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Josie Beth

It’s ok to go there. I have similar thoughts and experiences. All my relationships with women as a male failed, probably because even they knew that I was different and not being my true self. Now that I’m discovering myself again I don’t seek having a relationship with anyone yet but I can more honestly imagine myself with a good man in a committed relationship. I’ve always been more suited to that role even though I tried to deny it. I’m more emotional and intuitive, I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, and I’ve always been more submissive to a certain point than any of my peers. I get along better with women as friends rather than as partners. If I look back at all the subtle and not so subtle comments over the years that I’ve ignored it all makes more sense now. “You walk like a girl” so I worked hard to change that. “Your parts look glued on like your a girl”. “You’re acting like a girl, guys don’t care about if a partner is not paying attention to them”. “That’s a chick flick!” “You don’t watch sports?” “Only a woman would wear a shirt like that!” And so on. It’s easier to see now than it was at the time but it makes a lot of sense. I used to react to all this by crying alone and turning the hurt into a mask by learning masculinity. It was forced and people often saw through it after a while. Now I’m not trying to hide behind the mask anymore.

 

We all have different coping methods and some of them are destructive because they are not honest or healthy. Dressing and feeling like your true self is perfectly fine because it’s an honest expression. Even if you are not ready to show it to the world, it’s a step. It’s actually an escape to reality.

 

If it makes you feel safe and closer to love then by all means continue and enjoy being comfortable in your dress and in your dreams. 

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Tessa

Thank you. Tonight I told my bi sexual male friend at one time I had feelings for him. I had to say it. I told him I just want to be friends and he’s ok with that. He said he was flattered He told me he had an idea this was going on. I guess what attracted me to him is he listens and pays attention to me and has never judged me. I could of kept this effection secret. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? We will remain friends. I have 2 friends. My bi sexual one and another straight man. I can only reveal my secrets to my bi sexual male friend. I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! I just want someone to love me! Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.  I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out. Just venting it helps. 

 

Tessa

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Josie Beth

There’s no right or wrong way to express your feminine side. For years I struggled with who I was and flirted with feminine feelings only to lock them away for years because of externally induced shame. Since then I’ve grown to accept who I am and not suppress my feminine feelings. It’s liberating and I don’t care anymore if people figure it out. 

 

Don’t stress about whether or not you are ready to be or do certain things. Not beating yourself up may take some time. 

 

It’s a good idea to find a therapist to work on some of these thoughts and feelings about yourself and what your needs are. Even if it’s just someone who will listen and just go through it with you. It will help to sort everything out. 

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Terry
Quote

I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! ... Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? ... I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out.

 

This is more or less what gender / gender dysphoria feels to me. It's quite overwhelming, but at some point you get used to the feeling. In my case it was strong enough to force me to give it some attention, and now that I'm actively dealing with it it's more relaxed. This community has helped me a lot to find my way in that direction.

 

Quote

I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.

 

Well, the itching is just an indication that you might need to rethink your shaving technique. It's something that can be solved easily. The real question is does it make you feel more at ease with yourself?

 

When I first shaved my body hair (before I even realised I'm on the trans spectrum) I gave up on it pretty quickly mainly because it seemed so much fuss. But when gender dysphoria hit me like a hammer it was one of the first things I started doing and it made all the difference in the world. I gradually extended it to all body hair and now I keep shaving all body hair. Especially shaving the armpits turned out to be rather important, because it's very uncommon for men, so it's something that reminds me I'm not a man when I wake up in the morning. And being reminded of who you really are in a positive way like this feels amazing.

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Tessa

It’s not itching anymore. I put some butter cream on it. I might try shaving it again I don’t know? I shave my legs though with out any irritation. I haven’t done my armpits though. I also have a gotee. But I don’t like my face. I’m so torn between both sides. I want to be loved but I don’t feel anyone would want me. I’m not attractive as a man so I don’t think I would be attractive as a woman either. I’m sorry this is how I feel.  I revealed that I had feelings for my bi sexual male friend last night. But now I wish I wouldn’t have. We’re still friends but it’s just weird. I just posted a poem Fallen Rose. Let me know what you think of it? I think for now I’ll just stick with shaving my legs. 

 

Tessa

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Robin

I have devoted most of my life to trying to make myself feel loved and valued.  So far, this massive effort has had the opposite effect.  I have constantly tried to please other people, and I feel guilty when I do things that are purely for my enjoyment.

 

I have realised that I must direct my energy into things that make me happy.  If I spend all of my time chasing the end of the rainbow, I will never succeed, and I will always feel unfulfilled.

 

Robin.

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  • Posts

    • MaryMary
      I had a lot of dysphoria, I was in depression, gone trough lot of abuse that earned me a PTSD. Although I'm happy that I had the past I had because it made the woman I am today (I wouldn't exchange my past for any past because it's making me a pretty damn cool transgender woman, does it make any sense?) it also wrecked havoc on my life. I've been in depression from 12 until 32 and barelly had the energy to go to school and do stuff, lol I was really bad to play my role as him and never succeeded in doing cool stuff as him.  I was an hermit and dysfonctionnal so to me he's in the past and I don't want to have anything to do with that name again and I certainly to want people to know that name if I can help it because I don't want to give people an excuse to misgender me or anything.   I understand what Sara and Shawna are saying and it's an excellent example of each story being different. To me hearing other stories is very cool and fascinating.   but yeah, to me it's a dead name and since he spent 20 years of his life wanting to kill himself it's quite fitting, lol It's weirdly appropriate since I waited since I was on the bottom of the barrel to come out.   I tend to see anything hermit, closed off, depressed, suicidal, dysfonctionnal, social armor as him in my mind and everything that has to do with the emancipated me as Marie even if that positive thing poped up at 10 years old. I found Marie as a name at something like 7 or 8 so and always added it in my initials so yeah... that's my little story about that topic.
    • SaraAW
      Very nice!
    • SaraAW
      Welcome to the site. I tried several different names until I found the one that resonated. Try them all out. If you have some allies or a therapist, get them to help you rest them. It may help to hear the name coming from other people’s mouths.  Keep at it and you’ll find you.     *hugs*
    • SaraAW
      My wife has said similar things regarding us. How she married a man, she doesn’t want a lesbian relationship. We are still currently together. I am hoping by slowing things down a bit and giving her time to accept and understand I’m still me, we will remain together. Only time will tell. I hope the best for you.    *hugs*
    • SaraAW
      I feel similar to Shawna, in that I don’t hate my birth name. I’m even going to incorporate it as a middle name, with a little feminization.    I wonder if some of the dislike for a previous name stems from issues that happened while using that name. I had a pretty good upbringing, despite having some mild dysphoria over the years. I would totally understand not wanting a name that was associated with severe pain from bad dysphoria or some sort of social/physical trauma.    I even know some cis people who just didn’t like their name and changed it.    As for my signature, I don’t get to practice much, as I’m still in full stealth. I write quickly and messily, my birth name signature being very doctor scribble like. I’m trying some different quick flowy ones and some slow deliberate almost printed ones. Not sure where I’m going to settle yet. They all still feel really weird right now.    *hugs*
    • Astrid
      I'll add yet another affirmation to the benefits of a competent and experienced gender therapist.  The first gender therapist may not feel like the right fit, as well, so keep in mind that you're free to discontinue at any time and try working with another.   A resource that I found helpful is How to Understand Your Gender, A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker, 2017).  Lots of exercises that will get you thinking about many different aspects of gender.     Finally, don't expect your gender therapist to listen for awhile, and then pronounce you to be a particular gender orientation. That's for you to work at and arrive at an informed opinion....which may, over time, adjust.  You'll find, reading over the many stories here in the Forums, that many of us have done just that during our journeys.   Good luck and best wishes!   Astrid
    • Jackie C.
      I think I get what you're saying here. I don't really feel it because my dead name was pretty unpleasant. He's still in here somewhere, but he's not doing the heavy lifting anymore. Everyone is happier for it. Well, almost everyone. Still no love from my egg donor. I don't really expect that to change though. That would be like admitting she's wrong and that's not happening.   I don't know what the procedure in Vermont is for changing your name legally on all the appropriate documents, but after doing all that... well, working on doing all that. I have a couple more to go... you might feel differently. I'm spending time and money to get all these little details right and it still makes me smile every time I see my name in print or on a display.   Re-learning to write and sign my name was kind of a trip though. Back in the 90's it sort of degraded into a squiggly smear. It's still not great but I'm working on making it a bit more appropriate. It's a little out of character for me because otherwise my handwriting is immaculate. I totally write like a girl.   I don't know about ANYTHING you want. I try to get people to avoid stripper names. Nobody REALLY wants a name like Starlight or <insert brand of champagne>. Unless you really, really do in which case, well... you do you. I'm a big advocate for trying to fit in though.   Hugs!
    • Astrid
      Thanks, Jani!  That's exactly the kind of feedback that I was hoping to hear, and the result I hope to achieve ==> HRT (Head Relief Therapy) 😎   With gratitude,   Astrid
    • lauraincolumbia
      I agree with ShawnaLeigh, you should see a gender therapist to help you figure things out. I do recommend a gender therapist, as I've been seeing a regular therapist for several years, but still have many open questions.  Its a question of focus, rather than competence....
    • MaryMary
      You know what's funny? I have so much dysphoria that I feel I look ugly. So probably I could say the same thing if you share an image.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      So I had this conversation with my therapist about this question and told him it bothers me considering my given name as a Dead Name.  A name that represents who I was practically my entire life and the persona of my life's experience and knowledge.  I feel like says its my Dead Name signifies I am killing that part of myself off. To me anyways.  A part I still like to some degree.  A part I need to help the women inside bloom and grow and be strong when times are tough and believe me times are tough for me lately. I prefer to call my male persona name a Birth Name.  Simply that's what it is.  A name given to me at birth by my parents. Plus there is no killing. LOL   I love to fact I get to choose my own female name.  Anything I want.   However I made a significant observation the other day. I have been signing my name as Shawna my whole life.  Signing anything legal or checks or whatever.  I always signed my name first name, middle initial, last name that all bunched together in a scribing mess.  However Shawn A. is what you would see before it turned into a scribe towards my last name.  LOL Like I have been telling myself my whole life who I am inside. Or I just reading into it to much.  LOL    
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is great news.  It seems given enough time most people will come around or at least understand.  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I'm transitioning MTF and I still love to hunt, fish, icefish, go camping, get muddy on my ATV, shooting archery and guns.    So yes.  If you still like female typical interests you can be a guy. Why not? JMO
    • lauraincolumbia
      Congrats Astrid!   Fenway?  I used to know a girl that worked at Fenway.  Unfortunately, she passed away, but I never heard from what.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Well I'm still in my confusion/discovery part of myself so I am hesitant to lay a label on anyone.  I can see you feel a lot like I do/did in my earlier years.  Born male and being attracted to females was a big thing for me because I felt female inside but played my male role my entire life.   I'm going toward transitioning to female just now at age 52, in the early stages still, though I am still only attracted to women even though I am becoming one myself. Having a strong sexual connection to your confusion is not uncommon.  It is a sexual change you desire it sounds like.  Going from one sex to the other is a sexual change and it is not unreasonable to feel sexual stimulation when contemplating it or acting on it.  JMO Saying that you are bisexual reinforces this to me. All I can suggest is what I was told and that is to try and see a gender therapist and see what he/she says.  I can tell you it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have meaning and I am valid.  Not broken or need to be fixed. 
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