Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

hi, from Eliza D.....


Guest eliza.d

Recommended Posts

Guest eliza.d

hi everyone, im Eliza D. brand newbie to the forum. heres a little bio on me, im not good at being brief, but ill try my best.

im 33, and just came out to anyone for the first time in my life about two months ago. i told my wonderful wife of 9 married years. weve been together for twelve years. she is supportive but having a ha rd time dealing with my plans to fully transition. ive been going to a gid/gd psych near where i live and will be starting hrt after the first of the year. my wife and i have joined a local support group and plan to make full use of any and all resources to help us make it through this enlightening but difficult time. my entire family has drawn knives against me since their finding out. to make matters worse i am an over the road trucker and that is not a friendly or safe environment for me. im planning on taking a local cdl driving job so i can be home regularly and of course make my doc appts and support group meetings. i have always known who i was on the inside and did a good job of hiding myself and pretending to be a man since i was a man on the outside and of course thats what everyone thought i was. for 33 years i have been a total escapist mainly since i knew i would probably lose everyone i loved if they knew who i really was. so essentially i have lived a miserable existence of self deception and immitation thus far. i was living a life that was not my own, in a body that did not match who i knew i was. i always expected to see a woman in the mirror, but sadly all i saw was someone/something else....a man that had stolen my identity.i finally found the courage to come out and take my life back. i know what i need. i know what i want. despite all those i have lost, and those i will lose, i will not lose myself. never again! for the first time in my life, i have clarity, intuition, and peace. the woman has broken free of her prison. I am Eliza. I am here to stay. nothing can keep me from my truth, myself, and my path towards ultimate freedom. it will be a long and painful road, but nothing compares to the pain i have suffered throughout the last 33 years of escapism. self deception equals self destruction. truth is good medicine and life is therapy.

thank you all for all that you are and all that you do for us all.

merry christmas, Eliza D.

Link to comment
Guest NatashaJade

Hi Eliza!

Welcome to Laura's!

Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. As someone who transitioned along with a loving spouse who has had problems at times dealing with this, I know exactly how you feel. My spouse, Marni, writes a blog, http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/ and she has written it for other spouses. Aside from encouraging her to join Laura's, you may want to direct her to Marni's blog.

Stick around! We have refreshments :D

xoxo

Tasha

Link to comment
Guest Szenzie

Welcome Eliza! I've only been here for just over a week and I can't tell you how wonderful this community has been especially in regards to being able to relate to my spouse. Escapism... that's a road I've traveled one too many times as well.

I baked you some cookies to go with the refreshments - hope you like 'em ^_^ If not, I'll gladly eat them =P

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Eliza and enjoyed reading your intro post. I am also married (26 + years) MTF here, who has managed to live a far more genuine life being open with my family, they are transitioning with me. I hope you enjoy yourself here Eliza.

Good luck hon....

Cynthia

Link to comment

Hello Eliza and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

It sounds like you are on track with things and it is great that you have a supportive spouse. That can be a great help with the whole thing. My spouse had been wonderful with her support.

As far as being a OTR trucker we actually have a couple other members here who are transitioning on the job and have had very good results. I am sure they will help you out.

If you have not done so already, we do ask that you look at the terms and conditions to see how we operate on the forums.

Mia

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

absolutely, read it before i posted. wifey loves me. i was a regretfully awful husband, i know i will be a much better wife. thru 33 years of self destructive behavior all i had to give to anyone was ill i could give to myself....misery. now i have all my goodness , love, and all of me to give. yeeeeaah! it would be great to hear some advice from some of the other truckers. i need some insight on how to transition out here, and how to keep from getting killed in the process. my bravery could prove detrimental.

yikes!

Eliza D

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

heres another pic, same outfit, hair back, different makeup. better 5oclock cover, bedroom eyes.

gosh i need a nose job and some facial lypo. lol!

hope you like it.

Eliza D

Link to comment
Guest Kael147

Hi Eliza,

Welcome to Laura's. I've only been here a short while myself, but I have come to depend on this place and generally am in here every day. I'm FTM, but your introduction resonated with me. I am always amazed by the courage people have had to come out in the face of possible adversity. I knew I would have a supportive wife, she is a sex health educator and lgbt rights activist, so I wasn't affraid to tell her. I thought she may not want to be with a man, but she loves me and wants to be with me.

I'm super lucky to have had so much support. The work environment is my last big hurdle. I have to tell the folks at my Church too, but they will accept me with open arms I'm certain. I've already told my Minister. Anyway - I don't wanna go on about me, I just want to welcome you to these forums and while I don't bake or make coffee, I do offer unsolicited advice and generally try to relate each person's story to my own.

Best,

Kael

Link to comment
Guest Janice Lynn

Eliza, I want to welcome you to our cyber-community and hope that we will be of genuine

help to you in the coming months and even years. My only advice at this point is to suggest

that you stop thinking of yourself as an "awful husband" when, in fact, it probably took you

more courage than anyone can ever know to present yourself as a male in the world of

family, friends, and work. Don't beat yourself up and give thanks that, like me, you are so

fortunate as to have your wife in your corner.

That being said I can only suggest that you use the same feminine compassion toward your

wife as you can given that presumably she did not know what she was buying when she said

"I do." I know mine sure didn't. We need to give them lots of leeway and, if you love her as

much as you seem to love her, move forward into transition at a pace that considers her

feelings as much as yours. If she opts out the game changes, but right now you are ...

like me ... blessed and cursed that your wife loves you enough to stand by your side in what

is an excruciatingly difficult time.

I wish I could say it is a pleasant, planned out road. Sometimes we forget that our wives or

husbands are also products of their DNA and environments just as we are. Every once in

awhile I have to take a step back and let her catch up. After all, it is hard thing we are

asking of a woman (or man) who put her trust in us for a lifelong commitment to a "normal"

marriage.

I wish you all of the success you dream of during your transition and simply hope you will

never forget how her love for you made this first step possible.

Always, Janice Lynn

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

thanks kael, and janice lynn. my wife is most staunch advocate. other than everyone here at the forum, my psych, and my doc, shes the only one on my side. if it were not for our sincere love, devotion, and trust for one another, i would most likely still be living in agony in my previous existince of zombie like self deception. i was always very adept at pretending to be something other than myself for the last 33 years. so much so, no one, and i mean no one ever saw this coming. my wife was shocked at first, but all the little clues fell into place and made sense once she saw the big picture. i was always ready to go out for some retail therapy and help her pick out outfits and fabulous accessories. i am a very generous person, and never told her no to anything she wanted. fortunately for our finances, she is very frugal. you wouldnt know it if you saw her, sh is always dressed to kill, and looking like a million bucks. i am very, very, very blessed. also, i was always the snuggler and always took up the femme position in that. not to mention we have seen nearly every romantic-comedy...... what is it guys call them...uh, oh yeah "chick flicks". lol! theres a lot more, but you get the gist. i tend to be a bit tangentially long winded. she is my soulmate, the love of my life, and my best friend. she is my world. we have been doing a lot better now that the reL me is alive and well for the first time in the 12 years weve been together. she sees that it is now possible for me to give all of myself, all my love, goodness, and responsibility to her. whereas before all i had to give her....myself or anyone, was misery.

i know this isnt the religious section, but it is pertinent to add a thought at this point. we both believ that god brought us together for a reason. he knew us both before we were born. he knew me even when i chose to ignore who i really was. he knew what he was giving to my wife through me. this is the cornerstone for our position( my wife and i), to work through this together and come out together, and stronger within ourselves, and in our marriage....on the other side.

ok, sorry. i tend to expound with ease, especially when i am passionate about something.

thanks again for supporting me. hopefully, my babbling will help someone else too.

kael, it doesnt matter that you are ftm and i am mtf, we both understand each others pain, suffering, and experience. our quest for peace and happiness is one in the same.

hugs to all.

Eliza D

Link to comment
Guest miss kindheart

Hi Eliza,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

thanks vanna, im having trouble registering for the chatroom support group from my droid smartphone. im currently on the road it it is all i have to stay connected.

thanks so much for the invite, ill be in there soon.

hugs to all, Eliza D

Link to comment

Hi Sugar!! and a warm welcome to our loving family here at Laura's. You are so very blessed to have a soul-mate who loves and supports you, Hon! And we all salute and shout our blessings to her. Being a woman---ain't it just grand!!!!

Hugs, Miss Ricka

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

being the woman that i am for the first time on this earth is the most fulfilling occurrence in my life. surpassed only by one thing.... the love i have for, and recieve from, my wife and also the lord.

we are all beautiful, my love and support i give to you all as you have given to me.

bless you,

Eliza

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

being the woman that i am openly for the first time in my life is the most astonishingly amazing feeling. surpassed only by the love that i have for and recieve from my wife and the lord.

hugs,

Eliza

Link to comment
Guest Eva.Angeli

Hi (^-^),

I'm new here too and newly "out" [and, well lets say not as young as some too].

So glad that your wife is working with you! My wife, although she love "me" tons and tons said she wasn't a lesbian and, well, long story short, took the kids and ran (u_u) [still love her and can't blame her though].

Hope things go well, this seems to be a road full of loss, but, I am finding, it doesn't have to be lonely!

(^_^) merry christmass to you too sister,

Eve

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

eva.angeli,

my wife said the same thing about not being a lesbian and not wanting to be married to a w man. she actually served me with divorce papers, once she began to notice flood incoming from my buried female soul, and realized where i was going with my journey. at first, she was supportive, but she thought i just wanted to be in touch with my feminine side and play dress up. it was much, much more than that.

your wife will quite possibly come back around, it may just take her some time to deal with this. even if she doesnt come back, dont lose yourself.

age? only matters with wine and cheese. we are all ages here and you are not alone.

we are here for you.

hugs,

Eliza D

Link to comment
Guest Eva.Angeli

wow… thank you,

Yeah, she seems to be gone (v_v). I even told her before we got married about how I wanted to “be a girl.” Apparently she thought it was something I had over come {due to my Manly strength (^o^) [laughing (^_~)] … no... tears after all (;_;)}

Well the kids won’t barely, hardly talk to me even on the phone, and …

Well anyways, nice to hear from you,

Love the “wine and cheese” line,

Thank you again’

<3,

Eva

Link to comment
Guest eliza.d

your welcome, sorry to hear that your kids wont talk to you either.

imho, they are being brainwashed by someone who cannot understand you, and refuses to try.

they will come around. just be patient. i know thats easier said than done, but you have to survive sister.

my family, other than my wife thank the lord, are a bunch of brainwashed torch bearing lunitics on a witch hunt to destroy my will to survive. i know it sounds extreme, but i tell you its the honest truth. my mom who left my dad and i in 1981 www ithout so much as a tear, has been calling my dad trying to help her get me committed to an asylum. she has cussed at me violently, hung up on me, and thrown her own diagnostics at me...im bi polar, ocd, a lunitic....those are some of the things she s said. actually, she has no training, and no qualitative skills in the area of psychology. if she did, she would understan my condition and help me instead of hurting me.

so its my wife, myself, and god against the world for now.

and all of my new family here, i know you all support me.

god bless you all. never let anyone tell you: you are not beautiful,

Eliza D

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
Guest eliza.d

hi everyone, sorry i have been away so long, a lot has been happening. some things, getting divorced, name change imminent... im waiting for the hearing, moving to philly, well middletown, de....cheaper and close enuff to philly. moving in with a sister/friend of mine. have discovered i am totally hetero. only guys for me......long story.

here is a before and after pic of me. pic taken recently, 65 days into hrt, im on day 73 now.

major dramatic changes, almost as fast as me, the bullet train.

hugs, Eliza

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Wow-What a dramatic change! It must feel fantastic.

Some days I look in the mirror and can't believe it is true at last. Some days I can't quite believe the other was ever true . But then it really wasn't me so in a sense it wasn't true . Does that happen to you too?

May your coming year see more of those changes and find your new life everything you could hope or wish for it to be

Johnny

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 144 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Betty K
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/scotland-pauses-prescriptions-puberty-blockers-transgender-minors-rcna148366     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-second-trump-presidency-would-be-a-nightmare-scenario-for-transgender-people_n_661ff9a9e4b07db21fd5d59b     Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...