Biological Family

[Guest chris]

hi all,

i'm still new here, and this topic may well have been covered already. if so, i'm sorry!

i recently came out to my brother as, well, the way i described it to him, as questioning my gender & explained to him that i've actually been questioning my gender since i was 4 or 5 years old.

my brother is 7 years younger than me. he has seen my life; that really, nothing in my life would change much, at least my day-to-day life. he totally rejected my feelings and experience as just something i read about on the internet and attatched it to myself. in a nutshell, he belittled my feelings and told me i was going through a phase.

i'm, well, not devastated, but incredibly disappointed; when i came out as BI in 1997, my whole family was like, 'uh, yeah! we have always known that!'. i thought that this latest news would glean the same response. i told my bro first, thinking that maybe he'd say something along the lines that our mom and dad would understand; cool, tell them~!

but no.

i don't know what to do.

this is off the main topic, but pretty much my whole life any decision i've made that doesn't fit into my dad's aggressively controlling plan, is met with anger. that's why i was so suprised and proud of them for being OK with my bisexuality.

to be honest, my life would be better if the 3 of them were not in my life. we already lost my youngest brother to suicide ( not because of sexuality or anything; he was bipolar, and so am i. my family know this), and i would hope that my mom, dad and brother would have been awakened by this to the fact that we ought to be talking and listening to eachother; that we ought to be talking about the difficult issues.

UGH.

i'm sorry this is so long.

chris

[Zufrieden]

Hi Chris:

I couldn't really know what to think until I saw your profile. If that's your age and that's your picture...

You're plenty old enough to do what you want. It would be nice to have the support of your family and you certainly don't need them belittling you. You can just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way and I hope you'll come around to accepting me. In the meantime, I can do without the abuse."

Z.

[pennyjane]

hi chris, how nice to meet you. sounds like, yes, this has been covered many times and unfortunately will be covered many, many more. our families are often the greatest test of our faith. they are the ones with the history and the greatest stake in us. they are very important to us as well, we have a great stake in them and a relationship with them is important to keep if you can. but in the end, i agree with z. if all they are going to do is belittle and denegrate you, as your condecending brother did, then maybe the price of the relationship is too high.

frankly i'm just a little put off by your brother's reaction. i don't see how he can tell you much about your feelings. seems as if his opinion of you is pretty shallow, that you'd think you were androgyne because you read something about it on the internet. maybe it's he with the shallow streak and not you. being bipolar is truely a challenge, but i'm not sure it has much relation to gender identity. i don't know of any research into bipolarity that suggests you may have less aptitude for knowing your own gender then anyone else. ok, i'll stop. well, one more thing, i'll believe you and not your brother if that's ok. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest NickSister]

Hi Chris,

Just want to add to Pennyjanes and Zufriedens comments:

You said that life would be better if the 3 of them were not in your life. If this is true then can't you just move away? I'm not suggesting you do so because to me family is more imporatant than anyone else, but if you truely feel life would be better then maybe you should consider doing so.

Nice arms BTW...

[Guest chris]

hi, thanks, you two, for your replies. yeah i'm 37 and that is my picture!

i appreciate the kind words. i, too, am put off by my brother's reaction ....

[Zufrieden]

My initial response was that he's your little brother, he's behaving like a dinkweed, give him a "nougie".

But that's really not in the spirit of these forums.

Z.

[Nick J]

I know at the same time you are old enough to do as you please - we still all seek approval and it hurts when we dont get it.

i suggest that you keep on going with this as far as you wish to do, they will be surprised when they see this isnt a phase and that you are much happier

i wish you luck dude

- nick

[Guest chris]

thanks all,

fact is, i haven't lived anywhere near them in 17 years. i do,however, still do holidays and visit a couple times throughout the year; all out of obligation. plus there are the phonecalls, which i also do out of obligation, and if i don't get off the phone crying, i get off the phone and have an anxiety attack.

my little brother is my little brother,but he's 30.

and he is just a younger version of my dad. the noogie is SO out of the question!

dad is hyper masculine and mom is hyper feminine; they have a view of anyone in-between, not just androgynous people, gay or lesbian or TG, but ANYONE who isn't in their typical american, male-female roles to be 'wrong'. which is why i was so super suprised that they were ok with my havig come out to them as BI.

Z, when i posted 'thanks you two for the replies', yours had not yet posted. sorry about that~!

Nick, thanks for the compliment

its not even like i'm seeking their approval; i don't expect anything from them but to respect me for who i am; who i always have been. ugh.

thanks again all

chris

[Guest chris]

ps

another thing that baffles me, is that i haven't changed;

i've been getting tattoos since 1991, short hair since high school, 'boyish' activities since i was 7...dirtbikes, drums, rockclimbing.

i don't know why they are so freaked out NOW.

[Guest tonyd]

part of telling our family and friends, whether we are gay, lesbian, bi or trans, is knowing the possibility we could lose that relationship, its sad but happens. thats something that i try to tell people who aren't sure if they can tell people or are ready to 'come out', be prepared for that.....

when i finally told my family, they were worried but thought i was going to tell them i was a lesbian....i was like well no.... its funny the never approached me about it either...

You said your family doesn't like things out of the ordinary...not everything has one label or fits into either being masculine of feminine...

A person should just be aloud to be who they are.

t

[Guest chris]

thanks tonyd.

its been a rough week & it looks like they (mom, dad, brother) aren't speaking to me.

i really don't have the energy to go into all i've been feeling this week; anyway, thank you all for your replies. these boards have been really helpful.

cheers,

chris

[Guest matthew41]

Hey Chris,

This might seem lame but give it time. You were lucky the first time around that they accepted you right away. Sorry that it set you up for the hope it would be the same again. I don't know what your desires as far as passing or hormones and such are. I know its not a phase, but your family is fighting the expectations they have decided for you long ago. Based on friends that I have, younger brothers have a harder time dealing with it when it threatens their place in the family as either first born son, or only son. I hope that they come around for you and in the meanwhile we are here to listen whenever you need a friendly ear,

Matt

[Guest Zenda]

Hi Chris, I know this might sound like a scratched record but have you seen a gender counselor? They can work wonders by helping to put your life into perspective. A question for you to ponder....Do you want to live your life NOW or live to regret it later ? Food for thought. Metta Jendar

[Guest chris]

matt, jendar,

thanks for the responses.

i had not given any thought to a gender counselor.

as for hormones, i am unsure what i want as far as that (and surgeries) are concerned. i'm passing easily now, so i am pretty undecided...

chris

[Guest Marco]

i understand the little brother issue. he's insisting on using really feminine versions of my name[he's calling me margaret!] but hey, as long as you know who you are then their approval doesn't matter so much. after all you're an adult and you live far away[wish i could say the same for myself.] if they're shutting you out then it's their loss.