2nd time coming out to my Mom

[Guest UnfortunatelyMatt]

3 years ago I came out to both of my parents and told them that I'm transgendered. My Mom, I told 1st, then my Mom helped me tell my Father. Well, my father flipped and asked that I stop hanging out with my friends, and that they were brain washing me. Natalie, was the first person I told before anybody else. She was a girlfriend of mine at one point, and we were still friends after that. I'll save that story for another time. My father was convinced I was mistaken and refused to believe it. I told him I would go to a therapist and that I would make sure I was right. I went to a total of 8 sessions, and 2 different therapists. The first therapist sent me to the second therapist, because he felt that I was wanting to transition and the other one had more experience on that subject. She confirmed I was transgendered after 7 sessions, and after 1 more session, she was going to send me to another doctor for hormones. I never showed up to the next session because I didn't want to change my family's lives and deal with my problems.

I feel soooo selfish, and still due today, because I want this more than anything. This constant feeling of guilt and shame. I thought I could be strong enough to fight these feelings and live my life this way. I wanted to be the person that my family sees everyday. But, after 3 years I reached my breaking point again. About 10 minutes ago I asked my Mom if we could talk in my room. I spilled my guts saying "I want to stay the person that you see everyday, but I don't think I can do it anymore. It's unbelievable that after 3 years I still can't get this out of my head. I never wanted and still don't want to put you guys through this. What should I do?"

My mother replies, "We, your family, should be the least of your concerns. I know your father is touchy on the subject but in the end he will love you no matter what. Your focus should to be who you are, and be the person you want to be. Not what you think we want you to be. Your family is here to support you. Maybe not all of us at first but eventually they will have to come to terms with who you are. Just like you will have to come to terms with who you are."

Even though I gained some comfort in this, I'm still at this moment overwhelmed in shame and guilt that I've revealed this again to my Mom. It's not everyday your son comes to you and springs this big of a bomb on you. I'm embarrassed that I can't be normal like my 3 brothers. Out of all of us, I'm out of place. My father is going to be sooooo disappointed in me when he hears I'm still thinking about this, but I do know that I can't keep this hidden for too long. Like it or not this is who I am. Once I come to terms with this myself I'll start feeling better I hope. I just wanted to avoid this road if possible, but you can only run from yourself for so long.

Sorry for the long post, I just felt the need to express my feelings. I'm still feeling pretty crappy right now, but I'll be ok. If anybody has any questions or another story let me know. I have the story on how I told Natalie in Notepad from 3 years ago. Well Thanks for reading and sorry if the length bother's anybody, I tried to shorten this up. My grammar is kind of off too lolz. Hope you guys enjoyed it.

[JJ]

You sound like you have an incredible mother who is sensible ans very loving as well. That is something beyond price.

As far as guilt and shame - why? Did you somehow cause this? Since it is something that happens physically before you are even born I don't see how it is your fault. It is in essence a birth defect - and a potentially serious one that has caused the deaths of thousands. Because our gender identity and feelings are dictated by our brains we really have no control over them. The degree also varies. There are some lucky people who can live with it-but the majority appear to be miserable until or unless they do something about it. The suicide statistics among us would not be so appalling if this was something that could be willed away or a matter of self control.

I'm neither proud nor ashamed to be trans. I'm proud to be a survivor because apparently the majority of transmen of my generation did not. I am very sorry that my family has to endure some of the repercussions and my daughter has to go through losing a mother in her mind but she will still have me as a parent and she will have a better, happier and more positive person in her life because I m dealing with it at last.

As a parent I can tell you that your parents will grieve more over the misery that will likely pervade your life if you try to deny your true self than being trans will ever cause them. Indeed I suspect they will one day be proud that you were able to face this and do what needed to be done and proud of what you accomplish. They will be proud to have a happy child with a good life instead of knowing the gnawing misery of having a deeply troubled child.

So please don't add guilt and shame to your burden. They wouldn't want that and being trans is enough to deal with. It isn't your fault-any more than any other birth defect. be true to yourself and in the end you will make your parents-and yourself-proud and happy.

Johnny

[Guest UnfortunatelyMatt]

I know I shouldn't be, but with 3 brothers and a father who always talks about his son to his friends, I really don't want to put him through explaining that his daughter is his son. I love both of my parents very much, and nothing will change that. My decision will impact not only my life but the lives of everyone around me. I just feel so selfish due to this. I know I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but after I decided I wasn't going to transition 3 years ago I promised myself I wouldn't let me being transgendered interfere with their lives. I feel like I'm going back on my word. On the same note, I thought it would be easier to suppress my feelings knowing that I'm transgendered. I didn't figure out I was transgendered until I was 13 or 14. I started wanting things that I knew a boy shouldn't want so I started feeling the same shame I feel now. Something happened to me when I was 15 that should never happen to a child at that age. And I thought it was due to the way I carried myself. That I wasn't being boyish enough. It's complicated, I'm not sure why I feel ashamed and guilty most of the time. One side of me wants my Dad's approval, the other side of me wants to transition and be who I should be. So I think that's why but I'm not sure. I was much better about it when I was 19. I was so excited to go to the therapist and talk freely without having to hide who I really am. I just need to go through the steps that I went through in therapy again myself.

Thank you so much for your reply and your insight. You are very helpful and have a great perspective on the subject. There is an episode I highly recommend of Law and Order SVU called Transitions. Dr. Wong in this episode explains that something happens when the brain and body are being developed. The brain develops as one gender and the body the other.

[Guest mistygirl7]

Your not the only that gone through this, IV gone through the same thing you have, I came out to my parents 4 times to get them to believe me and talk about, they just don't like to talk a bout anything unnatural. Before they began to help me and listen I'd already started hrt, they tryed to get me help to fix me and but just didn't work I had strong desire to be female since I was real young but didn't know what it was. They still not accepting of this and I'm still at home and loved but I just need to move out. Been on hrt for two years and pass was a women . IV tryed to wait and get approval from them but I wasn't getting any. So I made the decision to just be myself and do what make me who I should have been. I would have to face what ever came my way and get through any hard time. And I was perpard to be kicked out. So your not alone if they don't get it now they may or may not get it at all and for you to take care of your self and do what you feel is right.