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JJ

For Those Who Aren't Transitioning

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Guest AshleighP

Thanks all for the helpful advice and encouragement (as always). I guess we never know where life will take us. The only thing I know for sure at this point is I don't really know anything for sure. I am becoming happier and more satisfied with my life as I am able to dress as I want more often with acceptance, or at least tolerance from my wife. Maybe someday I can share the entire "Ashleigh" experience with her, or maybe not. Either way I am happy with who I am right now and I guess that's what is important.

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Guest Stacie Cheyenne

I personally can & do relate to so much, That All of you on this Post have stated & I agree & actually Am Myself - More then a Cross Dresser, Definitely not @ the Moment A full Post op Transsexual Male to Female, But I haven't ruled out that Possibilty for the Future. I have heard over & over take small Step's During, Whatever stage of Transition Your in, If in fact Your In Transition. This Is Why I am so happy with Laura's Playground, There are Those that are Alway's, Helping, Guiding, Assissting & yes Protecting Us. And for ME, I appreciate All that Laura's Playground, Site Administrator's & Moderator's, Do for Me & Us: Thank YOu:

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Guest devida

Thanks for this topic. I have been genderqueer and non binary for most of my life but only recently has the vocabulary been developed that allowed me to understand what I was. Understanding that I am not, at my core, a man though I am MAB, and don't want to become female and that all that is just human was a huge relief. It allowed me to relax what in hindsight looks like amazing aggressiveness. I mean I think that since I stopped identifying as a man I've only had those prototypical male fantasies of just how much hurt I was going to put on someone if they dissed me or challenged me a few times in months instead of five times a day. I really didn't know how much damage I was doing to myself and how much happier I would be if I just stopped trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. As it turns out they didn't think that at all. The vast majority could not care less and the ones close to me always knew that I was weird. I'm old, like Johnny, and it was a terminal diagnosis, thankfully, it turns out not so terminal, that allowed me to look closely at my life and realize I was identifying with the wrong gender and that for me my real gender was Neither. This was terrifically empowering. But when I started wandering around the internets looking for other people like me I found out that there weren't too many and most of the ones who were were two generations younger than me. There are plenty of non op cds but I'm not really a cross dresser even though I wear women's clothes if being a cd means you want to pass as a gender not yours at birth. Oh there are a few academics and a few public figures but being neither fish nor fowl but something in between, as the poet said, I haven't found much. So this topic was lovely to encounter. Thanks again.

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Guest kristendk

Devida,

That's an interesting comment. Until your post, it never occurred to me that anyone would consider passing to be a requirement to be a CD. Perhaps I've been mistaken all this time, but I've always assumed there's a significant percentage of CDs who are happy to dress privately at home and have no interest in going out nor concerns about passing.

Kristen

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Guest devida

Hi Kirsten: I think that's true, probably the majority of cds just want to dress at home and never want to pass in public. I was, inexpertly, trying to say that there are people like me who are not ever trying to pass as male or female, publicly or privately. Rather, they want to express a certain place on the gender spectrum between male and female but not actually moving towards one or away from another. My limited experience with cds is that even at home, even if never in public, what they want, for a certain amount of time, is to be the opposite gender than what they have biologically. I don't. I am perfectly content with my biology. I just don't agree with my assigned gender. That does not appear to be common but I do think that I cannot be that unique, although I might be rare in my age group. I do understand the confusion that gender fluidity causes to binary people and I'm not demanding special pronouns because I think that the structure of language is so gendered that this is an incredible chore. I'm just saying that gender identity may be as unique as the individual and that there is always a tendency to want to assign one or the other, male or female. So I find that even with cds, who are most like me because they are mostly male and mostly like to wear some or completely women's clothes there is still a tendency to think they are transitioning to becoming women, in appearance if not in anatomy. Of course I am making general statements and there are many,, many variations.

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gennee

I originally thought I would be a cross dresser who dressed in private. I later discovered that my feeling ran much deeper. later went out in public, first with a group then on my own. It was a eye opening moment for me in that I felt so natural dressed in women's clothing. Another moment came when I researched the word 'transgender'. It connected me right away. Right then I knew that I was a transgender woman.

I have thought about surgery but am not going to do it because I'm comfortable where I am. We all have our own comfort levels. If one feels they need to transition, then do so. I support and applaud you on your decision. The important point is you are doing some thing to make your life better.

Though I'm not going to transition, I haven't closed the door either. Many of us have learned is that gender fluidity is not stationary or predictable.

:)

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Guest SamIThinkIAm

I've accepted that I'm a boy androgyne----both 'male' and 'neither/both'.

That said, do I plan on hormones or any sort of surgery? Probably not, or perhaps not long-term.

I value my life too much and have been too traumatized medically to do that, I'm not good with shots in the dark and the truth is we don't know what the effects of the HRT on bodies long-term.

The plan for me is to push my biological body as far as I can towards looking as I should look without it or surgery.

After that, we'll see if that's not enough for me.

The other thing for me is I could never be stealth---I hate lying and I hate feeling like I've got something to hide. I am what I am and part of that experience has been having 'female' reproductive organs and all the things that go with that.

I am transgendered but not transsexual. Never have been.

Early on in this journey I felt like I had to be FTM. I fought and was terrified of the 'girly parts of me' as if they proved I was faking it. I was being pushed into a 'manhood' I didn't want and at the very least wasn't ready for. But it was like those were the options---womanhood or manhood. When really, I've always been outside the binary. I'm still just a boy and just growing into my boyhood, manhood terrifies the hell out of me.

I don't want to be just another straight cisgender male.

I'm not that, and that's putting on one set of shackles, forced behaviour, expectations and etc in favour of my current burden.

I will always be out, visible and proud. I'm not asking for permission to blend into one of the pre-exisiting boxes, but to be myself and be a reminder that not everyone fits into boxes and to fight for the right to be, do, live and be accepted as I am. I hate that sometimes the public (and people who are questioning) believe that trans* only really means MTF and FTM transsexuals. It bothers me that sometimes I see young FTM's and MTF's trying to hide, destroy or deny those 'parts of themselves that don't fit' like if they don't then they aren't 'really trans'. Screw that.

I hate that people have to omit, lie and fake things in order to get help/therapy because of course the current psychiatric ideals is no, no true FTM would ever paint his nails.

I'm a boy. I am also a boy who likes 'girly' things, who doesn't want a big hairy man body or large male bits, and yes, I am submissive and sweet (mostly :P). I crave an androgynous body, with bits and pieces of both---yet more male than anything.

It took me a long time to realize that being/liking those things didn't make me a girl. Heck, I DON'T like painting my nails now precisely because my hands are too small and 'girly'.

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tracy_j

I think it's very starnge at times being androgyne. I tend to forget what sex I am and have to think - am I male thinking about female or female thinking about male! Mostly it does not matter and I am happy.

I would agree with much of what you say Sam (hope you don't mind the sortening of your name). I prefer to be very feminine and endeavour to that direction with shaving, plucked eyebrows etc but I cannot ever see myself having surgery. Male bits or female - just don't matter in that way. The point is to have a body that is good and a mind that feels in harmony

Tracy

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Guest crocsrule4

I decided a long time ago I would not transition though I had truly considered it and took hormones in the past.

I feel who I am is not dependant on the outside at all and just love and express the qualities of being female I love in

my everyday life. I still love the freedom to live the dream physically in the bedroom and having my GF love me for it

means everything. I can say I love being the unique combo of male/female and try to appreciate both sides of me.

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Guest thevaliantx

I don't fit in here well at all because, it seems, none of my situation is applicable to others, and I don't articulate myself well (or engagingly) at all. Most do not 'get' why someone would have to stop HRT, and I have sensed (particularly in the live chat) folks taking me as less-than-serious, or some how "less trans" or not trans at all. It hurts, and they don't realize that while they're further along in their journey than I am, they're still alone without my voice.

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Guest JayGray

I'm only going to partially transition. I'm going to start on HRT soon, but I have no intention of undergoing SRS. I want others to see me as female. I want the mental effects of estrogen and no more of the testosterone's effects. If I can manage it, I want electrolysis and possibly some minor facial feminization surgery, but only if I'm doing well financially.

It does make me worry that I'm "less trans".

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Carolyn Marie
.

It does make me worry that I'm "less trans".

Jay, please don't fall for that nonsense. There is no "less" or "more" trans, no less or more authentic. There is only what your needs are, and whatever you feel is necessary to meet your needs. We are all individuals, and what is important for one person doesn't apply to anyone else. You should never feel pressured to be something or someone you are not, or to do something that you don't want to do.

I have not had GRS, and don't intend to. I am just as "authentic" as anyone else, whether they have or haven't had GRS.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest Razilee

I haven't posted much or in a long time, but I fnd this IS the place to come when you feel alone with no place to go. With the gender dysphoria hitting me strong I just want to the be in a different body. You comments however have me rethinking my definition of transitioning and wanting to work on the interior changes. Thank you.

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Guest

I've signed up for several CD/Trans sites and feel the most comfortable here. I've quit all but one of the other sites due to rude people and in some cases, full transitioned people on those sites treating CD poorly.

Thank you, Lauras-Playground...

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Guest Cyd

Thank you, Johnny, for starting this topic way back when, and thank you to all of you who have shared your stories. I am 49 and finally discovering myself as non-binary-gendered, and I'm so thankful for this forum--I have felt supported and welcomed from the beginning.

Although I can't imagine ever doing surgery, and T seems almost equally unlikely for me for various reasons, I am nevertheless in a state of transition. Others' comments, above, about interior transitioning were so right-on. It is about discovering my truest self, and living as that self in the wider world. It isn't about passing, but about being authentic. And the closer I lean towards male, the more authentic I feel--and, interestingly, the more often I am perceived as male, even with only minimal outward effort at "maleness." When I see myself accurately, others are more likely to see me accurately, too.

I may never get to live as a man 100% of the time...but I remind myself frequently to enjoy the journey and not worry so much about whether there is a final destination. The journey is about discovering myself and honoring my own validity just as I honor other people's self-discovery and right to be who they are. And so far, in addition to a handful of treasured friends IRL who accept me as I am, I have found the most complete support and acceptance right here on Laura's. This truly is a sanctuary for all of us on the differently-gendered spectrum.

-Cyd

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Guest LizMarie

Some choose not to transition, but we should never rigidly lock ourselves into a choice. If we change our minds later, then go ahead. It's ok. There are people who transition and then choose to detransition. There are people who begin transition, then stop. There are people who begin, stop, then transition finally later.

No one should ever give another person grief over their choice to not transition, or to transition. For each of us, finding what is right for us as individuals may require making mistakes, stepping back, restarting, etc. There's no shame in that. That's just part of being human. :) And there's no shame in changing our minds.

The important thing is to find what works for you, what allows you to be happy and to live a fulfilling life.

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Guest Nick

Right now, I feel like all the physical transitioning I'd like to do is get top surgery, but I'm still not sure about that.

What would my family think? Would I regret it at all? (Even though I know I'd love for my chest to be flat) Would there be any complications?

I'm not sure why, but I feel like I don't really want/need to go on T. Maybe I'll want to in the future, but I don't know.

That's just how I feel.

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Guest Faith gibson

I hope you are still following this post JJ. I thank you even though you made these comments 3 years ago.

Not everyone can transition, it doesn't really matter their reason. I was very upset here in LP a couple of weeks ago because I felt that there were a couple of individuals, who post lots, that implied that because people like I didn't leave the same tracks in the mud as they, we must therefore be on the wrong path. I am fighting these feelings of rejection daily. It hurt because I am already being rejected by a large part of society and needed the support of this group which comprises of people that feel similar to I.

I am looking at hormones now. But I am doing it hesitantly. If I could only not go that route, things would be so much better for the people I care about.

Regardless of what I do, I am legitimately a person experiencing extreme dysphoria and depression. I know I sound naive sometimes and am a very emotional person. I am also a very caring and generous person in that I do not impose my beliefs on anyone else. I respect even those that will not accept my path.

Thank you for your 3 year old post and I wish would have read it earlier.

Faith

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Guest Mickey

I'd first like to say that I whole heartedly agree with everything that Johnny said in his original post. Secondly, I am glad this post was brought back to life for us to see it again.

It is very important for those here to remember that gender is not a binary, even for trans folks. This thing called gender is a broad spectrum, with no individuals occupying the same space on the spectrum. Some of us are suffering, and suffering a lot. In quite a bit of pain, with very little, if any, relief. Some of us are living happy lives, the lives we dreamed of as children, and tend to think that what ever way we got there, that others must do the same, if they want to be happy. That is not the case, nor will it ever be. No persons path is the same as another persons path. Each one of us must walk our own path. Some are littered with painful experiences, other not so much. But we are ALL human beings, we all bleed the same when pricked. We must all lift each other up as we are able. Only in doing this will we be able to climb the mountain before us.

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Guest Sarah23510

So true that not everyone can transition...some friends tell me to just do what makes me happy but there are others involved. Were I young and unencumbered by family, life, work it would be so much easier but now it is a matter of finding the balance that allows the woman I know I am to coexist with the man I have become.

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Guest trudy

I know that the original post was in 2011, but I feel compelled to add my 2 cents, as I do feel comfortable here, but I really haven't found someone who is going through or has gone through what I feel, although I know they have, I just haven't felt as though I have connected with them yet, and I also know that if I just keep posting and reading I will. I have felt that I was female since age 9, and being born into a homophobic family, without information on trangendered people, without the knowledge, most people when I was a kid was either gay or straight. If you dressed feminine most people just assumed you were gay. My Dad, gone now 15 years, bless is heart, I know made a comment that hurt me bad when I was a kid, but I loved him so much, and I respected him, I felt compelled to be as he chose. He said he wasn't going to have a queer for a son, but I know he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. In his day, men were men and women were women, it was black and white, and their was no grey area. Well people that live that way are closed minded, and the sad thing is, people still teach their children that way, and in my humble opinion, that is just wrong. I know I'm trans- something, I know that I'm feminine, and I now I prefer a dress over square jeans any day of the week. I also know that God gave me this body, I love my wife and kids, and I plan no reconstruction on what my mother birthed and God made me to be. I pierced both of my ears 5 times, and I did it all in mens clothes, and back then, my SO supported me to do so. She also use to support my dressing, which she doesn't a lot now, but we had a discussion recently, and I told her my desires, but I've not gotten any response from her. I know I've moved from the point, but I just want everyone to know that I feel really comfortable here, and know before long I will find that special someone here that can relate to my situation, and we will become friends, and share the transitions we are going through, hence meaning girlfriends that can share any intimate details about life, transition, how they are dealing with their SO, and have the interested in being besties so to speak. I'm not talking sexual friends, but intimate discussion type friendship. I know we are all different here, but if we were all the same, we wouldn't come here, what would be the purpose, to share identical situations. Yeah right. Thank God we are all different, it makes life worth living.

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Gianna

Thanks for those kind words. As someone who is trying to be as feminine as possible without the transition, I have found this a place of incredible knowledge and inspiration. 

It can be overwhelming trying to learn all the aspects of being a woman after spending my entire life as a man. I am becoming a woman from the inside and I feels better and I see myself differently every day. Coming here and reading the advise and the tips has been incredibly liberating to me.

It makes a difference!

Love

G

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Robin

I too, found this post extremely helpful. 

 

Being at the very early stages of sorting out my identity can be very daunting.  The are always the worries that I may just be imagining everything, and there is no way of proving that I am serious.  I have no idea what will be necessary for me to be comfortable with who I am.

 

People often say "just be yourself and you will be fine".  It sounds easy when you say it like that!!!!

 

Robin.

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Jani

I'm glad to hear you have found this post and this site beneficial.  There really are a lot of special people here!   We've all been where you are or are on the same journey.  You are not alone. 

 

Jani

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Tessa

I am struggling to find who I am right now. I love the idea of being wanted and loved and I feel I can only get this if I’m a woman.  This might be the wrong way to feel but it is how my mind feels. When I’m lonely I seem to move into my fantasy world we’re I’m Tessa. I bring her alive by wearing the clothes and feelings rush in and a sense that all is well in the world comes over me. When I brake out of the imaginary bubble hurt is still there. Divorced, Alone, Ok Job.  I am seeking professional help to get a handle on these feelings. I think it’s time I deal with them. 

I know regardless if I transition or not the female in me will always be there. I have to learn how to let Tessa out and enjoy that feminine side in me. My road is long but with right help I can make it. I want people to see me as beautiful in whatever skin and body I’m in. The amazing thing is I can cheer myself up but later in the night the darkness is back haunting me. I failed my marriage and my ex hates me. She cut off all effection for years and I loved unloved and unwanted. I was only there for my children. When your refused so much love is it even possible to feel again from an actual person. Hugs are strange to me. The love I give to myself is greater than the love I could ever receive. But is it ok to go into that imaginary world? I know I’m safe there. 

 

Love 

 

Tessa

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  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      I had a lot of dysphoria, I was in depression, gone trough lot of abuse that earned me a PTSD. Although I'm happy that I had the past I had because it made the woman I am today (I wouldn't exchange my past for any past because it's making me a pretty damn cool transgender woman, does it make any sense?) it also wrecked havoc on my life. I've been in depression from 12 until 32 and barelly had the energy to go to school and do stuff, lol I was really bad to play my role as him and never succeeded in doing cool stuff as him.  I was an hermit and dysfonctionnal so to me he's in the past and I don't want to have anything to do with that name again and I certainly to want people to know that name if I can help it because I don't want to give people an excuse to misgender me or anything.   I understand what Sara and Shawna are saying and it's an excellent example of each story being different. To me hearing other stories is very cool and fascinating.   but yeah, to me it's a dead name and since he spent 20 years of his life wanting to kill himself it's quite fitting, lol It's weirdly appropriate since I waited since I was on the bottom of the barrel to come out.   I tend to see anything hermit, closed off, depressed, suicidal, dysfonctionnal, social armor as him in my mind and everything that has to do with the emancipated me as Marie even if that positive thing poped up at 10 years old. I found Marie as a name at something like 7 or 8 so and always added it in my initials so yeah... that's my little story about that topic.
    • SaraAW
      Very nice!
    • SaraAW
      Welcome to the site. I tried several different names until I found the one that resonated. Try them all out. If you have some allies or a therapist, get them to help you rest them. It may help to hear the name coming from other people’s mouths.  Keep at it and you’ll find you.     *hugs*
    • SaraAW
      My wife has said similar things regarding us. How she married a man, she doesn’t want a lesbian relationship. We are still currently together. I am hoping by slowing things down a bit and giving her time to accept and understand I’m still me, we will remain together. Only time will tell. I hope the best for you.    *hugs*
    • SaraAW
      I feel similar to Shawna, in that I don’t hate my birth name. I’m even going to incorporate it as a middle name, with a little feminization.    I wonder if some of the dislike for a previous name stems from issues that happened while using that name. I had a pretty good upbringing, despite having some mild dysphoria over the years. I would totally understand not wanting a name that was associated with severe pain from bad dysphoria or some sort of social/physical trauma.    I even know some cis people who just didn’t like their name and changed it.    As for my signature, I don’t get to practice much, as I’m still in full stealth. I write quickly and messily, my birth name signature being very doctor scribble like. I’m trying some different quick flowy ones and some slow deliberate almost printed ones. Not sure where I’m going to settle yet. They all still feel really weird right now.    *hugs*
    • Astrid
      I'll add yet another affirmation to the benefits of a competent and experienced gender therapist.  The first gender therapist may not feel like the right fit, as well, so keep in mind that you're free to discontinue at any time and try working with another.   A resource that I found helpful is How to Understand Your Gender, A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker, 2017).  Lots of exercises that will get you thinking about many different aspects of gender.     Finally, don't expect your gender therapist to listen for awhile, and then pronounce you to be a particular gender orientation. That's for you to work at and arrive at an informed opinion....which may, over time, adjust.  You'll find, reading over the many stories here in the Forums, that many of us have done just that during our journeys.   Good luck and best wishes!   Astrid
    • Jackie C.
      I think I get what you're saying here. I don't really feel it because my dead name was pretty unpleasant. He's still in here somewhere, but he's not doing the heavy lifting anymore. Everyone is happier for it. Well, almost everyone. Still no love from my egg donor. I don't really expect that to change though. That would be like admitting she's wrong and that's not happening.   I don't know what the procedure in Vermont is for changing your name legally on all the appropriate documents, but after doing all that... well, working on doing all that. I have a couple more to go... you might feel differently. I'm spending time and money to get all these little details right and it still makes me smile every time I see my name in print or on a display.   Re-learning to write and sign my name was kind of a trip though. Back in the 90's it sort of degraded into a squiggly smear. It's still not great but I'm working on making it a bit more appropriate. It's a little out of character for me because otherwise my handwriting is immaculate. I totally write like a girl.   I don't know about ANYTHING you want. I try to get people to avoid stripper names. Nobody REALLY wants a name like Starlight or <insert brand of champagne>. Unless you really, really do in which case, well... you do you. I'm a big advocate for trying to fit in though.   Hugs!
    • Astrid
      Thanks, Jani!  That's exactly the kind of feedback that I was hoping to hear, and the result I hope to achieve ==> HRT (Head Relief Therapy) 😎   With gratitude,   Astrid
    • lauraincolumbia
      I agree with ShawnaLeigh, you should see a gender therapist to help you figure things out. I do recommend a gender therapist, as I've been seeing a regular therapist for several years, but still have many open questions.  Its a question of focus, rather than competence....
    • MaryMary
      You know what's funny? I have so much dysphoria that I feel I look ugly. So probably I could say the same thing if you share an image.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      So I had this conversation with my therapist about this question and told him it bothers me considering my given name as a Dead Name.  A name that represents who I was practically my entire life and the persona of my life's experience and knowledge.  I feel like says its my Dead Name signifies I am killing that part of myself off. To me anyways.  A part I still like to some degree.  A part I need to help the women inside bloom and grow and be strong when times are tough and believe me times are tough for me lately. I prefer to call my male persona name a Birth Name.  Simply that's what it is.  A name given to me at birth by my parents. Plus there is no killing. LOL   I love to fact I get to choose my own female name.  Anything I want.   However I made a significant observation the other day. I have been signing my name as Shawna my whole life.  Signing anything legal or checks or whatever.  I always signed my name first name, middle initial, last name that all bunched together in a scribing mess.  However Shawn A. is what you would see before it turned into a scribe towards my last name.  LOL Like I have been telling myself my whole life who I am inside. Or I just reading into it to much.  LOL    
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is great news.  It seems given enough time most people will come around or at least understand.  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I'm transitioning MTF and I still love to hunt, fish, icefish, go camping, get muddy on my ATV, shooting archery and guns.    So yes.  If you still like female typical interests you can be a guy. Why not? JMO
    • lauraincolumbia
      Congrats Astrid!   Fenway?  I used to know a girl that worked at Fenway.  Unfortunately, she passed away, but I never heard from what.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Well I'm still in my confusion/discovery part of myself so I am hesitant to lay a label on anyone.  I can see you feel a lot like I do/did in my earlier years.  Born male and being attracted to females was a big thing for me because I felt female inside but played my male role my entire life.   I'm going toward transitioning to female just now at age 52, in the early stages still, though I am still only attracted to women even though I am becoming one myself. Having a strong sexual connection to your confusion is not uncommon.  It is a sexual change you desire it sounds like.  Going from one sex to the other is a sexual change and it is not unreasonable to feel sexual stimulation when contemplating it or acting on it.  JMO Saying that you are bisexual reinforces this to me. All I can suggest is what I was told and that is to try and see a gender therapist and see what he/she says.  I can tell you it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have meaning and I am valid.  Not broken or need to be fixed. 
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