New And Confused

[Guest Mycatstubby]

]Hello all! I'm new to the forums here at Laura's... heck, I'm pretty much new to forums in general. Anyway, I guess I should start with a bit of an introduction before diving into the nitty-gritty. I'm 19 and currently a college student majoring in Eduction. In about a year I plan to transfer to a "four year school" to finish my B.A in English with a concentration in creative writing and then go on to get my M.A in English so I can start teaching English at the college level online from home. What else? Well, I'm legally blind and I have "mild" Cerebral Palsy so I'm unable to drive. I also trilingual; I speak English, Spanish, and German. =)

Anyway, enough with my rambling and life story. This is the first time I've ever really come out about this, so please bare with me. Some part of me feels that I'm transsexual, yet some part of me denies that's even a remote possibility. What do I mean, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate a bit. When I was growing up, I never did ANYTHING masculine. While all of the other male children were playing "cowboys and indians," "Transformers," "super heros," etc. with their friends, I was off to the side avoiding them at all costs playing things like hopscotch, "pretend," jumprope, etc. with all the girls. Ironically, (to me at least) the majority of them accepted me with no problem. This continued to progress through the years. Around age 5-7 I was playing with dolls, Barbies, stuffed animals, etc. By age eight, I wanted to dress as a witch for Halloween (dress and fingernail polish included) and I was the owner of one of those Easy-Bake Ovens. By this time, inside, I knew something about me was different. By age 9 and 10, people started to assume I was homosexual because of how feminine I acted. Between ages 11 through 16, I developed severe depression and anorexia as puberty started to set in. By this point I had repressed my "feminine side" as much as I possibly could. From sixth grade onward I did everything I could to act male, but it eventually got to the point where I couldn't fake how feminine I was and just stopped talking to the majority of people, sat alone at lunch, etc. Sure, I had friends, but they were entirely female. I must say, my last six years of school were no fun whatsoever.

Now that I'm in my college years, I'm starting to question myself again. My current list of "symptoms" if you will include complete mental anguish every time I go out shopping with my mom. Each time I go by the female clothing section, inside I'm crying and screaming like a child because I want to wear those clothes. When I try on and buy male clothing, I feel psychologically miserable... as if I'm being forced to do something that I don't want to do. I also have female friends exclusively... honestly, other than my homophobic father, I don't really think I have any males in my life (not counting my professors). I try on my mom's clothing at night... I've shaved any and all facial hair, the hair from my stomach and underarm hair.... each time it grows back, I feel disgusting and sick.

My question to the community is this: What is wrong with me and why am I like this? I feel like I'm descending into insanity. I want my voice to have the sweet tintinnabulation of a female, I want to wear the frilly shirts and dresses I see in the department stores... I want my body to match my personality... I simply wants answers, nothing more and nothing less.

Any help will be greatly appreciated. Hugs and much love to everyone!! =)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Welcome - and we have had several sight-impaired people here - don't you just hate that term, like it was just a sort of minor detail! And we have all sorts of ailments and conditions with the people on Laura's - gender dysphoria slices through all parts of society and human conditions.

I hear the angst in your introduction.

We all hear you. Nobody here wants to be like we are. We all are trying to get live our lives. It's difficult as hell... and transsexuality mixed with everything else you personally have to face, somehow seems so terribly unfair. If it wasn't so serious, I would say it just SUX.

So when you wrote: "My question to the community is this: What is wrong with me and why am I like this? I feel like I'm descending into insanity. I want my voice to have the sweet tintinnabulation of a female, I want to wear the frilly shirts and dresses I see in the department stores... I want my body to match my personality... I simply wants answers, nothing more and nothing less."

How can we answer?

Well we all have opinions - and I hope you stay and discover these - and become a member who posts - and asks those hard questions - and more - over and over. We are a community. We are a support group. We have an understanding of each other that is not found many other places... certainly not outside the gender dysporic community.

So

What can I say? What is wrong with me and why am I like this? There is nothing wrong with you. You were probably born this way. I don't know why we are like this, perhaps some sort of misdirected hormonal wash in the fetus development phase - some suggest that.

But there are ways to cope, there are options to make a better life.

So stay with us. You are not alone.

Lizzy

[Guest SummerDay]

This topic reminds me of something that happened at school when I was about 10.

I can't remember if it was project or if some girls parents had pulled an heirloom out of mothballs but she gave the class a demo of this Victorian dress. Colour me insanely jealous. When it was hunging on a dummy as a class exhibit everyone had a moments curiosity over it. I remember staring at the thing when the class was empty wishing myself into it.

There was this other time (maybe before?) when some other kid was yapping off about this sex change thing in the news. I can't remember if that was the trigger or something else but I got into this conversation with another kid who was slightly soft in head and was talking about being a girl and somehow put the words in his mouth. The teacher heard what was going on and called me out on it. So I had to admit what was going on and this other poor kid was left admitting he wanted to be a girl and wear clothes clothes. I escaped the major embarrassment by the skin of my teeth and the other kid got ticking off for revealing his personal secrets like that. I don't think he wanted to be a girl at all. I did. I shouldn't laugh that was a terrible thing to do.

Around the same age I was staying over at an older sisters and she thought I'd run out of clean underwear so I got forced into these girls panties protesting every inch of the way. She later found the clean washing in a cupboard and was really apologetic about it. I'm not sure why I objected. I just don't think I liked them and the embarrassment factor.

Got accused by by mother of being a sissy over something. Can't remember what now but I remember back then that things like transgenderism where were just all mixed up in the camp stage and television acts. Women found it hilarious in the same way toughs would bash queers or petrol bomb Paki restaurants. That was hardly the environment to start wearing dresses and wear my hair in pony tails.

I can hardly believe I wrote that lot.

There were no men in my family because they'd all died or lived somewhere else. Men scared me. Most of my contact was with mother and sisters, and female schoolteachers. I don't know if that's got anything to with it. I played outside but was mostly a stay at home kid. I was too wild to fit in with the girls at school and never did manage to get my head around the cool kids. There's a whole lot of other stuff but it's scattering things and a bit tricky to recall right now.

Done the whole praying to God and wishing I could wake up as a girl routine. More than once.

Nnnnn Gaaaaaa uuuuuhhhh. My head.

I wouldn't torture myself walking through the women's section. I get massively embarrassed even if it's just a short cut through the shop. Maybe it's that self-concious fear of being outed thing again? I was reading Cosmo the other night (in the interests of research) and gagged at some of girly graphics in there. Then the next moment I'm pining over fur neck coats and heeled boots, buying translucent pastel shaded cigarette lighters if the shop gets them in stock, and having one friend I shared this transgender thing with (he shared some abuse he's suffered from so I trusted him) nearly die in the mobile phone shop because I liked one phone that was "cute". (I was only messing him around but it *was* cute. Honest.)

Insanity? Oh, yes please. *sob* *bangs head on desk*

[Guest Mycatstubby]

My laptop is about to go belly-up, so I'll try to keep this brief. Is there anyone can I be notified of replies to my posts via email? I must say, so far I'm really enjoying the community here at Laura's. So far you all seem very accepting and welcoming.

Lizzy: Thank you for your welcoming post. It's nice to be able to have a place where I can just be myself... being visual impaired included... without worry or fear. It just feels "weird" to accept that this is how I am. I don't like the term "what I am" when referring to "conditions" like transsexualism. This is HOW we are, not WHAT; we are not "things." I've been through the whole therapy thing (it was free for a semester via my university). The psychologist specialized in marriage and gender issues in her private practice when she wasn't conducting therapy for the university or teaching some of the psychology courses. She told me that after 40 years of being a psychologist, she had never seen anyone like me before... I don't know if this would be considered a good thing or a bad thing. lol

Summer: Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot to have someone open up to me already. Sadly, I have no choice but to go through the women's section. I normally shop at Macy's, Belk, etc. so they have it organized into one giant maze, so avoiding the women's section is basically impossible. =( As to your comment about feeling uncomfortable around men... I feel the same way. To be honest, other men pretty much disgust me. I mean, seriously; how can men belch, get wasted drunk, get filthy dirty and have competitions based on said activities? I personally could never get into the high fives, back slapping, head-butting, etc. It's just like a foreign world to me and I feel like I'm a foreigner trapped in that world with no way out.

[JJ]

Hi

Welcome to Laura's! You've found a great place to be yourself and explore your feelings.

You question why you are like this? The scientific community-including the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association now accept that this is a physical condition we are born with. Our brains developed as one gender while our sexual characteristics developed as another. Studies have, in the last 2 or 3 years, confirmed differences in at least 4 areas of the brain that are gender determined and transsexuals have been shown to have the brains of the gender they identify with rather than that of the biological sex of the rest of their bodies. The why is only postulated for the most part but it is known that changes in the hormonal conditions in the womb can cause this. The sexual characteristics of the body develop at one time and the brain develops at another. Here is a link to a page with a lot of the studies kinked and a synopsis of them: http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

I always believed I was a boy and thought somehow that mistake in my body would be corrected-till I hit puberty. After that I saw myself as a woman outside and a man inside. A woman with a man's brain. All the psychology and aptitude tests I ever took-and I had several over the years for jobs as a social worker etc-fell into the male range. Sadly no one ever realized that meant I was transgendered. Probably because even the term transman hadn't even been invented yet. But basically for you this means that you are a woman with a male body. It affects every part of your life and how you interact with people because you are always being treated wrong in a way. Because your socialization is always at odds with who you really are.

The good news is that you are not a freak, or mentally ill and that you can find a way to live your life that will be good and rewarding. Some people just need to recognize who they are while others like me need to change their bodies to match who they are so they can live as nature has dictated they must to be happy. This can't be denied, not forever, and it can't be willed away any more than you can change any other part of your body by willing it to change. It is who you are.

The first step is to find a gender therapist-it is very important it be a gender therapist because anyone who doesn't specialize in gender therapy is likely to misdiagnose the results of being transsexual as symptoms of something else and you waste money as well as risking psychological harm being treated for something you don't have.

We aren't therapists, but we will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. You are not alone.

Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

I enjoyed your introduction and look forward to your posts!

John

[Guest Krisina]

Welcome to Laura's Mycatstubby

So answers only hmm :-)

There isn't really anything wrong with you apart being maybe sight impaired and having some plumbing issues or as others call it in-congruent gender identity, gender dysphoria.

Depending on what you want to next and on the area you live remote or not and your options.

You may want to see about getting a referral from your doctor to see a gender therapist for gender identity issues and take it from there. That is what I did, asking about seeing someone about going on hormones for gender identity issues.

Look for local support groups to talk to others.

Get more help from here and reading posts etc until you are more comfortable to take the next step.

Krisina

[Guest Tori Y.]

Hello, i'm new her to. I am 17 years old and have been crossdressing for years. I am currently deciding on how I should spend the rest of my life. Anyway i'm sure you will make lots of new friends here.

[Guest SummerDay]

MyCatStubby: It's really cool to read a well formed expressive comment. I wrote more like that until my confidence shattered and the griefers got to me. I'm trying to crawl out of that hole right now. I thrash against it but the discipline of LP and the fact I'm not having to second guess some ape all the time might help with that.

Americans are usually more confident and sociable. That's one big reason why I like posting here instead of the UK TG place. They're too uptight and pink for me - a severe case of over-compensating. I also like some of the subjects and quality of comment on LP. Some of it is 'stop the traffic' good. I might as well be talking Greek over here.

Shops are built like mazes and apes beat their chests because of marketing and hierarchy. Greed and fear.

JJ: I've done psychometric tests and gender tests. I've tended to score androgynous to low-mid male depending on the test and which way I jump on the questions which always seems compromised to me. How much personality, culture, or test bias is involved I don't know and I'm not sure sussing this sort of thing is a 10 minute job. That's assuming a score even matters.

[JJ]

JJ: I've done psychometric tests and gender tests. I've tended to score androgynous to low-mid male depending on the test and which way I jump on the questions which always seems compromised to me. How much personality, culture, or test bias is involved I don't know and I'm not sure sussing this sort of thing is a 10 minute job. That's assuming a score even matters.

The tests were years ago and were more aptitude tests or basic psychology tests-long ones to make sure I was stable enough for the super stressful job I was undertaking-that sort of thing and not gender tests. But uniformly I was told that my scores were typical of a male-not maladjusted or anything just unusual scores for a female. I didn't and don't base my gender identity on them. That goes much further back- I remember feeling angry at having to wear a dress instead of a suit at my 3rd birthday party-the nasty thing was pink and frilly. I had my male name for myself as long as I can remember. But when I discovered what transgender was those test results made sense.

Johnny

[Guest angie]

First,

I would like to welcome you to the Playground new sister.

Second,there are quite a number of us who felt just like

you growing up. So you are not alone here.Third,it is your

innate real gender calling to you to come take your place

when you have those urgings and longings about all things

female.There is nothing wrong that a little therapy can't

help set you on the course to righting this great wrong.

Glad to have you here,and here is where you do belong and

are welcome amongst your peers.By the way sweetie...Have

you thought of what female name you would like,or wish you

had been born with? Once we know,that is how you will be

addressed.For here you can be yourself,your real self,without

fear,for we all accept you for who you are,a girl.

Warmest Hugs of Welcome,

Angelique

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Wow... I must say, it feels amazing to actually be accepted for once in my life and to finally have some answers as to what’s going on in my body. To be perfectly honest, it’s all I can do to type this right now. As soon as I read everyones’ posts, I got butterflies in my stomach and I started crying. I’ve ever reacted like that before.

JJ: I’m glad that there’s a medical explanation for all of this. My Freshman year of college (university for those of you in the UK), I took an “intro to psychology” course and we covered gender and sexuality briefly. Although the professor was just an orderly at the local psych hospital (how this qualified her to teach psych is beyond me), she gave us a “gender test.” The name escapes me at the moment, but it was something like the Something Something Gender Aptitude/Assessment Test. Long story short, I scored female. Was I surprised? No, however I was shocked to discover that I scored the “most female” in the entire class. I’ve also taken several aptitude and career tests for disability related services and they’ve all said I should be doing the “traditionally female” careers. It’d be interesting if someone would do a research project concerning the correlation between aptitude tests and transsexuality. In regard to your comment about feeling upset at having to wear a dress instead of a skirt; there’s a video of me during my first or second birthday party of my older cousin(s) putting a baseball cap on my head. How did I react to this you ask? Well, I took off the baseball cap and threw it at my cousin as hard as I could and started to cry and scream. Apparently all the signs were there when I was young. I just wish my dad hadn’t forced me to act like a man.

Krisina: I hate to say this, but my doctor is your stereotypical “I let the title of doctor go to my head” type of doc. The woman has the “my way or the highway” type of attitude when it comes to care, so getting a referral from her would be like pulling teeth.

Tori: Nice to meet you. Once I get PM enabled feel free to send me a message. I think we’ll get along very well hun.

Summer: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I know exactly what you mean about people in the UK. Last summer I was in London for a couple of days. The “dryness” of the English really got to me for some reason. The accents were awesome though. Anyway, back on topic. In regard to your comment about the shops, over here they are like vultures. If you so as much stop to admire something in the window, they pounce and won’t leave you alone until you buy or just walk out.

Angie: For the longest time, part of me has always known that I was meant to be a girl. I’m so happy I can finally throw off the chain and mask of masculinity and truly be myself. Thank you for the welcome by the way. As for my name... I’d like to go with something that fits my personality and appearance. Personality: I’m generally the sweet, very shy, yet hyper type of girl (think ADHD). As for my appearance: I’m about 5’2, slightly plump in the belly area, very slender arms, legs and hands. Short brown hair and brown eyes. I don’t want to have people say, “oh you don’t look like an Emily, Sarah, or whatever.” I’m open to any and all suggestions.

[Guest SummerDay]

The tests were years ago and were more aptitude tests or basic psychology tests-long ones to make sure I was stable enough for the super stressful job I was undertaking-that sort of thing and not gender tests. But uniformly I was told that my scores were typical of a male-not maladjusted or anything just unusual scores for a female. I didn't and don't base my gender identity on them. That goes much further back- I remember feeling angry at having to wear a dress instead of a suit at my 3rd birthday party-the nasty thing was pink and frilly. I had my male name for myself as long as I can remember. But when I discovered what transgender was those test results made sense.

I get what sort of test you're talking about. I've never done one like you're talking about but I've done industry specific tests and general personal tests. Stacks of them.

I've got a really wired personality which skews things in all directions. Like yourself lots of things now make sense since I learned about that. Some of the discipline and sociable people on LP are helping fill out some of the blanks on my personality grid which is not a bad thing. I fit in with 1-5% of the population. I don't know how that breaks down with gender but of the male and female I've met we seem pretty similar on the surface.

Your story reminds me of this girl at a children's home where a relative worked. We must have been around a similar age to you at the time. It was this bright sunny day and she was wearing this dress and big frilly nickers. It was kind of interesting so she flashed them off as young girls do. I was as curious about those as another girls new school uniform. We're did that come from?

Boys clothes were just clothes. They functioned. I did have a couple of young boys suits and a colourful blazer. I even had a sailors hat and blue shorts. I didn't wear it often but it was good stuff for a three old. All the other boys were just apes by comparison. And I had this teddy bear that my mother had made clothes and everything for it. It was brill. I loved playing with it like a big doll and dressing it up.

I've still got that teddy bear. It's a bit worn and suffered from an attack of the moths which really annoyed me especially as they don't make them like that anymore. I ditched the other stuff in between moves. Had to kick another teddy bear because it was big and I didn't have the space. No idea where my favourite ragdoll or golliwog went. They might have been passed on to a niece and nephew. Funnily enough a black girl I was friends with years later in adult life had a ragdoll and golliwog as well. We had a mutually wistful moment.

*sigh* I loved that ragdoll. Nobody ever gave me any trouble over it but the girlfriends she played with did. How odd is that? fashion has moved on. It's not like anyone remembers ragdolls or approves of golliwogs anymore.

[Guest angie]

I don’t want to have people say, “oh you don’t look like an Emily, Sarah, or whatever.” I’m open to any and all suggestions.

Just think about it,the name you choose to use is very personal and no one else but

your Momma should help suggest a name.Try many until you find the one that fits and

say's "Ahh,this is who I am." You will know.It will feel like this is who you should

have always been,the female name you should have been given at birth.

I used many over the life of my female coming.But once I heard my full name spoken out loud,I knew to the core of my being that this is my true name,and who I have been since.

Hugs and good hunting,

Angelique Michelle,or as most everyone knows me as...Angie

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Just think about it,the name you choose to use is very personal and no one else but

your Momma should help suggest a name.Try many until you find the one that fits and

say's "Ahh,this is who I am." You will know.It will feel like this is who you should

have always been,the female name you should have been given at birth.

I used many over the life of my female coming.But once I heard my full name spoken out loud,I knew to the core of my being that this is my true name,and who I have been since.

Hugs and good hunting,

Angelique Michelle,or as most everyone knows me as...Angie

Angie: I did some research and for some reason, the name Jessica seems to draw me towards it like a radiant light.... gah.. here I go again with my poetic nature. I believe it was either Summer or JJ that mentioned I have a female brain and male body... the more I think about it, the more true that seems. So from now on I'd like to be referred to as Jessica or Jessie (either one is fine with me, I don't really have a preference). By the way, hugs to you too hun. ^.^

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Going waaay up in the posts:

It's just like a foreign world to me and I feel like I'm a foreigner trapped in that world with no way out.

EXACTLY!

Add to that you body INSISTS on going in a direction opposite of what you want?

AUGGGGGGHHH

Lizzy

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome. Glad to see another English major here. Since your laptop is having issues, I will keep this response brief. Hope to see you post and be around once that is resolved.

John

[Guest SummerDay]

Summer: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I know exactly what you mean about people in the UK. Last summer I was in London for a couple of days. The “dryness” of the English really got to me for some reason. The accents were awesome though. Anyway, back on topic. In regard to your comment about the shops, over here they are like vultures. If you so as much stop to admire something in the window, they pounce and won’t leave you alone until you buy or just walk out.

There's times when I feel like a foreigner trapped in the wrong country and why some stars like Elvis Costello have just walked away. The UK has it's pluses and minuses. I know America and American's aren't perfect and this is an involved discussion so I'll leave it there before things head south. On balance I feel happier right now on LP than with the impression I rightly or wrongly get of the other place.

Summer Day was an exercise in branding and I can get really particular about that. Although I like it for what it is I don't know if I'd keep it in real life or go with something else. I've played with a few names and picked some up and dropped them like wine tasting. I'm not committed to anything and this isn't a race so it's not as if doors are closing. Moving on from that there's also other issues like presentation and other peoples perceptions which feed into the bigger package. Authority and how other people might treat me were big issues in the past, and outcome is the really big thing that's been playing in my mind over the past week.

Add to that you body INSISTS on going in a direction opposite of what you want?

This isn't necessarily about ideals of perfection and winning over 100% over the audience but a sum of all the parts: the package. It's impossible to think everything through and know how everyone will react which is why design is ultimately a creative and organic process. You say great things and have a sense of style many people lack. That's got to go a long way to making your package score well.

After reading through the Buddhism forum I thought of katoey. Isn't transgenderism also a spiritual and creative path? Aren't we magicians and artists in some way moulding ourselves like a lump of clay? It doesn't make us better, or special, or unique and the task is never finished until we die but isn't it possible to find something special in there?

[Guest angie]

Angie: I did some research and for some reason, the name Jessica seems to draw me towards it like a radiant light. So from now on I'd like to be referred to as Jessica or Jessie (either one is fine with me, I don't really have a preference).

Well then Jessica it is then sis. And I must say that I do like your chosen name.

Angie

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Going waaay up in the posts:

It's just like a foreign world to me and I feel like I'm a foreigner trapped in that world with no way out.

EXACTLY!

Add to that you body INSISTS on going in a direction opposite of what you want?

AUGGGGGGHHH

Lizzy

I know exactly what you mean! It’s like trying to drive a car that has a mind of its own. We want our bodies to do the opposite of what biology wants when it’s biology that made the mistake. The more I took at my body, the more I ask myself, “Why did I wait so long to admit this to myself and reach out for support?”

Jessie

Welcome. Glad to see another English major here. Since your laptop is having issues, I will keep this response brief. Hope to see you post and be around once that is resolved.

John

Sadly, there aren’t too many English majors out there. Personally, I prefer the writing aspect of the subject. I’ve always been a creative girl that has wanted to create my own world through my stories. I guess that was my psychological response to being transsexual... I enjoy literature as well, but I’m very particular about what I enjoy, especially when it comes to the classics. The laptop is fixed now by the way. I also have access to a main computer, so there shall be no lack of posts from me.

Jessie

Well then Jessica it is then sis. And I must say that I do like your chosen name.

Angie

Thank you Angie. I think it truly fits my personality.

Jessica

[Guest sienna]

Welcome Jessica! There are so many of us here who feel and have felt the same frustrations as you have. There are lovely people here who can help comfort you, give amazing advice, and build your confidence that you are not alone.

Sienna

[Guest Mycatstubby]

Welcome Jessica! There are so many of us here who feel and have felt the same frustrations as you have. There are lovely people here who can help comfort you, give amazing advice, and build your confidence that you are not alone.

Sienna

Sienna,

Thank you for the warm welcome. It feels so wonderful to be around likeminded individuals. I’d like to ask a few questions:

1. Is it possible for me to be emailed whenever someone posts in this thread or replies to any of my posts?

2. Have you ever heard of any male to female individuals (pardon me if I use the incorrect terms, I’m still rather ignorant) having a feminine body naturally along with a female brain, yet are still biologically male? I’ll use myself as an example. I have very slender arms, fingers, legs, etc. along with a fairly feminine face yet I still have the deep voice and male um “plumbing” if you will (both of which I detest). Is it possible that something screwed up biologically? Hopefully you understand what I’m getting at. If not, let me know and I’ll try to elaborate.

3. Where do I go from here in regard to transition?

~Jessie