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Guest Lisa69824

New name

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Guest Lisa69824

My child is FTM. As a parent, you put a lot of thought into the name you choose for your child. That the name I choose is just thrown away and a new name is choosen is upsetting. Are there any parents out there that feel the same as I do?

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Guest Robin Winter

Talk to your child and ask how they would feel about you renaming them. I had considered asking my mother to do that, but I'm not convinced yet that she's taking me seriously.

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Guest metajess

I know what you mean. My kiddo is ftm and the name I chose was Julia Grace. Doesn't exactly fit now! The new name is Carter Garrett. It's strange because for 10 years I've had a Julia. Now I have a Carter. I think Dad has a harder time with it than my partner and I. It's just going to take some time I guess.

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Guest Doodlen

Don't take it personally. I'm sure your child would love the name if he was a girl. But he's not, and you didn't know that when you gave birth and named him.

Do you have a problem with the new name itself or the fact that there IS a new name? If you really hate the new name you could always talk to your child about it (they might get offended though, so try to be careful with how you say it). Or maybe even suggest a different name, or help with a middle name if he doesn't already have one.

I know this is probably all a lot to get used to. I hope things go great for both of you. :)

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Guest twinstar4

Everyone who replied so far is right.

Yes, the name changing bothers most parents. But it is something that we have to adjust to just like all the other new and unexpected things we have to adjust to concerning our TG child.

But remember, we are the lucky ones. Our kids were able to tell us about it and we are able to love and accept them unconditionally. Not all parents and kids are so fortunate.

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Guest SuperKali

I asked my mother and she tried to convince me to keep my name. Which is absurd because it is not even remotely feminine. She finally agreed so we talked about it and settled on Alison Renae. That seemed to also make it easier for her to adjust to using the right pronouns.

Maybe you could try that with your child. Just try not to be too frustrated if he is set on the name he chose for himself.

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Guest Lisa69824

My problem with the name is it isn't even a name. It sounds like some fairytale name that isn't even real. We are just butting heads right now. I'm glad there's a PFLAG meeting soon. I love her/him but I'm feeling a lot right now that I feel bad about feeling. I'm having trouble finding the right forum the express them. I'm thinking I need to see a therpist just for me.

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Guest Doodlen

I assume your son has a therapist? If your son is comfortable you could go along to one of the sessions and voice your concerns as well, the therapist could help you both with things like that.

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Guest Donna_Marie

when I came out to my Family my mom came to me and we had a very deep emotional conversation and she told me that every since she found out she was pregnant with me the name Donna Marie was the name she had picked for me and it only changed when they told her I was a male child so we both agreed to that name. You would be very surprised that if you go to your child in a loving and accepting manner and just voice your concerns in a loving heart felt manner and that you want only whats best for him and make some suggestions and let him think on it but just don't push the issue.

much luck and love to a caring and accpting parent

Donna_Marie

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Guest Lisa69824

I've tried to get her to therapy since middle school. She refused. After high school, I was able to get her to go for a while. Then she quit. Years later, financial problems, lay offs, etc, I have very minimal insurance for her. Not enough to cover therapy. She's willing to go now, but I can't afford to send her. In addition, she refused to learn to drive, so she would need to be taken which is not practical for me to do.

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Guest twinstar4

My daughter has informally changed her name about 3 times since she came out to me 3 years ago. Honestly, I haven't been thrilled with any of her names. She has yet to settle on one and to change it legally. After my initial sadness at her need and desire to give up her given name, which was one that I loved, I am able to let it go and let her pick a name.

As far as thinking and feeling things you aren't happy about feeling, please don't beat yourself up about this. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, this is not easy for you and it will be helpful to you to acknowledge that.

Adjusting to all of this takes time. It will get better.

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Guest Andrew Parker

I think you should try to talk to him and try to find a compromise. A lot of my trans friends used the name their parents wanted as their middle name.

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Guest Mittens_kittens

I certainly do empathize with you. My daughter (currently) announced her choice in a new male name a few months ago. My heart just sank. The name I had chosen for her if she had been a girl would have been Brandon, but we both agree that wouldn't be an appropriate choice, due to the "Boys Don't Cry" transgender story of Brandon Teena. It isn't the name she chose that upsets me, it's the entire concept of it representing her changing into another person that I don't know. I love my child exactly as she is; the problem is she doesn't. :-(

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Guest metajess

The thing that all parents need to realize is that the name is inconsequential. My "daughter" Julia Grace was never my daughter. Since Carter came to us and informed us of the new name and true identity I feel like I have met my child for the first time. I had no idea how fake my "daughter's" smile was until I saw the genuine joy coming from my son! Julia was always Carter I just didn't know it.

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Guest bluelake

If you child hasn't already chosen a name, then it's a great idea to talk to him and perhaps see if you can select a name together. If he has already chosen a name, then you will have to respect it. Our daughter's new name was hard for us to use at first, but after a few months, the old name didn't fit anymore.

Metajess is so right. Our daughter was always there, we just didn't realize it! The person is what matters, not the name. It's fine for you to silently grieve it for a while, though. Parents of transgender children have a right to their feelings, and we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. The main thing is to love and to support our children the best we know how, and to learn from our mistakes.

You have come to the right place. So many of us have received valuable advice and support here at Laura's!

Wishing the best for you and your son.

Bluelake

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Guest twinstar4

I have to agree with Bluelake and Metajess. When my daughter began her transition I couldn't believe how happy she became. Such a contrast to the depressed little boy that he was. Of course I went through sadness, anger, etc. during my path to acceptance. We all do. But I'll gladly take her as she is, a happy feminine girl instead of a depressed suicidal boy.

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Guest Joyful Mama

It is a process. I have to say it was very hard for me to give up my daughter's old name because I loved it and by not using it anymore meant that 'he' was gone forever. I wasn't ready to say good-bye. My husband was the one who used her new name first and I followed the next day. It seemed foreign and odd, but very quickly we conformed and I don't even miss the old name - at all! It wasn't who she was. I have shown pictures of what she looked like previously, and her smile was half-hearted at best. Now her pictures show a beautifully sincere smile - and that is the proof in the pudding!

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Guest metajess

I have shown pictures of what she looked like previously, and her smile was half-hearted at best. Now her pictures show a beautifully sincere smile - and that is the proof in the pudding!

I've noticed this as well with Carter. Even people who barely know him have commented about how they didn't realize Julia's smile was fake until they saw Carter's! I'll call him anything he wants as long as I keep seeing that smile!

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Guest Lisa69824

We have discussed another name and are working towards an agreement. She has since moved out and is helping an elderly family member a few hours away. I find that it's a little bit easier not having her under our roof. It will take time, but eventually, we'll get there.

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Guest Kat C.

Lisa, my child is away at college and although I don't like the idea of her going through this away from us, I think it's for the best, especially for her relationship with her father, who is not dealing with this at all.

Yesterday she changed the spelling of her name. I'm pretty sure she's sticking with the name, in general. So now instead of Christopher, we have Kristoffer. And I just realized I called him her throughout this post. <<sigh>>

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Guest meridian

I am finding this thread fascinating, and it is bringing back a lot of the feelings I had when my daughter told me her new name. The name my daughter chose was very difficult for me to accept for a long time. At one point she asked me what we were considering if she had been born a (visible) girl, and I told her a few of the names we'd been thinking of, happy that she might choose one of them. But then she chose something entirely different, and one that I worried my mother (her grandmother) would find difficult to use, because of the sad family history behind it. (I'd rather not go into it now, but if my earlier posts are archived you can find the whole story.) Anyway, when my daughter finally came out to my mother and told her the name, my mother loved it, and that was the turning point for me. I now love the name, too, and I am proud of my daughter for the way she chose it, honoring someone whose name had died out too soon.

As for the pictures, I have had similar experiences. When my daughter was a child she had beautiful, real, lively smiles, but as a teenager there was one year--not long before she came out--when we didn't even buy a school photo because she looked so sad. Now her smiles are wonderful again. I also noticed not long ago a teenage photo of her with her two closest (male) friends, when she was presumably male, but had long hair. I never thought of her as looking like a girl in those days, but when I looked at the picture recently I saw that she certainly did. People see what they expect to see, so we never noticed.

I want the "newer" parents to know that we older parents are grateful for your support, too.

Love to all,

Meridian

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