Does Anyone Regret Their Srs?

[Guest Roxanne]

Edit/add on (did not see an edit button):

I just wanted to add that this semi confirms my fears that many if not most surgeons do not even want to touch me (risk of lawsuit, they don't understand it, etc). The one surgeon (who does SRS) did not get it AT ALL. He thought it was the equivalent of me wanting to get an eye implanted in the back of my head because it would be useful or getting my hand cut off because I just wanted it. Sigh. I tried to explain it in the sense of... how would it be any different if say I was a non-op (by choice) TS who had FFS and BAS but never wanted SRS but then ummm "lost it" in a car accident. Would he act the same way? That did actually get him to think about it a little bit (I could see the cognitive dissonance in his head) but he still didn't get it. Also he accused me of not being a real TS yet at the same time saying my feelings or regret and depression were not because of my SRS but were because of some other type of psychopathology. For what it's worth, I have seen two gender specialists since my SRS and even taken the MMPI. I'm not crazy! Gah!

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Does Anyone Regret Their Srs?

Gimme a couple of months and I'll answer this....ok?

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Drea]

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Does Anyone Regret Their Srs?

Gimme a couple of months and I'll answer this....ok?

I have little doubt you will be telling everyone how great it is and how great your surgeon is. Such pretty much is the norm after all with few exceptions that aren't necessarily linked to regrets (such as surgical complicatons). You also got that couple or so years of post-op euphoria to look forward to as well.

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Does Anyone Regret Their Srs?

Gimme a couple of months and I'll answer this....ok?

I have little doubt you will be telling everyone how great it is and how great your surgeon is. Such pretty much is the norm after all with few exceptions that aren't necessarily linked to regrets (such as surgical complicatons). You also got that couple or so years of post-op euphoria to look forward to as well.

Oh, you have ":little doubt" of what I will be doing? How astute!

dj

[Guest KimberlyF]

Oh, you have ":little doubt" of what I will be doing? How astute!

dj

I agree.

[Guest Lani]

You may not get responses. This site isn't really populated with a large population ofpost-operative transpeople. There are enough to matter, and bless them for staying with us who are working through a difficult time, the questioning, the discovery, and the transitioning.

BUT those with 'regrets?' I mean SRS is not a magical solution for one's problems, but those with 'regrets' in the way you suggest, would be unlikely to be at a support site. This question should get a response at Susan's Place or at Beginning Life, where there are more post-op people.

My opinion.

Lizzy

I agree with Lizzy..

[Guest Lani]

Roxanne

I feel a bit awkward here, and I thought maybe I shouldn't comment. I try to comment only when I feel I have an insight or two, and in this case, I am a pre-op person among those who have already had surgery - well there are a few pre-op here. I feel like a Junior High School girl, first day at a new High School

But my surgery is in exactly two months. What is being discussed is very much on my mind, as I am asking myself questions to be certain I want to follow through on this major life changing course. So do I have the surgery?

Roxanne - what you wrote - and followed through with more explanation.- is so very very helpful to all of us. I applaud you and I thank you sincerely. I don't want to say or infer anything that would hurt you or impair the strength of the message you gave us = that message that you are at the core, unhappy with your vaginoplasty, and you would reverse it if you could..This message makes me think through everything one more time, to make certain I am doing the right thing -the right thing for me.

I am what I secretly consider a type 4+ on the transsexual scale of 0-5. I do not have a huge body dysphoria condition. I don't HATE my genitalia, I prefer to ignore all my junk because it is that of the wrong sex. I need to explain. In my scale of 0-5, a type 5 is someone who is so gender dysphoric they are almost certain to self mutilate. A type 3 is gender dysphoric but unlikely to ever surgically modify anything (not because they are afraid or cannot afford surgery, but rather surgery is just not important to them). I consider myself a type 4 plus a little bit more - I want and need (in my mind) the surgeries that I consider will make me as close to the woman I was supposed to be born as. A over-generalization of what I am: I am a male bodied woman that wants my body to be as close to female as possible, and that includes surgery.

So Roxanne, your commentary has me checking my assumptions.

I have a cheat on all that, though, because I am approaching 65 years old. I have not been, and am unlikely to be, sexually active. The vagina to me is simply an indication of my true sex, what I was supposed to be when I was born. I am not looking to take on the full sexual role of a woman, that chance has passed - 20-30 years ago. So that seems to answer a lot of questions I might have asked myself. Half the people in the world have a penis, half of the people in the world have a vagina. So I just want to be in the half that have a vagina.

But am I going to be happier with my vagina? What is it about having a vagina that makes me think I will be happier? (my therapist DID ask that question and therein is what I think is the whole point of this topic). My answer was - "I was supposed to have a vagina when I was born." Simply that. Having a vagina is what my mindset says is natural. This penis I DID end up with just isn't right. I guess that is my true body dysphoria? I mean it's like thinking, "This arm growing out of my forehead just seems wrong. somehow."

Does that make sense?

I apologize Roxanne in advance for writing what I am about to write. I know you transitioned. I know you had all sorts of feminization processes - like we all pursue and eventually get. When it came down to the nearing SRS, you had all the credentials for a clear need for SRS. Your therapist - a new one I understand - saw a woman there requesting that totally elective non-reversable SRS. She assumed you were ready because you probably said you were. And you admitted, it was YOU, not her or any other person, to blame for having the surgery done. She gave you your approval letter. Okay up to that point.

BUT

You didn't have to use it.

Sorry to say that. And to be fair, you stated this, you didn't realize you were perfectly to be happy as a woman with a penis. You didn't realize you would hate everything there is about the look, feel, maintenance, and even the smell, of a vagina. And yes - that unhappiness is a tragedy.

Roxanne - this is important for me to understand, I mean, that it is possible to HATE having a vagina as much as some people have that hatred for having a penis BEFORE SRS. I have never considered I might HATE having a vagina? So you are making me consider that possibility. And thank you. We who are going in that direction need to consider we might not like having a vagina after it is too late.

You see - I have had my letter for over 2 years. Finances and a nasty divorce have kept me from acting on it, not any fear or hesitation. I already am what you wish to be - a woman with a penis. And like so many I really cannot say "I hate my penis." It's more like it just isn't right. So I have the surgery exactly two months from today. Do I know SRS is right fr me? Well that of course is a personal decision (and I assure you , I am positive it is right for me).

But is it right for everyone?

And how did the system apparently fail you. THAT is the main tquestion in this thread. Personally? I think it works well most of the time. I have seen statistics that suggest somewhat less than 1% of post-op transsexuals regret the surgery. But I also suggest the population is so low right now, that it will take decades before the real numbers are known.

And

The regret of having had the almost certain non-reversible SRS, that is so horribly tragic. It is an elective thing - we go through hell getting qualified and certified and bonified, to have SRS. To be at the end... well... still horribly unhappy - even as body dysphoric as before - well, that just isn't acceptable.

What can be the causes?

Misdiagnosis?

Peer pressure?

Unrealistic expectations?

Changes in intimate relationships?

Outside causes we can only guess at?

I think the 'cause' that disturbers me most, is the possibility of peer pressure - specifically here at Laura's Playground. Do we project our feelings upon others when we give advice? When a new person, questioning, comes on Laura's Playground, and reads ALL the information on 'transitioning' are they overly influenced?

THAT is why almost always, the good replies and comments refer a new person to a gender dysphoria trained therapist. We members are sometime just too close to the tree to see the forest.

Just my thoughts.

Lizzy

I guess I'm a "110" then..

I HATE my body with a hot firey burning passion in both my heart & soul...

[Guest DesiB]

Let's please don't ever push to have 'penis hatred' become one of the pre-requisites for vaginoplasty!

I never once considered self-mutilation. My greatest dissatisfaction with having a penis was that it would become construct at inopportune times and cause much anxiety over fear of anyone noticing. I did enjoy touching myself for self gratification, but from early on I developed the internal perception that my hand was actually moving an external object and what I could feel was that object inside of me. So I did not hate that part of my body, I wanted it fixed!

I have always adored and envied the aroma from a woman's vulva. And now, I love knowing that such aroma emanates from my own body!

It was not necessary for me to have hated my penis prior to loving my vulva. I cannot answer for the feelings Roxanne has. I can only offer her my support and best wishes for a positive resolution. In each case, hers and mine, the etiology is very different. And one should not be used to cancel out the other.

[Guest DesiB]

My greatest dissatisfaction with having a penis was that it would become construct at inopportune times and cause much anxiety over fear of anyone noticing.

I'm positive I did not type the word "construct." Is "construct" a banned word?

[Guest Lani]

My greatest dissatisfaction with having a penis was that it would become construct at inopportune times and cause much anxiety over fear of anyone noticing.

I'm positive I did not type the word "construct." Is "construct" a banned word?

[Guest DesiB]

My greatest dissatisfaction with having a penis was that it would become construct at inopportune times and cause much anxiety over fear of anyone noticing.

I'm positive I did not type the word "construct." Is "construct" a banned word?

I have gone back and read the following rule:

20). Profanity. Remember, this is a G or PG rating forum and posts including profanity and swearing or trying to get around the "bad word" filter will be edited or removed.

I know what profanity is. But I do not understand why we can talk about having a penis or a vagina, yet naming the state of a penis that has caused personal anxiety and discomfort is considered profanity. Oh well!

[Guest Roxanne]

I guess I'm a "110" then..

I HATE my body with a hot firey burning passion in both my heart & soul...

What's a 110?

[Guest Roxanne]

Let's please don't ever push to have 'penis hatred' become one of the pre-requisites for vaginoplasty!

I never once considered self-mutilation. My greatest dissatisfaction with having a penis was that it would become construct at inopportune times and cause much anxiety over fear of anyone noticing. I did enjoy touching myself for self gratification, but from early on I developed the internal perception that my hand was actually moving an external object and what I could feel was that object inside of me. So I did not hate that part of my body, I wanted it fixed!

I have always adored and envied the aroma from a woman's vulva. And now, I love knowing that such aroma emanates from my own body!

It was not necessary for me to have hated my penis prior to loving my vulva. I cannot answer for the feelings Roxanne has. I can only offer her my support and best wishes for a positive resolution. In each case, hers and mine, the etiology is very different. And one should not be used to cancel out the other.

Yes, what I am sick of... and this applies to my situation and the situations of other transpeople is that we are not "cookie cutter". There is no typical transwoman (or transman) who has to follow a particular path or has to have certain feelings (other than general dysphoria). I never absolutely hated my height as some transwomen do...

Anyway it's getting rougher and rougher over here. They have me on Zoloft for PTSD and depression, but I can't wait any longer. I see my shrink on Friday (who is an FTM) and I want..... NOW to talk to other phalloplasty surgeons. Even waiting until Friday to talk to him is killing me.

And for what it's worth, if you read one of my earlier posts, I see they changed an "e" word you typed to construct. They changed an "f" word I typed to "love" which was quite funny.

[JJ]

Re those word changes-wasn't a "they" but an automatic word filter that changes words that are not allowed to other words, And yes. it can sometimes be really funny sometimes-other times frustrating but there has been cause for every word being there at some point,

Thanks for understanding

Johnny

[Guest Nibel]

Seeing Roxanne's history made me think about myself a little more... do I hate my penis? No... but it doesn't feel right either. I hope my wife never sees this but, I do not feel very comfortable using it during sex, at least not anymore. I kind of used to like it more before, but as soon as I am moving on with my transition, every small step I move away from denial to acceptance and then starting changing things... the more I'm in contact with the woman in me, less right that part of me seems to be. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's like I've put up with a mask, a wall, or a "persona" in order to be able to live as a male and suddenly this is falling apart in consequence of my psychological evolution towards my female self. it's like sometime in my life I've said to myself "you don't have a choice, get used to it" and now I can say "I was wrong, I DO have a choice!" and this makes all the difference in how I perceive my body now.

[Guest Roxanne]

Found a doc willing to at least discuss doing phalloplasty on me. He wants a letter from my therapist and also a therapist he is a colleague of.

The past couple months I've been talking to this new therapist and also my therapist and finally got them willing to talk to each other after they got release forms from me and whatnot.

Yay!

[Guest LizMarie]

I'm glad to hear you're finding some resolution, Roxanne. I hope you find the peace you seek.

[Guest PhoebeJoan]

I hope that works out for you Roxanne, I hope you can find some peace.

This has been a good thread for me personally. I am looking at a mid-2013 SRS at this point, but this thread has made me analyse things a bit more.

On Liz's scale, im a 4. I would never self-mutilate, however as a very young child I always had premonitions about it being removed one day, and a fear about how bloody that would be. Maybe that is something cis men sometimes have nightmares about, idk, but for me it was just more of a feeling of fate, like something that would happen one day, even before I seriously realised I was transgender or had even heard of transgender people and the surgery.

I refuse to have sex with the penis attached to me. I did a few times in my teens, but ofcourse tried to disconnect myself from what I was doing, and in my 20's have had no interest whatsoever in sex with a penis. So romantically, the penis is a massive obstacle to me, even in terms of wanting a serious relationship. I'm not even interested in sex with a female partner while I have a penis. I dont even like looking down there, and since being on HRT, that genitalia area stands out more as a male region on a female body. I currently love my body, but the penis area personally feels mismatched, if that makes sense.

I dont think I'll be one of those people who specifically LOVES their vagina, i'll just have less body dysphoria and relationship issues, my body as a whole will be more functional. Getting a vagina to me is just fixing the problem. I've been sitting down on the toilet for most of my life to pee, and really feel ashamed and embarrased about tucking and trying to hide this meddling genitalia, especially when it does something spontaneous.

I dont HATE my penis, the social transition and HRT has eliminated the bulk of my dysphoria. I would also much prefer SRS to FFS, as I can find my face beautiful, but cant find male genitals on me to be at all beautiful.

Basically, it just doesnt fit. But honestly, I cant guarantee how I will feel after the SRS. It is still a mystery to me, and gives you that voice in the back of the head that makes you worried about it. I guess being somewhat of a tomboy, as well as bi, also makes you double think SRS. I can also see a bit of myself in Roxanne's past. I just imagine myself being lonely without SRS, as I cant truthfully accept my body while a penis is around.

Thanks for this thread, it will remind me to deeply think about this a number of times before mid-2013.

Ruth

[Guest LindseyBrulay]

I am not post op, I'm not even on hormones yet, but i am starting HRT very soon. I deffinately regret waiting til I was 22 to come out. I doubt my parents would have allowed me to start HRT at a younger age tho. My family is very against it but im gonna just start the HRT and try not to let anybody know for as long as possible. im wondering about how long can i keep my HRT a secret?

[Guest Minerva]

Thanks for starting this topic. I am pondering on if I should go for the SRS or not because I hear many, many negative experiences when I talk to post-operative MtF's. In first glance they seem content but when you speak to them under four eyes, most do seem to admit they have had medical difficulties. I know a woman who still needs to use a wheelchair 1 year after her surgery. Another girl says she can't have intercourse because of complications and she experience chronic pain. Most need correctional surgery.

I really wonder if it having a neovagina is worth sacrificing my health.

[Guest kelise]

I still maintain that even though I have a lot of pain involved with penetration (which doesn't bother me much as I'm alesbian and penetration doesn't interest me) I'd still rather have nothing at all that to still have a penis.

[Guest Roxanne]

Great - the doctor who was willing to talk to me about doing a reversal said yes! His name is Miroslav Djordjevic in Belgrade, Serbia. He had me speak to a therapist (american) that he knows and I spoke with her on the phone a couple of times. She will write the letter for me. Also my local therapist will as well. Of course though at first he thought I was a person who wanted to detransition, not just have a phalloplasty despite remaining female. So did the therapist. But they are both ok with it.

I also spoke to Dr. Crane and he would do it as well. He took over Dr. Brownstein's practice in San Francisco. So now just to speak to Dr. Miro or Dr. Crane on Skype or the phone for a bit and the long wait until summer (I teach at a college, so I could get surgery done in May and spend the whole summer recovering). I still don't feel perfect yet though until I get the absolute 100% ok and actually get to speak to one or both of the surgeons with more than just emails.

[Guest Melissa~]

Wow, That's great to hear Roxanne, This is huge progress from just a few months ago having trouble just getting the time of day from some of the doctors out there.

As for myself, no real changes here, a little less dysphoric about presentation since I'm part time except at work. A little more bodily dysphoric, making progress here and there though, with long term goals and plans, I regularly look in the mirror at pass to myself, above the belt, below the belt is only an annoyance for now.

[Guest Roxanne]

I'm going to talk to Dr. Miroslav Djordjevic, a doctor from Serbia (he will be in the US) in 13 days. He is the one who will likely do my reversal surgery.

Argh though I CANNOT wait. I am actually getting depressed over it. Like not the impatient kid before Christmas or worried or whatever. Upset. Depressed. Like just get this done now. Today is the 6th anniversay of my surgery. I can wait 13 more days. But I can't.

I can't do anything but google stuff on my computer.

[Guest Roxanne]

I met with Dr. Miro on Thursday. Looks like I'll be heading to Belgrade, Serbia for surgery in May 2013