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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

S/o Completely Confused! Please Help

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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

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Hello. Im the wife of a MTF CD. My husband & I have been together for about 10yrs. Less than a year ago he came out & told me he was a CD. I have to admit, at first I was really thrown off because he is a VERY manly man / biker type so when he asked me to dress him in my clothes it was really like "Ok...WOW" shock. Ive been judged tho thru out most of my life & I just tried to put my feelings on cruise after seeing how good it made him feel. That's the way my feeling have stayed as far as he knows.

Lately though I've been researching the cd topic more in depth to try to be a supportive as I can because I truely love him with all I have. With the research though comes questions that need to be asked of him so we've been talking ALOT lately. We have great communication skills for the most part with each other. Atleast up until now.

Some of the questions are as such...

Q. Do you want to be a woman all the time?

A. No, I'm happy being a man.

Q. Are you gay?

A. I'm bi curious

Q. Have you been with a man? If so in what way.

A. Yes. (I wont say in what way because I dont want to offend anyone with details)

Q. Am I who you really want?

A. Yes Yes Yes

Q. When you're dressed to I call you Jennifer (His cd name) or by your real name? Do I address you as "She" or "He"?

A. I dont really know. Sometimes I want it one way other times I want it the other.

My Answer: ????? :-/

When we have sex though he always wants to role play as male to male talk. I'm fine with this SOME of the time but he's doing it more & more to the point that I've had to put it in check at times. I mean I want to be with my man ALL THE WAY. If I had my way it would be like that all the way but he's changed this ballgame.

I really try my very best though to be supportive. I either buy "Jennifer's" clothes & wigs or help pick them out. I do her make-up. Ask the store clerk if he can use their restroom to try on shoes for confidentiality from other customers. (They're actually not shocked when you ask. Suprised me!) I go to the gay bars so he can mingle with other guys & he wont feel so ostracized by society. I even suggest to go get "dressed" sometimes. I really dont know of any other ways to be supportive.

It just really seems like I've never really known the man I married anymore. He's been ashamed & hiding this deep inside for so long. In one way I feel like by hiding all this he's been lying to me all these years. In another way I feel so sorry for him feeling like he ever had to hide. I've never been so CONFLICTED within my own emotions. I cry sometimes. Other times Im scared to death I'll loose him even when he swears he'll never leave me. I'm so proud of him for coming out but also so scared the neighbors will see. I really feel like I'M the one in the closet now. He says if it meant giving this up or having me then he'd choose me and bury this part of himself again. I don't believe this is fair for me to ask him to do this tho beacuse it's taken him his whole life (50yrs) to come out. I cant really talk to him like this tho because he says he feels bad because he let me down or whatever & I WILL NOT have him feeling anything negative ever again about who / how he feels EVER AGAIN if I have my way! I've told him to stop feeling like this over & OVER. He would stop cd tho if he really knew how I feel, but to me that's no longer an option. He is the part that makes me whole!!!!!!!

He says he's interested in the chatrooms support groups. He's not going for the idea of counceling because he says nothing is wrong with him. I agree with him on this. I know Im finding myself wishing there was someone to talk to RIGHT NOW! I just feel so lost...so confused. (Crying) I love my husband. I never want to loose him but I really dont know him anymore.

Can someone please help me?

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Guest Julie T

Honey, let me try to help.

You wrote this at the end and I think it explains so much: "He says he's interested in the chatrooms support groups. He's not going for the idea of counceling because he says nothing is wrong with him. I agree with him on this. I know Im finding myself wishing there was someone to talk to RIGHT NOW! I just feel so lost...so confused. (Crying) I love my husband. I never want to loose him but I really dont know him anymore.'

The obvious answer to this is to ask him to come on Laura's Playground. We can do several things for him (I will switch pronouns here, this is how we do it), we can do several things for her. The biggest is to show she is not alone , hundreds of thousands of males cross-dress, and in my opinion it is to allow that feminine side out for a while. CDers are almost always heterosexual. Your SO needs to go to CD clubs, and pass on the gay scenes. Gay men really ave the same attitude toward CDers as does the general public, and they may assume he is bi. So yes you said that is how he identifies. I know. There may be more going on.

Secondly we can explain to her how to respect you. You are priceless. She needs to learn boundaries.

If she will not come on Laura's Playground, please stay with us anyway. We want to be here for you. We can probably explain pretty well what it is all about, so you will better know your SO.

Julie

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Guest MonikaC

I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now. It sounds like you are a wonderfully supportive wife, and I respect you for that. Remember that since you two are in a relationship together you each have equal rights. If parts of all of this are too much, you need to communicate that. Find compromises where you can. Remember that just because your spouse is changing, they are still the same person you love, albeit a bit more complex.

He says he's interested in the chatrooms support groups. He's not going for the idea of counceling because he says nothing is wrong with him. I agree with him on this. I know Im finding myself wishing there was someone to talk to RIGHT NOW! I just feel so lost...so confused. (Crying) I love my husband. I never want to loose him but I really dont know him anymore.

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. I completely agree. But bottling up a deep seated emotion for so long can cause a lot of other issues. A qualified therapist can help both of you deal with all the other emotions that are coming up because of this. You don't have to have something wrong with you to be able to benefit from seeing a good therapist.

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Guest Hisgirl

Sweetie I completely understand how you feel.

Everyone tells you that they are still the same person, and in a way they are.

They just tend to be so wrapped up in being able to be themselves that some of

them goes away for awhile. Deep down the same things that made you fall in love

with them are there.

PM me if you'd like to talk. I'm always open to listening whenever someone needs it.

I know how lonely all this feels.

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Guest DawnK

I may not be the best one to give advise since my SO separated from me for my Crossdressing, but I hope you find something helpful here. And to make things easier to understand, I've used the male reference in regards to your husband and myself but there's no disrespect intended.

First, I want to Thank You for trying to be supportive. While my wife tried, she just couldn't let it go in the long run. Where we different though is that she didn't love me the way it appears you love your husband.

I'd like to say that right now, you feel that you don't know the man you married, but the thing is, he's still the same man, you just know about another side of him. And remember, it's taken him 50 years to finally get the courage to let you in on his Secret. It wouldn't be fair to expect you to understand and come to terms with it in a few days or weeks. It okay to ask questions of him and others who've been through the same thing.

While I'd like to believe that he means he'd really give it up to be with you, I'm afraid that he'd just push it back and sooner or later, the desire would resurface. In my case, my desires came and went in cycles of 5 to 10 years. It was only when I came out to her that I began wearing underwear on a daily basis. Then I tried wearing clothing around the house. She had told me that she was okay with some of the items I was wearing, but overtime, I came to believe that she was trying to say things that she thought I wanted to hear. I knew she was paranoid of me coming out in public when she came out of the house one day and wanted to know if I was wearing lipstick. (I wasn't) And I began to noticed other things about her mannerisms around me. So I began to withdraw once again.

After she had a heart attack and 5 bypasses, she finally told me that she thought it was time I moved out. It took me years of asking questions in various ways before she finally told me and confirmed my fears that it was my CD'ing that she was having the most trouble with. I believe if she'd told me that sooner, I could have simply gone back into the closet and maybe, we'd still be together, but again, it may have been something else that would have given her the courage to tell me she wanted me to live. Like I said, she didn't love me the way you love your man.

I would stress that you find some way to talk to him about the way you're feeling. If you can't do it face to face, then by phone or email. I understand that you don't want to push him back into hiding, but it's not fair to push yourself into hiding either. If he feels the need to dress and go out, try to find a group where he can meet others. There's one in my area where the men (and some of the more excepting wives) get together monthly to dress and party. Let him know about your fears of him being seen by the neighbors.

My wife and I are still married and remain friends, but I don't present to her in any way and even in my own apartment, I find I live in fear of others coming in and questioning a blouse or pair of heels that I've left out. Fortunately for me, I don't get very many visitors, but even today, my brother and his granddaughter stopped by unannounced to pick up something. I had a blouse and heels laying around, and was wearing a women's polo shirt when they came in. If he noticed, he didn't say anything, but it's still a constant fear I live with. It hurts me to think that if I hadn't come out to my wife, I might still be with her, but albeit in hiding, but maybe I wouldn't have been alone for the last 5 years. It's strange that she could forgive the affairs I had early on in our marriage, but can't forgive/forget this. But I blame society as a whole. It's acceptable for women to wear men's clothing, but not the other way around. And yet, we still have more freedom than we did in the 60's when I was growing up.

But over time, I've come to terms with who I am and have been able to talk with others here about my past. If you'd like to ask me anything about being a CD'er, feel free to PM me. I don't claim to have any answers, but I might have one in me somewhere.

I wish you both the Best of Luck.

dk

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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

I really want to thank everyone that commented on my post. A little bit of an update.

He has began to come in here when Im online in a chatroom and he's not only able to see that he's not alone, he's seeing what I type about my feelings when im communicating with others. I believe that he's really starting to see that Im truly trying to be supportive and thus he's opening up more and more. Little by little my world doesnt seem so lost in the dark. I know that we'll have quite a way to go but atleast we're getting there TOGETHER!

I find it strange in a good way the way there are no walls in the room here at Laura's. Nobody judging me and my SO, no sly remarks, just helpful and caring people. GOD I wish it were like this everyday in the real world. My belief though is that it will one day. If not in time for me and my spouse then for others that will come after we're gone.

Thank you again and thank you Laura for creating this world of yours so that we're never alone in the dark again!

Michelle

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Guest Julie T

Michelle

Its posts like the one above that keep me here at Laura's Playground. I know. I wish the world was a s caring as the people here. Like you wrote, maybe some day it can be.

And you are right? You are no longer alone. Talk to us anytime.

Julie

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Guest BaybiiRah

I don't really have anything helpful to say but after reading through this whole thing i just felt like i needed to tell you that i respect and look up to you so much. I hope i can be as good to my partner, as supportive to my partner as you have been to yours. My hope and prayers and love are with you <3.

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Guest Svenna

Thank you, Michelle...

I needed to read this.

Love and appreciation, Svenna

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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

Hello again.

I just wanted to tell anyone reading this topic that we are still doing very well. Life has gotten alot easier and our communication is great!

I use this forum now to try to help others see that there is hope for acceptance and change by telling where I was then compared to where I am now. Im actually one of the asst chat directors here at Laura's now. If you ever need to talk or have any questions Im here. :)

Thanks again for reading and take care

Michelle
aka
4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

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Guest John Chiv

Michelle,

I only saw this today. What a wonderful hopeful outcome and glad you are a part of Laura's staff.

John

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Guest Juniper Blue

Dear Michelle,

You are such a loving and supportive wife. When I read your post, I wondered if you could set up dates with your partner... dates with Jennifer as she is but also dates or romantic nights with (I'm switching genders) your husband in male mode? Perhaps too, you can communicate about compromises that work for both of you ... as far as the neighbors and you life together in the community etc.

Hugs,

JB

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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle

Hello JB,

Yes we actually do go out together with him dressed up as Jennifer and also sometimes with him in male mode. Either way, we have a wonderful time out! I have to admit though that I'm still nervous about the neighbors or some of the people that are in public seeing Jennifer but that’s not out of shame. I am very proud of the person I'm married to and I am also fiercely protective of him. It scares me to think about how I would (not may) react to someone starting trouble with him. So far we have been very lucky to not have to deal with any uncomfortable moments like that. As far as the neighbors are concerned…. my husband is a very successful man and has been lucky enough to develop an excellent career over many long years. If they saw Jennifer then they could say the wrong thing to someone in his field and his career would be lost forever. He is extremely careful though and he respects my wishes so that there isn’t a chance of this ever happening to us.

On a lighter note now…..

When we do go out we have a wonderful time no matter if he’s male or in female mode. She still gets nervous when we first go out in the evening and tends to really need me by her side for a feeling of comfort and safety. I really don’t mind this because after a while, she’s able to relax and just enjoy our time out together as well as feeling the pleasure that being Jennifer allows him to have.
I think one of the most important things to have in a relationship is to be able to listen… really listen and not just hear each other’s needs and wants because when you listen with your heart, that’s where truly open communication can begin.

Take care,
Michelle

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Guest Teri G

For me, articulating my feelings has been one of the hardest parts. Intuitively,I know how I feel. Putting it into words is much harder than I ever dreamed.

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Guest Svenna

Michelle,

I, for one, have already benefitted from your kind heart and wise words. Thank you for being here...

My S/O and I are still together also, getting more 'real' all the time and loving each other even more than ever for the effort. You set a fine example!

Love, Svenna

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Guest Teri G

Keep talking, That is the best advice I can think to give.

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Guest Lani

I really want to thank everyone that commented on my post. A little bit of an update.

He has began to come in here when Im online in a chatroom and he's not only able to see that he's not alone, he's seeing what I type about my feelings when im communicating with others. I believe that he's really starting to see that Im truly trying to be supportive and thus he's opening up more and more. Little by little my world doesnt seem so lost in the dark. I know that we'll have quite a way to go but atleast we're getting there TOGETHER!

I find it strange in a good way the way there are no walls in the room here at Laura's. Nobody judging me and my SO, no sly remarks, just helpful and caring people. GOD I wish it were like this everyday in the real world. My belief though is that it will one day. If not in time for me and my spouse then for others that will come after we're gone.

Thank you again and thank you Laura for creating this world of yours so that we're never alone in the dark again!

Michelle

Your NEVER EVER alone... You got "everyone" HERE!!

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4MySOJenn_ImMichelle
:agreed: thanks a LOT :friends:

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Guest Tina8251957

I just want to say thank you. Your caring and support is inspiring for my wife and I.

Again Thank You,

Tina and SO

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