[Long] Story Of A Late-Bloomer

[Guest Naomi M]

I know there's a "no novel" disclaimer, but it's so hard to condense this as is. I'm sorry if it's still too long. If not, then grab a cookie and a nice cup of your favorite drink, because this is a doozy.

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Until a couple of days ago I had no childhood memory of crossdressing or even thinking about it. However, after introducing myself, one finally came to mind. However to understand the rest of the story one must ignore that (for now).

Throughout my teenage years I was obsessed with "fitting in" and being liked. This meant hiding everything that I liked in public, mostly geeky things. I wanted to be seen as a cool, street-smart jock when really I was a lazy, scrawny nerd. Needless to say crossdressing was the last thing on my mind.

After graduating High School I continued to fight myself until my early 20s where I began to work on my self-confidence and fixing the negative aspects of my life. That fight continues to this day, but that's another story. What is interesting is around that time crossdressing became more and more an aspect of my life; where wearing female clothing, for some reason, became an attractive option.Whether it was my lowering of self-rejection or a picture or a video or anything else I couldn't begin to guess as I don't remember (story of my life).

The first time I followed through on my quest was, of all things, a local showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not the classiest of beginnings but after going to a couple of shows to loosen myself up (above paragraph) I knew I wanted to dress up, but had no intention of stalking around in lingerie or underwear; thus I decided to go as Magenta. Luckily a female friend of mine was more than happy to help My costume was a tiny little maid costume from a Halloween store (never liked it) along with heels and stockings. Needless to say I had a blast and was generally either ignored or complimented.

Seeking answers to my newfound desire to dress in women's clothing I finally did research online and quickly found the "truth" about Crossdressers. How most were heterosexual, did not want to transition, etc. It was like a weight was off my shoulders! After denying everything about myself for so long I finally knew something! Or so I thought, as from there the troubles, and mistakes, began.

With this information in hand, I knew I'd need support. Thus I turned to the two people I trusted above all others: my oldest brother and only sister. The reactions were...less than hopeful. My brother was more understanding, but was very scared that I was jumping straight into something head-first without really looking. My sister never rejected it but never fully accepted it either; a clear boundary was basically set up without explicitly stating as much. I'd later learn she told her husband (per their pact to share everything) and he considers it nothing more than a fetish (which I can only assume she shares).

Second mistake was going as "Magenta" to my brother's Halloween party. I was deathly nervous but decided to plunge in, believing that since my brother's friends accept his homosexuality without problem then they'd accept me.Needless to say I was ignorant about the truth of the strain in the inter-relationships of the LGBT community. Luckily I was mostly right and, again, had a pretty good time. The pictures showed me an ugly truth however, that no matter how I felt during the party (with the alcohol and crowd) that all I did was show up as a guy in a horribly skimpy outfit (at least that's how I looked like). At once all my old anxieties returned and would stay for about a good month. In the end my brother's fears were justified, I was entering something I didn't truly understand way to fast.

All of that took place in late 2009. Since then, for over a year, I've quietly done a lot of research seeking answers. I found websites, took tests, and even read a couple of books. In the end though I still didn't have the answers to my questions: What am I? Why did this change occur now? Where can I turn to? I found Laura's last year actually, but never signed up due to a variety of reasons, the primary one being that I didn't feel right joining until I saw a Gender Therapist.

However, in the same time-span I've been mostly alone. I rarely talk to my siblings due to us living on opposite sides of the country and a strong sense of separation that I hope to repair if I get vacation time off to visit them this winter. Even when we do talk I make sure to never bring up my crossdressing. I haven't told my mother, even though I live with her as I continue work and my education, because I don't want to add this to the million other things she stresses about. I know she'd likely accept me as I am, but I can't imagine it being any easier on her than it has been on me. The rest of my family, far as I can tell, is pretty much made of Conservatives, so they're out. I haven't told my friends, even the one who helped me with the Matilda costume, because I'm afraid of losing any one of them.

The final straw that made me sign up was an incident at the post office mailing my first ever payment to the BF store. I wrote the Zip-code wrong, and the lady at the desk had to look it up. Luckily we were the only two there, so nobody had to notice me try unsuccessfully to blend into the wall and disappear. I know she knew what the store was, as she did grin knowingly and even offered to tape the letter shut so as to keep the contents extra secure. I decided not to upgrade to faster shipping (the whole reason I talked to her) and walked out as fast as I could. Although it ended up okay, the whole thing rattled me to my core. I haven't been to that PO since, and a couple days later decided to send my application to the site.

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Before I let you go, I want to return to my childhood. As you can see, a lot of my anxiety was born from not wanting to dress like a girl as a young child. However I remember now that I did want to dress as a girl, or at least wondered why I couldn't. Girls wore skirts, and boys wore pants. I wondered why that was, but never thought to hard about it until I noticed girls didn't just wear skirts and dresses, but pants too. I think Chuckie from Rugrats put it best:

"If girls can wear pants and grown-ups can wear daipies [sumo wrestlers] why can't boys wear dressies?"

This puzzled me. As far as my young mind could tell it was unfair, Girls had two styles they could wear and boys only had one. As the episode pointed out in the end, boys do had options such as kilts and togas. But even I knew that that was not something people around where I lived wore. In the end I just summed it up as being born the "wrong" gender in the "wrong" country/era and left it at that. At least as far as I can remember...

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There, my story is more or less complete now. If you've stuck through it this far then grab yourself another cookie. I apologize for any errors on my part, as it is now 1am and I am deathly tired. To clarify on how I see myself now...right now I would say a "serious, wholesome Crossdresser, possibly Genderqueer." That, of course, is likely to change a lot once I get professional help.

Thank you girls so much for your early greetings and support. I have a lot to ask, but right now it's time to sleep.

~Naomi

[MaryEllen]

Thank you for sharing with us, Naomi.

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Well Naomi,

Felt good to finally let that all out didn't it First of all, I want to say is Welcome Welcome to Laura's hon. I am so glad that you decided to join and post here hon.

Remember one very important thing Naomi.... You are just fine the way that you are. It is OK to crossdress I crossdress everyday. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Once you embrace who you are and are free from the anxiety and guilt. You are free then to explore new horizons.

I want you to know that you are really with people who completely understand you.

Love

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for sharing your life story with us, Naomi. It helps us to help you when we know more about you, so don't feel bad that you wrote a long post. At least you broke it up into reasonably sized paragraphs, which is not something everyone does.

Like Brenda said, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Unlike with being trans, there is usually no urgent need, or any need for that matter, to come out to family members. It is your choice to make, when you think the time is right (if ever).

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Naomi,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Cross Dressers meetings -Tues 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna