Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Zenda

How Buddhist Deal With Anger...

Recommended Posts

Guest Zenda

Kia Ora all,

A Buddhist take on anger by

Barbara O’Brien

“Anger. Rage. Fury. Wrath. Whatever you call it, it happens to all of us, including Buddhists. However much we value loving kindness, we Buddhists are still human beings, and sometimes we get angry. What does Buddhism teach about anger?

Anger is one of the three poisons – the other two are greed and ignorance – that are the primary causes of the cycle of samsara and rebirth. Purifying ourselves of anger is essential to Buddhist practice. Further, in Buddhism there is no such thing as “righteous” or “justifiable” anger. All anger is a fetter to realization.

Yet even highly realized masters admit they sometimes get angry. This means that for most of us, not getting angry is not a realistic option. We will get angry. What then do we do with our anger?

First, Admit You Are Angry

This may sound silly, but how many times have you met someone who clearly was angry, but who insisted he was not? For some reason, some people resist admitting to themselves that they are angry. This is not skilful. You can’t very well deal with something that you won’t admit is there.

Buddhism teaches mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves is part of that. When an unpleasant emotion or thought arises, do not suppress it, run away from it, or deny it. Instead, observe it and fully acknowledge it. Being deeply honest with yourself about yourself is essential to Buddhism.

What Makes You Angry?

It’s important to understand that anger is something created by yourself. It didn’t come swooping out of the ether to infect you. We tend to think that anger is caused by something outside ourselves, such as other people or frustrating events. But my first Zen teacher used to say, “No one makes you angry. You make yourself angry.”

Buddhism teaches us that anger is created by mind. However, when you are dealing with your own anger, you should be more specific. Anger challenges us to look deeply into ourselves. Most of the time, anger is self-defensive. It arises from unresolved fears or when our ego-buttons are pushed.

As Buddhists we recognize that ego, fear and anger are insubstantial and ephemeral, not “real.” They’re ghosts, in a sense. Allowing anger to control our actions amounts to being bossed around by ghosts.

Anger Is Self-Indulgent

Anger is unpleasant but seductive. Pema Chodron says that anger has a hook. “There's something delicious about finding fault with something,” she said. Especially when our egos are involved (which is nearly always the case), we may protect our anger. We justify it and even feed it.

Buddhism teaches that anger is never justified, however. Our practice is to cultivate metta, a loving kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. “All beings” includes the guy who just cut you off at the exit ramp, the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas, and even someone close and trusted who betrays you.

For this reason, when we become angry we must take great care not to act on our anger to hurt others. We must also take care not to hang on to our anger and give it a place to live and grow.

How to Let It Go

You have acknowledged your anger, and you have examined yourself to understand what caused the anger to arise. Yet you are still angry. What’s next?

Patience means waiting to act or speak until you can do so without causing harm. “Patience has a quality of enormous honesty in it,” she said. “It also has a quality of not escalating things, allowing a lot of space for the other person to speak, for the other person to express themselves, while you don’t react, even though inside you are reacting.”

If you have a meditation practice, this is the time to put it to work. Sit still with the heat and tension of anger. Quiet the internal chatter of other-blame and self-blame. Acknowledge the anger and enter into it entirely. Embrace your anger with patience and compassion for all beings, including yourself.

Don’t Feed Anger

It’s hard not to act, to remain still and silent while our emotions are screaming at us. Anger fills us with edgy energy and makes us want to do something. Pop psychology tells us to pound our fists into pillows or to scream at the walls to “work out” our anger. Thich Nhat Hanh disagrees.

“When you express your anger you think that you are getting anger out of your system, but that's not true,” he said. “When you express your anger, either verbally or with physical violence, you are feeding the seed of anger, and it becomes stronger in you.” Only understanding and compassion can neutralize anger.

Compassion Takes Courage

Sometimes we confuse aggression with strength and non-action with weakness. Buddhism teaches that just the opposite is true.

Giving in to the impulses of anger, allowing anger to hook us and jerk us around, is weakness. On the other hand, it takes strength to acknowledge the fear and selfishness in which our anger usually is rooted. It also takes discipline to meditate in the flames of anger.

And As His Holiness the Dalai Lama mentioned:

"When reason ends, then anger begins.

Therefore, anger is a sign of weakness."

Food for thought…

^_^ Happy Mindfulness ^_^ [i'm happy if you're happy!- :rolleyes: but then again I'm always happy so I wish for you to be too ^_^ ]

I'm just off to my meeting...

Metta Zenda :)

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Zenda

Kia Ora Kat,

:rolleyes: Thich Nhat Hanh’s right, to express ones anger does not free one from its grip, instead it reinforces it…

There a thing call NLP Neuro-Linguistic-Programming [check out these links if you’re not familiar with it]

http://www.nlpls.com/spi/Buddhism.php

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

In one senses it’s like a Western approach to Buddhist psychology, the first link shows the similarities …

:rolleyes: Many forum members tend to vent their anger, then say they feel good after doing so, but this feeling good is only ‘short’ lived, :unsure: until another similar situation comes along and their mind automatically responses in the way they have ‘programmed’ it to ie, with anger :banghead: …It becomes a vicious cycle… :mad::blowup:

I know for some, overcoming their anger is not an easy task :banghead: , but as the saying goes “Practice makes perfect!” :score::welldone: And the bonus for overcoming anger = Happiness/contentment… :friends: . One will feel a lot ^_^ ‘happier’ ^_^ if one is free of anger…

^_^ Happy Mindfulness ^_^

Metta Zenda :)

Share this post


Link to post
Guest xthermina

Try to learn mindfulness(mindful meditation). That's how I deal with anger, stress and anxiety anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Jaques

I feel that when someone doesnt admit to feelings of anger, its possibly because they feel they are failing in their practice - on occasions when ive felt anger, I see it as just another sign to watch the mind, where its going, why im feeling that way, is it just the old "reactive" thing, that way theres no judgement on myself and i can let it go easier

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Juniper Blue
:thumbsup: I LOVE THIS!! Thank you!

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Jaques

Now I respect, admire and love the Dalai Lama, his wonderful laugh, even in times of trouble is an inspiraration to me, he came in very handy today and i am sure he would laugh if I told him this is the 2nd time, the lst was when I had a hole in the plaster of one of my bedroom walls and had a visitor coming to stay, his photo in a frame covered it up nicely - today I was putting up a heavy bathroom cabinet, soI could get the screws in, I supported it from a ledge beneath with around 12" of stacked books - on the top was the Daiai lamas "The Heart of Compassion" - I think his good humour would have appreciated that..........

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 200 Guests (See full list)

    • Willa
    • YharnamDreamDaddy
    • NothingFails
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,766
    • Total Posts
      630,576
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,116
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JustinaS
    Newest Member
    JustinaS
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. claire1000
      claire1000
      (69 years old)
    2. nikrs
      nikrs
  • Posts

    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is truly an awful thing for someone to do.  I’m so sorry you had to go threw that.  😢   I have wanted to do this all my life but something always holds me back from doing it. Perhaps my ingrained sense of need to hide everything about the person I was inside was so strong that I just couldn’t “confess” this even in written words.   Then there was the ever present fear of having someone read it, or worse, like what happened to TammyAnne.  I honestly do not know how much of a negative impact that would of had on me.   These days I’m out.  Not to the world but to most everyone I care about so these fears don’t control me any longer.   Why do I still resist?
    • Belle
      That is so awful @TammyAnne... I'm so sorry you have gone through such trauma. I hope one day you will be able to heal enough to stay a journal again.   Belle ❤😥
    • Belle
      Like DeeDee I blog about mine. It's not necessarily a journal but it's an outlet to express my journey in words.   https://medium.com/@qtcbelle   Belle ❤
    • Carolyn Marie
      "Meanwhile, my regular male life carried on.  I eventually met and married my wife.  Of course, the women's clothes had to go.  I was "fixed", and whatever was "wrong" with me was gone.  (or so I thought, hopefully.)  However, the urge to dress remained very strong, and gradually got stronger."   Yes, this sounds a lot like me; always hoping something would "cure" me.  If it wasn't falling in love and getting married, it was growing a mustache and doing something macho and dangerous.  But it never worked, and didn't for you, either.  We have all come to realize that being trans can't be cured, but there is a sure fire way of beating the dysphoria, and its name was transition!   Thanks for taking the time to tell us about yourself, KathyLauren.  I know that it can be a difficult thing to do.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      As someone who took insulin shots for 20 years, I have some familiarity with the problem.  The "good spot-bad spot" theory is pretty "spot" on 😜.  There are thousands of nerve endings in all your extremities, and hitting one by accident is fairly easy to do.  On top of that, hitting a capillary or blood vessel can also be painful.  I'm not entirely sure how to guarantee it won't happen (if that's even possible), but your best best is to talk with a nurse about it.  He or she should be able to give you some tips.  I would also suggest marking (with a marker pen or piece of tape) the spots that gave you pain so you can try and avoid them the next time.   Carolyn Marie
    • MetaLicious
      That's where my fantasy takes me.  I'd love to keep "my" body, but just with XX chromosomes, and an appropriate puberty.   When I find my jealous of some ot the women in media, I have to remind myself that 99% of ciswomen are jealous of those women for the same reason!
    • Tristantulaine
      I have recently begun the process of speaking out what I have been struggling with for a good many years internally without knowing how to put it into words.  In part this is due to transgender friends telling me their stories and hearing bits of myself in them. Last night I had a good cry with my wonderful spouse who told me that he doesnt see me any differently.   So now I feel my experiences can be discussed so much more openly.  First some background.   There is a joke in our family that the force is strong with my dads genetics and on my is it ever.  All three of my dads biological children look like him, and I have a different mom then the other two.  My birth grandfather and dad look alike and his half brother is the same.   In essence I look...like...my dad.  I was born female but have always had this face that could pass for male.  Once as a teen in the hospital I was told by staff that I looked like a cute boy with my hair slicked back.  Now...that is unsettling for a whole host of reasons that I really dont want to get into here but suffice it to say I thought for the first time, what if i was a boy?  Am i cute as a boy?    I didnt experience dysphoria as a child, I just ran around and played in the mud with boys and girls and made up elaborate stories where I fought dragons in skirts and everyone cheered for me, the victorious  knight. Then they showed up.  And they just kept growing and growing till they are large enough that my doctor has spoken to me about top surgery without gender entering the question.  I hate them. Literally I have so much anger towards them I sometimes want to lock myself up in my room and cry.  I look at my androgynous face that looks like my dads and think of the times people have seen just a head shot and thought I could be male or female,  a boy in skirts or a girl in armor or something in between.  Then I look at this silhouette that no amount of binding can reduce.     I am happy with the in betweeness of my face and I am not particularly distressed with any other part of my anatomy, but the thought of caring the things around on my chest for the rest of my life and always looking like I am smuggling watermelons out of a grocery store makes me sick.     So this is where I am now.  I suppose it is as good a place as any to be in as far as my identity is concerned.  I think I am somewhere in between and I want to make my body look the way I feel. And I am in this moment now with acceptance and love for that.
    • Tristantulaine
      I think since it seems there is an interest there that it would be a really great idea!  My adult friends and I took my adult friend to one for her birthday once because she had never gone before and it was absolutely the most fun we have ever had.  I think you see things from a different perspective as you get older and aquariums are a great place to recapture some of the fun and innocence of childhood. Also someone who has always been supportive and willing to listen is probably the kind of person who would enjoy doing something more unique. And you can always get a plushy from the gift shop to snuggle.    I hope all works out for you! 
    • A. Dillon
      Yes, I actually do! I don't write in it daily, but whenever something important happens, I always add to my voice diary of my laptop. That way, I will also be able to hear the progression of my voice over time. For now, I can gladly say that months of training my voice has definitely lowered it quite a bit, and while it might not be exactly what I want, you can't knock progress! It is also more helpful than writing because you just set a time limit and say whatever comes to mind. Hearing your own voice really gives you a better feeling of exactly what you were going through in that moment, and a clearer picture in the whole. I have started crying before, and that raw emotion while you are talking with just yourself and the microphone is something that you can really look back on. It can be a tad more stressful, sure, but I find that there is much less pressure as you are just doing and saying whatever you want.
    • ToniTone
      I'm sorry she compelled you to do that. It's not fair... 
    • ToniTone
      I'm not really good about maintaining a journal. But I consider my thread here, Toni's Tale, for that purpose.    ~Toni
    • Jani
      Thank you all for your kind comments.  I did lay low for the better part of the day and evening.  I just got up to get a bite to eat.  When I'm not well I do tend to "forget".  Not good.      Again, thank you.  I'm feeling better already!  Jani
    • secondlook
      I have started a journal within the past week, it's helping me sort through a lot of complex emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I get overly fixated on a single thought and writing it down seems to help. 
    • TammyAnne
      Aiden, that sounds like a good outing. Zoos are good to. Be aware that the penguins smell awful, and it's a smell that you continue to smell the whole time (unlike many things that stink but olfactory fatigue sets in so it doesn't smell so bad). I think most aquariums with dolphins or killer whales do a lot of splashing the audience, so I don't how you feel about that. Could be fun.
    • Susan R
      Sounds like a great first date.  Dining on the first date is nice as you have each other to focus on but if you don’t  know the person then it can feel sort of like an interview getting to know the other person.  Having something else as the focus is great to alleviate any awkward silences during your time together.  The worst first date IMHO is going to a movie where you’re both passive observers with little or no communication until after it’s over.   I think the aquarium idea is good.  If the date is into it, why not? Good Luck, Susan R🌷  
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...