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Four Weeks On T. Libido. Um, Wow.


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Yeah. Just thought I'd share. Turn back if you don't want TMI. :blush:

I've had two injections so far, the first on the 10th of May and the second last week on the 25th, and wow. There is a reason popular culture portrays guys as having dirty minds, srsly. Just, pretty much all the time, and I was nowhere near this...um, sensitive? otherwise occupied? beforehand.

Yeah.

AND back above-board, I've also noticed my voice has already dropped. Not spectacularly, kind of just sounds like I have a bad cold, but enough for my friends and the psych to comment on it.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd share lovely, lovely T experiences thus far. :blush:

~Remus

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Guest ranse

Yeah. Just thought I'd share. Turn back if you don't want TMI. :blush:

I've had two injections so far, the first on the 10th of May and the second last week on the 25th, and wow. There is a reason popular culture portrays guys as having dirty minds, srsly. Just, pretty much all the time, and I was nowhere near this...um, sensitive? otherwise occupied? beforehand.

Yeah.

AND back above-board, I've also noticed my voice has already dropped. Not spectacularly, kind of just sounds like I have a bad cold, but enough for my friends and the psych to comment on it.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd share lovely, lovely T experiences thus far. :blush:

~Remus

Congratulations.

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  • Forum Moderator

Know EXACTLY what you mean! 3 months on T this week. Turns out I'm not asexual after all. Not at all. And I notice parts on girls that I never noticed before. not that way anyway.

While trying to convince a community that I am not some sort of pervert and don't have sexual reasons for this transition I am having to work really hard not to let that interest show or my eyes or face give away the sudden flash that happens.

it isn't easy having to learn to control those surges of thought that never challenged me before. To sublimate this new drive. Nobody would understand that i have the T levels and experience in controlling them of a 16 year old in the 60 year old body.

I'm actually getting a little annoyed by it. But natal guys learn to manage and I will too.

Congrats on the voice!

Johnny

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Guest SummerDay

Know EXACTLY what you mean! 3 months on T this week. Turns out I'm not asexual after all. Not at all. And I notice parts on girls that I never noticed before. not that way anyway.

While trying to convince a community that I am not some sort of pervert and don't have sexual reasons for this transition I am having to work really hard not to let that interest show or my eyes or face give away the sudden flash that happens.

it isn't easy having to learn to control those surges of thought that never challenged me before. To sublimate this new drive. Nobody would understand that i have the T levels and experience in controlling them of a 16 year old in the 60 year old body.

I'm actually getting a little annoyed by it. But natal guys learn to manage and I will too.

Congrats on the voice!

Urges are great at the time but there's another side. Urges are like comparing a cheap hot rod to a Grand Tourer.

I was lolling around in the park one day in the sun and a Hitchockian style beauty walked past. She had tied back silver ahir, immaculate poise, and her wardrobe was a class apart. I lazily admired her as she walked along and around the park, and with immaculate timing she flipped her head around to look back.

I have never felt to busted in my life. Touché.

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Guest ranse

Now y'all are scaring me. I'm sort of high-revved in the libido department and have always appreciated the beauty of a woman's curves. Going on T might unleash a monster. A deeper-voiced hairier monster.

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Guest SummerDay

Fast forward 30 years on T.

You'll be there in your front garden pruning the roses as a young girl walks past sucking a lolly. Then she'll stop and turn around and look with big eyes at you over the fence. "Hey, watcha doin with those roses mistah?"

And you'll explain how pruning them makes them grow up fit and healthy, then show her a flower and stand back with gentle authoritative ease thinking all the things you've done in life and seeing this bundle willowly limbs and wondering how she'll turn out. Arms wrecked with needle marks and dead from a heroin overdose in a Bangkok hotel or a wife playing loving parent by the side of a lake? "Oh, cool. See ya again mistah", and off she'll skip down the road never to be seen again. Tomorrow's turn at the wheel.

Then you'll go back inside feeling too lazy to roll up the hosepipe, turn on the ball game, and fall asleep scratching yourself to snore in front of the TV.

"Oi, Harold. You're dinner's ready." screams from the kitchen to the sound of clattering plates.

Letting out a quiet sigh you mumble, "Yes, dear."

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Guest chngnwnd

My - all the things I don't miss about testosterone...enjoy guys - sometimes we find your lack of control amusing...

and also useful when we don't want to pay for our own drinks at the club lol.

hugs

Bobbi

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Guest JaniceW

... A deeper-voiced hairier monster.

Monsters do not lie this way, Ranse.

Men deal with it and make it a part of themselves. Just like women deal with mood swings. Just don't drool, it is not becomming. :P

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Guest John Chiv

Ranse,

Don't let this scare you. I don't share my experiences here with T for a reason. I just want you and anyone reading this to understand that yes T will cause physical changes. Take what is said to you by any FTM with a grain of salt. What changes and how fast and when all depend on the individual, your genetics, your dose.

Men tend to brag a bit. I am not saying that anyone is lying, just saying don't compare yourself to anyone else. Also, there are some good sites and information which counteract the T myth. I would suggest you look up hudsonsguide.org. It isn't the most recent but it is more accurate than a lot of mumbo-jumbo out there.

Testosterone does not change anyone's basic personality. Also sex drive can be attributed to one feeling good about themselves. There are very few scientific studies on FTM so who knows for sure.

As already pointed out,how you deal with the T depends on other factors like stress, nutrition,sleep and just general positive support in your life.

Yes, your sex drive will increase. Yes, you will look at women, maybe even men, in a different way. It is very important to have a good doctor, follow guidelines and not allow T and the changes or lack of changes to affect who you are, which is a man.

John

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Now y'all are scaring me. I'm sort of high-revved in the libido department and have always appreciated the beauty of a woman's curves. Going on T might unleash a monster. A deeper-voiced hairier monster.

Don't worry too much about it. I have the same worry. But I'm slowly becoming more relaxed by the fact people who I've spoke to who had high libido to begin with, either didn't change much if at all, or changed ever so slightly it's barley noticeable. But mainly what I've come across is them saying they find they are more relaxed than they used to be libido wise.

Also society it seems to me is being taught more and more these days that because men think about sex, often more than women (not always) it makes men monsters.

I know people say people used to be repressed in the past sexually and that, but I think we're slowly going back to that. I don't know how many times I've been taught now that men are perves just because they THINK about sex.

Thinking about sex and having a high libido does not make you a monster. It only makes someone a monster when they use their libido against people and take advantage of people.

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  • Forum Moderator

Okay I'll open up a little more here and explain the positive side of the effect T has had libido wise.

Because I have a real disconnect between my mind and body as far as sexual orientation-I am not a lesbian and I find a relationship with a woman as a woman to be impossible for me. I could never accept that for me personally. Yet I have always romantically fantasized about a relationship as a man with a woman.

I have been married and I have had relationships with men but somehow they were not right. Before I knew I was trans I began to label as asexual which is about as understandable to most people as being trans it turns out. I have been celibate a long time because it just wasn't something that worked for me. I avoided sexual situations and always had this wrong feeling about sex. T completely altered that. I don't feel wrong when I have sexual thoughts and fantasies anymore and I have been able to begin unraveling this tangeled skein of feelings about sex in my head.

I like the feelings. I am finding them distracting and unsettling at times. Been ambushed at how they pop up unbidden too. But my life has really opened up-even without becoming sexually active with a partner because that is still premature for me. But I can explore it. I can feel it and I can work it out.

All in all that is a wonderful thing and brings me into closer alignment with the majority of the human race out there who like sex. It feels good.

Which is I suppose why I am annoyed by the amount of time sexual thoughts seem to be occupying in my mind right now. It's all so sweet and so new but I am not used to having sexual thought be a part of my life.. it will ease up-everything always comes back into balance and I'll probably be complaining I miss it :D

Johnny

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Guest Colm

Know EXACTLY what you mean! 3 months on T this week. Turns out I'm not asexual after all. Not at all. And I notice parts on girls that I never noticed before. not that way anyway.

Johnny

ha, this is absolutely true. hit me about the same time as well.

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Guest ranse

Ah, lads, I was only kidding about my fears of turning into a monster. I'm looking forward to my outsides lining up with my insides so I can go ahead and smile at women, hold open the door for them, etc., and just be considered another guy. I'm looking forward to blending in and going about my business, but being able to flirt here and there. I'm looking forward to the mundane as if it's the best birthday/Christmas/whatever present rolled into one.

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I'm looking forward to the mundane as if it's the best birthday/Christmas/whatever present rolled into one.

Whatever presents are the best! :lol: My housemate bought me a mug for no reason, and it still makes me smile. ^_^

Don't let this scare you. I don't share my experiences here with T for a reason. I just want you and anyone reading this to understand that yes T will cause physical changes. Take what is said to you by any FTM with a grain of salt. What changes and how fast and when all depend on the individual, your genetics, your dose.

Men tend to brag a bit. I am not saying that anyone is lying, just saying don't compare yourself to anyone else. Also, there are some good sites and information which counteract the T myth. I would suggest you look up hudsonsguide.org. It isn't the most recent but it is more accurate than a lot of mumbo-jumbo out there.

Testosterone does not change anyone's basic personality. Also sex drive can be attributed to one feeling good about themselves. There are very few scientific studies on FTM so who knows for sure.

As already pointed out,how you deal with the T depends on other factors like stress, nutrition,sleep and just general positive support in your life.

Yes, your sex drive will increase. Yes, you will look at women, maybe even men, in a different way. It is very important to have a good doctor, follow guidelines and not allow T and the changes or lack of changes to affect who you are, which is a man.

I only meant this as in what I've experienced thus far, not what's absolutely going to happen. Just on a personal basis, I never thought about sex that much until I started T. I did at times, certainly, but not as constantly as it seems to be now. But yes, YMwilldefinitelyV. Mum keeps asking, "So, how soon do changes happen?". Um, I don't know, it's different for everyone. "Yes, but how quickly does stuff change?!". ...It varies, there haven't been that many conclusive studies yet, so no-one really knows. "Yes, but how soon 'til changes happen?!!!". *facepalm*

Also society it seems to me is being taught more and more these days that because men think about sex, often more than women (not always) it makes men monsters.

I know people say people used to be repressed in the past sexually and that, but I think we're slowly going back to that. I don't know how many times I've been taught now that men are perves just because they THINK about sex.

Ugh, hate that! If a woman doesn't want sex, she's frigid, and if she does, oooh, she must be a dirty [the 'S' word. Autoedit says no], and men are just monsters all the time. That was another one of Mum's arguments against me transitioning - there was a TV show we were watching and these guys were talking about those inflatable sex dolls, and she said "See, that's what men are like, do you really want to be like that?". *headdesk* (I seem to lose a lot of braincells from her arguments :rolleyes:).

T completely altered that. I don't feel wrong when I have sexual thoughts and fantasies anymore and I have been able to begin unraveling this tangeled skein of feelings about sex in my head.

I like the feelings. I am finding them distracting and unsettling at times. Been ambushed at how they pop up unbidden too. But my life has really opened up-even without becoming sexually active with a partner because that is still premature for me. But I can explore it. I can feel it and I can work it out.

Before I realised I was trans I had issues with this, the whole "you're a girl who likes boys" never felt quite right with me being the girl. Then I realised I was always dreaming of being with a boy as a boy myself, which was kind of odd, but didn't feel so inherently wrong. Then realising I'm trans, and now transitioning, it does make it a lot more comfortable.

Which is I suppose why I am annoyed by the amount of time sexual thoughts seem to be occupying in my mind right now. It's all so sweet and so new but I am not used to having sexual thought be a part of my life.

Yeah, being ambushed, as you put it, is thoroughly distracting. The thoughts are themselves manageable, it's the tinglies in the middle of the library or buying milk that I'm not used to so much. :blush:

But yes, totally just what I've experienced so far, not absolutely definitive or anything.

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Guest My_Genesis

Congratulations.

lol@the one-worded response.

It only makes someone a monster when they use their libido against people and take advantage of people.

I was so worried in the month or two before starting T, and maybe the first month on it, that T would do that to me, cuz I wouldn't be able to see clearly. Everything would be seen through testosterone goggles. lol...

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Guest Megan_Lynn

Ranse,

Testosterone does not change anyone's basic personality. Also sex drive can be attributed to one feeling good about themselves.

John

John,

do not mean to bust your bubble here but as far as for me in the past I need to disagree on what ya posted here. Pretty much most of my life I hated myself and was very miserable. For me personally testosterone was a living hell of darn near nonstop arousal most of my past life but did get more tolerable as I got older. Was like I was eating Viagra buy the hand fulls. Since I have been on hrt (estrogen) am 500 percent less aggressive have a feeling of calm most of the time I never had anytime before in my life. My personality has changed alot and I interact with people in a different way then before. Have many new likes and dislikes I never had before.My libido is almost non existent now ( what a relief). The difference of me subjected on testosterone and estrogen is like night and day. And I finally like myself as I am not the same aggressive pushy over libido person anymore. My better half has commented more then once on the major difference in me since I got the majority of testosterone out of my system. So yes in my opinion testosterone is a very powerful hormone that can and does effect ones libido and personality and aggressiveness. But everyones mileage may differ.

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Guest John Chiv

Megan,

We can have differing opinions. And that is okay. As a MTF, estrogen makes you feel right and better. As a FTM, testosterone did the same for me. My statement that testosterone does not change one's basic personality is something I stand by. I have not become some sex crazed maniac. My sex drive was pretty good pre T and comparable to a male. I am not more aggressive. I am just as intense and loving as I was before.

When I made that statement, I was referring to the fact that people think they will become less loving, less caring. Or blame abusive and violent behavior on starting T. I think there is a psychological effect to T and I was just offering an opinion based on seeing many FTMs,especially FTMs my age that have handled it well.

It all depends on the person. Certain behavior is who a person is, not the hormone. Yes, there is more arousal and a different kind of arousal with T for men, the same can be said of estrogen for women.

As a FTM the effect T has on me is normal for me because I am a man. And the same for you on estrogen because you are a woman. I appreciate the input but you need to remember that your experience with testosterone is based on something that didn't feel right because it isn't the gender you are. Most of us are depressed and miserable and it is when we accept who we are that we realize the cause of most of that misery and depression.

I don't like what estrogen does to me but I am not discouraging MTFs to start it or giving an opinion on it because I know the effects of that hormone are right for a woman.

And no matter how much T you are on, if you have self esteem issues or depression, the sex drive will not be more powerful to overcome that. The greatest effect of T on me is that it has calmed me down.

The only accurate information on hormones is medical. I never get into discussions about hormones. I made an exception in this case because many younger FTMs are frightened about starting T or have unrealistic ideas about the changes it brings. It is our responsibility to remember that we give subjective opinions here, we are not medical professionals.

Your opinion is just as valid as mine and you did it very respectfully. In a public forum we should be able to speak our mind; even disagree as long as we don't make it personal and we do it with respect.

John

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Guest Elizabeth K

John,

do not mean to bust your bubble here but as far as for me in the past I need to disagree on what ya posted here. Pretty much most of my life I hated myself and was very miserable. For me personally testosterone was a living hell of darn near nonstop arousal most of my past life but did get more tolerable as I got older. Was like I was eating Viagra buy the hand fulls. Since I have been on hrt (estrogen) am 500 percent less aggressive have a feeling of calm most of the time I never had anytime before in my life. My personality has changed alot and I interact with people in a different way then before. Have many new likes and dislikes I never had before.My libido is almost non existent now ( what a relief). The difference of me subjected on testosterone and estrogen is like night and day. And I finally like myself as I am not the same aggressive pushy over libido person anymore. My better half has commented more then once on the major difference in me since I got the majority of testosterone out of my system. So yes in my opinion testosterone is a very powerful hormone that can and does effect ones libido and personality and aggressiveness. But everyones mileage may differ.

TO ALL

Hey girls - the FTM forum is for GUYS! We MTF are guests here, so DON"T BRING YOUR MTF BAGGAGE - they don't want to hear it and they have a different way of thinking and being, which is just as valid as yours.

Megan_Lynn, I know you are trying to show testosterone is not your cup of tea and how good you feel on estrogen. Your heart is in the right place, but these guys KNOW what estrogen is, and they want to forget it was ever in their lives.

There are other MTF people here in the FTM forum as well, and its good to have a constructive dialogue. We have FTM people in our MTF forum as well, and they are welcome. Yet if one was to tell me all the benefits of testosterone and how horrible estrogen is, while in the MTF forum, I would be upset.

Please be careful - all of us MTF - I am not singling out Megan_Lynn.

Lizzy

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Lizzy. We just all need to remember that we are part of a glorious diversity. As individual as two snowflakes. I think I add to the world by being me but heaven help us we'd still be living in caves I suspect-if at all-if everyone was just like me,

I want there to be people who love estrogen and have brains that revel in it. Just as I revel in the discovery of true libido and a new sense of rightness and calm within that testosterone has brought me.

I welcome people relating their individual experiences-as long as they also recognize the validity of mine. Which is the basis of respect I think. We learn and grow and support one another better when we can share our feelings and experiences within the framework of mutual respect.

Johnny

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Guest John Chiv

((((((((((((Lizzy)))))))))))))

Thank you very much for your support and post. And your words are well heeded for any of us in any forum.

Hugs,

John

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Guest Megan_Lynn

Hey girls - the FTM forum is for GUYS! We MTF are guests here, so DON"T BRING YOUR MTF BAGGAGE - they don't want to hear it and they have a different way of thinking and being, which is just as valid as yours.

Megan_Lynn, I know you are trying to show testosterone is not your cup of tea and how good you feel on estrogen. Your heart is in the right place, but these guys KNOW what estrogen is, and they want to forget it was ever in their lives.

There are other MTF people here in the FTM forum as well, and its good to have a constructive dialogue. We have FTM people in our MTF forum as well, and they are welcome. Yet if one was to tell me all the benefits of testosterone and how horrible estrogen is, while in the MTF forum, I would be upset.

Please be careful - all of us MTF - I am not singling out Megan_Lynn.

Never once did I bring any MTF baggage as I never once mentioned a thing about gender ever. My main point was about how randy testosterone made me most of the time and from personally knowledge most ci men I ever knew. Never once did I mention that testosterone was an evil hormone only mentioned that it can and does increase one's libido a good bit. Someone like John who already had a high libido it most likely would not affect as much. But your run of the mill ci female or FTM if introduced T to them I but bet the vast majority would end up with a surprisingly higher libido then they ever had. As for aggressiveness there is a major difference between that and violence. I was never violent with anyone unless it was to protect myself or others and only as a last resort. Maybe I should have explained what I meant by aggressiveness better. To me aggressiveness was ruff play wrestling ect,and feeling the need to do so. Nothing mean just a typical ci boy/men play. As for personality a person subjected to T or E will under most circumstances has a certain swagger about them. T seems to make the average person a tad bit more assertive/aggressive and E can and does make one more passive/emotional . Assertiveness, aggressiveness, passiveness are personality traits as well. As are many other effects of hormones. If I offended anyone I am sorry but my statements were just describing how T affected me personally on a physical level and not on a gender level.I even at the end stated ones mileage may differ.The main reason I stated about being miserable in the past and happy now is to make a point that ones endorfin levels does not necessarily dictate ones libido. Believe me I am all for any and everyone wanting to be themselves and if T or E make you whole thumbs up.

Lizzy, I do however have a big issue with you right now. While I do have the utmost of respect for you and what you have been through and truly believe your a good person. You have called me out in-front of every person who reads these forums. This would be just like me giving you a butt chewing in a public place. It's rude uncalled for and disrespectful. If you have an issue with something I post please have enough respect for me to pm me about it( we can discuss it in an adult manner) or delete or modify my post and pm me reason why. Oh and by mentioning my name not once but twice is singling me out not matter how you want to look at it. So this will be the one and only time I single you out as well unless its during a average forum discussion and only for good things..k. Again please respect me enough to keep any type of correction you deem needed private in the future.. Thank you.

John,

Again sorry if I offended you in any way. Believe me I could post about some of the side effects of E I am not happy with as well like being moody and overly emotional. Guess ya trade one problem for anoughter..lol.

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Guest Colm

As for aggressiveness there is a major difference between that and violence. I was never violent with anyone unless it was to protect myself or others and only as a last resort. Maybe I should have explained what I meant by aggressiveness better. To me aggressiveness was ruff play wrestling ect,and feeling the need to do so. Nothing mean just a typical ci boy/men play. As for personality a person subjected to T or E will under most circumstances has a certain swagger about them. T seems to make the average person a tad bit more assertive/aggressive and E can and does make one more passive/emotional . Assertiveness, aggressiveness, passiveness are personality traits as well.

Just for the FTMs out there who may be pre-hormones in their transition - I think I'm actually less aggressive than I was pre-T because I'm much for secure in who I am, and I don't feel like I have to prove myself as much. I think when I (and the other FTMs who have taken T, though I don't want to speak for anyone) describe that feeling of calmness, it has a lot to do with this aspect. Because the T helps people gender you correctly, you don't feel like you need to be asserting your male-ness to be taken as male, so the whole dynamic of interacting with other people is a lot less stressful.

I also think I'm more in touch with my emotions now than I was pre-T, but I think that's more of a secondary psychological effect of taking T than the T itself. If anything, it's the effect of having been able to engage in a therapeutic process with a therapist because taking T helped me feel more comfortable with myself and more in control of my life. Before I transitioned (I went full-time for more than two years before starting T) I felt completely numb inside. Like Megan_Lynn said, YMMV, and both T and E can have very different effects on different people. It seems to me that the typical MTF experience (especially the emotional experience) with T is practically diametrically opposed to the typical FTM experience with T, and vice versa for E.

As for the libido issues, I think it's a matter of your body getting used to a different hormone balance. I'm slightly over 20 months in now, and I can already tell there's a difference from when that phase first hit. It's definitely there, but (slightly) less intense. Just like in natal males, puberty doesn't last forever.

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Just for the FTMs out there who may be pre-hormones in their transition - I think I'm actually less aggressive than I was pre-T because I'm much for secure in who I am, and I don't feel like I have to prove myself as much. I think when I (and the other FTMs who have taken T, though I don't want to speak for anyone) describe that feeling of calmness, it has a lot to do with this aspect. Because the T helps people gender you correctly, you don't feel like you need to be asserting your male-ness to be taken as male, so the whole dynamic of interacting with other people is a lot less stressful.

I also think I'm more in touch with my emotions now than I was pre-T, but I think that's more of a secondary psychological effect of taking T than the T itself. If anything, it's the effect of having been able to engage in a therapeutic process with a therapist because taking T helped me feel more comfortable with myself and more in control of my life.

I'm not an aggressive person really at all, and people often lecture me on not being assertive enough. And thus far, with the grand exception of actually going against society and transitioning at all, that hasn't really changed. :blush: However, there is definitely that feeling of calmness, and of not needing to try and (over)compensate anymore, which is really rather wonderful (I was kind of over excessively-baggy camo pants). ^_^ And yes, far less hopeless when talking with people. I'm still read as a girl of course, no way do I pass yet, but I feel more relaxed about interacting with people. There's no longer a need to mentally prepare myself for social interaction before it happens, it just kind of...oh, wait...I just talked with some random person and was cool about it... *wheeee!* :rolleyes:

Before I transitioned (I went full-time for more than two years before starting T) I felt completely numb inside.

Wow. And yeah, scary and surreal to be doing it at last, but there is no going back to that numbness.

As for the libido issues, I think it's a matter of your body getting used to a different hormone balance. I'm slightly over 20 months in now, and I can already tell there's a difference from when that phase first hit. It's definitely there, but (slightly) less intense. Just like in natal males, puberty doesn't last forever.

Hope so! My third shot's tomorrow, just when things've started to calm down a bit again. Emphasis on "a bit". :rolleyes:

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    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.   You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.   Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      @Willow it is certainly possible that my husband planned it. Placing me in the path of an opportunity....he certainly does things like that. GF has done some work for the company as an outside consultant, so I'm sure the company owner knows what potential resources are around.    It could also have just happened randomly. He has taken me to work with him before, just because he likes to have me around. I remember one time that I fell asleep with my head in his lap, and he held a meeting with his subordinates without waking me and making me move.  The company culture is family oriented and relaxed.
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