My coming out letter to parents

[Guest Damond]

sweet thanks I wrote out a rough letter anyways last night, and borrowed a little from yours O.o just the kind of numbers of people in the population and some of the medical reasoning on being trans. I couldn't help but include a little bit of Jeffree Star, though, lol. He's not trans but some of his "be yourself" quotes are good but yeah I need to add in some for the future stuff, like as far as college and employment goes. I'll add in some of the links you gave me. Thanks

[Guest Talon]

You're very welcome, glad you can use it! Good luck!

[Guest AXELXY]

Gah, sorry I've not been on the laptop lately, my charger broke. -.-

That's why you've not been hearing from me lately. Stupid laptops and there fancy chargers! >.>

I'll look through those videos aswell though.

Remember I was saying about coming out when I was staying over at a friends so that my mum has time to think things through, well I was just informed that while I'm away my other friend is staying at my house with my sister...so maybe it's best to come out some other time when there is no one coming over. I'm kinda disappointed 'cause I was gonna be out on Saturday, and because it was a good opportunity to leave a letter. But I guess I'll just need to find another time...

Though good thing is I've been passing alot more lately because my mum cut my hair.

I told her I was 'considering' (note the 'considering') cutting my mohawk off and next thing I know she's at it with scissors! :'( She thinks she's some proffesional hairdresser or something!

As much as I loved my hair, it's good to be able to pass alot more. Though I hate that it's brown, haha. It needs brightening up.

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

Yeah I know what you're saying! Computers are great - when they work

Gah, I'm sorry that your coming out plans for this weekend got messed up! It's really annoying when you get yourself prepped up for it and feel ready to do it at a certain time. But don't worry, there will be another good time to do it soon! I found the last little while before I came out to be like that! I was gonna send my letter to my parents too on a certain day and then I found out they were having their friends over for dinner. Things like that. I hope there will be a good time soon and that it'll go well! I guess to look on the bright side you have time to prepare and think it through even more. Of course that's annoying if you feel ready to get it out there.

Ha ha sounds like your Mom loves your mohawk

Cool that you pass more!! Hey let me know what you decide to do with your hair, I can always use inspiration!

[Guest AXELXY]

Well that lovely new charger I bought turned out to work for what? A few days? -.-

It keeps charging for a little while then stops for ages! D:

BUT GREAT NEWS! I came out today!

I left the letter on the table and went to school.

My sister and mum had to leave before me 'cause my sister had to be dropped off to go to college and my step dad left work early, so I used that oppurtunity to leave the letter and go, 'cause my mum would be the only one in for a few hours after she dropped my sister off. When I was walking home from school she picked me up (D:) to tell me that she loves and supports me! I've still not said anything to anyone else yet though.

I might ask my mum if I can stay off school tomorrow so we can get things at school sorted out and let the teachers know. :3

-Axel

[Guest Talon]

Axel, congrats!! That is so awesome!! :thumbsup:

Whooooa, dude, I'm really glad to hear about your Mom's reaction!! There are so many things to sort out and people yet to tell but man, you are off to a GREAT start when she loves and supports you!! That's just gonna make everything else easier! Wahooo, buddy, this made my day

Sucks about the charger but the good news pretty much dulls that out, ha ha

Phew, this is great! I was wondering how coming out was going for you so it's truly awesome to hear that it went well!!

Great doing, ye brave man!

Talon.

[Guest AXELXY]

Thank ya!

Since then all of my family know (except one who hates LGBT >.<), even the Christian ones, and they have actually been really supportive! I feel bad for doubting them... :3 And I was really worried about telling my dad, but it turns out he was probably the most fine with it! o.o He took me to his house for a few hours and spoke to me, and told me about a crossdresser he used to know. I'm actually going to my dads house in an hour to help him put his Christmas tree up, since coming out I think we're going to be more closer, because I'll be seeing him atleast once a week now. Then someone my mum knows (I think he's my cousin's dad, I've only ever spoke to him a few times) phoned and said he supports me and he actually is friends with a transwoman and he would like me to meet her. Sure, my mum has been having a hard time with it, she's really upset but she's trying her best. She took me shopping for some new clothes and threw all my old clothes away and is going to take a picture of 'her son' to put on the mantle piece. So it's all good.

Though my mum convinced me to not tell the school for a while since she wants me to see a therapist first. But that's kinda hard since my friends want to do stuff with me at the weekend and I have to keep turning them down since I only have boys clothes and if they came to my house all my old clothes are gone and all my perfume has suddenly disappeared and been replaced with aftershave! Even the presents under the Christmas tree say 'Axel.' I want to tell my friends but I know somehow at school no matter who you tell it spreads in a day. -.- So my 'social' life is a disaster at the moment! But great news is I pass all the time and everything is great at home! Makes me want to never go to school 'cause it's like living a double life. D: So I've not been there since Tuesday, but I'll have to go back on Monday... -.- Oh the dread.

So how've you been? I'm so glad I'm getting a new laptop for Christmas, this one is falling apart, haha. Even my internet 'social' life is down the drain. XD Virgin Media came and gave us some new wifi router which my laptop is apparently not compatable with. Grr. >.< Had to get my computer expert uncle up to make my internet work. Though I have no idea how he managed that. o.O

-Axel.

[Guest Talon]

Wauw, good to hear you're family is so on board (beside that one person), even the very religious part! It's so good to hear.

I get what you're saying about feeling bad for doubting them. I feel that way about some people too who reacted way better than I thought they would. The thing is, it's such a big step to come out to people and as far as how they'll react, you can only base your expectations on what you've heard them say and seen them do previously. Maybe when you know you have to come out to them in the future, you focus more on words or actions from them that look like they'll cause problems. I think that's what I've been doing with some people anyways. Like focusing on things they said in the past that might be construed as "anti-trans" while I didn't focus half as much on all the good and open-minded things they said and did. But I mean, it's so easy to worry a lot and that's only natural, I think. When people react better than what you thought, that's just awesome! There's no need to beat yourself up about it, it's just cool to realize that people are more on your side than you gave them credit for I secretly tried to make up for not giving them enough credit by doing something good for them spontaneously, like giving them an extra hug or make them hot chocolate. At least, it made me feel a little better Ha ha.

Awesome that your Dad is ok with it! If it bring you guys closer, that's so great!! I find my coming out brought me closer to my parents instantly, not least my Dad. I have always been myself and it's not like my personality changed. But certainly a lot of tension and confusion vanished! My Dad for instance used to get so mad at me because I was obviously miserable and wouldn't (couldn't) tell them what was wrong. That created a lot of tension between him and me. That's all gone now and we are able to just enjoy each other's company, talk sports and cars as we've always done, but now knowing what's been wrong. So I think coming out instantly creates a more relaxed atmosphere (when the other person is fine with it, of course) and takes away a lot of confusion. For me, it worked wonders between my brother's wife and me as well. It took away that expectation of a woman-to-woman sister-like relationship that I obviously hated and avoided with all my might. Now we can just be friends and we have a zillion times more fun together. So, just to tell you what's happened to me ever since I came out to my family, it pretty much fixed all the broken relations. I hope things will be awesome with you and your Dad, especially since you were nervous about telling him. Must be a huge relief Also very cool about the cousin who phoned you!

We're pretty much in the same boat as far as a messed up social life It's so weird, this in-between vacuum where some people know and others don't. And yeah, it just forces you to say no to some things, unfortunately. I get your point about not being able to just have your friends over like that and see how you've switched out so many things in your life from girl stuff to boy stuff. It'd just be weird and probably not really the way to come out to them. I also get your point about not just being able to tell everyone at once or risk a stupid rumor at school. It's a very hard situation, I find. At this point, I'm still keeping my men's deo, body wash, my razor etc. in my own room and out of the bathroom, not walking around in shorts (got fur) etc. because I am not out to my roommate yet. Fortunately, I am moving to my OWN apartment very soon and can NOT wait to have my own place and sport my majestic fur and walk around in my underwear Also, the internet modem is in my room and sometimes my roommate has to go in there when I'm not home to restart it. I hate that, because my hamper is full of boxershorts, my deos etc. is on the shelf and so on. These things stressed me out so much to the point where I couldn't think of much else than "what if this person and that person finds out!?". But... I think the trick is to sort of laugh it off as much as possible. I forced myself to think "you know what, they're gonna find out pretty soon anyways... so what if they accidentally find out that I use Axe bodywash or men's deo? Or that I wear boy's underwear?". I mean... if they actually find out and think that I am trans... well... they're right My roommate, for instance, HAS to know these things by now.. but she's still nice to me, want to eat together and watch movies.. so, I try not to make it a big deal. We go to the same school so she'll know soon when I come out to my classmates there.

This whole thing, about not caring what others think, has become very important to me by the way. I mean, obviously, I would prefer that everyone is fine with it. I think most of the people I am around will be. But if there's someone there, who has already decided that I am a sick freak and that they don't ever WANT to try to understand or support me, what can I do? I do care but I don't care enough to let it bring me down and I am not going to waste my steam on trying to turn them around or stop being who I am because of them. That's just a thought that has really helped me through lately and with a bit of practice it took away a lot of worries.

But really.. training myself to be ok with "slip-ups".. like leaving your razor in the bathroom, accidentally exposing a hairy leg etc.. it's really helped me. Because I was really, really nervous about coming out to people at school etc. But because they have noticed a change in me, they know that something is going on. I mean, it is obvious that I dress and act like a boy. But some of my friends accidentally saw my deodorant and underwear on a school trip, they saw me print out a name change application by accident, they overheard "hard-to-disguise" phone conversations between my therapist and me, I am more and more careless about shaving so I have a bit of stubble and so on. So they know something is going on for sure... the fact that they are all still nice to me and include me makes me feel more and more secure about coming out and when I do soon, I think it will be a quite natural step for everybody. So I am just saying that this weird, annoying, uncomfortable in-between thing can actually bring about a few good things too

This doesn't mean I never stay home or avoid my friends. I still do that and I totally get why you feel like you gotta do that too. It's a personal process and I think it's important to only do what you feel like you should do and are ready for, even if it means being bored on a Saturday night sometimes. I guess, for a little while, it's a sacrifice we make. But it gets better, I'm sure

It's good to hear that your Mom is trying even if she finds it a bit hard. I try my best to put myself in my parents' place because my Mom has many questions and such. And frankly, it has to be quite the adjustment to make when you thought all along you had a girl. I really think it's the honest effort that counts. It's awesome that she puts your real name on gift tags, wants a boy picture of you etc. It sounds like it's going in the right direction and will work out in time. I really hope the best for you! To start with, I told my parents that I was fine if they had a hard time calling my anything else than my girl name and they both said that might be a problem. But now, after a little while, my Mom asked me what I wanted them to call me because my girl name is getting to weird. That made me so happy and showed that sometimes they just need a little time to get on board with things and realize what is happening

As for me, things are fine, thank you My therapist hopes to start me out on T fairly early in 2012. He's on my side and an awesome dude, the process is just slow here in little, restricted Denmark. But he's doing all he can so I am hopeful. Other than that, just prepping to come out officially to the rest of the world and waiting for my name change application to be processed

This was quite the rant Did not mean to talk about myself all the time but just really wanted to share my experiences cos we seem to be in fairly similar situations as far as a lot of things. Awesome that you're getting a new laptop! Computers are so weird, I think sometimes they just don't like you or something...

Take care man! Let me know what's going on

Talon.

[Guest wonderdillon]

You are my hero.

[Guest again]

That is a great letter Talon!

As a parent of a FtM son (who also sent us a letter by the way) I can say that for us it was definitely the best way to receive and absorb the information. As our son lives on the other side of the country, it would otherwise have been done by phone or email. The problem with that is gathering all of the information that you want to say in a clear and cohesive way and getting across what was obvious in YOUR letter: that despite the fear associated with coming out, you love your parents very much and your letter was very respectful--I'm sure they appreciated that. Our son told us not to call him for a few days after we received the letter because he wanted to give us time to find out more information and to speak to someone about it if we wanted to. Turns out we did & the therapist we spoke to was such a blessing because she understood so perfectly what our son was going through and yet also empathized so well with what we had just found out about our child. I would have been dumbstruck if he called to tell us this news (or even told us in person on a visit). We had no idea about transgenderism; thought our "daughter" was a lesbian and would have been extremely emotional at a time when our son really needed us NOT to be overly emotional.

It's a personal choice as to when anyone decides to share this information with their family, but I do believe that if it is done properly and with an abundance of information, more parents than what people may think will respond in a supportive way, once they have to time to absorb and digest everything.

I'm so happy to hear that things worked out well with your coming out to your parents. They obviously love YOU & that is all that matters. All the best to you!

[Guest Talon]

Hello again,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It's really cool to hear the story from the receiving side.

My big fear when I considered coming out to my parents in person was exactly that for one I'd be really inarticulate, unclear and emotional and they might be so overwhelmed that they weren't able to react right away. I thought a letter would be more gentle on everybody involved. It's very great to hear that's the way it worked for you.

All the best to you and your son as well! You awesome supporting family members/ friends are just the greatest! Your love and acceptance makes all the difference when coming out and transitioning

Best wishes,

Talon.

[Guest Damond]

meh well I don't know if you read it elsewhere, but I came out to my parents. For all the time I spent writing and reviewing a letter, I just ended up telling my mother straight out. I thought it was going well for a few days, but then she felt guilty about just her and not my dad knowing so she gave in and told him... and then my father being the control freak goes and restricts everything... they say they support me though, they just want me to be "sure" and am encouraging that I go to counseling. Though I can't ask them to refer to me as male or anything of the like. Last month or so has been rough but eh... getting there. Not quite how I was thinking it would go but they aren't rejecting or in denial.

[Guest Talon]

Hey man,

Congratulations on coming out! For what it's worth, I'm very glad your parents aren't totally against you to start with. You're really strong to have told your mother in person.

When I came out, my parents were filled with relief to know what had been wrong with me for so long. Everything was rosy for a little while and then all the questions and worries presented themselves. My family is endlessly supportive which I am so grateful for. But there are still lots of things that we need to discuss and lots of things that they need explained and are confused about. There are many things in this process that will be hard for everyone involved even though it is really wonderful and everyone is fine with it. So even though I've come out the talking and the struggles don't stop. It's a gradual thing, I think, and I still have to take a lot of time to talk to my family. Sometimes they still don't understand exactly what I feel, what I want and how I'd like to be treated, addressed and live my life even though I came out to them.

My point is that you may need to tell them over and over and explain yourself again and again before you all figure it out. Also, it probably will take some time for them to adjust to it, to research and learn what's going on with you and what exactly is gonna happen. Maybe it'd be a good idea to research together on what trangenderism is and how YOU feel specifically. This could be done online, through books etc. Is there anyway your parents could see a gender therapist with you? He/she may be able to clear some things out, explain it all in an understandable way and give you advice on how to deal with it as a family.

My Dad's first and main concern was whether testosterone would be harmful to me. I think it's understandable that parents are enormously concerned about their children's well-being and health. Maybe that could be part of the reason your Dad seems to want to restrict everything and go forward slowly. Well, only you know if you are certain and ready and if you are you are! I really, sincerely hope things will go smooth for you! I hope your parents will understand what's happening and how and get fully on board with it. I think it's normal if they are a little scared, worried or confused to start with.

I really want to give some better advice. I am sure if you make a post that mods and other awesome, smart, experienced people in here will have lots to offer! Please write again if there's anything I can do.

GOOD LUCK! Everything will be ok.

All the best,

Talon.

[Guest AdenAngel]

I glad your parents took it well!

I haven't figured out how or when I'm going to end up telling my parents but it probably won't be for a while.

I admire the courage.

[Guest Damond]

Yeah I started seeing a therapist already. I saw her first on November 17th, and I go to see her again Dec. 28th. Hopefully a little more regularly than that since the holiday's have passed lol. She and I are doing some individual stuff to start before we bring my parents in. The counselor is actually trans as well Though I did get in trouble with my parents after the first meeting with her^^'' after all the opression stuff they were doing, I refused to sign some papers that would allow them to get info from the counselor... and then rubbed it in to my parents. >.> Not my best idea, but things were still a little rocky then.

My mother is being a little more forward about it. Like earlier this week I needed a new hoody, we went to the mall. I think she noticed I was drifting away from her as to not be acknowledged as her daughter, so rather than calling my by my female given name (and since she doesn't really like Damond) she called me *last name* child to get my attention instead; so I wouldn't be identified as female. We went into Sears, and she's the one that goes straight for male teens department. I was like, okay sweet. We didn't get anything though. Then she got me a new winter jacket for christmas, and she told me "I tried to go gender neutral with this... I saw a student's dad wearing something similar to it." so while she may not like my sagging my pants (I already got yelled at for that, "I hate it when people wear their pants like that!") she's at least going for gender neutral/unisex stuff O.o

But yeah the first like 2 weeks there was a lot of repeating and explaining myself to them... I admit I was getting frustrated with it, but I think they are at least getting it a little better now.

[Guest Talon]

Hey Damond,

I think it's great that your Mom is at least loosening up a bit I mean, preferably everyone would just be totally on board with it from day one. The thing is that we have to accept that sometimes people need a little time, probably especially parents and other who are very close to you. Even if they don't have a fundamental problem with what you are doing, it must still be a big change to discover that your child is not the gender you thought he/she was and to adjust to all the changes it brings about.

Maybe after a while, they will get more at ease with your transition and accept that you want boy stuff. I think it is great that your Mom at least realizes that you don't want to be dressed like a girl and acknowledges that you are uncomfortable being referred to as female in public. At least drifting towards unisex is an improvement

My parents are currently getting used to calling me Talon and while they want to with all their hearts, they have many years of my girl name, the name they gave me, behind them so it takes a long time. We sometimes have to give people some time, I think.

But I also think it's important to be persistent and insist that you feel what you feel. For example, I am completely with you on not signing the papers, even if it did create trouble. Everyone has a right to privacy. It's important to let people know how you feel and explain yourself if you want them to understand but you, and only you, should control who gets what information and from who. So yeah, I don't think you did anything wrong.

I hope all the best for you! Let us know how things are going.

All the best and a very Merry Christmas!

Talon