Transgender, or just OCD?

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

Alright, this has been really buggin me, and seeing as I am a nut when it comes to approval from others, I decided to get your opinions on it Like all of my other posts, this will probably be long, so READERS BEWARE!

Ok so, I remember seeing people online talking about how they are OCD and they think they might be transgendered. I too have OCD. It seems like the main differance between other OCD people and me though, is that they don't want to be transgendered, whereas I do. I would hate to lose the girl that has been living inside me all this time, especially after I just found her again.

I noticed that a lot of people here talk about being suicidal at some point in their lives, and while I was suicidal at one point, I don't know if this was the cause of it... I mean looking back, I think it played a bigger part than I originally thought, like I remember looking at girls, ans wishing that I could switch lives with them, but it was far from being the only reason. (There was a lot of stuff going on that year...)

I also remember times where I would lay in bed and plead with God to let me wake up as a girl, but by the time I woke up, I was over it. I also haven't necessarily been uncomfortable with my male parts, it was more of an indifference. I recall times where other guys would randomly ask questions like, "what would you do if you're penis was cut off?" they would all go down the line saying stuff like, "oh jesus christ I would kill myself." but I would just think to myself "What's the big deal? It wouldn't be that bad..." In fact, I remember times where I would lay in bed and wish that bad things would happen to my male parts, so that I would be forced by society to become a girl. (I know that sounds irrational, but it was a fantasy that I am pretty sure that I used to have.) That could explain why I really like stuff like forced feminization...

I also remember times where I saw specials on TV about mtf transsexuals, and I would always think "I wish I was a transsexual, cause then I would have an excuse to become a girl..."

Everybody also seems to talk about how they usually felt more comfortable around girls, but in my case, I was again, indifferent. I didn't really care who I was hanging around with. I knew I was different from most guys, but I wasn't necessarily troubled by those differences.

I'm worried that my transgendered feelings could just be an obsession, mostly because it has been in the back of my mind most of these years, and I only recently just rediscovered it. I really do want to be a girl, but I don't know if I would be able to go through with HRT, because the culture shock it would have on my life would be too unbearable. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting against something in my mind that wants me to stay male, but I don't want that desire to remain a male to be there, I want to make myself want to be a girl so bad, that I would have no other choice but to get HRT, because I feel like that would justify my wanting to go through with it...

I have had extremely irrational thoughts about this, like sometimes I find myself thinking "If I castrate myself, will the desire to be a male go away completely?"

I feel like I have a split personality or something, like one personality wants me to stay male, and the other wants me to become female, and I desperately want to make the male one go away, so that I can be 100% about wanting to be a girl... Everyone else seems so sure about all of this, but I feel like my state isn't as clear cut as everyone else's is... I know I should call a GT because they will help me sort this stuff out, but I know that even if I did work up the courage to call one, I would freeze up once I actually started talking about this.

I really don't want this to be an obsession, but I'm worried that that's all it is... I'm really worried that if I take my mind off of this subject for even a second, that the desire to be a female will go away again like it did when I was younger. I'm pretty sure that if it did go away, that I would only end up remembering it again in 6 or 7 years anyway... I feel so much happier when I tell myself that I'm a female, and I want others to know and acknowledge how I feel, and not be ashamed about it...

So what do you all think, does it seem like OCD? Or does it seem legitimate? (I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I'm just asking for opinions)

[Guest Robin Winter]

"I wish I was a transsexual, cause then I would have an excuse to become a girl..."

That's how you felt, and you have to question whether you're a transgirl or not? Seems pretty clear to me, hun. Only you can really say for sure, though. Talk to a professional if you can, and they can help you work through it.

[Guest Izzybell]

I made a similar post like a month ago. It was similar because it was about worrying this feeling is just an obsession, but different because I was kind of frantically rambling. lol Looking back, though, it seems this was more of the OCD feeding this fear that my feelings weren't genuine. I too have worried that this feeling will fade, and I this desire to be female seems like it changes in intensity even, and that can be really debilitating. Shilo is right, and you are the only one who can really know if you're trans or not, but it seems to me, someone who also has OCD, that this is not an obsession. I'm trying not to write a whole lot because I don't want to make this topic about me. (I sometimes do that >.<) But I seem to relate to a lot of the thoughts and feelings you talked about. It seems like this idea of being transgender was in the back of my mind all these years, and only really sprang back up recently, even, and I've learned from here that this is not uncommon.

I remember one of the first things I read in one of the forums when I came to this sight was someone saying that you cannot be talked into being transgender. You sound like you genuinely have this desire to be female, and a GT can really help you sort out all these feelings, but I know it can be really nerve wracking. I couldn't even talk about it to my main doctor until about three months ago. And you're not alone in feeling unsure about where you fit on the gender spectrum. Everyone's story is different, and there is no deadline or schedule you need to adhere to in figuring out who you are.

-Izzy

[Guest Lilith]

Ok so, I remember seeing people online talking about how they are OCD and they think they might be transgendered. I too have OCD. It seems like the main differance between other OCD people and me though, is that they don't want to be transgendered, whereas I do. I would hate to lose the girl that has been living inside me all this time, especially after I just found her again.

As much as the fact that I wish and fantasise about being a girl, is problematic and I don't believe its ever going to lead anywhere, it is

just going to cause discomfort till the day I die, I still don't want to lose it... So you could say I kind of want to be "transgendered"...

Though my reason is propably quite different from yours...

I don't feel like there is anything definitely girl inside me... I only wish and dream and fantasise about being one... The reason for which

I can only theorise... But I don't want to lose it because what ever it is, Real or Unreal, Gender dysphoria, Delusion or Obsession, in the

end it seems like it is the only thing I have left...

When I get depressed (or more than usually) and the hopelessness extinguishes all the other wishes and fantasies I have, the wish to

be a girl seems to be an exeption... if anything it might in fact grow on those days when I find my self spiraling down the drain, and if I

didn't wish it, if I didn't dream about it, I would propably have nothing left to wish and dream about, nothing left at all...

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

That sounds depressing... O.o it kind of sounds like how I felt a while ago... If your case is anything like mine, then there probably is a girl down there somewhere, Ever since I began embracing the girl that I realized I have kept locked away all these years, I have started to find the idea of being with a guy to be less and less repulsive... It's actually starting to sound attractive... O.o

I mean that's how I felt a while ago, I desperately wished to be trans, because it felt like that would justify my wanting to be a girl, but I think if you really want to be transgender, then chances are you probably are. I mean how many guys walk around saying they wish they were girls? (And I don't mean in a sexual way, I mean legitimately want to be a girl all day everyday.) Maybe your still subconciously trying to keep her locked away, it feels that way with me sometimes, but I'm working to break down those mental blocks so that she can run free like she was originally supposed to.

I wouldn't be able to tell if this is the case for you though, only you could figure that out. That's just how it ended up working out for me.

[VickySGV]

Therapist time for the OCD!!! Get it under control via their therapies, and if the GD is still there, so it is!! OCD therapy will not cure or control GD, only GD treatments will do that. OCD and GD are not mutually inclusive or for that matter, they are not mutually exclusive. You can have one, both or neither. Therapist time!!!

[Guest Lilith]

That sounds depressing... O.o it kind of sounds like how I felt a while ago... If your case is anything like mine, then there probably is a girl down there somewhere...

Yeaa... I think all the cases here are similar in someway... And what you said in that "GID Division and progression" topic of mine, about now the B route

is scary familiar to yours... well... thats my theory for where I am, but its very much a theory, I don't really remember much from my early years so I have

to do lots of guess work to fill in lots of gaps...

[Guest Svenna]

There is no way around it!

Therapy with a qualified Gender Therapist will end a LOT of the confusion and set you on a path to greater comfort and a less stressful existence...

Even without HRT etc., therapy has relieved me of a lot of shame, guilt, self-consciousness, and misconceptions... I am pretty calm and relaxed tgese days...

What are you waiting for again?

Take the first steps, you will be glad you did, no matter what you discover...

Love and lucidity, Svenna