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Guest sadmummy

Only just found out

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Guest sadmummy

Hi everyone :unsure:

About 5 weeks ago i asked my son what he wanted for christmas and after some phrases of " dont know how to say this mum" my son told me that he wanted to be a girl. It was the last thing i expected, like a lot of people on here i knew there was something but thought that maybe one day he may of said he was gay. Please bear with me on this as i may jump from one thing to the other as it feels like we where told months ago but still trying to understand an take things on board properly . :unsure: I carried on the conversation with him (which can i say was on the way to the shop an in view of other people) and asked a lot of questions ie do you want to crossdress or are you bi etc. Once we got home he said i could tell his dad but he wasn't ready to speak to him yet. I think i stumbled through telling his dad like it was an un real situation as i think i was in shock. My husband is a youth worker so deals with children all the time and i know he found not being able to speak to his own son quite difficult. My son was relieved to have this out in the open and i think was pleased with my reaction, all i have ever wanted in life is for my family to be happy and have said that if we found out he was gay that it wouldn't matter to us. The following evening he asked could we talk again an finally he spoke to his dad, lots of questions and talking carried on until late. He says he has felt like this for 3-4 years now and my heart broke to think that he had gone through all this on his own,his first feeling however was about 7years ago.

Anyway i feel like because we accepted what he told us he is now running with it and we cant keep up. We have told all immediate family (who can i say have all been fantastically supportive of his decision) and have been to see our doctor who has referred us on. We have also gone through my wardrobe for him and he has taken some items as we said we where fine with him dressing at home if that's what he wants, he does not want to come out to school as he is afraid of their reaction so wants to wait. He has since looked at lots of clothes to buy plus wigs, breasts etc and asked family for female items.

I think what i'm trying to say is............ now it has sunk in a bit more i think i am in shock and finding it hard to cope ( not in front of my child) I am definitely feeling a loss for my son and dont feel like i know him anymore ( he only did boys things like rugby, football shooting games etc). He now wants to look at women's shoes, clothes etc. Please dont misread what i'm trying to say i love my child with all my heart and would do anything to make sure he's happy but i just cant stop crying which i think is more because we have never come across this before we have never even met anyone who has gone through it so dont know enough about it. He is very naive about things aswell which scares me.

Now i have come to the end of this i dont really know what i'm asking for help with?????????? My family are great and very supportive but i just dont feel like they understand how i'm feeling. I'm just feeling like a bomb has exploded and i dont know where to start to put the pieces back together.

Thanks for listening xx :blush:

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Guest chngnwnd

Thank you for posting this, it actually helps me to understand what my mother is going through a little better. I do not mena to offend, but I will be referring to your child as female in my post because for a mtf ts, as we understand the world, we are female - and have always been even when we were hiding it from the world. The only thing I can say is that your child is essentially the same person she always was, now she is just being honest with you. You may have lost, as far as appearances are concerned, the image of the son you had. You now have an opportunity to really know the daughter that you always had. The ability of your child to live with integrity and openly be herself around you actually will allow both of you to have a much richer relationship if you open yourself of to the possibilities. My mother is still grieving the loss of a son so my relationship with her is strained because I cannot be the person she wants me to be. However, my children have moved towards acceptance and it has enriched our relationship because I can show who I truly am and share real honesty with them.

It may take time, but you have done a lot of wonderful things for your child since you learned of her true self. I am inclined to think that you both will be ok soon enough.



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Guest Ann Onymous

No matter what age the child 'comes out' as transsexual, there IS a grieving process that the family goes through. The question is whether the family member ever reaches the acceptance stage. I watched it with my parents (they got clues when I was a teen and were not accepting at the time and then they got my transition in my early 20's, which was a few decades ago). It took a few years before there was a level of comfort that included both parents getting the name right even in my physical absence.

However, despite the acceptance level, I also know they still don't really grasp the 'why' of everything based on conversations we had involving the case of a friend who has been the subject of media coverage in two different trials in and around Houston (including one where I had gone to several court appearances and was therefore in the media photos taken between the courtroom and the elevators). You at least have the advantage of information being more readily available in the current day and age than it was back when I (and my parents) went through everything (pre-Internet).

It HAS to be understood by all that this is not easy for the parents. The reality is that even for those who KNOW early in life, we still had years of coming to terms with it on our own. It is only reasonable, therefore, that parents will take time to get a handle on things. The answers won't come overnight. The important thing is that the answers, in some form, do eventually come...they real question will be how long it takes to get through the stages of grief, and that will vary depending on the individual, no matter what their background might be. With the father being a counselor of sorts, it sounds as though you may have other resources that might not have existed for many families...I would encourage you to take full advantage of those resources.

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My heart goes out to you. In a very real way you have lost a child and must grieve for that a Ann said. You still have a child-and one you love and will love just the same but it is still the loss of all the images and beliefs and dreams.

You actually have a daughter now. In time you will be able to embrace that as well I'm sure.

I was one of the ones who knew very young and in the different age I lived in there was no possibility of acceptance or even understanding. I lived a life I am proud of, but every time I looked in the mirror I tried to find someone I knew or recognized and outside of my work as a social worker and later teacher as well, I never felt at ease in any social situation. I found ways to have joy and happiness in my life but always beneath there was a well of sadness and a feeling of being wrong and troubled. I was psychologically tested a few times-my university was well know for it's psychology department and routinely tested entering students back then for instance, and also when I went to work as a Children's Protective worker it was required. Every test, and every aptitude test as well, surprised the people who evaluated them. Although I was always deemed psychologically healthy and well adjusted I also scored completely in the male range. It was decades ago a psychologist first put into words what I knew-he said "It's like you have a male mind in a female body". So true. More than he knew because I never told a soul about my private inner life as a man. The concept of a transsexual female to male was just not on anybody's radar.

I paid a price in pain and misery as I struggled to be something I was was not and fit into a world and body that was innately foreign to me that I cannot describe or convey. Feeling fundamentally wrong somehow except when I was alone or fishing, hiking or doing my art. I married-a buddy and it didn't work out though I did have a beautiful daughter I raised alone from 8 months old.Your child is so very lucky that he (she is what we would normally say here) will have a much better life than that. Will be able to find his place in the world in a way we cannot until we live in our proler gender.

I don't know how much you know about the physical aspects of this. That it is a real physical difference in the gender structures of the brain and the physical sexual anatomy. A birth defect in essence . An accepted scientific fact though the research is relatively new (less than 5 years old-much is less than 2 ) it is growing all the time. Here is an Australian news source-not a trans support site but a news site- which has the studies listed and it may help you to know the science behind this. I know it helps me come to terms with it http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

From here I would recommend that you seek out a gender therapist-and it is vital that it be a gender therapist. Most therapists have little or no training in this field and are not only unaware of the newest research but can misdiagnose the symptoms caused by gender issues as conditions your child doesn't actually have and even do real harm. At best it can be a waste of time and money. A gender therapist isn't there to fix anything but to guide your child and family through this to what is best for your child.

And we will also be here to listen and understand. We won't condemn you for your feelings. Maybe we can help you understand a little and there is a small community of other parents here who can share their experiences with you as well.

You aren't alone. And though you are sad now and understandably grieving it will get better.

Thank you for being a great parent for your child! For accepting what is well neigh unacceptable. You will make all the difference in your child's life! The statistics about those of us who don't make it are appalling-and terrifying being among the highest if not the highest of any group. Having parents who are supportive can be the factor that now only makes life better for your child but literally saves his life


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Guest twinstar4

Dear Sadmummy,

Welcome to LP. There are good people here who can help you get through this. (such as those who already replied with such helpful information for you).

You are feeling exactly what parents feel when this happens. We do feel loss and grief for the child that we thought we had. We feel fear for their future which is going to be quite a bit different than we ever imagined it would be. We also fear the reactions of our friends and family when we get up the courage to tell them.

It is OK to feel sad, scared and it is OK to cry. That's what we have to do. It is part of the process. I can tell you for sure that it does get better.

The most important thing is that your child trusted you enough to tell you about this and you are fabulous parents for loving and accepting her unconditionally. You have done a good job in parenting for it to turn out this way. Unfortunately so many kids who are TG are too afraid to tell for fear of rejection. Parents have to open their minds and learn about the TG issue. But you can pat yourself on the back for raising a kid who is so secure in your love for her that she could tell you.

You can be real here and say how terrible you are feeling. Believe me most of the parents here have felt the same way. It is not easy but believe me we are the lucky ones because our kids had the courage to tell us and we had the courage to face it, learn about it and embrace our child, because we love our child, no matter what their gender is.

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Guest Mia J

The first thing I would like to do is thank you and your husband for being such wonderful parents. We often see horror stories here when children try to tell their parents. Obviously you have always had an open relationship with your child. This will make things so much better for all of you in the long run.

Of course you are grieving and are sad. That is perfectly normal. There are many members here who are ready to give you and your family any support we can.


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Guest Zelco

Our daughter told us about 10 months ago. She still presents as a boy all the time although she wears many girl clothes and makeup but in an androgynous fashion. Right now she is a gay male to everyone except closest friends, her father and I. So, we have had a lot of time for the reality to sink in without having to make changes quickly (I think that this summer between college and high school will be transition time.) The point I am trying to make is that even now, sometimes I feel sad. And I do not feel like I am losing a son because she has alway done a wide range of activities from both genders and I am guessing that will not change. But I think a big part of it is that I am worried about the unfair prejudice she may face in the future for what is essentially a birth defect. I don't foresee any problems within our families and friends - it's the people I don't know that I am afraid of. That being said. Laura's Playground is a great place to visit. The people here are nice, caring, and helpful; they make it possible for me to see a happy future for my daughter. We recently found out that friends of ours have the same situation with their child and it certainly helps knowing other people who are going through the same thing.


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Guest sadmummy

Bobby,Ann,Johnny,Twinstar4,Mia,Zelco...................WOW Thankyou :friends:

You have all made me cry again but its fantastic to talk to people who understand and also who do not judge.

I asked my son if he would like us to refer to him as 'her' etc but at the moment he is feeling a little uncomfortable so is not ready for this which is why i still refer to him as male its not that i'm being dis respectable towards anyone.

He appears to be feeling mine and my husbands awkwardness i think, not that he says we have done anything to make him feel like this but that we just seem to change somehow. I have explained that we dont mean anything by it, we are just not used to seeing him dressed in female clothes or maybe i haven't been as good at hiding my feelings as i thought i had. I dont think its helping that he is wearing my clothes around the house (ie he knows they are mine as much as i do) so we are going to buy him some of his own this week.

I also think the time of year does not help as i now am not sure what to buy for christmas, if i'm honest I'M not ready or know where to begin to buy female things but dont want to buy male things and for him to be disappointed with what i've bought. I just want him to be happy but want to make sure i am doing things the way they need to be done for him :dunno: .

We have just had his parents evening with school and again as every other year he is doing great and is looking at B+C grades for all of his lessons so i'm very pleased that it hasn't affected his schooling. My child has always and will always be a credit to myself and my husband and we love him dearly and will do whatever he needs from us i think it is just its going to take time to come to terms with it.

It is lovely to speak with people who understand how we are feeling cause as much as our families are there for us i dont feel like they understand, so i would like to thank you all for your support and your lovely comments oh and just for listening to me ramble :P

Thanks again

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Guest Frank67

Hi and welcome to LP,

good to see that there are more and more accepting parents.

Just a little tip for the christmas gifts. What about little things like rings, earrings, collar or a little makeup bag. Or invite your daughter to a shopping tour, tell her she can buy some things she would like to have. If she is to shy to choose something cuz others are around she can say it is for a friend, female cousin or for her sister, just as an excuse. After this you know what she likes and you can buy some extras on your own.


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Guest 66Cassie


I would guess that most if not all parents have felt a degree of loss in this process. I know I always felt so confident that I totally allowed my children to be who they needed to be without placing my expectations on them. I am embarassed for that smug mother that I now know I was; it has been humbling to recognize that I had expectations based on having a daughter. It has been a blessing to realize that there are aspects to who Charlie is that I had no idea existed. Getting to know Charlie as his true self has been, and continues to be, a tremendous gift. At first, I thought I was losing someone very important to me. Instead I find that I'm becoming reacquainted with the joyful person Charlie was before adolescence. Oddly enough, he reminds me a lot of my dad, more every day. They both have a goofy sense of humor and an undeniable charm.

I would not have believed these feelings could exist a few months ago when he first told me. I was so shocked because I thought I had a lesbian daughter. When I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner, he said he didn't want to put anymore stress on me. At first he said he didn't care if we called him Charlie or his birth name. Then he started keeping a checklist for everytime his brother or I used his old name or female pronouns. It was supposed to be a quarter everytime, like a swear jar. I got really P.O'd because I told him I was trying really hard and I didn't appreciate the snarky little check marks. So he stopped, hint taken.

What's my point here, you wonder??? It's been a roller coaster ride, full of highs and lows. I think you're doing pretty good. Shall we give ourselves a little pat on the back for being good moms in challenging circumstances? I think yes. :goodjob:


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Guest sadmummy

Frank thank you for your brilliant suggestions, my sister actually took him shopping yesterday and they pretended they where looking for his girlfriend. He managed to get a couple of outfits to wear and was excited to try them on at home, :thumbsup:

Cassie................... thankyou for your support, it's lovely to talk to another parent who understands :ThanxSmiley:

We received his referral letter today (which was a bit scary for me if i'm honest), so hopefully some time in the new year we will get some professional help. My child was very excited to hear this bless him.

I'm very pleased to have found this site because i was feeling very guilty about the way i felt towards my child but you have all assured me that my reaction has been the same as most people, i just need to trust myself to keep listening to my child but remember to acknowledge my husbands and my own feelings.

One day at a time for now i think :thumbsup:

Thanks again xx

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Guest Mittens_kittens

Just wanted to say Hi and let you know that I'm going through much of the same things as you are right now. I find myself wandering through the boys' department of stores looking for things for my new son for Christmas with tears in my eyes. I am very supportive to him, but I am going through quite a time emotionally. There hasn't been a day in the past six months that I haven't cried about losing my daughter. I know I'm not really losing my child, just the daughter part, but that's still a hard thought for me.

I'm happy that you were able to share with family members; that's still something we are hesitant to do. I don't want anyone thinking any less of him, or treating him negatively, but keeping it a secret is becoming quite difficult. This site has been a godsend by allowing me to share my thoughts and fears. I know it will be for you too.

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Guest Lacey Lynne


Let's see, are you in The United Kingdom of Great Brittain? I believe so by the flag in your information block. Well, then, I believe you can buy THIS book.


Knowledge is power ... when rightly used. Many transsexuals and their families have, and still DO, use this book to explain the whole situation to people, because it's THE book at explaining our condition in terms people will understand, and the information is accurate and clear.

You rock, Mummy! Love is all you need ... yeah, yeah, yeah. You daughter is lucky to have YOU as her parent!

Happy Holidays :friends: Lacey Lynne

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Guest Krisina

Hi Sadmummy

The book that Lacey was referring to True Selves is available from the Amazon UK website.

It is a very good book. The paperback version is the cheapest. There is a kindle version but you can't really share it with others. You might want to check your local library for it too.

It must be hard to take in not knowing what the future will be for your ftm son. You want the best for your child, to be happy, safe, not picked on for being different. It's uncharted territory. It's happening to fast and you probably still want more time with the daughter you love and know. You want things to slow down. Your grieving a loss of the familiar. It is a loss of sorts and your feelings are valid. One thing I would really like to say to you is Thank You. Thank you for being supportive and loving and caring of your child. For accepting and listening to your child. For not brushing off or putting aside your child's feelings. There are many kids and adults with family members and friends for a variety of reasons are rejected and abandoned. For what? For taking the courage in the face of fear to open up and coming out and telling others a bit about themselves and their struggles, their confusion, sometimes shame, denial, fear. They open up. More than anything, they need to know that they will still be loved, they are still important, wanted and loved ones will stand up for them in their defense of others uneducated about incongruent gender identity. They may come across as odd looking dressing up, starting off, stumbling. But they are a person who is worthy of love and acceptance, of a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes just listening can be so powerful too. Pronouns too. Some parents and friends refuse to use the pronouns asked of the transgender person. It really hurts when someone doesn't try. The suicide rates for transgender individuals is higher than the regular public and even that of gay kids too. They need support.

I just wanted to say, thanks again for being a parent trying your best. You don't have to get it all right, just trying your best is good enough. You have a lucky kid, with a bright future ahead.


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Guest sadmummy

Mittens_kittens.......... Thats exactly how i'm feeling too, grieving the loss of my son even though i know i am gaining a daughter its just really hard. Sending you hugs. As for family i think i just knew that those who didn't understand i would remove from our lives as necessary as my fierce protectiveness kicked in when i realised how unhappy my child has been. I was amazed with my family's reaction but also know that some who do not know yet may be problem :thumbdown: Please if i can help you in any way let me know x

Lacey lynne ...... Thank you i will be getting that book as i agree anything that helps is worth having x :ThanxSmiley:

Krisina .................... Thank you, yes i found myself wanting to slow things down but then felt guilty for preventing my child for wanting to move forward for themselves.

Had a good talk again to my child yesterday and made sure that they understood how much we love them unconditionally regardless of the decisions they make. This is all i have ever wished for my family that they are happy so whatever it takes for this to happen is fine with me, just need to remember i'm entitled to feel the way i do and to not beat myself up about it. My children make me very proud every day and this will not change just because of the clothes they are wearing....FACT :agreed:

Thank you for all your support i dont know how i would manage without you all xxxxx :goodjob::ThanxSmiley:

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True Selves is a great book for helping understand our situation but is outdated in the science and research department. Doesn't take anything away from the book but if you are telling people the latest findings and then they read in the book something different it can be confusing so I usually explain that the research being done now was not possible when the book was published because the imaging techniques that make the research possible had not been invented yet.

A minor point for most people but I do think it helps people accept when they realize this is in reality a birth defect and being physical isn't a choice so it can't be ignored or wished away.

Your child is just so lucky to have you!


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Guest meridian

Mummy (soon you won't be sad), I second all the good words of the people who have responded to your post. I'll just add that I am here, too, as a parent of a transgender daughter. A few years ago I went through all you are going through--including the times when it all seems easy followed by the times when it all seems impossibly hard. You'll eventually get used to shopping for "girl things" for your daughter. It took me a while, but now I enjoy it. In fact, I really love having a daughter--and I love HER, for who she is. I wish you and all your family a very happy new year!



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Guest Kat C.


I can totally relate to your feeling that your child is running with it now that you know. I've known about my child for about 5 months and at times I can't keep up with what's going on. I thought I had a lesbian daughter but apparently I have a gay son? I'm not even sure anymore and I'm not sure he knows either.

I'm not at the " it'll get better stage" so I'm not going to say that, even though I hear that eventually I will be there. Right now I am mourning in a major way and although I feel like I've accepted this, after spending 3 weeks with my child home from college, I have more doubts about whether this is right for him or not. He's anxious to begin taking testosterone and I am nowhere near ready for that. He hasn't really fully lived as a boy yet- especially living on a girl's floor in the dorm.

We have told family with mixed reviews. Everyone appears to be accepting but for the most part, it's just appearance. I have had many instances of the fiercely protective mommy feelings that you mentioned and despite how miserable this is making me right now, I have no problem beating up anyone who hurts my baby.

My advice is to read, read, read and feel what you have to feel. Talk to people about it, if you have someone. And hang in there!

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Guest dorjaq

Why is this so HARD? If my MtF daughter had been in a tragic accident and looked totally different afterward, we would stand up and yell to the world, "This is me now - I am strong and I will be in your school/church/store looking like this forever!" and we would get LOTS of support from the community. But alas, transgender isn't a 'tragic accident', it's a process.

I cry every day, too, "lovingmummy", and sometimes I think it's because I failed as a parent to recognize the most basic thing about my own child - her gender. I cry because I'm frozen - my daughter is a minor, so I'm the engineer on the runaway train - am I doing the right thing by letting her dress as she wants? Will I choose the right GT for my child? What if she starts hormones and then changes her mind? The longer I don't do anything, the longer she is miserable, and the longer I stay anxiety ridden. I resolve to get control of myself and do what loving moms do - they figure out what is best for their children, and they do it - even if it's uncomfortable, scary, and difficult. 2012 will be a year of many changes, please let me lead my child safely out of the (s)hell she lives in to a comfortable, happy, loving place in this world.

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Bless you for facing the pain instead of retreating into denial. This is the hardest and most painful stage for parents from what I have seen. But your acceptance and continuing love can make all the difference.

You ask if you are right letting her dress and act as her true self? Look at the statistics on what happens to children who are denied that acceptance and support. Anything is better than what too often happens then. Because the stats are very, very grim. One therapist states she routinely asks parents who come to her if they would prefer to have a trans child living as their true gender or a dead child and says that after that it's easier for many to accept because that often IS the choice.I know it sounds harsh and dramatic but it is still the truth.

In time it will be better. And easier. The future for your child is also brighter than it may seem now. I have been amazed at the acceptance I have found in this most conservative area. And at the acceptance I read about here. Times are changing and they will change more as the scientific realities of this birth defect we have are more widely known. The old stereotypes are dying and new laws are being passed constantly diving us a new acceptance and protection. Life can be good and rich and fulfilling for your daughter. The proof is here in the success stories we see all the time. Though often as people complete transition they slip into normal lives as everyday people and no longer come here for support. They just live rewarding lives.

I understand why you blame yourself for failing to recognize but in truth how could you? Unless you have known a transgender person and knew the possibilities how could you possibly know? It is just so rare that it isn't even on the radar. You know now and are doing the right thing now. And it will be the right thing because your words show you are committed to that.

There will be joys and better times ahead.


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Guest Mittens_kittens

Johnny, thank you so much for your wise, kind advice for us parents. I've read many of your posts throughout this site, and you always have such insightful comments and help.

I feel for all the parents on here, as I am also a mother struggling with my new son's changes. The grief is overwhelming at times, but I am determined to help him through this. I can't stress enough how getting counseling for myself has helped. My child needs for me to be okay.

I would love to visit with other parents who are fairly new with all this. Our town is fairly small, so there is not a PFLAG group or anything like it around. It's a very lonely place to be; trying to be supportive while struggling to accept and learn about something that I never dreamed would be a part of our family's life. If anyone would like to message me and visit more, please do. I also plan to be on the Parent Chat this Thursday evening.

Take care,


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Guest sadmummy

I'm bowled over by the amount of support that i have received from my original post and would like to say a huge Thankyou to you all so THANKYOU.

I think aswell i have found it helpful that my replies have not just been from parents in the same situation but also people who are going through this journey themselves. You all made me realise that how i was feeling was completely natural and that i should'nt feel strange for having those feelings.

Here's where we are up too..........

I found a local group that are available to help and to be honest dont know how i would of managed without it. They also informed me of a group for my child that helps LGBT from the ages of 14 - 18 years. He now joins this group every Thursday evening and can be completely at ease with everything. He has even come out to the group but has not made the step of changing his clothes yet.

I know i keep referring to my child as he but that is because he has not come out to the world yet (only family) so because the main part of his life is as a boy this is how we refer to him.

This group has been exactly what was needed as he didnt have anyone outside of the family that he felt he could tell. He desperately wants to come out to school and friends but we are all scared as we have not heard of a child coming out at school and are un sure of their reaction. As time goes on though his urge to tell friends/school is getting stronger.

We recently went to his 1st appointment for child and family but came away quite disheartened as they are only there if we want them for support but they have referred us to a gender clinic in London (which is about 2 1/2 hours away by train). We are now feeling like we are in limbo again aarrgghh.

It has also come about that my husband and i are not coping with things aswell as we both thought we where. Cant really tell you anymore than that.......... just that we both know that we are arguing a lot and do not seem as close as normal. It's now affecting my husbands 2 jobs and he is considering coming out of work. He is a postman by day and a youth worker of an evening, he has phoned in sick for his youth work job for the last week or so cause he is struggling to help other children when he feels he's not helping his own. The relationship my husband and son had was very rough and tumble and involved a lot of play fighting and i feel that my husband now does not know what his role is towards our son. Whilst my son seems ok with things i know my husband is not. Feeling a bit like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment with it all.

Trying to help my child deal with female things ( which i dont always want to do) whilst also supporting my husband and my 2 year old i think i am getting swamped and dont seem to be able to stop crying. Have made a doctors appointment for myself and my husband as we are obviously not coping at all.

So some positive steps but some not so positive.

Anyway Thanks for listening x

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This has been an enormous stress for all of you. Because you must make the decisions and you accept the responsibility for the consequences, more for you and your husband than your child at this point.

We as parents sometimes forget that we have to take care of our own needs and give ourselves a break from the problems and the responsibilities. Just de-stress. As trans people we sometimes forget that those in our lives desperately need that or they can be overwhelmed by all of this.

My advise is to meet your own emotional needs in this too. You are losing a son in a very real way. Yet are caught in a limbo now where people won't understand if you grieve, yet grief there must be. Where you can't embrace a future that you can't really see yet. It is a hard place to be. You deserve so much praise for facing and going through it but you also need both time to grieve, and rage even, against it all as well as time away from it. Perhaps you and your husband can arrange a time away just to be a couple and not talk about children or gender? An evening if not a weekend. It is so important not to make this the center of your life. It is an aspect. A big one, but can't become what your life is about. That's unhealthy for you and for your child.

Concentrate on all those things in life that aren't about gender identity. A walk on a fine day. A favorite book or program. Joking together. Anything fun or enjoyable.

I know that can be hard but it can be done and will renew your strength and put things in much better perspective.

Here is a site with articles written by a transwoman gender therapist. Much of it is written for trans people but the issues are relevant and some does address the issues and feelings that parents of trans children face. Many find this site very helpful. It's rare to find a gender therapist site like this-especially one by a transwoman. Hopefully it will be of some help. http://www.firelily....na/dilemma.html

You will work through this. It takes time. And it sounds like so far you are doing a great job. Just be sure to take care of your needs in order to be able to go on meeting the needs of others. It was something I learned was an absolute necessity when I was a Children's Protective Services social worker. The parents who often ran into real problems were the ones who cared so much they never took time for themselves till they burned out-and sometimes broke down rather than those who didn't care.

My admiration and best wishes to you and your family


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Guest Heron

"I think what i'm trying to say is............ now it has sunk in a bit more i think i am in shock and finding it hard to cope ( not in front of my child)"

Wow, that's exactly where I am today. And I can't believe we only found out five days ago.....feels like months!

Thank you for sharing this initial post. I haven't even read the others but am excited for your journey.....you obviously are a great parent and your child is lucky to have you!

Blue Heron

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Guest BassBone

Hi Sadmummy,

I too just discovered that I have a FTM son and it has definitely been a roller coaster ride. But it does get better. I just went on my first ever father son outing with my new son and it will be a memory that I cherish forever. Stick around here, because these folks really do care. They have really helped to turn the corner and be able to embrace my son as my son.

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