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Guest Karo-chan

"you're Not A crossdresser And You Will Never Be A Woman."

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Guest Karo-chan

One of the most common verbal insults I get is people telling me I'm "fake". I've even gotten it from a couple trans people that have already transitioned(Which has hurt me a little bit more than hearing it from other people that have no idea what I'm going through). They have no idea what goes through my head, so why are they so quick to assume I'm not actually transgendered?

I haven't started hormones yet(Although I probably will in the next 5 months once I get settled in to my new place and start seeing a new therapist.), so I don't exactly look like a girl(Being really tall doesn't help either). Is there something they can see that I can't? Is it common for people to use "You're not a real crossdresser" as an insult? Or is it just me? I'd just chalk it up as bullying if it was a couple isolated incidents but I get it so often and from so many different groups of people(In real life, and on the internet) that it just feels like something is going on. It's wrecking havoc on my self confidence in my own judgment. I'm even worried there might be something wrong with my brain(Like a tumor) that's causing me to think I'm doing or saying one thing but actually saying or doing something entirely different. I'm so confused.

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Guest Evan/Evalyn

plz dont listen to them you are right they do not know what you are going through mentally physically but dont let it get to you

keep your head up and dont dwell on it youll be happier before you know it

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MackenzieB

Idk. I've lived in placed where people think that there's a hierarchy of levels of trans. Drag Queens were at the bottom, then cross dressers and then ts'. I always thought it was kind of dumb to think oneself better than another person because of some subclass under transgender. Who cares? It's not as if a TS is a better or kinder person than a CD or a Queen. I think that it's just an immature way of people trying to feel better about themselves through the belittling of others. Perhaps they're doubting themselves and don't want to go down some ugly road alone and think it's better to drag somebody else along for the ride.

The real question is, Do you really care what those people think? And if you're going to transition it's really for you and not anybody else.

Who are they to judge you? They don't know how far you're going to go or who you'll be when you get there.

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Guest Karo-chan

Hi Karo-chan,

(Did the naughty word filter change your wording in an unexpected way? I think the word you were writing was something like T-girl, right?)

No, please don't let other people classify you! Only you know what's in your heart..

If you're going for HRT, that also means you're seeing a therapist. You and the therapist can work this out.

In the meantime, trust your instincts!

Love, Kat

Yup. That word filter. >_>;;

I just don't understand why everyone is using the same insult, in pretty much the same wording. I expected some bullying to go on(I've experienced it my whole life so I'm pretty use to it), but I didn't expect to be called "fake". First people bully me for being too feminine, now that I've come out of the closet they call me fake? I just don't understand.

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Carolyn Marie

Hon, I don't know who you're talking to IRL, or who your talking to on the Net, but it sounds like you're talking to all the wrong people. I can tell you one thing for sure, you won't hear any of that drivel around this web site, and in these forums. So if you need some folks to talk to, talk to us. We understand, we support you, and we care about you. Take that to the bank, OK?

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest ~Brenda~

The transgender spectrum is infinite. There is no one way to express yourself.

Laura's is here for support for ALL transgendered people.

I am sorry for what you have experienced, but never believe anyone who calls you a "fake" ever.

You are not crazy, and you have never been a "fake". You deserve to be happy.

As you spend time here at Laura's, you will see how everyone helps everyone else.

Love

Brenda

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Guest JaniceW

What anyone says to you about you tells you much more about them than it ever will about you. They are the ones with the problem in needing to tell you who you are. Only you can answer that question, no one else.

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Guest (Lightsider)

One of the most common verbal insults I get is people telling me I'm "fake". I've even gotten it from a couple trans people that have already transitioned(Which has hurt me a little bit more than hearing it from other people that have no idea what I'm going through). They have no idea what goes through my head, so why are they so quick to assume I'm not actually transgendered?

I haven't started hormones yet(Although I probably will in the next 5 months once I get settled in to my new place and start seeing a new therapist.), so I don't exactly look like a girl(Being really tall doesn't help either). Is there something they can see that I can't? Is it common for people to use "You're not a real crossdresser" as an insult? Or is it just me? I'd just chalk it up as bullying if it was a couple isolated incidents but I get it so often and from so many different groups of people(In real life, and on the internet) that it just feels like something is going on. It's wrecking havoc on my self confidence in my own judgment. I'm even worried there might be something wrong with my brain(Like a tumor) that's causing me to think I'm doing or saying one thing but actually saying or doing something entirely different. I'm so confused.

Congrats, you have encountered the ELITE crossdresser. This bread of transsexual seeks to bolster their own egos at the expense of yours. You need to realize the source of the problem is not yours. It is theirs because they are not yet confident enough to stand on their own merits with out tearing some one else down.

I am sorry you have to deal with that sort of mentality. They are best ignored. Consider the source!!

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Guest Kieran Conri

the only way you could ever be fake is if you change who you are because people bullied you into it. Some people won't accept you, and personally I think that's their loss. I'd rather have friends who are comfortable enough around me to be who they really are than people who act like they care and can't be trusted any day. Just be true to yourself, the world can stick it. ^_^

-Kieran Conri-

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VickySGV

In a long period of Cross Dressing, before I "got real" and admitted my transsexuality to myself, I found out that the more insecure you were about yourself, the louder you were in your criticism of others. Add alcohol or "recreational" drugs and it becomes a matter of serial character assassination for the person on the chemicals. Consider what is doing the talking, and it is not the "real" person doing the talking. There do seem to be "roles" that keep being acted, and snottiness goes with a lot of them. Be yourself, whatever people say. "Real Women" come in so many shapes and sizes that your body is not the main thing to being your real self, so ignore that garbage. Your real self is too much a true lady to be bothered by the guff others will give you, show it to them, and they will give up, and maybe one or two will change their tunes and become more like you.

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Guest Ney'ite

I have heard people say that when they sling comments like that, that is *all* they really have . . . nothing else in their arsenal. The fact remains only you know how you feel and NONE of us here can judge that. Ask those same people (if you even bother to talk to them again) if they could *prove* to you that they really have a tummy or a head ache. Since they cannot prove to you, does it make their tummy or head ache "fake?" Such stupid reasoning on their part.

And sadly some who are further along than you are, can be judgmental as well. Someone I know in my little life who is post-op is quite judgmental, especially towards those who are pre-op. She even told me that when I am gendered correctly, those people are "just trained to do that." o.O I won't steal your post and go into details, but after rattling off about 15 different mom and pop places including clients coming in at my work, it shut her up and she congratulated me. :-S

Just be true to yourself. Unless these people are going to walk in your shoes, they are nothing more than someone who is insecure about something and makes themselves feel better by bringing someone else down.

*hugs*

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Guest Lauren~

Hi girls,

I've been to different gathering that are comprised of Transgendered people. They have themselves told me that most all of them are cross-dressers there; only one or two trans-sexuals where in the bunch, including myself. It was in my opinion a very depressing event, I try not to hang around there anymore. I would prefer to go through transition myself.

Love

Melissa 67

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Guest Angelgrlsue

I understand what you are going through Karo. When I first started my transition I saw a transgender woman that was willing to help me with clothes and such, was not living full time at that time and still in male mode, no HRT or anything, not even a therapist. I asked her how I looked after trying on some clothes and feeling good about myself. She blatantly said "your just a guy in a dress". Lol, I laugh about it now but when she said that I felt extremely hurt inside. Never saw her after that remark. These type of people you need to stay away from. Only you and you alone know who you are. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Karo.

Love,

Susan

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Drea

Idk. I've lived in placed where people think that there's a hierarchy of levels of trans. Drag Queens were at the bottom, then cross dressers and then ts'.

There is no question that shame tends to affect many. As others have said, I feel some of this is created by the most insecure people, but I also feel there is a good amount of shame tossed in there. I've come accross more than a few who will be very dismissive of some saying things "well that's a fetish". So I ask, what is wrong with a fetish? Oh yeah, it can be a source of shame. Then I ask myself, is this person deciding that they are TS because it is somehow less to be ashamed of? After all, if one is really women inside, there is no shame fixing it right?

I also ask the question, why can't drag queen or crossdresser feel this is part of their identity? Why must it absolutely be a fetish? I am sure that is listed in some definition someplace, but I am just as sure DQ and CD often see it as more than just a fetish or might not even think of it as a fetish. That they have some part of them that is a woman. Just because they don't want to activly change their body, are they to be relegated to fetishdom?

And what if it is a fetish? What is wrong with a fetish? If one has the self esteem and hasn't loaded themsevles up with shame, it seems to me that it would be healthy to enjoy it.

If anything, it seems to me that those who are motivated to modify their bodies in significant ways are the ones that would be more disturbed.

As I see it, there are different people with very different needs and motivations. This doesn't make one superior and I don't buy into the attitude where some seem to play the game of being more serious and somehow better. Then tossing out the fetish thing to further smear others and therfore bolster their status.

In a long period of Cross Dressing, before I "got real" and admitted my transsexuality to myself

Not sure if the "got real" is your feeling or was intending to describe how some others may veiw it. Personally I feel, what makes one more real than another.

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VickySGV

I am transsexual, the CD for me, it turns out was a denial phase of that, but even there, my being CD was real in being part of that identified group for the time I was there. I am still very much in contact with CD's and do not regret my identification there at all. My phrase "got real" was a lighthearted snippy comment not a deep discussion of philosophy on the theory of reality either mine or others. Persifiledge at its worst.

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Guest VanessaDenise

The only things that I can think of is that (first) the people who are saying this to you are ignorant and uneducated; so please don't allow ignorance and the lack of an education get you down, if anything try to let it go in one ear and out the other and after your transformation is completely done you'll have the last laugh. (Second) I am shocked and appalled that any transsexual, whether man or woman, would say that to you being they know how rough and stressful it is for someone to be a transsexual in the society

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Guest VanessaDenise

Continued from prior post

....that we live in, where people are scared of what they don't know and will insult you and even take violent action against what they deem to be the way people should act and behave.

I truly believe that you can get through this without being in a state of depression, because if you become deeply depressed they will have won because they are making you depressed and interrupting your state of happiness.

As far as the post-transitioned transsexuals are concerned, if they (of all people) say anything remotely like that to you again politely ask them if they were given a hard time while transforming? And regardless of what they say, ask them why they are contributing to making your transitioning period even more stressful and emotionally difficult than it has to be. If you say that to a transsexual who has just insulted you during a critical part of your life, it might make them actually think about what they said to you and realize how much it hurt you and how much it hurt them years ago before their transformation was complete.

Finally, remember that misery loves company. When ignorant people see that you are happy because you are doing something that you have waited a very long time to do and it is making you happy and excited, they will do everything they can to make you as miserable as they are, because they are followers and tools and would never go outside of what they considerer to be societies norms to fulfill self happiness.

I hope this helped you out and allowed you to see the light at the end of the tunnel; if you start feeling down because of what some ignorant tool said to you remember how you will finally be the person that you were always intended to be in the next few years=:-)

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Guest Carrie7676

This seems to and will always be a problem but I've learned it is how you handle it that matter the most, I've come to the conclusion that there are simple minded men out there, and what is wrong to them is wrong and there is NO changing that! having said that these Dino's are actually the minority but it is their boastfulness that amplify them to seem like it is a larger crowd, handle with class and grace and all will be well, but I can't help to think when I was a young TGirl how many in our community seem to also look down there noses to our varying stages of transition, Oh She is JUST a crossdresser, or OHH my does she need electrolysis, so on and so on, but this Pecking order will always seem to be there and yes I found myself being critical of other girls at times only to catch myself. All in all Girls keep your head up high and be proud of who you are.

oxoxoxo

Carrie

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Guest J.P

As hard as it is, do not take those horrible words to heart. You know who you are, they have no idea, you know that you are not a fake and don’t you ever let yourself be pulled down into believing that.

Maybe it’s because I’m new here but I’m so appalled and shocked that there are actually other trans people saying this to you, I never even imagined that could happen, my heart goes out to you.

I do understand the pain of someone accusing you of being fake, because I’ve admitted that I’ll never get surgery (I would never ever judge another person for getting it but personally I wouldn’t go under the knife) I’ve been told that means I’m not committed enough therefore just lying about myself. It was horrible, even if it was just coming from some ignorant strangers who knew nothing about me. Please stay strong, never let those cruel bullies get to you.

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Guest Robin Winter

You're absolutely right, J.P.

Those people are nothing but bullies.

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Guest CindyLouCovington

This kind of thing is really depressing. How can we expect the general public to treat us with respect and understanding if we don't even treat each other the same way? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion,but it is not necessary to express it when it will hurt someone else's feelings.As Donald Meeks character in "Stagecoach" put it,"There is not enough KINDNESS in the world".

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Guest Paulette B

Julia Serrano has a very deep and thorough analysis of excluding, hierarchical feelings and behavior in her current blog.

She's one of my favorite thinkers in teh trans world. This may not solve things for you, but it may help you understand where it's coming from and how better to think of it, if not handle it.

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Guest Razilee

Thanks VickySVG!

"Your real self is too much a true lady to be bothered by the guff others will give you." is just what I needed to hear today, though you wrote it so long ago. I was told "You should know that you ain't no damn woman." I though of saying "I may have been designated male at birth, but I'm more of a lady than you are.", but being as lady-like as I am I kept silent and turned away. It helped a bit as I traveled further through town stopped at an intersection when the guy crossing the other way said "Cute!", then seeing the woman behind me. "Cuter! Way to go girls!"" At my age being called "cute" and "girl" doesn't come often. I'll try to remember that and not let the "guff" bother me.

Love,

Raz

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Guest

Yeah I know and old post again but I haven't been around for a long while.

One of the reasons I founded Laura's Playground (2004) is that I had visited other sites and found a difference in the way different transgender groups treated each other. I never had the problem of being bullied on the boards because I fit in. For others though it was a different. New people. crossdressers, transgenderists, came there to ask simple questions finding absolutely no tolerance.. Then the conversation denigrated to name calling and sexual names like fetishist (Oh horrors). Did these protagonists think that they were so pure of heart that they sat at the right hand of Jesus himself? I left those now defunct sites and started my own and added one group a week that included Crossdressers. ALL were welcome. to ask questions and get help. I was told that this would fail. Now here we are in 2016 An we ALL support each other.

Out of all the ventures I have started in my long life this one was my most satisfying. Thank you all.

Laura.

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Guest LesleyAnne

NO!

Thank You!!!!

Thank you for creating a home for so many of us! :wub:

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      Thank you for the thoughtful response. Like you say, hormones are driving some of this and it is difficult to divorce yourself from them. I think you have a good point also about there being a difference between wanting and knowing. It is difficult for me to really tell the difference right now and to explore the feelings I have involves overcoming a lot of self-imposed (but not rational) guilt and fear. It does not help that I am taking these first steps so many years into my life. I feel like society has generally changed in some areas where talking about these types of feelings are less frowned upon, however, it doesn't help when you have internalized them. I have never particularly enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror as a man, but I also am not sure how I feel about having a female identity also.   I hope to find that out. 
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      Haha. I hadn’t but I went back and read some now. It’s amazing what just a little time will do for a girl! It really is just building confidence. Small steps to get to big goals. It really helps having all the help and support from here though. Reading everyone’s stories really helps to keep things in perspective. To follow, walk with, and teach how we get through the obstacles brings a semblance of order to an otherwise chaotic process. And the joy of the results is like nothing else.     I did have a question though. And it’s probably silly but how much water should I be drinking daily? I’m at close to a gallon per day. It seems a little high. I also have 2 glasses of milk, 1 diet soda, and 2coffees. Literally drinking all day. All my test results were “perfect”. But it becomes a chore drinking all this fluid. Lol. Especially for work. I work out of a truck all day so bathrooms aren’t readily available. 😕  if anyone actually knows if there’s a formula or something please lemme know. Thanks.  ❤️Kirsten
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      Hello All,   I thought I would join the forum to get some advice from people further along on their journey of self-discovery. I apologize if this is a little lengthy and veers a little towards the sexual in nature, but it is necessary to explain my situation.   Recently, after a period of extreme stress, I came to the realization that I was repressing a female part of my personality. I am not sure how I feel about this or if I really know who I am (a crossdresser, trans, something in between).  I know I shouldn't be trying to put labels on things but not knowing is giving me extreme anxiety. I am talking to a counselor about this, but think it would help me if I heard from some other people on this. I am trying to be honest with myself now so I can just live my life without feeling constantly unsettled and uncomfortable. Maybe part of this is an internalized phobia of discovering things about myself that I am just not prepared to deal with.   Just to tell a short version of my story, i've always enjoyed wearing women's clothes since I was 13. It was almost always sexual in nature. After achieving my sexual needs, I would feel sick about it and then stop. I spent a lot of time around transgender women in my teens since I lived in several countries where it was socially accepted to be trans. I always found them very attractive and beautiful. I now realize with hindsight I am not sure if I was just sexually attracted to them or wanted to be them or both. I stopped crossdressing into my 20's as I thought it more socially acceptable to just watch pornography. I have almost exclusively watching transgender pornography now for the majority of my adult life. I can say with honesty in my daily life I have never been really sexually attracted to men, but when I watch pornography, I often times imagine I am the women.  This progressed into me almost exclusively watching pornography where men are tricked into becoming women and also pornography that is filmed from a woman's perspective. I understand if this type of pornography is offensive to some here, but I want to be honest about my situation.   As is obvious to you and to me now, I have an unhealthy relationship with this, and I have decided to stop watching it and try embracing whatever feelings I may have. The issue is I still have sexual feelings when I think about dressing up, but I am also excited and happy about trying to present as a woman.  I have started to try to learn to embrace this side of me, but I am not sure where it is going to lead. Regardless of what I do now, I feel anxiety. I would like to say this all sounds like garden variety crossdressing, but I am not sure if it is more, and I am not sure if I am ready to make it more.    I wanted to know if anyone has had these types of experiences and where they ended up or how they dealt with them.   Thanks for taking the time to respond.      
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