Lack of honesty KILLS

[VickySGV]

I'm my family's admitted alcoholic. The others were uncomfortable with my being open about my Alcoholism and the fact that I admitted that I will always be one for years. My mother died 37 years ago with the unique and striking skin color of liver failure from acute cirrhotic lesions, secondary to chronic alcohol abuse. She had tried AA on many times, but my father and other relatives had been less than supportive and made no attempt to be part of her recovery. Regrettably, at the time she died, I did not yet see my own impending battle with the horror. I didn't see it coming, because I was too busy being a co-dependent on both my mother and my father who was also her un-admitted co-dependent.

The only member who even would talk about the subject of alcholism when my mother died was my oldest (but younger than me) sister who Came Out as Alcoholic for a very brief time when she was involved in a divorce. She acquired all of the terminology and psychologic jargon about alcoholism, but turned it into ammunition against me when I began my first recovery in the late 80's. She used it, not to support me, but to make herself sound like a conquering hero over a mighty dragon that made her a success and me a weakling that the family should treat with contempt. Not withstanding the family background, I did find personal success in my recovery and more than a little satisfaction. Despite being the "weak one" I was the one whose eyes had been opened by recovery, and who had learned to carefully listen to people. I saw a sever problem with my "Recovered" (her words) alcoholic sibling, while she did not use or allow alcohol to be used in her presence, (including taking a glass of loaded egg nog from our father during an Xmas party at my house and spilling on the backyard lawn) her purse contained medications that I recognized as ones used for the treatment of two known psychiatric major problems. Since psychiatric conditions "DID NOT HAPPEN" in our family my attempts to find out why my sister had them so that I could be of help, were met with the attitude that I was trying to get back at her for things she had said about me to willing ears.-- No one believed there were problems, and I was the weak one by admitting mine since none of them would admit to more than NORMAL feelings in life.

After my father had died of a brain tumor and my younger sister had died of cancer in 2006, I did have a relapse, this time centered on my GID which I had not honestly addressed in my prior recovery. About the time I began my current recovery, the older sister had found out about my "Cross Dressing" and had outed me to a wide audience in pretty nasty terms. It gave me a few bad days at my 60 day recovery mark, but for some reason, having at tast become honest about myself, even if it was just to my Chemical Dependency therapist at that point made a huge difference. I no longer believed myself to be as weak as I had been portrayed to my father, other relatives, and who knows else. As for the sister, LAST MONTH SHE KILLED HERSELF after taking an elephantine overdose of a psychiatric drug which gave her the freedom from anxiety to put a gun in her mouth and pull the trigger. No one was called in her final hours, no one was approached with the honesty that she was suffering. She had a gun, that with the medicines she was taking should never have been sold to her in the state she lived, it wasn't bought there.

A few days ago, I mailed my own Coming Out Letter to family members I know I will meet in the next few weeks at my sister's memorial service, no responses yet, but they will meet the me who can be honest, if it is not the family ideal, so what. I am alive as never before, no alcohol needed!!

Lack of self honesty kills.

[Guest Julie T]

Vicky

A tragic account, concluded with an even more tragic account of your sister's suicide. My father's mother, who of course was my grandmother, killed herself at age 58, which was when I was 15. I have remembered it evermore, and? foolishly I vowed to outlive her, and I did, waiting until I was 61 for my first suicide attempt, which sent me to the Emergency Room.

The world is screwed up, and I know that now. I am the sane one, not those others telling me what I need to be.

Vicky, yes. Be yourself and like you say, dishonesty kills.

Julie

[Guest]

Hi Vicky,

My heart does go out to you. It really is tragic, and I know you're so close to it.

Our thoughts will be with you as you visit your family. I know this will be a difficult time - take care of yourself, please?

Love, Megan

[Michelle 2010]

Victory through surrender... Who Knew, huh? I used to idly wonder what it would take to "break" me...I found out and was lucky enough to fall into recovery rather than into the Abyss... I suppose under different circumstances I could have could have made the choice your sister did.

My condolences to you and your loved ones.

In your story what stands out to me was coming to understand that weakness wasn't the issue in spite of what your family tried to tell you. Its ok to be weak, if we have healthy responses to life's challenges. Only by becoming weak and needy did I come to understand that I could trust people and rely on them. When I was a mighty oak tree my relationships were superficial and kept at arms length because if they got too close they might discover that the mighty Oak was hollow and a facade. Underneath the manly Oak was a scare confused Two Spirit human who could not afford to let people get too close. Only by getting uprooted because of my stubbornness and oaklike inflexibility did I have a chance to change. Today I understand that its ok to bend rather than break. I also understand that its ok to be me rather than who people say I should be.

Two hours ago I was talking to a relapsed friend who is ashamed to go back to AA because of what people will think. I tried to help him understand that the problem isn't what people think, its what he thinks they think. Our own egos' kill as surely as alcohol does... Too proud to ask for help...too proud to go back to AA...As you know, either one can take you out.

I wish you and your loved ones healing

Michelle