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Josie Beth

It’s ok to go there. I have similar thoughts and experiences. All my relationships with women as a male failed, probably because even they knew that I was different and not being my true self. Now that I’m discovering myself again I don’t seek having a relationship with anyone yet but I can more honestly imagine myself with a good man in a committed relationship. I’ve always been more suited to that role even though I tried to deny it. I’m more emotional and intuitive, I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, and I’ve always been more submissive to a certain point than any of my peers. I get along better with women as friends rather than as partners. If I look back at all the subtle and not so subtle comments over the years that I’ve ignored it all makes more sense now. “You walk like a girl” so I worked hard to change that. “Your parts look glued on like your a girl”. “You’re acting like a girl, guys don’t care about if a partner is not paying attention to them”. “That’s a chick flick!” “You don’t watch sports?” “Only a woman would wear a shirt like that!” And so on. It’s easier to see now than it was at the time but it makes a lot of sense. I used to react to all this by crying alone and turning the hurt into a mask by learning masculinity. It was forced and people often saw through it after a while. Now I’m not trying to hide behind the mask anymore.

 

We all have different coping methods and some of them are destructive because they are not honest or healthy. Dressing and feeling like your true self is perfectly fine because it’s an honest expression. Even if you are not ready to show it to the world, it’s a step. It’s actually an escape to reality.

 

If it makes you feel safe and closer to love then by all means continue and enjoy being comfortable in your dress and in your dreams. 

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Tessa

Thank you. Tonight I told my bi sexual male friend at one time I had feelings for him. I had to say it. I told him I just want to be friends and he’s ok with that. He said he was flattered He told me he had an idea this was going on. I guess what attracted me to him is he listens and pays attention to me and has never judged me. I could of kept this effection secret. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? We will remain friends. I have 2 friends. My bi sexual one and another straight man. I can only reveal my secrets to my bi sexual male friend. I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! I just want someone to love me! Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.  I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out. Just venting it helps. 

 

Tessa

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Josie Beth

There’s no right or wrong way to express your feminine side. For years I struggled with who I was and flirted with feminine feelings only to lock them away for years because of externally induced shame. Since then I’ve grown to accept who I am and not suppress my feminine feelings. It’s liberating and I don’t care anymore if people figure it out. 

 

Don’t stress about whether or not you are ready to be or do certain things. Not beating yourself up may take some time. 

 

It’s a good idea to find a therapist to work on some of these thoughts and feelings about yourself and what your needs are. Even if it’s just someone who will listen and just go through it with you. It will help to sort everything out. 

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Terry
Quote

I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! ... Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? ... I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out.

 

This is more or less what gender / gender dysphoria feels to me. It's quite overwhelming, but at some point you get used to the feeling. In my case it was strong enough to force me to give it some attention, and now that I'm actively dealing with it it's more relaxed. This community has helped me a lot to find my way in that direction.

 

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I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.

 

Well, the itching is just an indication that you might need to rethink your shaving technique. It's something that can be solved easily. The real question is does it make you feel more at ease with yourself?

 

When I first shaved my body hair (before I even realised I'm on the trans spectrum) I gave up on it pretty quickly mainly because it seemed so much fuss. But when gender dysphoria hit me like a hammer it was one of the first things I started doing and it made all the difference in the world. I gradually extended it to all body hair and now I keep shaving all body hair. Especially shaving the armpits turned out to be rather important, because it's very uncommon for men, so it's something that reminds me I'm not a man when I wake up in the morning. And being reminded of who you really are in a positive way like this feels amazing.

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Tessa

It’s not itching anymore. I put some butter cream on it. I might try shaving it again I don’t know? I shave my legs though with out any irritation. I haven’t done my armpits though. I also have a gotee. But I don’t like my face. I’m so torn between both sides. I want to be loved but I don’t feel anyone would want me. I’m not attractive as a man so I don’t think I would be attractive as a woman either. I’m sorry this is how I feel.  I revealed that I had feelings for my bi sexual male friend last night. But now I wish I wouldn’t have. We’re still friends but it’s just weird. I just posted a poem Fallen Rose. Let me know what you think of it? I think for now I’ll just stick with shaving my legs. 

 

Tessa

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Robin

I have devoted most of my life to trying to make myself feel loved and valued.  So far, this massive effort has had the opposite effect.  I have constantly tried to please other people, and I feel guilty when I do things that are purely for my enjoyment.

 

I have realised that I must direct my energy into things that make me happy.  If I spend all of my time chasing the end of the rainbow, I will never succeed, and I will always feel unfulfilled.

 

Robin.

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Overalls Bear

I shave my entire body (except for the hair on top of my head & my eyebrows, of course) everyday. I use an electric shaver. It is a bit of a chore & it's not an absolutely perfect job. (My dream would be to have a body that is as smooth as a baby's.) But since I no longer work I have the time. And I have found that, over time, all of the time I spend on personal grooming (which is seriously more than most males would spend) has become something of a grounding technique for me helping to relieve my ever-present anxiety.

 

There may come a time when I simply can't do all  of this shaving anymore. But for as long as I can, I expect I will. I have tried to stop a couple of times. But I just couldn't tolerate the result. I also use body lotion daily. I use a powder-scented deodorant... and baby powder. To be honest I'm not sure if all of this is being driven by my gender dysphoria or my ABDL propensities. Probably it's both because the two have been intertwined for me for many decades. I will never be able to transition...too old... too mentally fragile... & too physically worn down. (Plus I have my wife to consider.) But doing these few grooming things does help me to feel at least a bit closer to that other person who is hidden deep inside. 

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  • Posts

    • Jackie C.
      I agree completely. It's why I always try to encourage people in a relationship to communicate. Successful relationships have compromises. Not doing things alone is kind of the whole point in being in a relationship, right?   Hugs! 
    • Ka
      I understand. My spouse just made the step to take T, and I was surprised by it. There were quite a few parts in his journey/thought process/decision that I wasn’t included in, and it caught me unaware. If I had been included, I feel that it would have been smoother for me. Or at least I could have been eased into it and gotten used to the idea of it before it actually happened. What I’m relating to with you is that it’s hard to be in a different place in the process than a spouse. It feels like my spouse is speeding along full speed ahead, but really I just didn’t know all the background work that he did to get him to this place. Now I feel behind in my process and like I have to catch up. 
    • KathyLauren
      Hi, Ka, and welcome.   I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, but glad that you are trying to be accepting.  It is a tough journey for the spouses of trans people.  I hope you are looking for support to help you cope, because you have a transition thrust upon you, and you are right that you can't hold it all in.   I do think it is uncool that your spouse didn't share with you his intention to start on T.  We have to include our spouses in our journey.  It is the price of support.  Keeping the relationship together through the stresses of a transition requires good communication both ways.  I know that my wife would never have forgiven me if I had started my transition without telling her.   Do talk with other spouses if you get the chance.  I know it helped my wife to understand what was going on with me and to accept it.   Regards, Kathy
    • Astrid
      Ka, you're post was heartfelt and difficult, emotionally, to read.  It took courage to write it.    I will say that the best thing I did was to involve my spouse immediately after coming out.  From the second session on of gender therapy, we attended all sessions together, which was as helpful for me as for her.    So, if further therapy is a possibility, then I would urge that it involve you both.   Hugs,   Astrid
    • MaryMary
      "the biggest trap is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second thing in my opnion is to have empathy" sorry for the mistakes
    • MaryMary
      It's a process. You have to give you time and space to "transition" so to speak. I noticed IRL and in my experience that someone near to transgender people go trough a period of mourning and transition themselves. I think that it's a healthy reflex to give yourself the right to process the news. It will not switch on/off overnight and you are not alone going trough that.   Often we think when we are about to make our coming out that we are alone in this. I know that I was thinking that myself when starting the process. It was actually a surprise to see the amount of support I had. It's a very personnal process a transition and also frought with fear, taboo and apprehension. I don't know him but my guess is that maybe it was emotions such as fear that made him do all of this without speaking about it with others that much.   I think it start with giving yourself the time, the biggest time is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second think in my opnion is to have empathy and show him you are here for him. Maybe it will reduce the fear and help and when he'll be ready then he will open up more.   anyway, I hope what I said was of some help. It's a huge thing you did just coming here and writing this. I think it's already an amazing thing you did. Keep it up    
    • Ka
      Two casuals shows that we enjoyed recently with trans characters are Tales of the City and Work in Progress. I say casual to mean that the whole show isn’t centered around the trans characters’ identities. 
    • ElizabethStar
      I've found myself rethinking my hobbies. I feel a lot of my little projects were nothing more than distractions. I didn't want to come to terms with who I am so I found things to do that I could/would never finish. I have a jacket I had been putting chain mail on, taking off, re-arranging, staring at, remaking over an over for literally 20 years (it wasn't the only thing I made though). I kept telling myself "it's art, it's never done". Than in July, 3 years ago, Around the time I finished it my whole world started to change. I realized I had spent a lifetime sitting at a table with tools in my hands, drinking coffee and not actually living as myself. I just needed to get that out.
    • Shay
      Good idea - calling government or banks or institutions - I'll give it a try and tell you how it goes. Thanks
    • MaryMary
      For me it moved from "he" to "her" at some point without me totally understanding why exactly. One thing to keep in mind is that many people who work in public job will actually be thoughtful and avoid using those pronouns if they are not sure. Maybe that's what you are experiencing. Maybe your voice is now in the "androgynous" range and people are more careful?   It's funny because in french it's very much part of a certain "etiquette". I found out that if I call in more serious institutions like banks or government  they tend to call people "madame" or "monsieur". I don't know if it's like that in the usa? Maybe try that, try calling a bank, lol   anyway, good luck in your quest
    • Shay
      drum roll please......introducing the all new and improved....Kylie....
    • Shay
      I posted a request on the "achieving Feminine Voice" but I got no responses - I wanted to test my progress on my voice feminization exercises and making random calls to some stores and  a hair salon to see if they think I am female from my voice on the phone. I tried but no one used ma'am or any language to let me know if they thought I was female. I even tried a hair salon and said I'd have to check with my husband about taking me and that didn't work either.   Any experience and how you used phrases or something to draw out if they thought you were a girl?   Thank You,   Shay    
    • Ka
      Hello -   Scanning through the recent posts, I can see I’m in good company.    So. My spouse started identifying as trans last winter - in identity, name and pronouns. He’s already had a double mastectomy for other reasons - and no replacements - and masculine/male clothing came before that.    I just didn’t realize he actually wanted to take T. He went through the thought process, decision, doctor appointment and decision with the doctor without telling me. The prescription was sent to the pharmacy before I knew, and the injection was the next day after he told me. That was a week and a half ago, so there has been a second injection too.    I feel really down on myself for struggling with it all. I feel like I should have realized it was coming and that I should be more at ease with it, because he’s so far along already. I’m determined not to be someone who impedes someone else’s self and happiness. So I try not to talk about my difficulties too much. Then I blurt something out because I’ve stuffed my feelings in and they can’t stay there.    I believe I would be connected with and attracted to him if I met him after transition, but how do you go through letting go of parts of the person you chose before transition?  How do you deal with a difference in the face of someone you’re used to looking at so often?  How do you accept being left out of the process that got him to this point?   Ka
    • Leah
      Me too, Kay. I live alone now, and due to Covid, I'm dressing femme most of every day and night. It has evolved from a turn on to  a habitual and natural part of my normal routine. The thought of HRT has crossed my mind, but at 76 with the entire list of Covid-adverse medical conditions, I doubt they'd Rx it. I'd like to experience the shifts in emotional outlook they talk about. To me, being in a more feminine frame of mind sounds very mellow. My big question is whether these feelings will continue evolving toward increasing femininity, or do they plateau and become my default status quo? Continuing evolution would be good, but the hassles that seem to come with transitioning sound daunting.
    • Confusedconfusedconfused
      100%. I don't feel any rush to make big decisions. I'm seeing a gender specialist now and my first step was to ask my closest friends to refer to me as he/him and Jude. Nothing further until I gain more knowledge and experience.   What you said about rotating, I identify with that a lot. Since having my first realization and beginning to dress like a man (as much as I can right now), I feel my true self coming forward while the parts of me that were "a facade" for lack of a better word, are being pushed back.   Thanks so much for your response. It made things a lot clearer.
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