My Story

[Guest Radah]

My Story:

I came into this world on the 26th October From what I now know, no one knew what to make of me. The first three days of my life I was a female. What happened after that is a complete mystery as nobody is willing to talk to me about it. I had some surgery, but no one will talk to me about it.

After two days it was in some way decided that I was not actually female, but male with ambiguous genitalia. This fact has been covered up by the entire family since that time, never to be spoken about, well not to me anyway.

The lies and deception that have occurred throughout my life have taken their toll on me, making me very insecure and unwilling to trust people especially those close to me.

I was married in 1989 to a woman who loved me for what I am and not what I should have been. Ironically I met her whilst we was in a play together. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her and knew deep down that she was the one for me. Despite the fact that she was with a boyfriend at the time, I persisted in my efforts and it paid off. She is the only person who really understood me and what I am really like. She has helped me through the most difficult years of my life and has stood by me regardless of what I have been through. She has wiped away my tears and been with me through two very near nervous breakdowns, and one suicide attempt. I sometimes feel that I was preventing her from leading a normal life and that I have denied her things she would be entitled to if I were "normal" Perhaps this is my insecurity raising its ugly head again and the feeling that those that I love and care about most will always do things to hurt me. I continue to punish myself for something that was not my fault but I blame myself for not coping with it better.

My years in school were a minefield of emotions and secrecy, even as a junior it must have been explained to the teachers by my parents that I was very different to other boys, as I suffered the humiliation of only being allowed to go to the lavatory when every other child in the class had been. In the 6th grade is when I started to grow breaths. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about as I didn't feel different to anyone else but was certainly made to feel that way. Why did they have to treat me like such a freak ?

If I thought that junior high was tough then I had the best yet to come. My time in the senior high was fraught with problems. I learnt at a very early age to cover up my problem and this was to prove necessary if was to survive the ravages of my next 4 years.

I tryed to fit into the macho image always being popular and making sure that I remained that way. I had a reputation for being the weird guy. This was my way of not allowing anyone to get to close to me in case they found out my terrible secret.

I was extremely precocious as a teenager, perhaps even before that, I had a great affinity with the girls that I knew and I now know that this was my female side coming out. This proved to be of great value in the years to come as it allowed me to understand any girl, much to the disgust of the real guys who didn't stand a chance whilst I was around.

My first real girlfriend who I became intimate with was just so understanding, although I didn't know it at the time, she loved me for what I was and not what I should have been. She finally brook it off after 6 month when I didn't ask her to take it to the next level, because I was afraid of what she would have said after she saw my genitals.

But I continued on my lonely journey through life, never able to confide in anyone in the fear that I would be seen to be a freak and an outsider, and yet I was always on my guard, perhaps in the hope that nobody would discover that I was so frightened and alone.

On the odd occasion when I did feel that someone was getting close, I would detach myself from them just to be sure that I did not give anything away.

From the 6th grade on I was not allowed to take gym. My mother sent a letter from my Doctor to excuse me from gym because I had Testicular Feminination. I found that I could not always avoid such situations and so devised a method of strapping that would hide my embarrassment, this was ok as long as I was not to take my top off.

Even then nobody in the family would talk to me about what I was going through and how deep the family secret really was. All I wanted was reassurance that I was loved and liked for what I was and not something to be tolerated, with my outbursts of anger and frustration but not knowing why I was so angry.

I have one brother, and he was excluded from all things to do with my androgen insensitivity.

I have been told by my aunt that my mother was extremely upset every time I went into the hospital and that she thought that they were experimenting on me, despite her feelings she continued the lies and cover up that had gone on in the family for years. I was still unaware of why this had been done to me, the times that I cried and felt so alone and unloved, deserted by those that I trusted.

For years I could not spend nights away from home voluntarily it would cause me so much pain and heartaches. I was so afraid that people would find out about me.

I cannot remember the exact amount of surgery that I underwent to correct my AIS-L2 but I know that it was enough to have me repeat the 1st grade, and keep me out of school long enough to be behind all the other children of my age, something that has stayed with me until this day. Who knows what I could have done with my life had I been given the same amount of education as all the others.

The greatest joy in my life was when I married in 1989, this was for me the ultimate compliment, and proved that I could be loved for who I was. My wife was fully aware of my condition as I had never held anything back from her with regard to my problems, well, it would have been impossible to do so under the circumstances. She helped me to try to come to terms with my problems, and was the first person who ever got really close to me emotionally. But even then my insecurity was still there and I knew that I would lose her one day, either to someone else or because of all my problems.

After about 13 years of marriage I finally had to talk to someone, and finally I started to come out to my friends. They where ok with me seeing that it was only a medical condition I had, and I was the same person, but Tina didn't like it for they started seeing her as a lesbian.

I had not realised just how much all this was affecting me, being intersexual makes you push thoughts and feelings that may hurt you so deep that you hope you will never find them again. But this was the final insult to me, realising that the people who should have been caring and understanding were treating me like I didn't really exist.

This was a turning point in my life as I now saw everyone in a different light, those feelings of insecurity that I had dreaded as a child came flooding back, I would have nightmares. I would wake in a state of anxiety and total fear, not knowing why I was afraid. Deep down I was more afraid that I would not be able to support my wife through all of this. She wanted a divorce so that she could find someone elth a real Man.

My world had fallen apart and I had nobody to talk to, I knew that she had enough to cope with without me causing her more anxiety. For me it was just like being a child again, having to deal with the pain and loneliness that I had suffered through my childhood. I thought I could cope with all this on my own, as I always had done, but I couldn't have been more wrong. The pain that I was now suffering was destroying my very being, tearing through me with such force that I never thought that I would get through, the times that I contemplated suicide were so many and so often, that it became an everyday occurrence, I would wake in a morning and think to myself, is this the day that I won't be able to stop myself from ending it all, and putting the final chapter to my hurt and loneliness.

I finally relented and gave in to the happy pills, sure they helped but nothing was going to take away the reasons for why I felt like I did. The pills could only make me reason a little better, and to make me push my feelings even deeper, in the hope that I could shut out the thoughts that were causing me so much pain.

I never thought I would get through but I did. Just as everything seemed to be going well again. How wrong can you be, the worst was yet to come.

Dr. Money was doing his research, and the stories that I have been told about the way that this man operated have scared the hell out of me, and made me think just how lucky I was not to have been in a position to be treated by him.

I have been through so many difficult stages in my life that it is not always easy to remember the nice times, just the trauma and heartache that I was forced to suffer because of the fear that the family had of being discovered. The main instigator of all this secrecy was my Doctor who had such a hold on the entire family that the secret remained just that, a terrible secret.

During my quest for a diagnosis and the truth, I was being treated by an endocrinologist who suggested that we test the entire family for traces of the gene, this was to prove extremely difficult as the family were told to never reveal the truth. Unfortunately my own mother died in 1999, but I know that she would have been willing to be tested. All I ever wanted was the truth.

I just wonder how many more relatives I have with the same condition, and how many of them would welcome a shoulder to cry on, instead of all the secrecy and shame that the family have placed on our predicament. The stories that I have heard about the secrecy are really frightening and it makes me wonder that if I was given more support as I was growing up and had the condition explained to me, or at least as much as they knew, then maybe I would not be as screwed up as I am now, and would not have had to go through the living hell of it all. The thing that screwed me up more than anything else was the fact that every body else was aware of the condition except for those that were affected, and who it concerned the most.

I am still very angry at all concerned for there lies and deception, the instigator of all this, that person being the Doctor, and my Father. When I challenged him about the problem he denied that anything of that nature existed in the family and also informed me that my mother thought I was nothing but trouble ever since the day I was born. As you can imagine, those words sank really deep, in fact I don't think that I had ever been hurt so deeply, the fact that this was said following my mothers death, and so could not be queried. I suspect that this was her own way of getting me to be silent about the whole subject and to detach me from the family.

My operations were to play an even bigger part in my life than I expected as they had begun to affect my work, in as much as I would have to take time off. At first it was not a problem but as time progressed my employers grew tired of the situation. It became common knowledge within the department that I was having trouble and most were aware of why I was having time off as the manager made a point of telling people. I was working as a maintenance person at about 35 hours a week, and now after the corrective surgery I only work about 10 Hours.

I have at last got the help that I have needed all of my life, but the one person that I wanted to share this with I have now lost. I will never get over the fact that I have lost the one person that really cared about me, and loved me for what I am.

I was devastated that my marriage had failed, I didn't know how I would cope without Tina by my side, but I could understand that she could not take anymore and needed to be free from me and all my problems.

Since the disasters in my life unfolded, I have become involved with a very special group of people at the Aids Project Worcester. There I have found so many new and wonderful friends, who can understand what it is like to have a condition such as AIS as all of them are gender variant in one way or another. We all provide so much support for each other, especially at times of stress and pain.

Without the support group I would not have found such loyal and loving friends, who support each other regardless of the problems.

I have reached a point in my life where I feel capable of helping others with AIS or similar problems. I hope to be able to use some of my experiences, good and bad, to help others move on in life.

Sincerely Yours,

Radah AIS-L5

myspace dot com/intersex101

[Bulldog1948]

Hi Radah,

What a story. I would surmise that you're now in your 40s, is that about right.

Have you been over to Intersexion.org? It's a very special website that only intersexed folks can belong to? A man named Curtis runs it. A lot of nea folks with some great info for intersexed folks.

And, in case your father never realized it- it's a man's sperm that detwrmines the sex of a baby. His sperm may have been defective.

Anyway, welcome aboard. There's a lot of great people on this board.

Bulldog1948

[MaryEllen]

Wow! And I thought I had it bad. Thank you for sharing your bio with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest rachael1]

Hi Radah,

Thanks for sharing your story.

I am so glad you have found a support network of friends.

Rachael

[Guest Zabrak]

...I'm relieved and happy to hear you found a group to support you.

I wish the best of luck to you and thank you for sharing your story.