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? to F (mentally, anyway)


Guest musicalice

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I used to post in this forum a lot. I'm still unsure to a certain extent, but i think at least some of that is fear. The main reason being, i always prefer to think of myself as female, but i'm most comfortablw with that when i decide i won't transition because i don't know (yes it does go in circles -.-)

I was MtF on here when i first joined, then went to mt? fairly quickly. I stuck with it because it didn't force me into a box. That question mark was basically me trying to keep my options open for as long as possible. But... i sometimes try on "androgyne", and, while it's better than "male" (yuck), it seems to be that however i define myself, i will always wish i were female. Why? Crazy! But then, what's the difference between being male and wanting to be female, and being non-binary and wanting to be female? ...

Perhaps i worry obsessively over some slightly more masculine qualities that i have, perhaps i'm just scared. But i like nail polish, and trying make up, and i want people to see me as female, and i want my body to look female (funky but female is fine, i think). So i'd probably make a pretty convincing female. And, more importantly, i'd be happier. I can see myself being a little more confident, among other things.

What i'm trying to rationalise here, is that i want to be female. So, in my head, i am female. End of. Not coz i conform to a stereotype of femininity (coz i don't really), but because i'm happy there. That's all. Perhaps i'm a little queer, but not on the male/female spectrum. more on the masculinity/femininity spectrum. Or on my own spectrum :) And even then, i'm really girly in some ways, at least some of the time. Whatever happens to my body and my passport gender marker, i'll stick with a way of thinking that i like, because i like it. It seems simple, but i like that too. Even better, it doesn't involve an approximation :)

As for everything else... I'm pursuing hormones because i've done the required therapy and i've been looking forward to at least trying them. And i will tell my friends, because i don't want to lie to them any more. Then i'll take it from there.

But i'm having SRS if ever i get the chance :)

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Guest ~Brenda~

Fear not ignota :)

As there are stereotypes regarding gender there are stereotypes regarding transgender. If you are on HRT, I do hope that you are under supervised care.

Just be yourself... it is all OK :)

Brenda

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Right now I'm not sure a full transition is the right path for me, but I still call myself MtF. I see it not as a start an end point but as an arrow. An arrow pointing from the male side in the female direction. It doesn't mean I have to start male or end female. It just means 'becoming more female'. :)

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