Insanity

[Guest Jon aka Rachel]

Today started great, I got to spend much of the day in a blissful state the closest I have ever felt to myself. No dress and still playing conservative to keep it a secret from the many people who were there. But it still felt really good and my friend was very comfortable around me, she made me feel accepted. That part of the day was good, floating near cloud nine.

But then the earth shook and the ground shattered when I went over to my other friend’s house. She was tired I know that but no more than any of us get when we had a busy day. She was really trying to get out of spending time with me but I still came over for like an hour as I haven’t even seen her in four months. My other friend I had spent the day with came as well. We chatted a bit and then I found out why she had to leave at a particular time. She was going to the movies with some friends. She asked if I wanted to go but it felt like she was forced into it so I said no. I was upset because first we have been friends for close to four years. I got dumped by who I considered to be one of my three best and closest friends. She went to the movies with people that she has barely known well and hung out with for a year and who she has seen a mere 1 month ago and I have not seen her in 2 months. So I see her for an hour this is only the third time in 7months I have seen her and I have only spent about 5 hours with her in that time including tonight. She has spent much more time with these other people. More in one sitting than in the last 7 months with me.

Finally tonight I broke after I left her house. I have been very understanding but I have grown tired of her casting me aside for the last several months. Even last summer she was always too busy with them to spend time with me. Even when I left every moment of my time free for her to pick a time it was still impossible. She and I helped each other out of the darkest time in our lives four years ago this made us very close. Now I feel like I am losing her and there is nothing I can do. I love her like she is my sister and losing her would hurt. Especially now after just figuring all this out.

When I left her house I busted into tears the whole way home. It was something I have wanted to do since the problems had come up but I busted out in anger instead to hide the femininity. But the thoughts depressed me and hurt, for a very brief moment I stopped and looked out into the night. The moon over head and a pond next to me, and for the first time in four years I thought who would miss me… the thought instantly terrified me. I forced the thoughts out of my head as tears ran down my face. Now I knew I was crying for the old me, the one that just jumped in the pond, Jon is melting away; Rachel is coming out more and more every day. Sometimes I think it’s too quick I haven’t even come out to any family yet I haven’t even sought out therapy but I still love this new me I find every day. Now I have to hope things look up with my close friend or I may lose one of the closest people to me. It’s all so much to take in and it killing (not literally) me thought I am not sure who will be hurt worst Jon’s loss of a person he loved like sister or Rachel’s loss of a sister she could use the support of. This may have been the day Jon began to drown in that pond just two blocks away and the day the beauty of the moon that is me finally starts to shine through the dark night.

I am not sure if my fillings about my friend is overzealous or not and my biggest fear is to ruin it all by saying something too her. But overall the day was insane, any input or advice and experience is welcome. Sorry for the long winded post but I just felt like I had to talk to someone.

Thanks for listening

Rachel

[Guest]

Hi Rachael,

I'm sorry that you had a bad day yesterday.

We all know that friendships are rarely perfect, sometimes it doesn't work out for both and the friendship dissolves. I'd hope your friend comes around, but there's also the possibility that she's moving in another direction. It's probably a time to give her space while still letting her know that you care for her.

I do hope that you have a better day today - like start over the way you did yesterday morning and see what can grow from it!

Love, Kat