hi, from Eliza D.....

[Guest eliza.d]

hi everyone, im Eliza D. brand newbie to the forum. heres a little bio on me, im not good at being brief, but ill try my best.

im 33, and just came out to anyone for the first time in my life about two months ago. i told my wonderful wife of 9 married years. weve been together for twelve years. she is supportive but having a ha rd time dealing with my plans to fully transition. ive been going to a gid/gd psych near where i live and will be starting hrt after the first of the year. my wife and i have joined a local support group and plan to make full use of any and all resources to help us make it through this enlightening but difficult time. my entire family has drawn knives against me since their finding out. to make matters worse i am an over the road trucker and that is not a friendly or safe environment for me. im planning on taking a local cdl driving job so i can be home regularly and of course make my doc appts and support group meetings. i have always known who i was on the inside and did a good job of hiding myself and pretending to be a man since i was a man on the outside and of course thats what everyone thought i was. for 33 years i have been a total escapist mainly since i knew i would probably lose everyone i loved if they knew who i really was. so essentially i have lived a miserable existence of self deception and immitation thus far. i was living a life that was not my own, in a body that did not match who i knew i was. i always expected to see a woman in the mirror, but sadly all i saw was someone/something else....a man that had stolen my identity.i finally found the courage to come out and take my life back. i know what i need. i know what i want. despite all those i have lost, and those i will lose, i will not lose myself. never again! for the first time in my life, i have clarity, intuition, and peace. the woman has broken free of her prison. I am Eliza. I am here to stay. nothing can keep me from my truth, myself, and my path towards ultimate freedom. it will be a long and painful road, but nothing compares to the pain i have suffered throughout the last 33 years of escapism. self deception equals self destruction. truth is good medicine and life is therapy.

thank you all for all that you are and all that you do for us all.

merry christmas, Eliza D.

[Guest NatashaJade]

Hi Eliza!

Welcome to Laura's!

Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. As someone who transitioned along with a loving spouse who has had problems at times dealing with this, I know exactly how you feel. My spouse, Marni, writes a blog, http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/ and she has written it for other spouses. Aside from encouraging her to join Laura's, you may want to direct her to Marni's blog.

Stick around! We have refreshments

xoxo

Tasha

[Guest Szenzie]

Welcome Eliza! I've only been here for just over a week and I can't tell you how wonderful this community has been especially in regards to being able to relate to my spouse. Escapism... that's a road I've traveled one too many times as well.

I baked you some cookies to go with the refreshments - hope you like 'em If not, I'll gladly eat them =P

[Cyndee]

Welcome Eliza and enjoyed reading your intro post. I am also married (26 + years) MTF here, who has managed to live a far more genuine life being open with my family, they are transitioning with me. I hope you enjoy yourself here Eliza.

Good luck hon....

Cynthia

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Eliza and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

It sounds like you are on track with things and it is great that you have a supportive spouse. That can be a great help with the whole thing. My spouse had been wonderful with her support.

As far as being a OTR trucker we actually have a couple other members here who are transitioning on the job and have had very good results. I am sure they will help you out.

If you have not done so already, we do ask that you look at the terms and conditions to see how we operate on the forums.

Mia

[Guest eliza.d]

absolutely, read it before i posted. wifey loves me. i was a regretfully awful husband, i know i will be a much better wife. thru 33 years of self destructive behavior all i had to give to anyone was ill i could give to myself....misery. now i have all my goodness , love, and all of me to give. yeeeeaah! it would be great to hear some advice from some of the other truckers. i need some insight on how to transition out here, and how to keep from getting killed in the process. my bravery could prove detrimental.

yikes!

Eliza D

[Guest Stormrider2112]

Welcome aboard!

[Guest eliza.d]

heres another pic, same outfit, hair back, different makeup. better 5oclock cover, bedroom eyes.

gosh i need a nose job and some facial lypo. lol!

hope you like it.

Eliza D

[Guest Kael147]

Hi Eliza,

Welcome to Laura's. I've only been here a short while myself, but I have come to depend on this place and generally am in here every day. I'm FTM, but your introduction resonated with me. I am always amazed by the courage people have had to come out in the face of possible adversity. I knew I would have a supportive wife, she is a sex health educator and lgbt rights activist, so I wasn't affraid to tell her. I thought she may not want to be with a man, but she loves me and wants to be with me.

I'm super lucky to have had so much support. The work environment is my last big hurdle. I have to tell the folks at my Church too, but they will accept me with open arms I'm certain. I've already told my Minister. Anyway - I don't wanna go on about me, I just want to welcome you to these forums and while I don't bake or make coffee, I do offer unsolicited advice and generally try to relate each person's story to my own.

Best,

Kael

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Eliza, I want to welcome you to our cyber-community and hope that we will be of genuine

help to you in the coming months and even years. My only advice at this point is to suggest

that you stop thinking of yourself as an "awful husband" when, in fact, it probably took you

more courage than anyone can ever know to present yourself as a male in the world of

family, friends, and work. Don't beat yourself up and give thanks that, like me, you are so

fortunate as to have your wife in your corner.

That being said I can only suggest that you use the same feminine compassion toward your

wife as you can given that presumably she did not know what she was buying when she said

"I do." I know mine sure didn't. We need to give them lots of leeway and, if you love her as

much as you seem to love her, move forward into transition at a pace that considers her

feelings as much as yours. If she opts out the game changes, but right now you are ...

like me ... blessed and cursed that your wife loves you enough to stand by your side in what

is an excruciatingly difficult time.

I wish I could say it is a pleasant, planned out road. Sometimes we forget that our wives or

husbands are also products of their DNA and environments just as we are. Every once in

awhile I have to take a step back and let her catch up. After all, it is hard thing we are

asking of a woman (or man) who put her trust in us for a lifelong commitment to a "normal"

marriage.

I wish you all of the success you dream of during your transition and simply hope you will

never forget how her love for you made this first step possible.

Always, Janice Lynn

[Guest eliza.d]

thanks kael, and janice lynn. my wife is most staunch advocate. other than everyone here at the forum, my psych, and my doc, shes the only one on my side. if it were not for our sincere love, devotion, and trust for one another, i would most likely still be living in agony in my previous existince of zombie like self deception. i was always very adept at pretending to be something other than myself for the last 33 years. so much so, no one, and i mean no one ever saw this coming. my wife was shocked at first, but all the little clues fell into place and made sense once she saw the big picture. i was always ready to go out for some retail therapy and help her pick out outfits and fabulous accessories. i am a very generous person, and never told her no to anything she wanted. fortunately for our finances, she is very frugal. you wouldnt know it if you saw her, sh is always dressed to kill, and looking like a million bucks. i am very, very, very blessed. also, i was always the snuggler and always took up the femme position in that. not to mention we have seen nearly every romantic-comedy...... what is it guys call them...uh, oh yeah "chick flicks". lol! theres a lot more, but you get the gist. i tend to be a bit tangentially long winded. she is my soulmate, the love of my life, and my best friend. she is my world. we have been doing a lot better now that the reL me is alive and well for the first time in the 12 years weve been together. she sees that it is now possible for me to give all of myself, all my love, goodness, and responsibility to her. whereas before all i had to give her....myself or anyone, was misery.

i know this isnt the religious section, but it is pertinent to add a thought at this point. we both believ that god brought us together for a reason. he knew us both before we were born. he knew me even when i chose to ignore who i really was. he knew what he was giving to my wife through me. this is the cornerstone for our position( my wife and i), to work through this together and come out together, and stronger within ourselves, and in our marriage....on the other side.

ok, sorry. i tend to expound with ease, especially when i am passionate about something.

thanks again for supporting me. hopefully, my babbling will help someone else too.

kael, it doesnt matter that you are ftm and i am mtf, we both understand each others pain, suffering, and experience. our quest for peace and happiness is one in the same.

hugs to all.

Eliza D

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Eliza,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest eliza.d]

thanks vanna, im having trouble registering for the chatroom support group from my droid smartphone. im currently on the road it it is all i have to stay connected.

thanks so much for the invite, ill be in there soon.

hugs to all, Eliza D

[Guest ricka]

Hi Sugar!! and a warm welcome to our loving family here at Laura's. You are so very blessed to have a soul-mate who loves and supports you, Hon! And we all salute and shout our blessings to her. Being a woman---ain't it just grand!!!!

Hugs, Miss Ricka

[Guest eliza.d]

being the woman that i am for the first time on this earth is the most fulfilling occurrence in my life. surpassed only by one thing.... the love i have for, and recieve from, my wife and also the lord.

we are all beautiful, my love and support i give to you all as you have given to me.

bless you,

Eliza

[Guest eliza.d]

being the woman that i am openly for the first time in my life is the most astonishingly amazing feeling. surpassed only by the love that i have for and recieve from my wife and the lord.

hugs,

Eliza

[Guest Eva.Angeli]

Hi (^-^),

I'm new here too and newly "out" [and, well lets say not as young as some too].

So glad that your wife is working with you! My wife, although she love "me" tons and tons said she wasn't a lesbian and, well, long story short, took the kids and ran (u_u) [still love her and can't blame her though].

Hope things go well, this seems to be a road full of loss, but, I am finding, it doesn't have to be lonely!

() merry christmass to you too sister,

Eve

[Guest eliza.d]

eva.angeli,

my wife said the same thing about not being a lesbian and not wanting to be married to a w man. she actually served me with divorce papers, once she began to notice flood incoming from my buried female soul, and realized where i was going with my journey. at first, she was supportive, but she thought i just wanted to be in touch with my feminine side and play dress up. it was much, much more than that.

your wife will quite possibly come back around, it may just take her some time to deal with this. even if she doesnt come back, dont lose yourself.

age? only matters with wine and cheese. we are all ages here and you are not alone.

we are here for you.

hugs,

Eliza D

[Guest Eva.Angeli]

wow… thank you,

Yeah, she seems to be gone (v_v). I even told her before we got married about how I wanted to “be a girl.” Apparently she thought it was something I had over come {due to my Manly strength (^o^) [laughing (^_~)] … no... tears after all (;_}

Well the kids won’t barely, hardly talk to me even on the phone, and …

Well anyways, nice to hear from you,

Love the “wine and cheese” line,

Thank you again’

<3,

Eva

[Guest eliza.d]

your welcome, sorry to hear that your kids wont talk to you either.

imho, they are being brainwashed by someone who cannot understand you, and refuses to try.

they will come around. just be patient. i know thats easier said than done, but you have to survive sister.

my family, other than my wife thank the lord, are a bunch of brainwashed torch bearing lunitics on a witch hunt to destroy my will to survive. i know it sounds extreme, but i tell you its the honest truth. my mom who left my dad and i in 1981 www ithout so much as a tear, has been calling my dad trying to help her get me committed to an asylum. she has cussed at me violently, hung up on me, and thrown her own diagnostics at me...im bi polar, ocd, a lunitic....those are some of the things she s said. actually, she has no training, and no qualitative skills in the area of psychology. if she did, she would understan my condition and help me instead of hurting me.

so its my wife, myself, and god against the world for now.

and all of my new family here, i know you all support me.

god bless you all. never let anyone tell you: you are not beautiful,

Eliza D

[Guest eliza.d]

hi everyone, sorry i have been away so long, a lot has been happening. some things, getting divorced, name change imminent... im waiting for the hearing, moving to philly, well middletown, de....cheaper and close enuff to philly. moving in with a sister/friend of mine. have discovered i am totally hetero. only guys for me......long story.

here is a before and after pic of me. pic taken recently, 65 days into hrt, im on day 73 now.

major dramatic changes, almost as fast as me, the bullet train.

hugs, Eliza

[JJ]

Wow-What a dramatic change! It must feel fantastic.

Some days I look in the mirror and can't believe it is true at last. Some days I can't quite believe the other was ever true . But then it really wasn't me so in a sense it wasn't true . Does that happen to you too?

May your coming year see more of those changes and find your new life everything you could hope or wish for it to be

Johnny