Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

In desperate need of help and don't know where to turn


kyennamo

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone. back in june i started a topic about thinking i had an eating dosorder but i just kept telling myself it was a means to an end. i just wanted to be thin and attractive and i would stop when i got to my target weight. i never got down to the 140 i wanted to be but iv gone from 195 to 148. The problem is now i cant stop. I think iv done some serious damage to my stomach because i feel sick to my tummy almost all the time. I cant eat a regualr sized meal without feeling guilty and sick so i go and throw it up. not only does my tummy feel gross all the time but it looks like i have swolen glands all the time now too. Iv told my therapist about it but she didnt seen overly concerned. maybe its cause she is a GT and eating disorders arent her speciality or maybe its becaus iv downplayed the severity of this in our sessions. I have kicked my smoking habbit and my drug habbit myself with no help from anyone else but this eating disorder is beating me. Several times iv made the resolution to stop purging but it has never lasted longer than 2 days. Im finally ready to admit for the first time in my life....I NEED HELP! but i have no idea where to turn. I live in west chester pennsylvania and have done internet searches for support groups and such but all i come up with is therapists who deal with the issue and i cant afford another therapist. i have gotten better with my caloric intake. i used to limit it to 800ish but now i eat probably 1200 or 1300 calories a day but the problem is more often than not i throw up dinner. sometimes its just to relieve the sick feeling in my stomach and other times its to get rid of the guilt of eating too many calories. i see myself as fat and just cant justify the calories iv eaten. i am about 6 ft tall and 148 lbs. i dont think its too skinny and i still see myself as having a chubby tummy so somehow my mind wont let me stop. Im sick of having a sore throat sick stomach and swolen neck but i cant stop. PLEASE i just dont know where to turn. im scared iv already done permanent damage but i just cant stop. If anyone knows where i could turn for help it would be greatly appreciated

thanks for listening

Katie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Katie,

You are right to be concerned. The possible effects can even be fatal as you probably know.. Purging can do all sorts of serious damage regardless of whether you are too thin or not. Here is a number to call that may be able to refer you or at least get you started with help. This needs to take priority I believe because even transition won't matter if you aren't here to do it.

National Eating Disorders Association’s toll-free hotline at 1-800-931-2237 (Mon–Fri, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. PST).

And here is a helpful page. I am not going to give you advise other than to seek professional help because this is way too serious .

http://helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm

Please call now and get help so you can be around to enjoy your life as your true self and be healthy enough to actually do it.

Johnny

Link to comment
  • Admin

Johnny has given you some very good leads there!! I hope you will respond to us and let us know how they work out. Thinking of you!!

Link to comment

I felt stupid calling the number cause i feel like this is something i should be able to handle on my own but i sucked up my pride and called anyway.unfortunately, the closest group they had on record was in pittsburg PA which is several hours away from me. The woman on i talked to took my email address and told me if she could find something in my area she would email me the details. i hope she finds something as this has gotten out of controll. i vomit almost every single day sometimes 2x or more in a day and this behavious needs to stop before it causes any more damage. on a lighter note...I see oblivion under your list of interests johnny. Have you played skyrim yet? oblivion was my favorite game of all time (right next to final fantasy 7 and metal gear solid 3). but skyrim eclipses it in almost every way

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

All my gaming seems to have fallen by the wayside since I started transitioning. A time issue primarily. I want to play Skyrim one day. I've had a new PS# FF for months and not played it. Which amazes me. One day I'll get back to it.

As far as the eating problem since there isn't a group nearby you need to talk to your Dr. Which I realize will be harder than making that phone call. They have seen everything and heard everything and won't be appalled or anything but should know how to help you and check for any damage that is already done and can be reversed. Your GT should also be able yo refer you to someone who can help too. And once you tell her how serious it has become should take it more seriously. You may be right that it is out of her field but since eating disorders can develop due to GID she should know at least where to refer you if she can't help herself.

Thanks for telling me about Skyrim. I should be able to cut my exercise in half by February or March and will have several more hours a week so maybe I can find time to play

Johnny

Link to comment
  • Admin

Katie --

Do let your doctor know about the vomiting issue. My daughter has a friend with your problem there, and it was medically treated with very good results. In her case it turned out to have caused injury, but the damage was small, and should heal in time. Yes there was some time spent with a therapist too, but it can be brought under control.

Link to comment

well the lady with the eating disorder helpline got back to me and there are no groups in my area just therapists and like i said before i cant afford another therapist. i did however come clean with my gender therapist and she had no idea how serious the problem had become. We spent the better part of our session on monday discussing this issue and my need to weigh myself 3 to 5 times a day. she all but insisted i get rid of my scale but im not going to do that and i made that quite clear to her. if i let my guard down and put on weight its a slippery slope. before i know it i will have gained 5 10 or 15 lbs. i wanna beat this thing but i wanna do it without gaining weight. i actually wanna lose 10 more lbs. My wife knows how serious i am about this and she has pledged to help me the best that she can which basically means helping plan out sensable meals that dont exceed what i consider an acceptable caloric intake for each day. iv also started exercising for 20-30 min 2x a day as a more healthy way to purge the calories instead of literally purging them. so far its been 4 days and i havent vomited once which is the longest iv gone in almost a year. i really wanna keep this up so the swelling of the glands in my neck go back down to normal. its funny ...... i didnt care about the health consequences of this till it effected my appearance. thats what it finally took to get me to try and do something about it.

Link to comment
Guest GinaInside

Hi Kyennamo

One of the ways I learned to manage my eating, is to eat small portions over the course of the day. The human body is designed to only process small quantities of food, anyway. Just a healthy snack or 2 a day, like an apple, or other fruit, will go a long way towards calming your stomach, and restoring your health. 2 light meals, and 2 healthy snacks, and one nice meal need not be too high a calorie count, or be too filling, and still be healthful overall. I also count calorie VALUE as much as calorie total (calories from carbs are not the same as calories from protien, etc.). Avoid fast food if possible!

I've only really purged when I drank too much....but we won't go there...

I understand your desire to be slender, and only wish I knew how to heal you. I hope you find the help you need.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

i thought i was doing good. i went 2 weeks without throwing up and havent gained any weight but last night and again tonight i went back to doing it. i just dont know what to do. i thought i had it beat. aparently not

Link to comment
Guest Jenny C

Dear Kyennamo,

I agree with all that has been said... get help but especially regarding your physical condition.

But from another standpoint, you say you are ready to change. Your motivated and it the first important and essential condition...

I agree also with Gina Renee about quantities and frequencies and all...

But from another standpoint,

You'll have to observe yourself...

What are your thoughts and feeling when it happens...

Why ?

'cause you're probably having a kind of reflex reaction... Your body has been condition to react to certain circumstances...

It's nothing but a reflex... You must find what triggers it and change it...

Most of the time, it is some thoughts that you have (often, automatic) from which certain emotions are elicited... and then reaction is provoked...

For example... I'll feel sick, I won't be able to do it = > anxiety => body reacts... (often associated to a feeling of panic, of loss of control... or something else... different for everyone)

To help yourself... you can try to change what you're thinking... See yourself in the most beautiful place in the world where you were in peace... or whatever thoughts that bring you peace...

And then eat small bite... and then do something else that change your mind without thinking that you are doing it to change your mind... program yourself...

or you could try to change the environment in which you eat... put nice music...candles...

The idea is reconditioning your body to react differently...

If you could self observe yourself... What are you thinking or feeling when it happens... you'll have path, the key to work on and be able to identify the trigger mechanism...

You can stop these thoughts... And try to prepare your body to react otherwise... Prepare yourself just by imagining you are eating in a relax context...

When you try to eat... put yourself in the same situation... Flee everything or thoughts that brings anxiety or whatever emotion you have identified...

When you're in a good state, try to eat... Remember, you must identify what to change and try... Be relax and strategic...

Hope this help ;-)

Love,

Jenny

P.S.see your doc... but in the meanwhile... you could try... and afterwards also.

Acupuncture might also help a lot to recondition your mechanism...

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 121 Guests (See full list)

    • SamC
    • Susie
    • VickySGV
    • Breezy Victor
    • AllieJ
    • Ashley0616
    • violet r
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bebhar
      Bebhar
      (41 years old)
    2. caelensmom
      caelensmom
      (40 years old)
    3. Jani
      Jani
      (70 years old)
    4. Jessicapitts
      Jessicapitts
      (37 years old)
    5. klb046
      klb046
      (30 years old)
  • Posts

    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
    • MaeBe
      This is the persistence in thinking of trans girls as predators and, as if, they are the only kind of predation that happens in locker rooms. This is strikingly close to the dangerous myth that anatomy corresponds with sexuality and equates to gender.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      At the same time there might be mtf boys who transitioned post-puberty who really belong on the girls' teams because they have more similarities there than with the boys, would perform at the same level, and might get injured playing with the bigger, stronger boys.   I well remember being an androgynous shrimp in gym class that I shared with seniors who played on the football team.  When PE was no longer mandatory, I was no longer in PE. They started some mixed PE classes the second semester, where we played volleyball and learned bowling and no longer mixed with those seniors, boys and girls together.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...