A Question From A Confused Newbie

[Guest Samantha Husky]

I've been doing thinking a lot recently but have yet to arrive at an answer for this....

How do I tell if my crossdressing comfort and enjoyment is more than just a fetish thing? It began as a curiousity, online roleplay etc, then grew into a fetish (one my wife thankfully shares!) and now it's a comfort thing. I just enjoy it, feeling more right.

I tend to alternate, and love being a guy a lot of the time too, so how do I know what I am? Just a CDer, or something more? This feeling has been growing more and more recently, hence my joining here.

Thanks for your time!

Samantha

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am happy you joined anbd that your wife is comfortable with your exploration. I thinkthat just because you are asking the question means you are something more than a CD'er. That is IMHO.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Samantha Husky]

Thanks for the reply! It is similar to what I have thought myself, but a way to be sure would be great.

[Drea]

How do I tell if my crossdressing comfort and enjoyment is more than just a fetish thing? It began as a curiousity, online roleplay etc, then grew into a fetish (one my wife thankfully shares!) and now it's a comfort thing. I just enjoy it, feeling more right.

Sounds like a good healthy fetish. Nothing wrong with that and it sounds like both of you enjoy it.

Just a CDer...

Just a CD? Compared to what? What's wrong with being CD? What makes beind CD less than someting else?

Please don't be feeling like your somehow less. If anything being able to enjoy the fem side of you in a healthy way that you enjoy is a big plus. People who go into some of the extreme treatments hormones and surgery do so because their trans feelings cause them great difficulty.

If you have questions with yourself, that is something only you can answer and is best to be explored with a therapist who can be an objective observer.

Keep in mind that this is a support site so support is given. As such there is a tendency to support and encouragement towards doing more. You will hear many talk of the "exciting" things they have done, but the negatives are often understated. I won't say its all negatives, but going further, if it gets into the areas of hormones or transitioning, what has been working with your wife could radically change.

I suggest you enjoy what you have, don't feel ashemed about that and if you think more, explore those feelings with a therapist.

[Guest ChloëC]

Samantha, my feeling is that as long as you're not harming yourself or anyone else, and if someone else is involved, they accept what you're doing, there is nothing at all wrong with doing what makes you feel good about yourself.

I would guess there is some fetish aspect to being a cross-dresser which is probably standard behavior. I've seen a number of posts here where somebody started out realizing there was some aspects of what they did that could be labeled (which we should never do) as fetish behavior, but slowly learned over a lot of time that there is more about it than just cross dressing.

Thinking about it, it wouldn'e surprise me that when one starts out as a cross-dresser that because we cannot do it 24/7, there is some level of excitement when we can do it. And that takes several forms of behavior. As some people begin to realize that their inner self is more than a crossdresser and start investigating the possibility of transitioning and consider the bigger picture and begin living as the opposite gender, then like everything else (fortunately or unfortunately) it becomes part of your everyday life and probably loses some of its excitement.

It's then when you realize that you're far more comfortable in the role you are living because it matches your inner self. And while playing can still be fun and enjoyable, it may not be the primary reason anymore.

I'm sure there are happily married couples out there that occasionally cross dress or take on opposite roles and get a large amount of enjoyment. I don't think this is odd behavior at all.

As you cross-dress you might want to think about what it does mean to you, and how you are feeling about yourself. And there is a strong possibility you may want to talk to a gender therapist - which we always recommend.

From one admitted cross-dresser (and probably slightly ts person) to another.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Samantha Husky]

Sounds like a good healthy fetish. Nothing wrong with that and it sounds like both of you enjoy it.

Just a CD? Compared to what? What's wrong with being CD? What makes beind CD less than someting else?

Please don't be feeling like your somehow less. If anything being able to enjoy the fem side of you in a healthy way that you enjoy is a big plus. People who go into some of the extreme treatments hormones and surgery do so because their trans feelings cause them great difficulty.

If you have questions with yourself, that is something only you can answer and is best to be explored with a therapist who can be an objective observer.

Keep in mind that this is a support site so support is given. As such there is a tendency to support and encouragement towards doing more. You will hear many talk of the "exciting" things they have done, but the negatives are often understated. I won't say its all negatives, but going further, if it gets into the areas of hormones or transitioning, what has been working with your wife could radically change.

I suggest you enjoy what you have, don't feel ashemed about that and if you think more, explore those feelings with a therapist.

I never suggested CDing is less than anything else - it's more just my mode of speech.

As for the therapy bit, like ChloeC posted after you, I think that is going to be my best bet. I'll likely speak to my wife first about it, though. I at least want her to know what thoughts I have been having rather than keeping them to myself.

[Guest SidESlicker]

Have you looked up what it means to be bi-gendered?

Also, perhapes you're just bored with taking keeping it in the bedroom. If you have a healthy drag community in your area, check that out. Or maybe go for a nice dinner date with your wife to a quiet resturant.

I dont' know how to tell you if you are a CD or something else on the spectrum, but I can tell you to go explore yourself and see where you enjoy being.

[Guest ChloëC]

Samantha,

Let me relate another thought. I've been married going on 33 years. Unfortunately, as I age, I tend to snore. My spouse can be a light sleeper and she wakes too often and then cannot get back to sleep because of the noise. She kicks me, I wake up (enough to remember and become irritated) roll over and the cycle repeats. And, I found that if I come to bed much before 1AM I would wake up about 3-4 am (independent of anything) and not get back to sleep, get up, watch tv, get on here, but I was grumpy about it.

So, for the past several nights, with her approval, I've gone into a spare bedroom, (one of our daughters from years ago), done a little frilly with a single bed. Because of that, I've slipped on a cami, panties, and breast inserts. I've have gone right to sleep, slept soundly, woken up refreshed, and on the 3rd night, I went to bed 1-2 hours early and slept right through. Sure, I consider a fantasy or two as I sink into slumber, but I also wake up feeling, oh, positive, I guess (with everything in place).

Fetish behavior? I don't think so, I don't do anything particular, just stretch, yawn, and snuggle into the pillow a little. I'm fully relaxed, actually quite comfortable (with everything! really) and happy. Will it stay that way? Nope, I'll be back in the conjugal bed shortly, but for a time, things are...right. See? This is exactly how I feel.

I've learned to be comfortable with myself. Since I'm not going to even consider transition, I'm not considering therapy. I know I could have used it around 1965-70, but I doubt if much existed other than Dr. Phil type quacks. I wouldn't have wanted that. Today, there are lots of very well qualified gender therapists, that's why I recommend seeing one. I stumbled around in the dark for years, nobody else should have to.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I think [seeing a therapist]that is going to be my best bet. I'll likely speak to my wife first about it, though. I at least want her to know what thoughts I have been having rather than keeping them to myself.

That's exactly what I would recommend.

I do want to say that I feel Drea is about 90% correct. And she is especially correct, when she cautions to not get caught in any sort of expectations on the 'glamor' of being transsexual - it's hell on wheels!

The only thing I have to say that is different from what she wrote, is I don't agree that some people encourage one thing or another here on Laura's, but I guess it depends on how you look at things. I see us sometimes celebrating our little victories, and we DO try to keep a positive attitude. It ain't all rainbows and puppy dogs, we gender dysphoric are a very self-destructive people. We try to support others here on Laura's, and not get too Pollyanna - but we try not to be too cynical, either.

All I can add, is if you do have feelings, check them out with your therapist. And keep your wife in the loop - be brutally honest if you hope to keep her... AND if you do find you will transition, know that statistically there is very little chance your marriage will survive, just how it is. But some marriage apparently do make it.

Lizzy