and try to rationalize it into a trans identity, or you can forget about the person you were when you were five or ten or whatever age and concentrate on the person you are now and what you want today and what you might want tomorrow.

[Guest Nawat]

/waves

I'm 25. I just got here. I didn't "always know," but looking back it was SO obvious. Plus, it just feels so right. I acted WAY girlie in order to try to "compensate" for the feelings I thought were less than feminine. People here seem pretty cool and worth listening to--just saying

Good luck and see you around!

Nawat