Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Open The Circle, I'm Here


VickySGV

Recommended Posts

  • Admin

Hi I'm Vicky, and "he's" an alcoholic!

Ok, had to give my credentials by exhibiting a bit of Alcoholic thinking there! :blink:

Checking the ticker of one steps I keep, I am at 972 days for this attempt which began as the result of a multi year relapse after nearly 16 years sobriety which had begun in the late 80's.

It was actually my Gender Identity issues that got me 1)into the relapse, and 2) Into the realization that I was Transsexual via my last ditch effort to die a little more peacefully. (only another alcoholic will be able to follow this one, but thats what the board title is)

The last ditch effort I am talking about was that I had relapsed in late 2006 and in early 2008, I had told my regular physician about my "compulsive cross dressing urges", and was in the normal round about fashion of alcholics trying to get a referral to my health plan's mental health services. Instead, without getting me to admit how much I was drinking at the time, he had given me an antidepressant and a antianxiety drug, which made me happier about drinking and less anxious about the consequences of it. In reality, my alcohol bills were about $30/per day at the time, and not good liquor either. I ran out of the antianxiety drug while my doctor was on vacation the next October and was going cold turkey and had to come in to the duty physician who was covering for my doctor. He sent me over to the Chemical Dependency Clinic!! Hey, I did not want recovery then, I wanted to croak!! I was confused enough then that I did talk about my gender issues with the intake counselor at the CDR, who surprised the heck out of me by simply saying, that once I was detoxified, we could get going on it seriously! :wacko: I was hopitalized for 4 days and my blood pressure went from loaded gun life threatening, to life sustaining. A point they made to me was that unsupervised withdrawl from alchol is twice as likely to kill you as any other type of cold turkey. The ward nurse who had charge of my life finally explained to me that they had gotten some blood back in my alcohol stream at last, and that I was going to be sent a little closer to home in a "day care program". This was for another 4 weeks of days, and then about 9 to 12 months of a series of night sessions.

In the third level of the night sessions, we went into the "trigger" emotional circumstances of our relapse, and it was in April 2009 just after my 90 day Chip, that my therapist had put me in a new direction, I had thought my problem was just Cross Dressing, but he pointed to a document that he had pulled two weeks before after a session we had had, it was the WPATH SOC!! In going over what I had discussed with him, he pointed to the full array of conditions that lead to a diagnosis of Transsexual. Two days later, I CAME OUT during one of my group sessions, and a week later, the supervising psychiatrist of my program asked me to make an appointment with him. Total shock, but my therapist, the group leader therapist and the MD were all there, and they had made a check with the Health Plan administrative office and had found the Endocrinology provider approved by the HP to start me on HRT. OMG!! I will need to go back in another few months to get it, but the computer has my surgery referral letter in it just waiting to be had.

I am no longer fragile about being around booze, and taking my 4 little pills each day is a total celebration of life that translates out to no desire to use. Theres more to the whole story, but getting sober does clear up so many problems, and to me at least, its an answer at last to Serenity.

Link to comment

Hi Vicky,

It's so good to have beaten the demons!

Before I stopped the denial, I was plagued by addictions too. It's amazing now to feel so healthy and balanced without that unsatisfied longing that led me to bad things.

It will get better!

Thanks for sharing your story...

And, by the way, WELCOME TO LAURA"S PLAYGROUND!

Love, Kat

Link to comment

So welcome to this little corner of cyber reality, my name's Michelle and I'm an alcoholic. Good to hear a piece of your story... Gee, who could have guessed that Trans issues could make someone want to numb out with substances, go figure!

I had the lead at a meeting this morning and the topic was "Life on Life's Terms". What a concept huh? Not so easy for the person struggling with the issues of substance abuse and/or Gender Disphoria. Its good to be sober today and able to find my way through the minefields of my gender issues.

Incidently, there is a recovery based chat, kind of informal right now, at 9pm Sunday. Its in the church basement, er.., chatroom here at Laura's and requires a separate registration and brief interview. The chat mods are friendly and screen only to filter out pervs who may enter. Hope to see you there!

Best wishes

Michelle

Link to comment
  • Admin

Kat & Michelle -- Its good to be here, and alive!! I'll give the chat thing a look in a Sunday or two, if I can ever figure out the language being used in them. :huh: I actually signed up on the Chat board before I got to the main event here. It says in the fine print that I am beginning RLT right now, but I have not been to an AA meeting in Vicky mode yet, thus my wisecrack about "he's an alcoholic" in my OP. One group where I sorta, kinda, brought the GID into my sharing did not go over well with a rather stuffy "we only discuss alcohol" comment from the secretary, so I put the issue on hold, and in the meantime found a TG Support group on that group's meeting night. Even in the support group, the moderator and three of the other girls can all show off chips at various stages. ^_^

Link to comment
  • 9 months later...
Guest Jan Jane

Vicky... unfortunately the secretary was at least partially right about singleness of purpose in AA but missed an important fact... the quote says "confine our discussion to our issues AS THEY RELATE TO ALCOHOL." If I'm going to drink over CD issues, I get to talk about it. Or politics, or religion, or my dog's lack of toilet training... but only as it relates to my desire the take that first deadly drink.

Jan Jane

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...
  • Admin

I just referred to this topic in a reply to another member about their questioning of alcohol use. Its strange to think I wrote it as long ago as I did, but other than the sober time now which is 4 years and 10 months, and the little fact that I am nearing 7 months post-op :D and now help as a chat moderator for the AA/NA Chat, I value the sobriety that has brought me to this community and the members of it that are in places I have found myself. One of the things for us in the AA tradition is that we pass along the help, and yes the joy we have found in our lives by getting beyond an enemy that was going to destroy us.

Link to comment

Good stuff Vicky! The reality is the wisest stuff I know was learned from others and the dumbest was what I thought up on my own, lol! Who knew that the last stop on the block would be the best one :)

Hugs

Michelle

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Odd that substance abuse has roots in deeper issues, or maybe not so odd, come to think of it. I too spent a goodly part of my past feeding addictions of one type or another. Just be glad it wasn't meth! I spent some time incarcerated for that one, and although I had a lot of "time" to deal with other issues, the real one never surfaced. Once I REALLY looked for the truth, then the alcoholic thing just shriveled up and died. Now, if I can do that with smoking! I'm on a roll, so who knows?

May you live life in peace

Rae

Link to comment

Hi I'm Vicky, and "he's" an alcoholic!

Ok, had to give my credentials by exhibiting a bit of Alcoholic thinking there! blink.gif

Checking the ticker of one steps I keep, I am at 972 days for this attempt which began as the result of a multi year relapse after nearly 16 years sobriety which had begun in the late 80's.

It was actually my Gender Identity issues that got me 1)into the relapse, and 2) Into the realization that I was Transsexual via my last ditch effort to die a little more peacefully. (only another alcoholic will be able to follow this one, but thats what the board title is)

The last ditch effort I am talking about was that I had relapsed in late 2006 and in early 2008, I had told my regular physician about my "compulsive cross dressing urges", and was in the normal round about fashion of alcholics trying to get a referral to my health plan's mental health services. Instead, without getting me to admit how much I was drinking at the time, he had given me an antidepressant and a antianxiety drug, which made me happier about drinking and less anxious about the consequences of it. In reality, my alcohol bills were about $30/per day at the time, and not good liquor either. I ran out of the antianxiety drug while my doctor was on vacation the next October and was going cold turkey and had to come in to the duty physician who was covering for my doctor. He sent me over to the Chemical Dependency Clinic!! Hey, I did not want recovery then, I wanted to croak!! I was confused enough then that I did talk about my gender issues with the intake counselor at the CDR, who surprised the heck out of me by simply saying, that once I was detoxified, we could get going on it seriously! wacko.gif I was hopitalized for 4 days and my blood pressure went from loaded gun life threatening, to life sustaining. A point they made to me was that unsupervised withdrawl from alchol is twice as likely to kill you as any other type of cold turkey. The ward nurse who had charge of my life finally explained to me that they had gotten some blood back in my alcohol stream at last, and that I was going to be sent a little closer to home in a "day care program". This was for another 4 weeks of days, and then about 9 to 12 months of a series of night sessions.

In the third level of the night sessions, we went into the "trigger" emotional circumstances of our relapse, and it was in April 2009 just after my 90 day Chip, that my therapist had put me in a new direction, I had thought my problem was just Cross Dressing, but he pointed to a document that he had pulled two weeks before after a session we had had, it was the WPATH SOC!! In going over what I had discussed with him, he pointed to the full array of conditions that lead to a diagnosis of Transsexual. Two days later, I CAME OUT during one of my group sessions, and a week later, the supervising psychiatrist of my program asked me to make an appointment with him. Total shock, but my therapist, the group leader therapist and the MD were all there, and they had made a check with the Health Plan administrative office and had found the Endocrinology provider approved by the HP to start me on HRT. OMG!! I will need to go back in another few months to get it, but the computer has my surgery referral letter in it just waiting to be had.

I am no longer fragile about being around booze, and taking my 4 little pills each day is a total celebration of life that translates out to no desire to use. Theres more to the whole story, but getting sober does clear up so many problems, and to me at least, its an answer at last to Serenity.

Truthfully I had never seen this thread, I was a little confused until I saw the date. Awww... Vicky I want to give you the biggest hug! You have come such a long way and are still very much an inspiration to me. I also have to ball up my skinny little girl fists and say to "Him" This is my sobriety! All mine and not yours, you can never take that away from me again! May he rest in peace. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...
  • Forum Moderator

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

Link to comment

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

I'm an alcohol, my problem is Jody. I'm glad this thread bumped. I will only get the one AA meeting in Bangkok. I tried too go Friday night but the cabby cheated me. "I take you, two hundred baht." wait a minute it's one hundred fifty bahts away. "Two hundred bahts!" ok (thinking no tip for you fella). "Where you from?" I told him USA. I had picked this hack up with great difficulties in front of SevenEleven. Weekends are busy most cabs full. This only .3km from soi 125 where I stay at Nantra De Comfort hotel.

He drives away without dropping the meter. No way in hell was this going to become 300 baht! He drove to the right turn and went straight, on to PAI (my surgeon) uturn, stopped looked at the card for Nanta Ekamai hotel. (my AA landmark) drives back down Sukhumvit 55 past my alley, then turns the wrong way again taking me out and back Sukhumvit 53 (half way to my tatoo shop). Joyrides me back to De Comfort and stops at the front door. "No De Comfort, Ekamai!" "Sorry, so sorry" with his hand out. I showed him the money, snatched it back. "NO BAHTS FOR YOU, YOU NO TAKE ME EKAMAI, CALL A COP!" I stormed out of the cab stiffing him! Boy did I ever need a drink! I didn't though.

I'm done with cabs. If I can't walk there, I don't go there. I pass.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jody, If you need a meeting and can get enough bandwidth for Skype there are good trans* meetings on Thursdays and Saturdays. I love them. I can spread my legs, put them up in comfort and spend the hour of a real time meeting. Tonight's meeting was lovely! I had made the mistake of wearing a knee length skirt to my home group on Tuesday and spreading my legs would have played too heavily on the attraction rather than promotion thoughts of AA. Not that i'm particularly attractive at this point post op.

Hugs,

Charlize

Link to comment
Guest Kayla Grace

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

Agreed. It's nice to know if there's ever a slip up with me that there are other members that know what I'm going through and won't silently judge away

Edited by Kayla Grace
post edited to combine 2 posts
Link to comment
  • 3 months later...
  • Admin

Well, I made Seven Years of one day at a time steps. Something to make me want to stay this way.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Congratulations Vicky! You are an inspiration. I remember thinking 7 years was impossible.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

I stumbled on this by accident tonight. It was a nice Christmas treat to go back to Bangkok. I guess I didn't act very ladylike. Somewhere under my moon and stars, which is his mid morning, I wish him and his family a happy holiday and sorry for being a petty MissB. I could have afforded the lousy cab fare. My bad.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 103 Guests (See full list)

    • Faye1972
    • Pip
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...