In desperate need of help and don't know where to turn

[kyennamo]

Hi everyone. back in june i started a topic about thinking i had an eating dosorder but i just kept telling myself it was a means to an end. i just wanted to be thin and attractive and i would stop when i got to my target weight. i never got down to the 140 i wanted to be but iv gone from 195 to 148. The problem is now i cant stop. I think iv done some serious damage to my stomach because i feel sick to my tummy almost all the time. I cant eat a regualr sized meal without feeling guilty and sick so i go and throw it up. not only does my tummy feel gross all the time but it looks like i have swolen glands all the time now too. Iv told my therapist about it but she didnt seen overly concerned. maybe its cause she is a GT and eating disorders arent her speciality or maybe its becaus iv downplayed the severity of this in our sessions. I have kicked my smoking habbit and my drug habbit myself with no help from anyone else but this eating disorder is beating me. Several times iv made the resolution to stop purging but it has never lasted longer than 2 days. Im finally ready to admit for the first time in my life....I NEED HELP! but i have no idea where to turn. I live in west chester pennsylvania and have done internet searches for support groups and such but all i come up with is therapists who deal with the issue and i cant afford another therapist. i have gotten better with my caloric intake. i used to limit it to 800ish but now i eat probably 1200 or 1300 calories a day but the problem is more often than not i throw up dinner. sometimes its just to relieve the sick feeling in my stomach and other times its to get rid of the guilt of eating too many calories. i see myself as fat and just cant justify the calories iv eaten. i am about 6 ft tall and 148 lbs. i dont think its too skinny and i still see myself as having a chubby tummy so somehow my mind wont let me stop. Im sick of having a sore throat sick stomach and swolen neck but i cant stop. PLEASE i just dont know where to turn. im scared iv already done permanent damage but i just cant stop. If anyone knows where i could turn for help it would be greatly appreciated

thanks for listening

Katie

[JJ]

Katie,

You are right to be concerned. The possible effects can even be fatal as you probably know.. Purging can do all sorts of serious damage regardless of whether you are too thin or not. Here is a number to call that may be able to refer you or at least get you started with help. This needs to take priority I believe because even transition won't matter if you aren't here to do it.

National Eating Disorders Association’s toll-free hotline at 1-800-931-2237 (Mon–Fri, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. PST).

And here is a helpful page. I am not going to give you advise other than to seek professional help because this is way too serious .

http://helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

Please call now and get help so you can be around to enjoy your life as your true self and be healthy enough to actually do it.

Johnny

[VickySGV]

Johnny has given you some very good leads there!! I hope you will respond to us and let us know how they work out. Thinking of you!!

[kyennamo]

I felt stupid calling the number cause i feel like this is something i should be able to handle on my own but i sucked up my pride and called anyway.unfortunately, the closest group they had on record was in pittsburg PA which is several hours away from me. The woman on i talked to took my email address and told me if she could find something in my area she would email me the details. i hope she finds something as this has gotten out of controll. i vomit almost every single day sometimes 2x or more in a day and this behavious needs to stop before it causes any more damage. on a lighter note...I see oblivion under your list of interests johnny. Have you played skyrim yet? oblivion was my favorite game of all time (right next to final fantasy 7 and metal gear solid 3). but skyrim eclipses it in almost every way

[JJ]

All my gaming seems to have fallen by the wayside since I started transitioning. A time issue primarily. I want to play Skyrim one day. I've had a new PS# FF for months and not played it. Which amazes me. One day I'll get back to it.

As far as the eating problem since there isn't a group nearby you need to talk to your Dr. Which I realize will be harder than making that phone call. They have seen everything and heard everything and won't be appalled or anything but should know how to help you and check for any damage that is already done and can be reversed. Your GT should also be able yo refer you to someone who can help too. And once you tell her how serious it has become should take it more seriously. You may be right that it is out of her field but since eating disorders can develop due to GID she should know at least where to refer you if she can't help herself.

Thanks for telling me about Skyrim. I should be able to cut my exercise in half by February or March and will have several more hours a week so maybe I can find time to play

Johnny

[VickySGV]

Katie --

Do let your doctor know about the vomiting issue. My daughter has a friend with your problem there, and it was medically treated with very good results. In her case it turned out to have caused injury, but the damage was small, and should heal in time. Yes there was some time spent with a therapist too, but it can be brought under control.

[kyennamo]

well the lady with the eating disorder helpline got back to me and there are no groups in my area just therapists and like i said before i cant afford another therapist. i did however come clean with my gender therapist and she had no idea how serious the problem had become. We spent the better part of our session on monday discussing this issue and my need to weigh myself 3 to 5 times a day. she all but insisted i get rid of my scale but im not going to do that and i made that quite clear to her. if i let my guard down and put on weight its a slippery slope. before i know it i will have gained 5 10 or 15 lbs. i wanna beat this thing but i wanna do it without gaining weight. i actually wanna lose 10 more lbs. My wife knows how serious i am about this and she has pledged to help me the best that she can which basically means helping plan out sensable meals that dont exceed what i consider an acceptable caloric intake for each day. iv also started exercising for 20-30 min 2x a day as a more healthy way to purge the calories instead of literally purging them. so far its been 4 days and i havent vomited once which is the longest iv gone in almost a year. i really wanna keep this up so the swelling of the glands in my neck go back down to normal. its funny ...... i didnt care about the health consequences of this till it effected my appearance. thats what it finally took to get me to try and do something about it.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Kyennamo

One of the ways I learned to manage my eating, is to eat small portions over the course of the day. The human body is designed to only process small quantities of food, anyway. Just a healthy snack or 2 a day, like an apple, or other fruit, will go a long way towards calming your stomach, and restoring your health. 2 light meals, and 2 healthy snacks, and one nice meal need not be too high a calorie count, or be too filling, and still be healthful overall. I also count calorie VALUE as much as calorie total (calories from carbs are not the same as calories from protien, etc.). Avoid fast food if possible!

I've only really purged when I drank too much....but we won't go there...

I understand your desire to be slender, and only wish I knew how to heal you. I hope you find the help you need.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[kyennamo]

i thought i was doing good. i went 2 weeks without throwing up and havent gained any weight but last night and again tonight i went back to doing it. i just dont know what to do. i thought i had it beat. aparently not

[Guest Jenny C]

Dear Kyennamo,

I agree with all that has been said... get help but especially regarding your physical condition.

But from another standpoint, you say you are ready to change. Your motivated and it the first important and essential condition...

I agree also with Gina Renee about quantities and frequencies and all...

But from another standpoint,

You'll have to observe yourself...

What are your thoughts and feeling when it happens...

Why ?

'cause you're probably having a kind of reflex reaction... Your body has been condition to react to certain circumstances...

It's nothing but a reflex... You must find what triggers it and change it...

Most of the time, it is some thoughts that you have (often, automatic) from which certain emotions are elicited... and then reaction is provoked...

For example... I'll feel sick, I won't be able to do it = > anxiety => body reacts... (often associated to a feeling of panic, of loss of control... or something else... different for everyone)

To help yourself... you can try to change what you're thinking... See yourself in the most beautiful place in the world where you were in peace... or whatever thoughts that bring you peace...

And then eat small bite... and then do something else that change your mind without thinking that you are doing it to change your mind... program yourself...

or you could try to change the environment in which you eat... put nice music...candles...

The idea is reconditioning your body to react differently...

If you could self observe yourself... What are you thinking or feeling when it happens... you'll have path, the key to work on and be able to identify the trigger mechanism...

You can stop these thoughts... And try to prepare your body to react otherwise... Prepare yourself just by imagining you are eating in a relax context...

When you try to eat... put yourself in the same situation... Flee everything or thoughts that brings anxiety or whatever emotion you have identified...

When you're in a good state, try to eat... Remember, you must identify what to change and try... Be relax and strategic...

Hope this help ;-)

Love,

Jenny

P.S.see your doc... but in the meanwhile... you could try... and afterwards also.

Acupuncture might also help a lot to recondition your mechanism...

[kyennamo]

im back to doing it again. 3 out of the last 4 days

[Guest Jenny C]

I am with you my dear.

We are all with you.

Love,

Jenny