My experience with God

[Guest S. Chrissie]

I guess I just wanted to share this experience of mine. I went to our church camp at a resort a few weeks ago and we had a pastor from Manila that came to preach and to pray prophetically to us.

On the first night, when Pastor X started his prophetic prayer, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was eager to listen “I hope he chooses me!”, on the other hand, I wasn’t keen on it “please don’t choose me” because I was afraid of what I was going to hear, I was afraid that I would be rebuked, and everything would crumble around me, it would probably be the last straw to drive me down the cliff ever since I felt psychologically dead.

I was afraid and eager at the same time. But in the end, I decided that I didn’t want to hear any Word for me. During the 2^nd session in the morning, I was pleading hard that the pastor will not prophesize over me, I didn’t want to face it.

In the 3^rd session, I was starting to think about me being in church. I was wondering what’s the point of being in church if I wasn’t good/holy/pious enough? Why am I here if no one acknowledges me and probably thinks I am wrong and delusional? I was thinking that maybe I should have stopped going to church back then. I was wondering what’s the point of clinging on if no one accepts me & there’s no future to look forward to, might as well be physically dead, as I already felt psychologically dead.

But when we were told to pray, all of a sudden, I had a change of heart. Maybe it was a last ditch effort. I confronted God and just said “God, if you are real and you are here and you care, give me a clear definite confirmation. Rebuke me if the path I am on is wrong. Rebuke me rebuke me rebuke me today. I want to hear Pastor X say ‘Chris, you are wrong’ today. I want to hear that now because I am tired”. After I prayed that, I didn’t know what to expect. Will Pastor Jo Jo prophesize over me? Will he even touch this struggle of mine? But I did what I could, I cried out.

During prophesizing training, a friend of mine gave me a word “Acceptance”. She said she felt God said that I’ve been striving so hard for acceptance, to be good enough, doing this doing that and worrying about being accepted by other people. She said that I shouldn’t worry about being accepted by others, because God accepts and loves me unconditionally, no matter what I do or who I am.

I was speechless when I heard that. Of course, I had my doubts, I wondered whether she said what she said not because it was God who was speaking through her, but because we’ve been friends for a year now and she could have caught wind of things about me and my struggles. I wasn’t sure whether it was real or not. “God, is that You? How do I know this is what You wanted to say?”. I was expecting to be rebuked, so I thought what my friend said was just plain random encouragement.

We had a sharing session after the training, for us to share some of the prophetic prayers we got that we think were really speaking to us. During the sharing session, I was dead set on not going out to share and keep it to myself. But when Pastor X asked for one last person to share their testimony, something just prompted me to raise my hand. I was thinking “no, I don’t want!” but then decided “fine, I will go out”. It’s not like I’ve shared much. Ever since the whole thing with people I’d rather stay far away from, I’ve vowed to keep my mouth shut and not share anything, because no one cares and no one listens.

I had to stand at the front shyly for a few moments as everyone went back to their seats. I shared what my friend prophesized over me and what I’ve been thinking earlier in the session. Half way through, I felt overwhelmed & got a lil weepy. Maybe I started to believe that it was God who said that through her? After sharing, as I started to walk back to my seat, Pastor X suddenly extended his arm and asked me to stay. Instinctually, I reached out & he just held my hand firmly & started prophesizing. I’ve never knew how it felt like to hold hands with a dad, but I have to admit, I felt safe, comfort and warmth as the pastor held my hand. It felt like it was God Thyself that was holding my hand, a daddy holding a daughter’s hand.

What ensured utterly baffled & surprised me. I was expecting rebukes and probably condemnations and some “you are my son, a man” added to the fray. But there was none! The pastor said that God is saying that He loves me unconditionally, that I shouldn’t worry about things around me, issues at home, or things in the next month, the next 2 months, the next 3 months. Do not be concerned because “I will take care of things”, Just begin to love Me Don’t feel as if you don’t deserve it (love).. Peace just washed over me & I realized that he used female pronouns, as if saying indirectly “do not doubt, you are my daughter”. All these while, Pastor X was still holding onto my hand firmly

I was speechless & utterly stunned. No rebukes? No “Chris, you are wrong?” Okie, so maybe there’s no condemnations in prophetic messages as they are used to encouraged, but surely there must be some “you are my son” “ a *something* man” kind of thing, there was none..none at all.

I didn’t know how to respond..the warmth, the peace..it as God..but it wasn’t what I expected! People said I am wrong because the Bible said so, but God said otherwise! All I could do was cry and cry and cry.Even as I write this, I’ve been crying, not tears of despair & hopelessness, but tears of overwhelming awe and wonder. This was my first time crying till I started speaking in tongues.

I feel renewed, my doubts gone & I just feel so passionate about knowing & serving this Father we have.

On the first night, when Pastor Jo Jo started his prophetic prayer, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was eager to listen “I hope he chooses me!”, on the other hand, I wasn’t keen on it “please don’t choose me” because I was afraid of what I was going to hear, I was afraid that I would be rebuked, and everything would crumble around me, it would probably be the last straw to drive me down the cliff ever since I felt psychologically dead.

I was afraid and eager at the same time. But in the end, I decided that I didn’t want to hear any Word for me. During the 2^nd session in the morning, I was pleading hard that the pastor will not prophesize over me, I didn’t want to face it.

In the 3^rd session, I was starting to think about me being in church. I was wondering what’s the point of being in church if I wasn’t good/holy/pious enough? Why am I here if no one acknowledges me and probably thinks I am wrong and delusional? I was thinking that maybe I should have stopped going to church back then. I was wondering what’s the point of clinging on if no one accepts me & there’s no future to look forward to, might as well be physically dead, as I already felt psychologically dead.

But when we were told to pray, all of a sudden, I had a change of heart. Maybe it was a last ditch effort. I confronted God and just said “God, if you are real and you are here and you care, give me a clear definite confirmation. Rebuke me if the path I am on is wrong. Rebuke me rebuke me rebuke me today. I want to hear Pastor Jo Jo say ‘Chris, you are wrong’ today. I want to hear that now because I am tired”. After I prayed that, I didn’t know what to expect. Will Pastor Jo Jo prophesize over me? Will he even touch this struggle of mine? But I did what I could, I cried out.

During prophesizing training, Edna gave me a word “Acceptance”. She said she felt God said that I’ve been striving so hard for acceptance, to be good enough, doing this doing that and worrying about being accepted by other people. She said that I shouldn’t worry about being accepted by others, because God accepts and loves me unconditionally, no matter what I do or who I am.

I was speechless when I heard that. Of course, I had my doubts, I wondered whether she said what she said not because it was God who was speaking through her, but because we’ve been friends for a year now and she could have caught wind of things about me and my struggles. I wasn’t sure whether it was real or not. “God, is that You? How do I know this is what You wanted to say?”. I was expecting to be rebuked, so I thought what Edna said was just plain random encouragement.

During the sharing session, I was dead set on not going out to share and keep it to myself. But when Pastor Jo Jo asked for one last person to share their testimony, something just prompted me to raise my hand. I was thinking “no, I don’t want!” but then decided “fine, I will go out”. It’s not like I’ve shared much. Ever since the whole thing with people I’d rather stay far away from, I’ve vowed to keep my mouth shut and not share anything, because no one cares and no one listens.

I had to stand at the front shyly for a few moments as everyone went back to their seats. I shared what Edna prophesized over me and what I’ve been thinking earlier in the session. Half way through, I felt overwhelmed & got a lil weepy. Maybe I started to believe that it was God who said that through Edna? After sharing, as I started to walk back to my seat, Pastor Jo Jo suddenly extended his arm and asked me to stay. Instinctually, I reached out & he just held my hand firmly & started prophesizing. I’ve never knew how it felt like to hold hands with a dad, but I have to admit, I felt safe, comfort and warmth as the pastor held my hand. It felt like it was God Thyself that was holding my hand, a daddy holding a daughter’s hand.

What ensured utterly baffled & surprised me. I was expecting rebukes and probably condemnations and some “you are my son, a man” added to the fray. But there was none! The pastor said that God is saying that He loves me unconditionally, that I shouldn’t worry about things around me, issues at home, or things in the next month, the next 2 months, the next 3 months. Do not be concerned because “I will take care of things”, Just begin to love Me Don’t feel as if you don’t deserve it (love).. Peace just washed over me & I realized that he used female pronouns, as if saying indirectly “do not doubt, you are my daughter”. All these while, Pastor Jo Jo was still holding onto my hand firmly

I was speechless & utterly stunned. No rebukes? No “Chris, you are wrong?” Okie, so maybe there’s no condemnations in prophetic messages as they are used to encouraged, but surely there must be some “you are my son” “ a *something* man” kind of thing, there was none..none at all.

I didn’t know how to respond..the warmth, the peace..it as God..but it wasn’t what I expected! People said I am wrong because the Bible said so, but God said otherwise! All I could do was cry and cry and cry.Even as I write this, I’ve been crying, not tears of despair & hopelessness, but tears of overwhelming awe and wonder. God is real!!

I feel renewed, my doubts gone & I just feel so passionate about knowing & serving this Father we have.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm glad you got that conformation that you so needed. There are tears in my eyes for you as I read this coz I feel how precious that would have been on so many levels.

Gabe

[Guest Risu]

This is a wonderful story and I am so happy that you got the confirmation that you needed. Thank you for sharing!

There is nothing wrong with being Trans. Other people interpret what we believe to be "God's word" in their own ways. Some people interpret it to include hatred and intolerance, but I don't believe in that. Even if it was so in Old Testament times, the New Testament rectifies pretty much all of it.

Never forget this wonderful feeling and always draw on it when you need strength. Put your troubles in God's hands. Give them to God and it will be okay.

*Hugs*

~Risu

[Guest S. Chrissie]

I would like to add that ever since then, I just miraculously went from being gendered male most of the time to being gendered female most of the time. It was really weird and amazing change! I couldn't explain that away.

[Guest Serene]

You address an issue I've tried to point out to others many times when you said "God said otherwise". We have to remember that the Bible, while a wonderful book about ethics and morality, is still only just a book, imperfectly written by imperfect beings. And sadly that book has been consistantly altered and changed and misinterpreted countless times, unfortunately by some who have been corrupt. The supposed actual words Jesus spoke are meant to be highlighted in red text, but I don't always see that in Bibles. Jesus never said "Man shall not lay with man", someone in power who was uncomfortable with homosexuality(despite it having existed thousands of years before Christianity took root) wrote that.

Its sometimes disheartening to see people looking for God in a book skewed by the hands of imperfection. God is always going to love us no matter who or what we are. It sounds to me as if you've felt God in the hearts of others reaching out to let you know that you are not wrong, that you are who you think you are, who you feel you are, who you want to be. It is a shame so many people blind themselves by holding a book before their eyes that they cannot see God right in front of them.

You are always loved, no matter what others think of you. You are who you want to be.

*hugs*

Serene

[gennee]

A beautiful testimony,Chrissie. A similar thin happened to me three years ago. God loves us unconditionally.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Chrissie:

Thanks sharing your story/experience. It was very nice.

I myself am also a Christian with my church being one that is affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention. They are very conservative and while I do believe that God loves us unconditionally, including those of us who are trans, While many of my church friends all have really really good hearts, I don't believe any of them have ever been "challenged" to love someone like us. So...it could be an opportunity to show their love or it could turn into a lot of rebuke. Only time will tell.

But...bottom line, I know and believe that whatever happens, God will be there with me and somehow, he will works things out according to his will.

[Guest harvester52]

What a fantastic testimony! We serve a Great and Loving Father! Your words put a tear in my eye.

- BC

[Guest S. Chrissie]

Thank you people! (ohai there :x disappeared for quite some time)

The thing is though, when I told that to my pastor, he just said it was a coincidence, me suddenly get gendered female so often and the revelation in camp. He said that God probably used "she' just so I would listen, because if God used male pronouns instead, I would shut Him off. So basically...he still doesn't really believe it. He said that the church "accepts and support" me in my journey, but don't agree with me because "God made man and woman". He wanted me to set boundaries and limit my interaction with the church people as a male, which means introducing myself as a male to newcomers, or saying that "i am on a journey of exploring my gender identity". He and some of the leaders said that they wouldn't hesitate to tell anyone who ask them about me "Chris is a male and he is currently exploring his gender identity".

The reason the pastor even approached me that initiated all of the above seems to be the fact that I was more open and "bold" (his words) in interacting with people after the camp. So yeah, I was getting "bold" and it was scaring him it seems. I don't know...

Either way, that happened 2-3 weeks after I posted this topic, so it's been quite some time. I still attend the church, though I try to avoid contact with people, since the people who knew me has the tendency to out me pretty fast, which is frustrating.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

HI Chrissie,

You have shared a very healing experience with us.

Don't let anyone take that away from you, don't allow anyone to discount it.

You know your own experience!

Brad

[VickySGV]

I am sorry to hear about what and how your pastor has reacted. You had an experience and you alone have the interpretation of it in your heart. Your experience is greater than any your pastor can claim for his own, and it frightens him, thus he puts your insight down and belittles it with his own fear being the reason. Pastors can be all too simply human despite the power of position others think they have. They are as weak or weaker than the groups they lead.