My coming out letter to parents

[Guest Talon]

I just came out to my parents yesterday and it went very well. I'd like to share my coming out letter with you although it is very long I found a lot of inspiration on here so thank you very much to those who have posted their letters before me! I'm coming out to my brother very soon so I'll also post my letter to him on here.

Talon.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Writing you this letter is terribly hard but I have to do it. Will you please read it when you have some time? Because you may need a few hours to digest it. So don’t read it right before you’re going somewhere or something like that.

I’d like to start out by asking you to try to be open-minded when you read this. There is a lot of information in this letter and I’d like you to try to accept it even though it may be something of a shock to you.

It is about time I let you know what has been going on in my life. I know you have tried to talk to me more than once about me being depressed, quiet and withdrawn. I haven’t been able to talk to you before now. In many ways, I would like to sit down and tell you this face to face but if I try I’m either going to chicken out or at least be terribly inarticulate. So I am writing you this letter to make sure that I say everything I want to say and express myself clearly. Then afterwards we can talk about it, I hope. So I am not writing a letter to avoid talking to you. It’s just important to me that I start out by saying what I need to say.

I am transgender. I have something called gender dysphoria which is a medical/biological condition. It is also called Gender Identity Disorder. Gender dysphoria has a biological explanation. When you are a fetus in your mother’s womb, your brain develops before your genitals do. For most fetuses (most people) these two things, your brain and your genitals are in sync. They fit together. Like you have either a female brain and female genitalia or a male brain and male genitalia. However, for some people they don’t match. It is possible to develop a female brain and male genitals or the other way around (like me) a male brain and female genitalia. That is what transgender means. In the UK, just to give an example, approximately 1 in 4000 people are getting help for gender dysphoria. Assumably, there are more transgender people who are not getting help. There are about five times as many biological males who transition into females than the other way around. It is estimated that around 5000 female-to-male transgender people live in the USA and around 10000-12000 male-to-females. Just to give you some numbers.

Noone knows if gender dysphoria/transgenderism is only caused by the brain and the body developing in two different directions. There may be other reasons as well. But studies have been made that show that many female-to-male transgender people actually have many typical male characteristics in their brains. They physically have male brains. And there bodies are female. And the other way around for male-to-female transgender people.

So I was born a biological girl but I really, really feel like I am a guy and I have always felt this way my whole life!

Female-to-male transgender people (me) are not to be mistaken for lesbians. Lesbians are women who like women. I am not a woman, I just can’t call myself a woman. I am not a lesbian.

Ok… that was the bombshell. That is what I needed to tell you. Please take a deep breath and read the rest of this letter.

I am certain about this, ok? This is not some crazy idea I got and it is not something temporary. It is not a phase and it is not a feeling I developed recently. I have always felt like this. Always. I am not insane, I am not a freak, I am not mentally ill or doing this to get attention. It is not anything like that and it is not my fault. I am not having any fun with this, I wish my body and my brain were in harmony. Anybody would wish that. This is not fun or exciting for me. It is not a lifestyle choice! But it is the way it is and I am sure about it. I have been talking to a certified therapist in Roskilde for about 4 months now. The first thing I did was to see my doctor and he gave me a reference. And it is a long, long time ago that I started learning about this. I googled Gender Identity Disorder and realized right away that THAT was what had been “wrong” with me all these years. I am a member of many online communities or transgender people and have talked to many people in the same situation as me. Then I made my choice to do something about it and see my therapist. He has been very helpful. All the hours I have been spending on the computer researching and learning about my situation is a big part of the reason why I have been isolating myself so much in the last while. It has taken up almost all of my time and energy. Most of the websites and communities I visit are from the States or the UK. There is also a transsexual community in Denmark but they don’t do a lot online and are not very active in real life either.

I’d like to clarify something. When I say transgender, maybe you think of men in dresses, drag queens and very manly lesbians. It’s not the same. But there are so many words and terms and they are confusing. People who just like to dress up as the other gender, like drag queens, are transvestites or cross-dressers. Transgender people are people who identify as the opposite gender and feel themselves to be the opposite gender. These people are also called transsexuals. However, I don’t really care for the term transsexual because being transgender has nothing to do with your sexuality. It has to do with your gender. You see the difference? Like, a biological male transitioning into female may still be sexually attracted to women and a biological female transitioning into male (like me) may still like men. Gender is something else, that is whether you are male or female.

So… what do transgender people do about their gender dysphoria? Well, there are a bunch of options and things you can do to help yourself be happy and comfortable. More than you imagine, probably. Of course there is gender reassignment surgery, kønsskifteoperation, but I’d like to say right away that I am not going to have that. I don’t like the idea of anybody cutting me open. It is very different what people choose to do. It depends on the individual. Some like to have surgery, some don’t like the thought. I do not. But what most people do, and what I am going to do, is undergo hormone replacement therapy. That basically means that you are going to take the hormones that belong to the other gender, the gender you feel yourself to be. That alters your body to fit the image that you would like. So I am going to take testosterone. Ok? My therapist and I are working on getting me started sometime. I hope you are not in shock. Really. It’s ok! Please try to understand this.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day I want to be male and when I walk down the street or look in the mirror or open my mouth I want to look, sound and appear male. I pass as male a lot. Every day someone calls me sir, young man or the like. Really. When I go somewhere and pay in cash, like the hairdresser or the movies and people don’t have to see my credit card or ID I use a male name to make my reservations and it totally goes over. They think I am male. I am getting called sir and boy all the time. I even use male bathrooms most of the time and nobody says a damn thing! But it is obvious that I don’t look like a grown man. I look more like a teenage boy and that’s how I get treated. The purpose of taking testosterone is to put me through male puberty, sort of, and make me look like a grown man. That is what I feel like. That is what I want to look like. Also, I can’t pull it off all the time. For example, I still have to go into the female locker room when I go to the swimming pool. That is wildly uncomfortable to me. I can’t tell you how much that stuff bothers me.

Because I am taken for a boy/man all the time and because I practically grew up as a guy for almost my entire childhood (everybody who didn’t know me thought I was male) I am familiar with life as a guy. I know that the societal expectations and the way people treat you are different from when you are perceived as female. I know what it is like to be a guy and interact with other people as a guy! Right now my problem is peoples’ reaction which goes something like “Hey, your ID says you are a girl... but you look like a guy and you act like a guy! I thought you were a guy!” I stand out because I am officially a girl but people think I am a guy. They are often very surprised and say “how can’t you be a guy, you act so much like a guy”.

Mom, Dad, there is no doubt in my mind! I mentally am a guy.

This goes way back to when I was little. I always felt like this. I always wanted to be a biological boy and be treated like a boy. Nothing made me happier than when people would say “is that your boy?” or “are you brothers?” Hell, we even had a substitute teacher who thought for six months that my name was Steen... I know I have had my girly periods, when I used to play with dolls and played with Jennifer but I was just trying to fit in. That’s all it was. I thought that life would be a lot easier if I could just be a girl and be happy with that. And it would. But I can’t. I just can’t! I have tried and I can’t! I am not a girl! Even in high school and the years after, even when I had a boyfriend. I was just trying to fit in. I was so uncomfortable with myself that it could make me physically sick. I didn’t know that I am not alone and that there are many people with the same problem as me. And I didn’t know that there is nothing wrong with me. There is an explanation for this. It is just the way I was born. I am not a freak of nature or insane. Now I know that. There is nothing to be ashamed of for me and I am not.

I’d like to assure you that you have no fault in this! This is not about anything you did. As I said, it is just the way I was born. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this and there is nothing you can do now to change the way I feel. I appreciate the way you have raised me. Besides the occasional ugly yellow dress (Mormor og Daddy’s Guldbryllup) you have been good about me wanting to be a boy. You let me cut my hair short, you let me wear boys’ clothes and play like a boy. I appreciate that and I would like to thank you for that. It made growing up a lot easier than if you had tried to force girl stuff on me. Thank you.

I understand that it might make you sad that I want to change myself like this. I completely understand that! I just have to do what I have to do to be happy! I hope you can accept that. It has nothing to do with what you have or haven’t given me. You have done nothing wrong that has caused this. I do not wish to change any of the values that you have taught me. I have had a wonderful childhood and I am forever deeply grateful to you for that. It is not in any way as if you have made me unhappy with myself. It is something that is within me and has been since birth. I feel that very strongly, I have always felt that. I KNOW that!

I don’t even know how much this surprises you. I imagine it does surprise you some being as it is kind of a big deal. But are you really that overly shocked? I mean, when is the last time you saw me do something girly? I have never worn make-up and I have never been a nice girly kid. I was falling down from trees and stuff. Yes, I had a horse and that kind of stuff. But that is because I genuinely enjoyed riding, I wasn’t trying to be girly. You raised me. Looking back, haven’t I been more of a boy than a girl? Nowadays, all I think about is sports, music, guns, hanging out with my friends and all that kind of stuff. I don’t ever have girl thoughts and I can not at all see myself as a girl. Not at all!

I still feel sick now when people treat me as a girl or woman. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it makes me. It physically turns my stomach and I feel like I am gonna puke. I have nothing against women. Nothing! I am just not one.

My role models have always been male role models. I remember looking at older guys and male characters when I was little and thinking “that is what I am gonna be like when I grow up”. Among these characters were Jim Morrison (probably not the best role model J), Mulder, Michael Jordan and Mike from Flipper (that TV show with the Dolphin). When I played I always put myself in a male role. Always. Even when playing with girls, I just refused to play a female part. I’d be Kevin (Home Alone) or Mike.

When I look at pictures of myself, I cannot identify with the pictures of me in girls’ clothes or with long hair. It doesn’t feel like I am looking at a picture of myself but of some other kid. I identify with the pictures of me with short hair and boy clothes on.

You are the first persons I write to. I am going to write to *my best friend's name* and my other close friends, to *my brother's name*, to the extended family and to my classmates, the conservatory and the schools in Canada that I am applying to. I expect to be treated with respect and understanding from all. I know there will always be somebody who cannot accept this and somebody who will have a problem with my choice. But I can’t live my life for them no matter who they may be. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.

I hope you can forgive me for being so withdrawn and quiet in the last long while. I have been confused and stressed out about this. Also, it hasn’t been an easy time for me all in all. I really mean it when I say that I want to be in Canada and it makes me so unhappy and depressed when I feel stuck here. Also, losing *a good friend who passed recently* is very, very hard on me. And then this whole thing on top. I have been going through a lot and I hope you can forgive me for not including you. I simply haven’t been able to.

Mom, I sometimes get the feeling that you would wish that I was more of a daughter to you and I understand that. But I can’t be. I’m sorry. I am not a girl. You have two sons.

I really try to eat healthy and exercise and I am in good shape. This means a lot as far as going on testosterone. PCO is a curse to other biological women. To me, it is a blessing in disguise. It gives me a little bit of what I want. It gives me body hair like a guy, heavier musculature than other biological females, a bit deeper voice and so on. These things are not enough for me, though. I need what testosterone can give me to be happy. But PCO does help me feel a little bit better about myself and although I deeply wish for more masculine features it makes me ok with the body I have now because I know it is just temporary until I can get testosterone.

I hope that you are still my family after this. I hope that you can accept me going into this transition from female to male. I am still the same. The same person with the same sense of humor and the same interests and hobbies. I am still your sassy, slightly confused kid who likes hockey and baseball and guns and airplanes and animals, laughing at F.R.I.E.N.D.S, playing guitar and playing sports. I am still me. I am the guy I have always been except soon my body will match my mind. I am very aware that this is not easy to swallow for you. It brings along a lot of changes and I know it is not going to be easy all the time. Any questions you have and anything you need to talk about, I’ll be happy to talk to you about and I will try to answer all you questions. In turn, I ask of you that you keep in mind that coming out to you and writing this letter is not an easy thing to do for me. It is hard to come out to everyone I know but especially you because you are my family. So much can be lost over the statement “I am a guy”. I hope nothing, or as little as possible, will be lost. If you are freaked out or confused, please also keep in mind that I have very much felt the same way throughout my entire life and please respect the courage it takes for me to tell you about this. Now you have time to figure out your thoughts and feelings about this and you can tell me where you stand whenever you are ready.

I am sending you some links for sites on the internet that may be helpful in understanding all this. They are some of the sites that I have been using myself. There are so many articles on gender dysphoria/gender identity disorder and transgenderism. I am also sending you links to videos on YouTube and other sites that would be great to watch. There is a documentary on transgender children (I would like you to watch that one because it shows exactly how I felt growing up) and also the great documentary Middle Sexes that I found educational and inspiring. And there are others too. There are many forums for the families and parents of transgender people. If you would like to become a part of one of them, I can help you find some good links. Also, there is the option of a therapist helping you out if this is very hard on you. Maybe it won’t even be necessary. I don’t know how you will take this or what your thoughts on it will be. This is very real and I will take whatever response you give me to this letter. I know you may never have heard about transgender people before or know what it is all about.

I ask of you to please try to become educated on my situation the best you can, at least read up on transgenderism and gender dysphoria and watch the documentaries. I would really, really appreciate that! Thank you!

Once you start to read, you may notice that it is often mentioned that the suicide rate is high among transgender people. I’d just like to let you know that I am NOT suicidal. I am not considering taking my own life – at all. I am in a hard situation and it is very challenging for me to deal with this. It always has been. But I am excited about seeking help and I do not at all see suicide as an option and I do not ever feel like killing myself. I am just letting you know in case you read it and get really scared. The people who commit suicide because of gender dysphoria are mostly people who have not had the necessary help, counselling, guidance and treatment (like talking to therapists and taking hormones).

Then there is my name. I like the name you have given me and I know that me changing it is probably a big deal for you. I am very sorry but I will have to. I have not settled on a male name yet. I would like to find a name that I feel comfortable with and that you feel ok about too. In the end, I will choose the name that I like but it would mean a lot to me if you liked it too and it would probably make the change a bit easier as well. I remember you telling me that you like short names. Maybe we should talk about what you would have named me if I had been born a biological boy. As I said, I will in the end settle on the name that I am happy with but I would like to take your opinion into account.

This was my coming out letter to you. To sum it up, I have just told you that I am transgender. I hope we can sit down and talk whenever you are ready for that. Below there are some links that you could visit if you’d like. It may help you understand and accept this. At least it will give you some more information. I don’t mind if you talk to somebody else about this if you feel the need to. But I would really, really appreciate if you don’t spread it out to the rest of the family yet. I would like to send out a letter myself!

Mom, I love you.

Dad, I love you.

[Guest AXELXY]

Congrats!

Glad your parents took it well, I hope mine do when I come out.

I think I may write a letter, since I would chicken out when talking face to face, and I like reading other peoples letters because it helps me plan what I may have to include in my own letter. So thanks for sharing your letter Talon.

Hope your transition goes well, good luck!

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

Thank you Axel!

Yes, reading other peoples' letters helped me out a great deal as well. I'm glad if anything in my letter can help you out. My plan with this letter, because I knew I was gonna chicken out or fumble for words face to face, was to create a foundation for talking about it and also to give them time to take in the news without me sitting right there waiting for them to say something right away. Now my parents have gotten back to me and I think it was a really good way to do it. It feels like we're off to a great start because everyone has had time to think and figure out what they'd like to say.

All the luck in the world to you! I hope your coming out and your transition will go well and feel great! If you feel like putting your letter out too when the time comes, I'd love to read it.

Talon

[Guest Talon]

Here's my letter to my older brother. I'm sending it in the morning. I'm anxious but really excited too. I've used a lot of the same elements as in the letter to my parents but it's not the same. Thanx

Dear big brother,

I’m writing you this letter because there’s something I need to tell you. Before I do, I’d like to ask you to be open-minded when you read this. But I know you are so I hope and believe that you can handle it. In a way I’d like to tell you face to face but sometimes when you try to do that words don’t come out quite right. So writing you a letter instead is not an attempt to avoid talking to you. I’d like to talk about this afterwards but starting out with a letter allows me to say what I want to say and express myself clearly. Ok.

I’m transgender. I’m not sure if you know what that means but maybe you have an idea. In Danish it would translate into transkønnet or transseksuel and it basically means that I feel myself to be a boy born into a girl’s body. I have felt this way all my life but I haven’t come out until now. Mom and Dad already know, I told them a few days ago.

I’ve been seeing a therapist in *name of a city nearby* for the last 4 months or so. And I have been researching on this and looking into it for the longest time. I am certain about it and it is not a phase or some crazy idea. It’s the way it is.

Transgender people have something called Gender Dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder. There are various theories as to what can cause these syndroms but in many cases it can be explained biologically. When you are a fetus in your mother’s womb, your brain and your genitalia don’t develop at the same time. For most fetuses, and most people, these two things are in sync and develop in the same direction. But for some people they don’t. So those people can actually end up with a male body and a female brain (which is the most common mix-up) or, like me, with a female body and a male brain. And those people have the diagnose Gender Dysphoria or Transgenderism. Assumably, some people are born with these syndroms and live with them without experiencing any problems. But many people really feel like something is wrong and I am one of them.

So there are different things that transgender people do. Some get surgery to look like the gender they feel themselves to be but I am not going to do that. I don’t like the idea of being cut open. What most people do, and what I am going to do, is get hormone replacement therapy. That means that you start taking the hormones of your desired gender to alter your body to look the way you’d like to look. For me, that means taking testosterone. That happens under supervision of a doctor and a therapist to make sure everything is safe and working the way it’s supposed to. Before you can even get hormones, you have to talk to a therapist for quite a while which is what I am doing right now. This is something I am sure about and something I have always felt. I have spent countless hours talking to people in my situation and educating myself on transgenderism.

Maybe transsexual makes you think about the Priscilla movie and men in drag. There are a lot of terms and words and it gets pretty confusing. But people who like to dress up as the other gender are transvestites or cross-dressers. People who have Gender Dysphoria and feel themselves to really be another gender than their body suggests are transgender people or transsexuals. I don’t really care for the term transsexual, though, because it refers to your sexuality rather than your gender identity. A biological man who transitions into a woman and feels female may still like women and the other way around with a biological woman who transitions into a man. That is very individual and not the same for everybody.

Also, transgender people should not be mistaken for just very sissy gays or very manly lesbians. For example, lesbians are two women together. I simply cannot call myself a woman at all or identify as a woman so I can never be a lesbian. Gender seems to be between your ears and not between your legs.

I don’t know how much this shocks you. I imagine it does surprise you some as it is kind of a big thing. But I also imagine that you aren’t totally, overwhelmingly, knocked-on-your-DONKEY astounded. I mean, we grew up together and I wasn’t exactly acting like a fairy-tale princess. I know I had my girly periods, although they weren’t very prominent, but that was all part of figuring things out and becoming sure of myself (except the horse thing but that’s just because I really do like horses). It didn’t ever feel right acting like a girl and there’s no doubt in my mind. I think about sports, music, guns, motorbikes, hockey stats and so on and I always have.

I hope you can handle me doing this and I hope it doesn’t change things between us. I am still the same person with the same interests. I’m still your slightly annoying sibling. Practically, nothing is really going to change. I’ll be the guy I have always been except my body will match my mind. I think you’re an awesome brother so I hope we can just continue the way we are.

However, there’s my name to think about when going into all this. I don’t feel like looking male and presenting myself as *my birth name* so I will change my name but I am not sure what name I want yet. That’s one of the things to figure out. I know that this is probably a big change for you all to adjust to and I completely understand that so just call me *my birth name* or whatever you want to call me for now. And we’ll see what happens.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day I want to be male and when I walk down the street or look in the mirror or open my mouth I want to look, sound and appear male. I pass as male a lot. Every day someone calls me sir, young man or the like. Really. When I go somewhere and pay in cash, like the hairdresser or the movies and people don’t have to see my credit card or ID I use a male name to make my reservations and it totally goes over. They think I am male. I am getting called sir and boy all the time. I even use male bathrooms most of the time and nobody says a damn thing! But it is obvious that I don’t look like a grown man. I look more like a teenage boy and that’s how I get treated. The purpose of taking testosterone is to put me through male puberty, sort of, and make me look like a grown man. That is what I feel like. That is what I want to look like.

Because I am taken for a boy/man almost all the time and because I practically grew up as a guy for almost my entire childhood (everybody who didn’t know me thought I was male) I am familiar with life as a guy. I know that the societal expectations and the way people treat you are different from when you are perceived as female. I know what it is like to be a guy and interact with other people as a guy! Right now my problem is peoples’ reaction which goes something like “Hey, your ID says you are a girl... but you look like a guy and you act like a guy! I thought you were a guy!” I stand out because I am officially a girl but people think I am a guy. They are often very surprised and say “how can’t you be a guy, you act so much like a guy”.

My role models have always been male role models. I remember looking at older guys and male characters when I was little and thinking “that is what I am gonna be like when I grow up”. Among these characters were Jim Morrison (probably not the best role model J), Mulder, Michael Jordan and Mike from Flipper (that TV show with the Dolphin). When I played I always put myself in a male role. Always. Even when playing with girls, I just refused to play a female part. I’d be Kevin (Home Alone) or Mike.

When I look at pictures of myself, I cannot identify with the pictures of me in girls’ clothes or with long hair. It doesn’t feel like I am looking at a picture of myself but of some other kid. I identify with the pictures of me with short hair and boy clothes on.

I’m also going to Mom and Dad’s on the weekend so we will see each other then. I have to talk some things out with them and probably with you also. They are very accepting and supportive and that is great.

I know this letter is addressed to you but of course this message is for *my brother's wife* as well so feel free to show her this letter. By the way, this explains what I was doing in the men’s department in H&M...

I’m going to write letters to the extended family, to friends and to the school in due time. It’s not a big secret but I’d appreciate if you’ll not tell anybody because I’d like to do that myself. I’d like to let a little more time pass before I tell more people, for example I’d like to be abe to let them know what name they should call me by.

I hope you’ll take a little time to educate yourself on all this. I’m sending you a few links that you can look at if you want to about gender dysphoria. There are tons out there if you feel like learning more.

Thanks for reading this! I look forward to seeing you again.

Your little bro

[Guest Doodlen]

Wow, those are really good letters. Your writing is very good, it's very clear and you cover all the important things very well, and I think you did an amazing job. I'm glad it went well

I love that you reassured them a lot, I think that's so important and really makes a difference. Wonderful letter, really!

PS: Kinda off-topic, but are you originally from Canada or Denmark? And is your family in the same country as you are right now? I was just curious.

[Guest Talon]

Thank you very much Doodlen! I appreciate you comment!

If you think my letters can help you any please just use whatever you want from them!

I was born in Denmark and my parents are both native Danes. I lived in Canada though and identify as a Canadian even though I am not yet a citizen. Kind of a strange story I guess but everything seemed to fall into place when I moved there and it was like going home. So Canada is home to me. I'm in Denmark at the moment and so are my parents and brother but hopefully my plans will work out to move back to Canada and study next year *hopeful smiley*

Whereabouts in Canada are you from?

[Guest AXELXY]

I would like to make sure I was out for a day and leave the letter where she will find it before I leave. Because just like you I would hate to give her the letter and have to wait awkwardly for her response, and her response in my case will probably be bad at first. I know that because me being transgender was brought up by my sister once (Because she suspects I'm trans) and my mum gets really angry when she says that and she said if either me or her was transgender she would have us 'fixed.' She said she'd do the same if we were gay. So she probably won't be too happy with the fact that I'm pansexual either. xD Though some of my friends and my sister know I'm pan.

But yeah, I'll probably post my coming out letter when I come out.

I'm thinking about leaving the letter for her to find before I leave to stay at my friend's house for a day so she'll have a whole day and night to think about it. (Though I hope she doesn't phone my friend's house to try get a hold of me. ¬_¬) My friend is open though, she asked me if I was trans once and she said if I was she wouldn't mind. But I won't be staying over at her house until November, so I have like a month.

But good news! (For me anyway) My mum brought home little bottles of aftershave for my step-dad and since he didn't want them I took them.

Thanks for posting your letter to your brother by the way.

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

I think the "out for the day" tactics are good thinking If your Mom does take it real bad then at least she'll have time to cool down and hopefully start thinking more rationally And you have somewhere to stay over if things should go bad.

I don't know your Mom personally but I heard about quite a few parents and other family members who said things like what your Mom said. About not being able to handle/accept it if anyone in the family was trans, gay, bi, pan etc. etc. And things way worse than that too! But when it came down to it and the person actually came out as something, they just couldn't not try to accept it because they loved the person so much and didn't realize what they were saying before. So even though they had strong feelings or principals about gender, sexuality etc., they found themselves willing to work on it and try to accept and understand when it happened for real. Even to their own surprise. So yeah.. I don't know your Mom but I hope that if she starts out bad, that's what'll happen! I hope all the best for you!! I have everything crossed and whenever the time comes for you to come out I look forward to reading your letter if you decide to post it

Awesome luck on the aftershave That's great ha ha! About that, what aftershave is it and is it good? I want to get a really nice aftershave that smells good, doesn't have an overpowering macho odour and won't irritate my skin. The last couple I've tried have just been terrible even though they were supposed to be gentle on the skin and stuff and they just smelled like a busful of Italian womanizers on a hot day Of course there are all the odourless, organic brand or whatever aftershaves but they're a tad too girly... He he..

By the way, I was wondering about your name? I think Axel is an awesome name! It's a very common Danish/Scandinavian name. How did you choose it? Just wondering

I hope everything will go smooth for you!!!

Talon

[Guest Rowan19]

Wow, good job. Even I'm no where near that god at explaining myself in writting. I get tongue tied a lot, and my words twisted as well. The photo thing I can relate to also, I don't like seeing a stranger standing there with my dad. Though the letter idea is good. Hope all goes well.

-Rowan

[Guest Talon]

Thank you Rowan

All the best to you also!

Talon

[Guest AXELXY]

I probably will post my letter to my mum when I come out, I think it'd be best keeping it as short as possible for her 'cause she finds it hard reading long letters without any help, so it'll most likely be much shorter than yours. I think she will accept me, but I know she'll cry and I hate it when she cries. She'll come 'round eventually though. But I'm sure I will be disowned by my Christian family, but I'm not too concerned about them, they've never been a big part of my life anyway. But my sister will accept me definitely, I know that because she is already convinced I'm trans and always asks me. In a way I can't wait to come out but I'm also scared and I know when I leave the letter I'll be thinking about it all night. But it's for the best.

Oh and about the aftershave... I never got to pick it but the best one in the little bundle she picked up was Lacoste Challenge. Me being me I just had to wear it to school and all my friends kept asking me if I was wearing aftershave, haha. It was pretty awkward but oh well, it was better than wearing perfume.

He he, thanks. I chose the name Axel because while having the casual "are you trans" conversation with my sister I asked her what name she would want me to have if I were to change it. She said 'Axel' because we both love Kingdom Hearts and I'm cosplaying as the character Axel next year at Anime Expo because she said he suited me. Before that conversation I was already considering Axel and was mentally referring to myself as Axel to see if it fitted, and it did. When she said Axel also, I decided that was it. There were other names I was considering, but I kept coming back to Axel.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you choose your name?

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

That makes sense. I am glad you feel somewhat confident about their reaction! I think it makes sense if it is a handful for people to get used to. As long as they are trying It's really good to know that your sister will be ok for sure! As far as your Christian family, well.. as Dr. Seuss says those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

I definitely felt the hours in between when I sent the letter and my family got back to me to be interminable. I was at the same time shaking nervous about it all and not nervous at all because I knew it was the right thing and that they wouldn't freak out after all. That was a stressful while but it was such a relief after we talked and I was on cloud nine for a week after and still am a little bit. It is such a relief that they know.

I wish you all the luck in the world

I will check the Lacoste Challenge out. Funny situation at school Think it's too cool that you just wore it. It is definitely better than some stinky, girly perfume ha ha

Good to hear the story behind your name

I chose Talon because I really liked how it looked at sounded the first time I saw it. I don't really know what it was about it, I just thought "This name fits me and feels awesome to say". I actually didn't know that it means claw back then and I first saw it on an innocent baby boy so I never thought of the possible violent/rough quality of the name. Later on when I found out I thought it sucked a bit because I don't particularly care for that meaning. I don't think of it as a negative reference, it actually doesn't bother me at all but it's just not what I had associated the name with up until then so I kind of had to get reaquainted with the name a bit. But no matter if I tried to dislike it or choose another name I still liked Talon better, simply because I think it sounds and looks nicer and fits me better than any other name I can think of. The more I have thought about the claw reference the more ok I am with it too:) Also, Talon happens to be the name of the son of a friend of mine who died tragically so the name has come to carry a special meaning to me which only makes me like it better That's my reasons

Talon

[Guest Bunny]

I really do have to say thanks for posting your letter. I'm writing one to my father to tell him, though I actually have to mail it because he lives in a different state, and it's been kind of hard to think of what I should include, what I shouldn't, ect. So it's nice to have other letters to check out for ideas.

Now I just have to figure out the best way to write to a man I haven't seen in two years. Fingers crossed and all that I suppose!

[Guest Talon]

Bunny, you are most welcome. I wish you all the luck!! I hope it will go well!!

Everything crossed,

Talon

[Guest AXELXY]

Yep, my Christian family don't matter to me at all. It sounds sad to say I don't care about them, but to be honest I don't. They've never showed any interest in me and I don't think I've ever had a proper conversation with any of them. They've just never really been involved in my life and I know they won't like 'me' anyway. They are the kind of Christians that bend the Bible to their liking, they are homophobic and hateful to anyone who isn't 'doing what God tells them' and yet they say they spread 'love...' I don't think I'd mind if they didn't want to know me anymore. But I'm not sure if my dad would be accepting, and I do like my dad so I'd be quite hurt if he didn't accept me. But I guess as you say "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Haha, yep, it was.

Her:"Are you wearing aftershave"

Me:".... o.O"

Her:"...It must be the boys infront of us."

I think the name Talon sounds awesome aswell! It's a great name!

I didn't know it meant claw though. Mine means 'Father of Peace,' haha, it sounds very hippy!

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

Heh, all the bible benders I met in my life I don't really miss. I have a hard time with that kind of stuff. (Wait, who made up that rule again? God or YOU!? ) Of course it'd be nice if they could be accepting but at least it doesn't sound like it's a really close part of your family that you have spent a lot of time with. So yeah, it's more important about your Dad. I hope he will be able to give you his support!

Ha ha, the conversation with your friend is hilarious Think I'd have burst out in snickers ha ha.

I didn't know the meaning of Axel. That is cool Slightly hippie yeah but still an awesome meaning to an awesome name.

[Guest Doodlen]

Sorry if this is a tiny bit off-topic, but that 'Bible-Benders' thing reminded me of a lyric from a song. It's from the song Daughterson by Cotoye Grace (LOVE THEM <3 They have a lot of trans-related songs, the guy is FtM. Kinda country, but still great songs). So I just figured I'd pop in and share the quote:

"You say I'm going to hell, well I've been down that well, and God is a big boy He can speak for himself. Don't mess with God's design, but where do you draw the line? What about botox, diet pills, facelifts, braces, nuclear warfar, deforestation, laser hair removal, hydrogenated oils, the death penalty, viagra... Well I think I'm doing fine"

[Guest Talon]

Doodlen, that's awesome stuff! I am checking more of them out right away! Thanks for chipping in, I mean stuff like that is never really off-topic

[Guest Damond]

I'm not so sure about writing a letter to my parents... personally I like to have more face-to-face confrontations about the serious stuff, and do very well if I have what I want to say. I just also want to be able to provide factual stuff, like have papers ready--PFLAG, therapist pages, and research about trans to provide to my parents. I want to get all of that together before I come out, make it feel more official and not just a spur of the moment idea. Talon you seemed to have some researched based information in your letter... where did you get some of your information?

And as far as parents go--I can't really tell them both at the same time, because they are divorced. Something like this would communicate fast between them, and I would probably have to ask that they not tell the other before them... the whole, hear it from me and not someone else factor.

My dad I think would be more accepting about it, maybe, he was really interested in a Renee Renee feature on ESPN (MtF tennis player during the 80s), and he was excited to watch it and mad when it didn't record... but then, I'm not really close with my dad and am not fond of him. He's a bit of an alcoholic and can say some careless things that he often means as a joke but I take it pretty seriously. I see himi trying to make a joke out of it in some way but me taking it badly.

I'm a lot closer with my mom, since we both share a lot of feelings of dislike and similar experiences about my dad... I know she doesn't have a problem with gays, and she knows I read a lot of M/M romance stuff and can only wonder why. Being trans that might answer that question, but she is a bit religious as well (pray before dinner, go to church on holidays). She is who I want to come out to first, but like I said, I see her having a harder time with it (also that whole parent of same gender thing)...

But I also just really want to come out and get a start on all of this, and be on T by the time I'm into college so I can experience it as I want... so I know I need to get a start on this, but I just am a little stuck on how.

[Guest Talon]

I think the choice to come out in a letter or face-to-face is very individual. Only you know what would work the best for you. Well.. I hope everything will go well! It sounds like a good idea to tell them individually and ask them not to talk about it with each other before you have personally told both of them. It's just nice to be the one to give the first-hand information and if you are the kind of person who can say what you want to say under a bit of pressure, it sounds like you'll be able to explain yourself clearly from the start I wish you all the luck, I sure hope they will take it well. Without knowing your Mom.. if she already seems ok with you reading M/M stuff and if she doesn't express a problem with gays maybe her religion won't stand in the way of her accepting. I hope not I mean, if she felt religious in the gay-bashing way she'd maybe have expressed her disapproval already.

As far as the research in my letter, I have been reading and educating myself on Gender Dysphoria for the longest time and I learned these things on various websites. I don't remember exactly which ones but I know I googled Gender Dysphoria and Transgenderism and found medical/biological explanations, statistics etc. etc. I think I searched for "what is gender dysphoria" and "gender dysphoria how many people" or something like that. My parents told me that they were happy I included some tangible information on what it is, how many people are estimated to have it etc. Gave them some perspective I guess. So yeah, as I am sure you know, there are tons of stuff on the net and I found out so much even from a simple Google search

Good luck, hope we can help you in here if you need anything!

[Guest Damond]

okay well I found a pretty good website ( http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.aspx ) It doesn't really have statistics or anything, but it has some of the why/how. I might look for some more statistics. I read over all of the pages in the website I linked, and copy/pasted most into a doc to print off for my parents... I didn't include the discrimination one. It seemed to depict the discrimination as harsh, and I'm sure it is, but I don't want to scare my parents out of the idea... yet I don't want to leave it all together. Should it be something I bring up later on maybe, when they're a bit more settled with the idea and not looking for an excuse to reject the idea? Also; I know Wikipedia isn't the best source to be using, but a page on transmen had a lot (to me) of historical/famous figures that were transmen, even back to the civil war. My dad is a history teacher, and a history buff. Maybe I should include some of that in there, too?

[Guest Damond]

and Talon, in the letter to your parents you mentioned links to sites and videos^^ do you have those to post or let me look at? They aren't included in what you posted here.

[Guest Talon]

Hey that's a good link I didn't have that one but I'll keep this site in mind to show to my parents/others I come out to.

I also chose to not include anything about discrimination in my coming out letter except the "I know some people will have a problem with this" - part. I didn't want to scare my parents and make them think that I am in danger every day when I go out in public. I also made it a point to assure them that I am not suicidal so they don't think I am at risk of that.

My parents tell me that they haven't looked at the links I included a lot or watched any of the documentaries yet, not because they don't want to, but because they feel like they need a little more time and need some personal conversations with me before learning more on the internet. But at the same time, I get the vibe from them that they are happy to have the links if they suddenly feel like they need some info and I am not available.

Discrimination, among other things, came to cross their mind naturally when they started thinking about how transgender people live. So I let them come up with their questions themselves as part of their own process and then I gave them an answer in a calm way. It seems to help them that way. Like my Dad was wondering about bathrooms and peoples' reactions and my Mom was wondering about future employers having a problem. It's good for all of us that we talk these things out as they come up instead of everything being included in the letter. I think the letter and the coming out message itself was enough for them to handle too. All these thoughts come up afterwards but it's part of a process and I think it is healthy to take one thing at a time and deal with questions as they arise. I think it would have been too much for them to have all these following concerns presented to them along with my coming out.

My parents were glad that I wrote I am not suicidal. They do check up on me - a lot because they realized how hard being transgender is and they just want to know how my day is going, if I'm in good spirits and things like that. So I think the mentioning of many transgender people (I guess all of us) getting depressed and dysphoric also helped them realize that I need them to be there for me.

I personally think it would be cool to mention in your letter that many historical figures were trans. I mean, maybe it won't mean a lot to your Dad/parents right when they read the letter and get their head around it. But if your Dad is a history buff, he'll probably find it interesting and ask about it sometime. Maybe it'd be a good angle on it for him and a good way to start talking about it because that is a point of interest for him. My Dad is a history teacher/buff as well and both he and my Mom started researching on famous people who were trans. It's kind of funny. It's a really good thing because it helps them understand that "people actually live like that" So I'd definitely include it, maybe not the list itself, but mention that there are many figures they can relate to who are transgender.

The links from my letter are posted below along with some comments I included. I also made them aware of Laura's in case they need to talk to other parents/SOs at some point. Of course there are tons and tons of links but this is what I gave them to start with.

http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/fg/pdf/Understanding_gender_dysphoria.pdf Information on Gender Dysphoria.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPffj8k7iLk Documentary in six parts about transgender children. It is a great documentary except they use female pronouns for the biological girls who transition into boys and male pronouns for the male-to-female transgender kids. That has been criticized a lot and it does annoy me but I still think it is a great documentary. This is part 1, all six parts are on YouTube.

I hope it helps

Talon.

[Guest Talon]

Here are the rest of the links, I wasn't allowed to include them all in one post.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=middle+sexes+&aq=f The documentary Middle Sexes in 10 parts that is also great. It is about transgender people as well as gender identity and gender definition in general. I found it inspirational to watch.

Ryan Sallans, who is a female-to-male transgender guy from the States on coming out to the family. He has a lot of videos on YouTube.

Another Ryan Sallans video.

[Guest Talon]

And the last one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEczLupVK6k The documentary “Sex Change: A revealing journey” on transgender people.