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Guest cassie51

Nightmare Continues

30 posts in this topic

less than a week ago I was ready to drive my car into a canal and drown myself. With the help of several compassionate ladies I was able to collect my thoughts and prevent myself from making a terrible mistake.

So today my wife has been committed for at least 72 hours in one of the local hospitals. She attempted suicide this morning right after I got home from work. She took half a bottle of prescription sleeping pills and went to sleep, trying to check out permanently. I was already in bed but hadn't gone to sleep yet. Something told me to go into the other room and try to talk to her again about my coming out several days ago. I saw her on the couch, I saw the bottle of pills on the table, they weren't supposed to be there, we never keep them out like that.

She was breathing "funny". Something was definitely wrong. I tried to wake her up and she could not stay conscious for more than a few seconds and was speaking incoherently. In my shock I somehow put 2 and 2 together and called 911, begging them to please hurry. I stayed by her side waiting for the ambulance to arrive, shaking and talking to her to try and keep her awake. The ambulance was there within 10 minutes but it seemed like 10 hours. I was ready to do CPR if she stopped breathing. I wasn't crying, not yet at least. I was in "crisis mode" and it felt like I was outside of my body, watching and ready to take action if need be.

The paramedics and firemen came barging through the front door, lugging all their equipment and medical bags. I didn't even think to put our 4 rescue cats away before the ambulance arrived. They are indoor pets but will take any opportunity to slip outside through an open door. One of the paramedics began to fire questions at me, whats her name?, how old is she?, how much does she weigh?, what did she take?, did she do it on purpose?, whats her ssan? (really?), how much did she take?, why did she take it?. I answered each question numbly, watching as other paramedics attached wires and tubes to my wife, I winced when they jabbed an IV needle into her wrist.

Then a deputy sheriff came in through the door. He fired the same questions at me that the paramedic just had. I answered them again, still feeling numb and disassociated. The paramedics said "we have to go now!", no time for the gurney. Two of them grabbed my wife by the arms and legs and whisked her out the door, her body limp like a dolls. I followed after them, watching them place my wife on a gurney and almost throwing it into the ambulance, they were not wasting a second of time. I asked where they were taking her. At first they said one of the city hospitals, then changed their minds and said to VA because she also is a veteran. Then they were gone, flashing lights and wailing siren.

I got into my car and headed to the VA hospital. My mind seemed like it was stuck in glue, I couldn't seem to form a complete thought. I know that I was praying, begging, pleading. I got to VA and ran into the ER. I got the attention of the intake nurse, told her my name and asked to see my wife. The nurse looked puzzled and checked her computer. She told me that my wife had not been brought there, that the ambulance was on something called a divert. That didn't sound good. I asked her if she had any idea where they may have taken my wife. She didn't know. So my glue mind remembered that they had first said one of the city hospitals, ok I'm going there.

I'm driving half way across the city to the hospital they had said. I'm cursing the drivers in front of me, why is everyone driving so slow today! Weaving in and out of traffic and going through a lot of yellow intersection lights that probably were turning red at the time. I didn't care, I had to get to my wife. I get to the hospital, park and run into the ER, asking to see my wife. Again with the puzzled looks. She isn't there! Ok, now the tears start. I'm standing there trying to ask in a broken voice can they help me find my wife? Yes they can, bless them. They call four other hospitals, now I'm frantic, and then success. My wife was taken to a hospital that was only a mile or so away from the VA. I was right there and now I'm half way across the city from it! I want to strangle those paramedics.

Back in the car again, driving far too recklessly. I get to the right hospital and again into the ER, where is my wife? Yes they have her, she's being treated but I can go in to see her, the nurse takes me. My wife is lying on the bed, she looks so white and frail. I take her hand and it's as cold as ice. So I'm standing there, holding her hand and with my other stroking her hair, crying and telling her everything's going to be ok. That I'm there and I won't let anything bad happen to her, that I love her so much. She doesn't hear me. I start begging for information, how bad is she?, is she going to be ok?. I get told that they think she will come out of it, that her vitals are coming back up, physically she should recover fine. I'm crying again, this time in relief. Asking myself how did I let it come to this?

Then a social worker comes in and pulls me outside the room. She tells me that in this state anyone who tries to harm themselves are involuntarily committed for a minimum of 72 hours, could be more. She has to be evaluated and monitored closely, she will be on a suicide watch. She will be seen by a therapist and only they can discharge her now. It's the law, sorry. I'm ok with it, thank goodness she will be seen by someone instead of being kicked back to the street with no resolution. I go back into the room, she's starting to wake up a little. I stroke her hair more and keep telling her she's going to be ok and I love her.

She still can't talk coherently yet but I can see the pain in her eyes. I know that I'm the cause of it and a wave of crushing guilt washes over me. I should be shot on the spot, here and now. How could I be so selfish? Everyone has told me that I have to be true to myself, it's the only way I'll ever find any peace. But what is the price of that peace? When does the cost become too high? I've been warned to be prepared to loose everything....but does that loss include this? Is my peace and fulfillment worth the life of the person I have always loved most? Now I'm getting angry because I can't answer these questions. I don't think anyone really can. Maybe god could but I think god turned his/her back on me at the moment of my conception. My life was cursed from the very begining, why should I expect anything different now?

She's starting to wake up more and they transfer her to the critical care unit for monitoring. I watch miserably as the nurses remove everything from the room that my wife could possibly harm herself with, including the telephone because it has a cord. I can't even call her to talk and tell her that I love her. She's more coherent now and I have to ask her why? Why did you feel you had to do this? To hurt you she says, just like you hurt me. You killed our marriage and I don't want to live the rest of my life alone she says. What am I supposed to say to this? Sorry dear but I had to be true to myself? The nurse tells me that I have to leave, I'm upsetting my wife and they can't have that right now. I tell her again that I love her and I will be back tomorrow to spend time with her. She just STARES at me and says nothing. I leave the hospital with my tail tucked between my legs. The ccu nurses were glaring at me when I walked out. They already know the details of what caused this.

I call my wife's aunt who lives in the area, to let her know that her niece is still alive. She knows about my coming out and barely speaks to me, she is trying hard to be civil but isn't quite making it. Just a week ago this woman thought so highly of me, she loved me to death. Now she's holding me to blame for all the bad that has happened in the last several days, especially today. I'm sure she wishes that I would just go away. I get home and my 24 year old son is there. He's so angry that he's physically shaking. Why don't you just leave mom alone he says, you've already done enough. She's not going to stay with you he says, and none of us are ever going to see you again, just leave us alone. I think about arguing but whats the point? No one is going to listen to me right now because I'm the "one" who did all this to her. Destroyed everyone's nice happy world.

Well, that's all I have to say. If I seem a little critical of the happiness at any cost train of thought, I think I have a right to be. I'm exhausted, angry, sad, guilt-ridden and crying right now.

Cassie

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I don't know what I can say Cassie. I think you are being treated unfairly, but again right now there is so much emotion by everyone. I'm surprised you can write as well as you do with so much pain and sorrow.

I never was in a relationship so can't give any advice. But I do feel your suffering and I pray you can find resolution.

Jenny

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Cassie:

They Baker acted your wife, and, yes, it actually IS the law, especially in your state (which was my state for 31 years).

Look, you're so doing the right thing by being there for her; however, please, do not crucify yourself, okay? Easy for me to say. Hard for you to do. True. However, her reaction to all this is quite extreme. Sure, you're mad at me for saying so, but I'm saying so because it's just not true that YOU drove her to the brink, okay. People who react this strongly are hardwired that way. I'm a paraprofessional (and have been for 15 years) in the medical field, and I know my stuff. I've type many reports over the years on cases exactly like this though caused by different triggers.

There IS a good side to this with that being that inasmuch as she's currently Baker acted, you can ask for, and receive, a psychiatric consultation for her. She'll get it in a heartbeat if you ask for it once she comes around, and I believe you should do so. Take it a day at a time, okay.

I came out 3 years ago, am nearly 2 years on hormones and DID lose my wife of 20 years, and, yes, that price IS too high, and I greatly regret losing her imperfections and all. I told her (through sobbing tears) just this morning that I'd give ANYTHING to be normal and get what we had back. However, she said (rightly so) that I was born this way and getting off of hormones would be like a diabetic getting off of insulin: a death sentence. She's actually right.

What to do?

Take it one day at a time. Believe that good will come your way AND her way again if not necessarily together. Remember, you've had other very hard challenges in your life at your age. You made it through them. You will make it through this. You may do well to have the consulting psychiatrist do psychiatric treatment for your wife as an inpatient ... that means a psychiatric placement. Sounds like she truly and genuinely needs this and will benefit from it very much.

For perspective, remember that ALL marriages eventually end with one of the spouses ultimately passing away before the other one. Right now, stand by her. Love her. Love expects no return and is self-sufficient. By no means is future happiness and joy gone from either her life or yours. This too will pass.

PM any of us that you relate to on here if you want to, and we'll be happy to talk with you.

Prayerfully :friends: Lacey

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I'm new in these forums and just started coming out, so I have no experience to speak of, but I love you and I truly hope your wife will be okay and that you will be okay too.

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Hi Cassie,

I'm so terribly sorry that this has happened. Nobody should have to be party to this. My heart goes out to you.

it's been about six years since I took the blame for my wife's suicide attempt. It wasn't because of coming out as trans - that would come later - but it was due to indifference. At least that's what I thought at the time. In the months afterwards, I realized that it was not my fault, but a set of circumstances that I was involved in, but not the center. My wife spent the next several years in and out of mental institutions - it made me realize how delicate and precious life is, how I must take utmost care never to let that happen again. It was a horrible dark time for both of us. But in the end, we came out only the closer, our bond stronger than ever.

Right now, you're in the middle of a maelstrom, and I can't dispute your guilt or second thoughts about coming out. But, please give her time - she will get therapy that may just may help her to understand your needs. And, at the same time, give yourself time. You have a therapy appointment soon - and that's a good thing. After the emotions calm down - the picture will be much different.

If you can, let the emotions expressed by your aunt and son wash away - they're just confused and lost. They too will eventually see differently.

Please take care of yourself - and your wife. And stay by us here, too - there's always someone here who can help.

All my love, Megan

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I just want you to know that it isn't your fault on what happened. I know it must feel that way right now but give it time, things will get better. Easy for me to say, but it will.

-Hugs-

Stephanie

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I am too triggered to read the post and get out in one piece. I do want you to know that I am here and I care, deeply.

april

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This was hard to read through...it's so hard to know that someone is going through so much pain. For what it's worth, my heart goes out to you; this was not your fault. You made a choice to try and make your life better; she made the choice to reject you, and then made the choice to hurt herself. These things are not easy things to endure, but they can be endured.

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I have experienced the suicide attempt scenario a number of times, not with a wife, but with a daughter, it is the same though in that my daughter had been living with me at the time, and I did blame myself the first time or two. With my daughter though, it did continue until just recently with as many as a try every two to three weeks.

We are not to blame for their actions though. Not I for my daughter or you for your wife. This is a sign that your wife had other problems even before your Coming Out, that were brewing and bubbling and ready to explode. Your coming out was just the smallest atom added to a load of cares that had already been there. It is possible that now BOTH of you can get care that has been needed for years. The real reason may have been a landmine placed before you ever met her, and your footfall yards away with your distress was all it took to trigger it.

Your position in this is neither victim or villain, but rather is HERO, you saw the problem and reacted appropriately and she is alive now and will be able to begin healing , which she would not be if it had been other people, or perhaps, no-one. If she is typical of those who take that route, you will not be seen by her as a hero, but I am sure the paramedics and police do see it that way. You did save her life. They cannot take that from you.

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Cassie,

My heart goes out to you and your wife in this time of terrible pain and distress. The kind folks that responded before me have already covered what I would have said also, such as this is not your fault, that this too shall pass, that perhaps the both of you can now address your real needs in a positive and therapeutic setting...hang in there, things can and will get better. It IS hard, and there are consequences, but managing the best we can is all we can really do...

I have lived with my share of suicidal women over the years and my life partner for the lase decade and a half is no exception. Many tears, and years, ago my dysphoria had risen to horrible proportions and my relationship was driven to the brink of failure. My spouse was having a very hard time with her own issues and I was completely disconnecting from her. She ended up in a 72 hour hold after a similar 911 call and I ended up on a doctor prescribed 6 year Xanax addiction. I took the drugs to mask my dysphoria enough to save her the pain (and hopefully prevent me) from 'coming out' and causing her to kill herself...

My point? I wasted 8 more years of my life being miserable for no net gain. I let myself think I really WAS responsible for her suicidality, but the fact is, she was that way long before my trans-ness was apparent...

It wasn't until she got the psych help that SHE needed that I was able to proceed with my own search for peace. After a few months to get used to the idea my relationship with her is now very solid, better than eve,r actually. She may or may not decide to end our 'physical relationship' but our friendship is stronger than ever. I hope to even be able to preserve our romantic love, but if I must lose something, I'd rather it was that and not her loyalty and friendship...

Again, Cassie, don't be overcome with despair. The events you have been through are indeed scary and all-too-real to ignore, but this period of extreme duress is finite. This too shall pass, and on the flipside your 'secret' is now out and you will start to feel better about it as you are able to absorb the positive implications for your day-to-day life...

Hang on, girl! I know it hurts...it gets better!!

Love and Fortitude, Svenna

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Cassie,

you are a wonderful person and entirely undeserving of this. I can't really offer any advice, but I can give you my love and support and please remember we're always here for you when you need to talk. Things may not be great now, but they will get better. In a month, maybe two, maybe a year, but it will get there. In the mean time, things will change, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. Who knows what will happen between now and then but this is not your fault. None of it. No one can help struggling with gender dysphoria and it is very cruel and selfish of them to turn this all about themselves and likewise to do all this to you. There is no reason things can't be talked about and maybe understanding reached. Hopefully, in the future that will happen.

Until the hon, please hold on. I know it's not easy, but hold on and be strong. I have two shoulders and you're welcome to cry on one or even two if you like. Please keep talking to us.

*Hugs*

~Risu.

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So - I read this last night and I wanted to wrap my arms around you to help. Tonight I had the youth crisis stabilization unit at my house for my son. He's been talking about suicide and tonight he articulated a plan to get a knife and stab himself. It was so scary. The worst part was that the evening conversation started about me and him not wanting me to change until he was an adult.

Thanks for posting your message yesterday because I spent the day checking in and read the posts from everyone else and it helped me to get through it without blaming myself too much! Lots of his problems stem from some of the things I've done and I feel a lot of regret, remorse, and self-blame, but I need to be strong and help him.

The price tag for my own transition just went up. He was fine originally, but he's obviously been thinking about it and doesn't want any part of it it seems. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I love that kid so much - I told myself if my kids weren't okay with it, I wouldn't do it (for now). I have my GT tomorrow, thank goodness. Anyway, I need to try to get some sleep, but as I was going through this evening, I kept thinking about this thread.

I honestly understand a lot better than I did yesterday. My goodness what to do?

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There is a lot of Love and Compassion coming through on this thread. All our hearts are with you in a very difficult situation.

One time in a moments thoughtlessness, I hurt a person who essentially saved my life. He was the last person on earth i would have wanted to bring pain. For me it was a tragedy. After a few weeks I made amends and asked his forgiveness. He, being wiser and more mature, replied, "time heals all wounds". Over a period of months, by my not pushing it to regain the past, not fleeing in despair, our relationship rebuilt. It is essentially where it was before. I won't say that your relationship with your wife will return to what it was because the fundamental dynamic has been changed by revealing who you are... However your relationship with others may return to a sense of normalcy, if your long term strategy is to live the life of integrity and honor that you presumably were living before.

Make no mistake: Suicide attempts are a reality of being trans, but the vast majority are attempted by trans people who can't get to where they need to be rather than spouses who can't handle life on life's terms. The "normal" response of a spouse who feels betrayed is anger and perhaps departure, not anger and suicide. Your wife is in the right place...Baker Acted or Marchman Acted and in a place to receive the help she needs. The reality is that if you chose to stuff your feelings forever, it might be you lying in the secure ward with tubes attached.

I believe that things will get better if you live a life of personal truth and integrity, being yourself, helping others, keeping a hand open to those currently rejecting you. I also believe that it is a tragedy to not be who we really are, living in fear and guilt and shame because society can't accept us as simple human beings trying to live the life we need to live, being our true selves.

Lastly, today there is a god in my life... On a daily basis I ask his/her will to be revealed. When I live a life trying to do gods will rather than my own, I see possibilities I didn't see before, opportunities to be useful that I didn't know existed. I don't believe god wants us to pretend to be someone we aren't. I believe god wants us to be the best we can be, becoming the best transgendered functional humans we can be. If we do that, our actions and behavior reflect who we are, people with worth and integrity. If I am doing gods will I may indeed lose people I care deeply about, but I also believe others who are living the same lives of integrity, worth, and love will enter into our lives.

Peace

Michelle

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Cassie,

I've been away from this forum for a few months because of my own issues. This is neither the time nor the place to go into what exactly happened.

For the past couple months I've been confronted with the high cost of my own transition. While it was not someone close attempting suicide, I have been left to wonder why. I was prepared to lose everything. If I ended up homeless and completely cut off from everyone I knew before I came out, so be it. But what I lost was something no one can prepare you for.

So round and round I've gone in my head. Why did this happen? Could it have been prevented? Did I deserve it? How can I live with what happened? Is it worth going on?

The conclusion I keep coming back to is that in this life we are ultimately responsible for our own actions. Did you chose to come out? Yes. Did your wife over react? Yes.

Your wife can blame you. Your wife can hate you. Your wife can leave you. Your wife can even try to take her own life. The thing to remember is that each of those is a decision your wife makes, not you. You cannot be responsible for the actions someone else takes freely.

Hang in there. In the morning, the sun will rise, and life will go on. The next morning, the sun will rise again, and again, and again. Soon enough, the hurt will lessen and you will find a way to carry on.

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There is a lot of Love and Compassion coming through on this thread. All our hearts are with you in a very difficult situation.

One time in a moments thoughtlessness, I hurt a person who essentially saved my life. He was the last person on earth i would have wanted to bring pain. For me it was a tragedy. After a few weeks I made amends and asked his forgiveness. He, being wiser and more mature, replied, "time heals all wounds". Over a period of months, by my not pushing it to regain the past, not fleeing in despair, our relationship rebuilt. It is essentially where it was before. I won't say that your relationship with your wife will return to what it was because the fundamental dynamic has been changed by revealing who you are... However your relationship with others may return to a sense of normalcy, if your long term strategy is to live the life of integrity and honor that you presumably were living before.

Make no mistake: Suicide attempts are a reality of being trans, but the vast majority are attempted by trans people who can't get to where they need to be rather than spouses who can't handle life on life's terms. The "normal" response of a spouse who feels betrayed is anger and perhaps departure, not anger and suicide. Your wife is in the right place...Baker Acted or Marchman Acted and in a place to receive the help she needs. The reality is that if you chose to stuff your feelings forever, it might be you lying in the secure ward with tubes attached.

I believe that things will get better if you live a life of personal truth and integrity, being yourself, helping others, keeping a hand open to those currently rejecting you. I also believe that it is a tragedy to not be who we really are, living in fear and guilt and shame because society can't accept us as simple human beings trying to live the life we need to live, being our true selves.

Lastly, today there is a god in my life... On a daily basis I ask his/her will to be revealed. When I live a life trying to do gods will rather than my own, I see possibilities I didn't see before, opportunities to be useful that I didn't know existed. I don't believe god wants us to pretend to be someone we aren't. I believe god wants us to be the best we can be, becoming the best transgendered functional humans we can be. If we do that, our actions and behavior reflect who we are, people with worth and integrity. If I am doing gods will I may indeed lose people I care deeply about, but I also believe others who are living the same lives of integrity, worth, and love will enter into our lives.

Peace

Michelle

Michelle,

Beautifully said...

Thank you for articulating the points so well. I really appreciate your level-headedness..

Love, Svenna

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I thought a would give an update on events since I posted. I want to thank you all my friends, for your support, understanding and words of wisdom. You are why I love this community so much.

My wife spent 3 days in a medical ward until the doctors were certain there were no more lasting physical effects from the sleeping pills she took. On 12/1 she was going to be transferred to the mental health ward for several days of counseling. 12/1 also happened to be our 28 yr wedding anniversary. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that one if our anniversaries would be spent in a hospital for such a reason. I spent the entire day with her.

I brought her chinese food (her favorite), lavender roses (her favorite and mine) and dark chocolate. We spent the day waiting for her to be transferred, talking, eating and trying our best to celebrate under the circumstances. We opened lines of communication and that was such a relief in itself. She admitted to me that my coming out was not the sole reason for her "going over the edge" and she said that she knew she needed to be there to get help with several different issues in her life. Her admissions brought some measure of peace to me, the guilt I have been feeling has nearly been overwhelming.

We also talked about me. One of the statements she made that struck me the most was when she said she never suspected anything. But now that I had come out she was seeing me in a completely different way. She said she could see the woman behind my eyes now, looking out at her. She didn't understand how she never saw this before. I told her that if I had never given her a reason to look, there was no mystery as to why she never saw "Cassie".

I stayed with her until late in the evening, then the inevitable came. The nurses came to transfer her. I could not go with her to the other ward so we had to say our goodbyes in the hallway, with a quick hug and kiss and then she was gone. I left the hospital feeling down and depressed, but happy that she was going to get some much needed help.

She called me yesterday morning. She hated the place. She said her roommate was "crazy" and she had been afraid to sleep most of the night. I did my best to calm her and promised to come for visiting hours on Saturday. I could hear the rage creeping back into her voice and I hoped that her therapist would talk with her soon. She called me again several hours later telling me that she was being transferred to the VA hospital. This had her spirits lifted because we live literally 5 blocks from the VA and she was going to feel close to home. I told her I would meet her at the VA so we could spend time together while she was being admitted.

I sat with her in the ER of the VA while all the paperwork was being done. While we were talking she asked me if I loved her and wanted to stay together. I told her that I still loved her as always and yes, I wanted to work the relationship out and for us to stay together. This seemed to make her happy and more relaxed, at least for the moment. Then a doctor came over and advised us that they were baker acting her all over again. Now she's angry again, she doesn't understand why they have to do that. He explains that a different hospital, different baker act. She turns to me with fury in her eyes and hisses why did you do this to me! I sigh, one step forward, two steps back. Repairing our relationship is going to be a long and hard process, I see that now.

I get to go up to the mental health ward with her this time. She is subjected to another strip search, another indignity twice in two days. After this she is definitely not a happy camper and the rest of our visit is strained. I promise to be back at the beginning of visiting hours today and spend the entire afternoon with her. Another hug and kiss, then the doors shut and lock behind me. We wave to each other through a small window and then she turns and walks away. I just hope that they can help her.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

PS...Kael, I'm happy that my post actually brought help to you with your situation. I think it is so important that posts need to be balanced out here at Laura's. I enjoy the "feel good" posts as much as everyone, but there also have to be posts showing that the things we face do not always have happy endings.

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Hey Cassie, Thanks for the update, I've been checking in to see if you had posted something. My son hasn't changed his mind about me, is still depressed, but I know it wasn't me that got him there. He is being bullied and has some of his own self-image problems. He's a good kid and I don't think he will try to kill himself, but we are paying close attention. Take care of yourself - try not to wear yourself too thin while you are caring for your wife.

With warmest affection,

Kael

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Thanks for the update Cassie honey. I was worried about you. I'm sorry you are having this awful experience and sorry your wife is so unhappy. I think there is a glimmer of hope in what you say here though, at least your wife is talking to you about the situation rather than just being angry.

You and she have my very best wishes,

Kay

xx

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Wishing you both the very best in this difficult time Cassie, It was nice to hear some hope in your last post. May the recovery of these recent events continue to take place for both of you.

Cynthia -

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I know all the pain and guilt you have been suffering lately and am happy that your relationship with your wife is getting better. It is wonderful that you will always be there for her. That is very special and shows the true meaning of love. It also appears that your wife will always be a part of your life no matter what happens.

The events during the last week may be a blessing in disguise if the result is you now don't need to live a lie, and your wife can find healing for her own issues she's kept bottled up.

Life may turn better after all, thanks to your love and courage. Of course only time will tell for those pages haven't been written yet.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

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Thank you so much for the update Cassie. I've been really worried for you and all you've been through lately....it seems thingws have improved a bit, far from ideal but I am glad your wife has releived you of some of your guilt. Just remember Cassie.... you didn't force her take those sleeping pills and you tried to talk things out with her calmly. She is the one who overreacted and took those sleeping pills. Any indignity she's had to suffer is from her own doing. This may seem harsh, and I don't want to upset you, but her reaction was completely childish.... understandable but still, totally selfish and childish. Please, don't take all of this burden on yourself because its far from being all your fault and this ordeal, this journey is about both of you and where you will go from here.

I will keep praying for you Cassie and hoping for the best. Please keep us informed.

*Hugs*

~Risu.

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Time is the doctor of necessity on this type of thing. Time and safety to heal, even though the type of healing needed here will not be seen any time soon. The end result hopefully though is a live person whom you did love, and whom you hope to love in the future, even if not the same love as before. Lets hope that you and she can hold on to the goal of health for both of you, no matter whether it is couple or two singles. Friendship vs marital love is a battle and a balance to fight, and if necessary to lose so the balance wins and two people survive. My best wishes, and a gift of patience to both of you.

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Just another quick update. It looks like my wife will be released tomorrow and be coming home. I have no idea what is going to happen but I'm so happy to get her home safe. My head is spinning right now trying to think of everything that we are probably going to be talking about. I know it will all come in time but don't have a clue what the end result will be.

Thank you all for the love you have sent my way, I have been able to feel it and it has helped me get through so far. I will update again in a couple of days.

I love you all my friends,

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

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Not to drag this one down on you Hun, but the real work begins now, it will not be cured by today or for many days and possibly years, so get ready to do some work, endure some more heartbreak, and keep yourself in good health. You will help her by being true to yourself, (I know that one for sure, I goofed on it and darn near killed myself) and by following your path GOING FORWARD and not into the past. You will see that things were NOT as either of you believed them to be in the past, and each of you had terrible secrets, neither one was without them. You can do it now because you have faced your own inner demons and know their names which is your power over them!!

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No matter what we are all still here for you. The work does really start now, but that doesn't mean you are alone. Please reach out any time you think you might need us.

April

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