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My Odd Little Story


Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Edit- After writing all this I realize I pretty much just wrote a novel…. Sorry but I wont even bother deleting parts of it if you want to read it go for it but I wont hold it against those who don’t lol.. It felt good to get that all off my chest… but yeah I probably wouldn’t read it all myself haha…

My story is a lot different than basically any other I have seen on the forum or well anywhere for that matter. It does revolve largely around sexual issues… so if you have a problem with reading that type of stuff I would say stop reading now . And yes I know sexuality and gender are two different things but I don’t know where the line is drawn in my case.

I don’t know what I want to do at this point in time but I know its something I have to figure out and isn’t something I can continue to ignore. I think ive been able to ignore it till this point because I have always been a reclusive person and because of that I just thought my feelings were normal so I dealt with it.

When I was little I never had any of the signs that many people on this site talk about, atleast that I can recall. I was a stereotypical boy. I liked playing sports and with my guy friends.

6th-7th grade rolled around and I found out video games were more fun than my friends. We were friends in school from then on but not like friends I would go hang out with afterwards. That carried on through college (and still does to some degree to this day).

8th grade rolled around. And this girl really was into me. We hanged out a lot from 8th grade to 12th grade. We would be together pretty often in school and would talk on the phone a lot or hang out. The whole time she was trying to get with me. And I just didn’t want to. At the time I thought simply I was too nervous to kiss her. Never had kissed a girl before. Looking back I know realize I just wasn’t sexually attracted to her. Looking back at my whole time in highschool (or college) I don’t think I was sexually attracted to anyone, girl or boy. We were still great friends though. She did most of the talking I did most of the listening but we got along well. She was one of the few friends I would take time to go hang out at her house with. I still had a lot of guy friends in school and from the soccer team I played on, but it ended when school was over or when the practice/game was over mostly. Only had a few people I would occasionally hang out with on bdays etc.

**sexual part coming up and where my issues come into play so stop reading if you don’t wanna hear it**

I became somewhat sexually aware late. I started to self gratification when I was 16 or 17. At some point very early on or even from the very beginning I started to think of myself as a woman sexually. With a guy or girl. At first I thought it was one of those fetishes guys have thinking about girls…. Then I thought maybe I thought I was homophobic and this was my way of cooping. But guys just don’t turn me on when I think of myself as a guy, to this day. And I am as much and usually more attracted to girls when I think of myself as a girl in my little fantasy land. This went on through college and to this day. Most of the time I think of myself as a woman sexually. I also know during this time period I would randomly say to myself I wish I was a woman. Not often. Only like 1-5 times a day at most I would say, if it all on some days. I remember I would imagine myself growing up as a girl where they have greater emotional attachments with others, their ability to be able to express themselves freely, and just how society treats them as a whole among many other things. As a very detached unemotional guy this was intriguing to me. I know that’s like an unobtainable goal for transition, but that’s how I felt. And yes I also wished I had a female body. I imagined at times that just somehow I could morph into a girl with some great pill lol among other random wishful thinking… I can almost imagine myself being in such body while writing this.

College rolled along. I decided I didn’t want to leave home for the first year, so I commuted to a local university. Made some friends had some good times yadyyadyyada. Kept having the same feelings. Got a brain tumor my second year lost all those friends during that time and dealt with that the rest of my college career really. These issues were basically all but forgotten since I had other more pressing concerns as you could imagine.

Now I am in law school. I’ve made friends. But I still don’t feel like I belong with any group. I mean I can talk with the guys or girls about law school work easily. It’s a common interest. I can also take part in many other convos with the guys and do feel accepted… I am also good friends with a few core group of guys but most of what we do largely revolves around school work… but sometimes especially when they get to the stereotypical topics of like relationships and stuff im just usually sitting there facepalming. I also don’t find many of the things they say o so funny. I go out to bars or parties with them occasionally but I am not apart of the group really. Conversely I don’t really know how much I fit in with the girls… I don’t really hang out with girls aside at the bar and usually by then they are so far gone that I don’t understand what they are saying anyway… I mean the times in the past where i hanged out with that girl in HS was great but i dunno really.

I kept having these feelings sexually as well as just the very general wish that I could be a girl. I think between the natural stress (which is a lot) from law school and just the fact that I have had these feelings for almost 6-7 years now I got really thinking about it. I mean I know people think about being the opposite sex occasionally but mine was a little bit overboard... So 3 weeks ago I googled transgender. I mean I have considered it in the past but never seriously. To much about me has always screamed stereotypical guy. I found this website and the chat and have been on there awhile now. Since then it has been on my mind a lot. Not even the feelings so much anymore just the idea of me being tg is right and would transition be possibly. Sometimes I also think it sounds like the dumbest idea in the world. But I go out to dinner now and I see some girls who I think are somewhat cute and my first thought is I wish I could be her. I wish I was able to be that. Feeling goes away pretty quick but then another girl passes and I start to think that again. Its alot easier when I am locked in my room not thinking about anything but school work and/or video games.

But yeah since seriously considering this ive been encouraged to work out (I gained a lot of weight from the surgery and never was one to get encouraged to work out… I infact usually hate the idea of just working out to work out... without some other aspect involved like playing soccer), my appetite has been shot (my parents contribute this to me working out as they say they aren’t that hungry ever and they both work out… they may be right but ive never heard of someone who just eats a small/decent sized dinner each night and not eating anything else because of working out), among other little things. I know this all probably means very little concerning the tg question, but it does lead to one point. I hate my body. I already knew that since I cannot stand looking at pictures of me post surgery… but LP has atleast encouraged me to change. I don’t know how far that change goes and how far I will go with it. Maybe being in shape again will make me happy, but I doubt it. Maybe I will stop thinking so often about this and I can go back to thinking of it only a few times a day. I can ignore it then. I could be somewhat happy doing things like I always have, like playing video games (always a great distraction)… I would probably never be truly happy relationship wise but im sure I could ignore it without doing something extreme like killing myself.

I do feel pretty confused because ive always been pretty much of a loner so I never was even in a position to get those signs of being more naturally drawn to one sex or another. Its only now that all these feelings are hitting me hard. My biggest reservation is that I do think of myself as a stereotypical guy in many aspects and I just don’t know how I would transition or if transitioning would actually solve my problems. My other big reservation is my story is totally different than that of basically anyone else ive seen. Even google didn’t give a search hit.. that’s kinda freaky…

Ive already talked with my mom (she had a gay brother so I figured she would atleast be a bit understanding and she was) and have already began to see a therapist. I just don’t know where I fit in in this world and im not sure where this will lead.

I have already written to much and there is many other things that happened in between there which could mean something or could not mean something that I have looked back on my life and wondered about….

But yeah if anyone actually read this whole thing ill be impressed. Sorry had a lot (and a whole lot more) to get off my chest.

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Guest Emily Ray

Hi confused,

I am happy to see you here on the forums. I remember chatting with you earlier. While you speak of your experience from a sexual point of view I don't feel it is a lot different than my own.

Hugs

Emily

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Hello Confused,

Very interesting story, indeed! I'm one of those quiet ones who can't get more than a paragraph written - always enjoy the loooonnng posts! I'm so glad you came through a brain tumor and are okay afterwards - that's great news!

Often, we do arrive here via different paths - I'd lived most of my life with the awareness that I was different, but really couldn't put a finger on it until a few years ago,

You're doing the right things: seeing a therapist, and finding information here on Laura's Playground. Your answers will come to you. Have patience.

It's great to hear from you! Hope to see more of you here!

Love, Kat

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Yeah i have a problem with writing to much. I hate page limits... but as my dad says, every lawyer/person in law school loves talking/typing way to much lol.

but yeah some people think im rushing things. which may be true. but i mean the one thing i did learn from the brain tumor is live your life each day like its your last :P. Never had a real reason to take that message and use it yet but yeah....

when you get told you have a brain tumor (on my 20th bday happy bday to me lol :D) and that it has to come out relatively soon in the next few months or it could cause permanent damage it kinda puts things into perspective. Was always the safe kid... never did drugs, never drank, stayed home for school etc.

Maybe this will all pass and I can live a relatively normal life. Or maybe not :P. Ima find out though, sooner than later lol hopefully :P.

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Guest Deandra

Hi Confused,

Welcome to Laura's. Video games have always been a great distraction to me too. Unlike you, i never acted like the stereotypical guy. I'm barely good at any sports, but i'm ok with that. I do remember when i was like nine or ten i thought of myself as a girl and wondered why my mom never had a daughter because she has five boys, no girls. SRS always interested me, but it only recurred in my mine only for a little while over the years. Well anyway i hope to hear more from u.

Hugs

Deandra

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Hi Confused,

Welcome to Laura's. Video games have always been a great distraction to me too. Unlike you, i never acted like the stereotypical guy. I'm barely good at any sports, but i'm ok with that. I do remember when i was like nine or ten i thought of myself as a girl and wondered why my mom never had a daughter because she has five boys, no girls. SRS always interested me, but it only recurred in my mine only for a little while over the years. Well anyway i hope to hear more from u.

Hugs

Deandra

i say stereotypical guy because i mean i think that is how i portray myself but i really dont know. I compare myself to other girls and guys and I think it aligns in many aspects with guys. I just act like i always have and i think that is rather stereotypical in most aspects. But for all i know everyone could think im really feminine lol. but i doubt it.

But im not sure exactly what stereotypical actually entails and each person has their own idea on that i guess... I am stereotypical as im not over expressive (which i think explains why alot of people on here are always like 1000x more expressive and more emotional than me with everything they feel... ive always been more toned down with my feelings), i dress like a stereotypical guy, i talk like a guy most of the time, love video games, and i like sports. But then again the stuff I listed above in my first post and some other things I have done are definitely not stereotypical guy things :P. But predominately I would say pretty stereotypical. but stereotypical means nothing in the long run its just something I have been trying to figure out during all of this.

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Guest TheBlackSheep

You sound very similar to me. I wish I had read this post before I posted one similar.

I am also confused about what all of my feelings mean. When you say that you are attracted to guys (when you think of yourself as a girl) but not when you think of yourself as a guy I know exactly what you mean. It's so strange. Like you, I am also very shy and reserved. I usually hang out with guys too, but I don't have much in common with them. I couldn't hang out with girls though because that would be awkward I think??!! I mean I would get on better with them, but straight guys hanging with girls isn't very common. I would also spend my time staring at them and wishing I was them! lol Might freak them out a bit.

What has your therapist advised you so far? Have you ever gone out in public as a woman? Could you/ Would you?

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

What has your therapist advised you so far? Have you ever gone out in public as a woman? Could you/ Would you?

uhh well when i first started thinking all this i just said screw it and contacted the therapist office connected with my law school. So right now im actually seeing a multicultural specailist... because thats the only one who came to the law school... and ive only seen her once and we just got the really basic background stuff out of the way... but the semester ends in like 5 weeks so im gonna find a gender therapist near my home after that. The current therapist wont be able to help me much im sure in the few weeks I will be around, but just talking is nice.

I have never gone out in public as a woman nor have i ever tried on girls clothing or anything like that, ever. I was never really attracted to girls clothing or guys clothing for that matter. Rather indifferent even though i have recently wondered if i would be willing to wear something I see a girl wearing. I also havent considered it because im just not happy with myself right now in my own body as a guy. I gained alot of weight due to a surgery.. which im losing rapdily judging from some pictures ive seen so i dunno maybe in the future i may try that out but only after i feel a bit more comfortable in my own body as a guy as well lol.

Right now i would never go out as a woman and thats one of my hugest reservations. I cant see myself doing it. It sounds like a nice idea and who knows i may really like it. But well im a wuss and currently in a position where everyone is very very judgmental. Law school is all about looks and how you portray yourself. Everyone is very judgmental unfortunately. Im in my first year so i dont know who i could tell such information like this to without all of a sudden hearing it on like a loudspeaker in the middle of the classroom building lol... And its not just the people here its just how law school is.. Like we had a moot court competition. 5 of the 6 categories were about how you talked and your general appearance not ur argument.

The idea of it all sounds good to me. I just have no clue how I would execute it. I also dont feel some large need to do it since it isnt the clothing so much im looking for. But who knows i may enjoy it i dunno.

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Hiya Confused, personally i dont think there is any 'stereotypical' behaviour for any gender, maybe for personality types....but i grew up muchly the same as you with no questioning or feeling out of place till much later in life. I dont think it matters much which road any of us took to get here but now that your here, take your time, look around and take in the sights. The most important part is finding a place you are happy in and it sounds like you are looking in all the right areas. Good luck on your journey. Sorry i couldnt be more helpful, im still taking in the sights myself...

Nat :friends:

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

One thing that does have my slightly concerned is the fact that while i said i used to think about having a females body 1-5 times a day if at all some days... this whole looking at a girl and kinda being i wish i was her only really started since coming to this site and me realizing that my feelings werent exactly normal. I mean i would say i wish i was someone when i was thinking about it, but never really (i mean i may have a tiny bit i dont really remember) would i look at a girl and go omg why cant that be me.

Basically im not sure how much of the things i feel are because of the site or because of the realization if that makes sense. I want it to be true and i dont know if im like forcing it ever since coming to this site.

I know im not faking the whole not eating thing.. thats kinda hard to fake only eating one time a day. but that to started when coming to the site.. but i credit that to the realization that im different from others.

I dont know if that makes sense to anyone at all?

Is the solution staying away from the site and chat for awhile and see where I go with it? I mean you see all these people being happy from transitioning...u cant help but feel like maybe thats the solution.

I noticed this earlier and stayed a way from the site/chat for a good week. But i mean the only ppl i have told aside obviously this forum/chat are my mom (who didnt know during that period) and 2 girls i know from online games who i chat to occasionally but not often... so i wanted to talk to people with similar feelings.. but i dont know if thats making me change the way i act or if its just the realization of this is what i want...

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

After looking back a bit more... i guess in the past i did look at girls and think that but not nearly as often as i do now. now its whenever im out and around girls im doing it.. it used to be only a few times a week if at all i would imagine myself as another girl... and then it would be probably 1-5 times a day if at all just imagining ME being a girl.

But i dunno the question still stands. I mean ive always wanted or atleast entertained the thought that I wanted to be a girl but since seeing this site that want has really come to the forefront of my thoughts. I always kinda just thought before it was something I would just deal with.. now i see there are other options....

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

I know this is a triple post but well the topic is about me, I dont see an edit button, and it kinda fits in this topic... I have been doing alot of thinking recently and have come to realize I guess I have always somewhat entertained or atleast recognized the idea of being transgendered outside my little fantasy land in my head. Looking back ive noticed a few things...

One of the more recent things was about some girl in like asia who was actually a big superstar... and it got leaked she was TS and someone posted it on facebook... i looked it all up... and then i started imagining i should somehow contact her for i dunno what reason just to meet her and see how she did it? i dunno. that always then lead to me imagining myself as a girl and well that lead into the rest of my story from earlier... And that happened this semester a few times.

Looking back on my life I have done similar things... Like well i used to troll (trolling- try to get a reaction out of people on the internet... yes i know immature) and so I joined my friend who would go to a racist website to do it because they are naturally angry hateful people who i felt i could justify trolling because well they are bigots. Long story short I found the womens section (my friend showed me a link where they said they shouldnt have the right to vote and i found it amusing that they would say that about themselves) and then i just started looking at links that really there was just no way to justify me looking at for "trolling material"... like the boys thread (where i couldnt even see pictures cuz im not a member) among others things... I was never really interested in the stuff just intrigued i guess and i did that quite a few times but i dont know how many times i actually read those type of threads compared to other things....

I called 2 girls on the internet guys for quite awhile (i think that was more me being an idiot then me hoping them to be actually guys tbh but i dunno) which started out with the whole play on the idea that girls dont play video games... but i dunno i think subconsciously i may have hoped they said yes.. cuz i did take it a bit overboard sometimes... ironically they are the only 2 people who know aside my mom now and rightfully so find it somewhat amusing.

I was interested in the whole youngest TS when i first heard about it. I forgot her name but i was amazed that someone that young could just do that. I mean i did a tiny little research on it and all that and ive always remembered that. Think most people would just read the one article say interesting and never really think about it again.

Then there was the whole girl who went to thailand and saw a transgendered show.. and i went and looked at the pics later... only once but still refused to look while i was there and did look later... which doesnt mean much aside that i was really interested to see what they looked like... but add it up with all my other random events and its starting to be more of a pattern heh...

I used to play warcraft and a kid on there who was a huge idiot turned out to be a drag queen. I do know drag is different then TG, but i didnt know that at the time. Somenoe sent me his link on facebook and I would go back to that a bit to often to see what he would do next. It both amazed me that someone was doing that... and was appealing i guess sexually that maybe i could do that i dunno dont really remember. I know I always just justified that by posting other people to say "lol" its that idiot from warcraft who used to call everyone gay and now hes dressing up in drag and is in fact gay... but yeah i used that way to much..

All of this could mean something, or it could just be that im on the internet way to much and see all these things, or its all normal lol i dunno. This is not including all my random weird little daydreams i have had about me personally somehow becomign a woman... which would fall into the 1-5 times a day category of wishing i was.

Take all this and the impact its having on my body now and just who i have always felt and i dunno lol.

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

quadruple post but i dont think anyones reading anymore and it feels good to write it all out anyway.. All of a sudden getting an interest in trying on girl clothes... never really had that before aside a little in my little fantasies... kinda going from fantasy to reality now... although its not some uncontrollable urge and i realistically know that I wont be doing that any time soon due to the position I am in currently.

Wonder when ill stop learning new things about myself and just "be me" whatever that may be.. apparently keeps evolving each day i think about it.

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Guest TheBlackSheep

Sounds like you are becoming more comfortable with your feelings and beginning to understand it all so good for you!!!

I can relate to when you say that this fantasy and desire to think of yourself as a girl has always been there but you have never really explored it before. It feels like for the most part of my life it has been in the back of my head, but I have always hidden it and not accepted it. The only feeling I've had is that something just wasn't right with me. I guess this became more apparent when I was around men and I would feel differently and found it hard to fit into the macho stereotype.

I was in a similar position to you last year (studying for postgraduate and being in a very judgmental and competitive environment) and it got me really down. I didn't even know about these feelings I had back then. Anyway, now I've left (I didn't finish the course because it was just too much and it wasn't for me) I feel a great deal of freedom and I'm enjoying exploring what is in my head away from all of the peer pressure and influence. I am also single which helps because I don't have to explain anything to anyone. Maybe you need the freedom to explore your feelings further too. I know how hard it is to think something or do something which is deemed socially unacceptable and doesn't fit with the stereotype.

How did you find the courage to tell your Mum? I'm not sure I could ever do that.

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Guest Elizabeth K

I have been reading your posts, and as you have been getting some great information from the membership, I haven't commented. I see you are somewhat getting a handle on all this and that you are scheduled to talk with a gender therapist and that, of course, will help you get everything sorted out.

I do have a few insights I think you will find interesting. These are based somewhat on your comments.

First, your questioning of what you are IS typical of gender dysphoria, and wishing you had been born as a girl or that you ARE a girl, shows a tenancy of being dysphoric. Most non gender dysphoric people rarely have those thoughts except as a curiosity thing, then they forget them. So yes - you belong here where you can get some support.

And everyone's story is different.

Your feelings can be anywhere on a scale of being what we call autogynophila to being transsexual, with many other definitions between, and the therapist can work you through that. Once the two of you have worked out a probable diagnosis, you can then work on how to be happier with what you are.

You DO NOT HAVE TO TRANSITION, even if you are classical transsexual. Many do not, and do fine. I have heard numbers as low as 30% of us ever do transition. I did by the way - and I did it very late in life, for some very complicated reasons, but this is your post not mine.

And let me say that what you are (as you get through the journey of self discovery) is perfectly fine. People who are 'gender dysphoric are probably born that way, so you are likely born the way you are. And you are what you are. It's learning how to be happy that is so important, not the labels.

So the anxiety you feel now, has an endgame. Don't worry so.

You asked yourself:

Wonder when I'll stop learning new things about myself and just "be me" whatever that may be.. apparently keeps evolving each day I think about it.

You are already on that journey, grin - and it will work out fine.

You are allowed to Private Message. I will gladly try to answer any of your questions if you wish.

Lizzy

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Sounds like you are becoming more comfortable with your feelings and beginning to understand it all so good for you!!!

I can relate to when you say that this fantasy and desire to think of yourself as a girl has always been there but you have never really explored it before. It feels like for the most part of my life it has been in the back of my head, but I have always hidden it and not accepted it. The only feeling I've had is that something just wasn't right with me. I guess this became more apparent when I was around men and I would feel differently and found it hard to fit into the macho stereotype.

I was in a similar position to you last year (studying for postgraduate and being in a very judgmental and competitive environment) and it got me really down. I didn't even know about these feelings I had back then. Anyway, now I've left (I didn't finish the course because it was just too much and it wasn't for me) I feel a great deal of freedom and I'm enjoying exploring what is in my head away from all of the peer pressure and influence. I am also single which helps because I don't have to explain anything to anyone. Maybe you need the freedom to explore your feelings further too. I know how hard it is to think something or do something which is deemed socially unacceptable and doesn't fit with the stereotype.

How did you find the courage to tell your Mum? I'm not sure I could ever do that.

I wouldnt even say its always been there i think i just kinda found it eventually. My memory is horrible.. maybe due to the brain tumor i dunno.. so im alway hesitant to bring up my past because I never know how clearly I remember it.. So im always reevaluting what i say and remembering either new weird stuff ive done or remembering what ive said is a bit inaccurate or making a big deal out of something which may not be so big heh. Like now I really dont know if my feelings started before or after the surgery. I am almost positive it was before the surgery but I dont know. I never kept a timeline of that stuff in my head :P. I came to that question after someone said maybe the surgery had an effect... But I took steroids so wouldnt that increase my T not lower my T? :P. Never heard of more T= more feminine... but i do think i was thinking this before but i cant be sure.. nor do i know if it matters. But my therapist was also hooked on traumatic events in my life as if the answer lied there...

I am also single, but I live in a boys dorm and when at home i live in a room with my 2 brothers. And I will be working for my dad and eventually take over his business.. While we all were never a really close family sibling wise we are always always around one another lol. Almost as bad as being in a relationship :P.

The thinking part is no problem for me. I think i opened pandoras box so theres no going back on that one so i live with it. But the doing it part is probably gonna hold me back from ever doing something about it atleast publically. Well i mean im doing small things and i dont know why. Like i said ive been encouraged to get into shape ever since my thoughts started going this way. I posted an old picture of myself from when i was in very good shape on facebook and said thats my goal. Then I looked at my legs... and looked at my legs in the picture... and realized they are huge, like very muscular... and I wanted "smaller legs". More petit legs. I dont want to get into the shape I used to be in which was much more solid.. I want to get skinny... and petit i guess you could say (and I have no real urge to cross dress till that point thats kinda like my goal which then is when i want to start doing other changes about myself)... And my appetite has been shot. Ive decided I wanted to do something with my hair (usually I dry the hair walk outside of house and im ready to go and thats what im still doing till i get into shape to see what will fit me), I want to get clothes other than an adidas shirt. I had an awful habit for a very long time of picking my lips because the surgery dried them out... I have been applying chapstick religiously... and finally I havent been eating for the past 4 weeks. I make myself eat a dinner each night... My body and brain want to change but I cant figure out to where and why. So I figure Ill just roll with it and see where it leads me.. Ive always hated my body and thats changing slowly now. I just dont know when it will stop. I mean I know ill be happier in shape but will I be happy enough that I can ignore all of this stuff largely? Maybe.

How I found the courage to ask my mom? Well I was crying that day because i dunno I was having one of those days where everything was to much. After I cry though I feel really really relaxed. Someone posted a letter they sent their mother about everything and I just randomly decided I want to tell her. I knew she had a gay brother and kinda understood i cant help the thoughts running in my head... Yes it was very odd to get the first few words out that I think sexually as a woman.. but once i said it just kinda kept blabbing... I dont know why and I dont know if that was a good decision but I was in such a relaxed mood I just didnt give a darn lol. Its been a few days she called me once the day after about the issue and thats it. I havent called her which is usually how it goes like every night so im guessing she just wants to give me space till maybe the summer when she said she will help me find a gender therapist if I want it. She thinks this is all a fad. Told me when I was young she could say peanut butter and thats all i would talk about for a month.. which is true I do over obsess about things. Which is why I was wondering whether I should stop posting or not... Ive stopped going on the chat for a week at a time but then i just feel like i have no one to talk to... Like I stopped going monday and was back on tuesday because I hit a new weird bump in everything and started crying way to much lol :P. Now im not going again till therapy because the therapist really kinda gave me the feeling she would rather me stay away, I dont know Ill ask her then. Shes not a gender therapist though so i mean i may respect what she says to a certain degree but ill probably still post on here, just maybe not go on chat. I get more answers from this likely then from her :P.

My mind is shifting though. I used to very little think about the issue a day.. then i figured this all out and it was like a sledge hammer to the face and thats all i thought about... Ever since my last crying episode im still strangely relaxed... Its still on my mind alot but its kinda just a I want to be a woman (no rhyme or reason like always), transition sounds like a crazy idea and is that right for me, but i cant do much about it now so ill just keep doing what im doing. Im not thinking as sexually anymore even though just the idea of being a woman does still do it a tiny tiny tiny bit sometimes...

The whole idea just sounds so freaking appealing. I dont know why I think I would rather be a woman then a guy. But I want a female body. But if I dont have it, its not gonna totally ruin my life. Then again my life has consisted of homework and video games with the occasional party for so long I dont think my life has been o so great anyway. Looking back I regret my life. All I did was video games. So when I say it wont totally ruin my life I mean it wont totally ruin a life im totally bored/ready to move on from but will continue to do because I dont know what else I could do.

Which leads me to my last point and reservation. Why do i think transition would help me move on from that. I dont know. I have this big shining goal of being a woman. I feel like it would be great and I would change. But all of the things I want change are not things that like hormones or SRS (aside the whole i want a womans body part) would change. It wont magically make me more social, it wont magically make me less emotionally detached. Those are things that i gotta work on otherwise and I know that.

Im pretty much at the point that I am just trying to figure out what I need to do to be happy. And I can accept that and my life is already a bit better... but this whole idea is still on my brain. Can i or Can I not do it.

Another post that went way longer then I expected it would. And Elizabeth I will probably take you up on that offer. Maybe after class. Gotta get some questions straight in my head. Alot of people on the chat were great but those who I talked to all knew at like the age of like 5 what they wanted... Thats not me and they couldnt really help with my questions... I really do want to get the opinion of people who realized this all at an older age and how it was for them. While im still relatively young it was never something I just grew up with knowing so I feel more in the position of that of those who came to the realization at an older age.

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Guest ignota
I think i opened pandoras box so theres no going back on that one

I think you're at the same point I was at about a month and a half ago - a lot of what your saying is pretty much what's been going on in my head!

For me, it was like something twigged just after christmas and I knew I had to get to the bottom of my feelings. Now I'm pretty sure I couldn't go back to the way I was; I hated myself, but couldn't work out how to get out. Then this happened, and suddenly I'm doing stuff - not even gender related - to dig myself out of the rut I was in. That's part of what makes me sure I'm doing the right thing.

You're confused now, but I think that's where I was and I've improved massively. I nearly drove myself crazy thinking I might be faking it (for what end?!), seizing on every passing thought and impulse and analysing it to death. I think you have to learn to trust the feelings you feel. Myself, my strategy for survival at the moment is to accept whatever makes me feel most comfortable (for me, that's female, with a bit of my own branded weirdness thrown in), and once I get therapy, I'll go through things with the therapist and have them help me work out whether or not it is fake.

But for now, I'm reasonably happy accepting something which is probably true, but may not be. The alternative depresses me, a lot, so I keep it in my head.

I hope that helps :\ it's been a bit me-me-me but hopefully you might see a bit of yourself in that. If not, sorry in advance! :P

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

i cant help but over analyze everything lol. thats what i always do =/. thats why when i start writing a post which should be 2 lines i end up with a 15 paragraph post.. more stuff just keeps come blabbing out.

I dont mean faking it as much as just like over doing it. I feel like sometimes im like thinking about the site first and then ill look at a girl and dream.. like the one makes me remember the other... dont know if it would necessarily happen the other way around but i dunno :P.

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

it felt right all today till now. now it just sounds wrong. knowing me later tonight/tomorrow morning it will feel right again.. and then ill keep doing that...

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Guest ignota

Quit being so much like me, it's scary :P Therapy seems to be the only way to go. I'm glad you're there already - I'm going through the NHS and it takes FOREVER.

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

im seeing a regular therapist though atm. go for my 2nd appointment later today. First day was a waste since it was just background information. hopefully we actually go somewhere with stuff today. ps I was right it feels a bit better today but still alot of doubts.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Not going to make a new thread concerning this and the issue kinda fits in here so I will just put it here. So its been almost 2 months now since ive actually seriously started to question my gender and not just ignore it, and I have gotten no where. My regular therapist told me it could be OCD (shes not a specialist in it nor is she a GT) since I have been obsessing over it (and shes right i have been), or it could have been the fact that I was on steroids for 3 months, then there are my own feelings in the back of my mind that this may just be AGP and some stupid little freakish fetish that I am stretching to far. I dont think so but that feeling is always there. The only thing I know for sure is if I had to choose my gender from birth it wouldn't be my current one.

I need to stay away from the forum and chat and see where my feelings go and also get my life back on track. I think I failed my first law school final of the semester on tuesday. I wasnt prepared. For the past 2 months I have been freaking out to much about this and on the chat/forum (which did become obsessive for me as is anything new to me really). I have come up to finals way to unprepared. That isn't my biggest issue with all this. My biggest issue is I dont even care. I thought I did bad on a final last semester and I was freaking out nonstop. There is a good chance that I failed the test on tuesday and I walked out not caring at all. I then went to a bar with my friends. Couldnt crack a smile, wasnt hungry, and couldnt stomach anything to drink. So i left. Cried my way home cause I dont know who or what I am. I have lost 40 pounds in less then 2 months. At first I thought I was just motivated to exercise and lose some weight. Now I am not sure how much of that is I just am never hungry anymore and force myself to eat atleast dinner some days and that the exercise is the only thing to relieve all this stress at times. I cry way to often now and I am not one who really lets their emotions get the better of them. I just found out when preparing for my final on friday that half of my outline somehow did not save... and I dont even care again. I am trying to fix it but honestly I am in no real rush.

I know I need to see a GT but I cant right now nor know when I in reality will be able to. And frankly, I dont want to talk to one really. I guess I dont want to hear the answer I will come to. So I am going to try to just forget this all for now. I was able to ignore it pretty well today (mostly cuz i freaked out so hard yesterday and can usually feel pretty good right after) till I logged on the forum then the feelings all came back =/. So hopefully I can largely ignore this all again like I have for many years. I need to get my life back on track because right now I am just going downhill. People warned me this was going to happen to me and it did. So hopefully I can at least keep myself in law school.

I know what I wish for but AGP just keeps coming back to bite me and truly screw with me. I play devils advocate with myself every day and its slowly killing me.

The worst part of all of this is all my friends think I am at the top of my game and that I am doing great in everything. Only one person knows that I have seen a therapist and I had no choice but to tell him, but I claimed it was "family problems". I cant even tell them whats going on when I wish I could just scream out what I am feeling.

I may pop in once in awhile but for now I am done with it all I think. I know I will not ever be truly done with it since I still intend to do small things like grow my hair out and get more adro clothes among other little uhh things if I can get away with it, but I cant keep going at the pace I am.

Thanks for all the help.

Confusedaboutmyfeelings (~nicole~ on chat)

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Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings

Yeah I know I definitely need to forget about it for the short term, being one more week of finals.

But honestly kind of hoping I can forget about it longer. I just question everything and put myself in a position like this getting no where with no answers. My only problem is I dont know if there is any way to truly ignore something like this after you accept it and stop denying it initially... I opened myself up to the idea and I dont know if there is any "going back" so to say to where I convinced myself doing anything was impossible.

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