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Guest Janice Lynn

Cogiati 290 .... Uh, oh .... :-)

9 posts in this topic

My wife and I have had a major breakthrough in our relationship and finally, after

40+ years, she has come to accept and begun adapting to my struggle with the

issue of gender for ... honest to God, 60 of my 65 years. I've posted elsewhere as

to how this brought us more closely together than we have been in years, but the

point is that we are now at a point where we are both working to find ways of making

things work for BOTH of us.

My Gogiati test came out a whopping, convincing 290 even with me compensating

for a bunch of what seemed to be loaded questions. If anything it would have been

higher had I not tried to minimize things a bit. Everything I've read suggests this

situation will not improve with age, so we are working hard to find mutually beneficial

ways enjoy life together. Even in the best of worlds it is hard to explain how Grandpa

became Grandma Jan without a fair amount of explanation. More seriously, we are

looking for ways for us to express the transition from male/female to female/female

in ways that move beyond the house and home.

All of this may seem silly and sound like a girl looking for a silver bullet, but I am trying

to find ways to become more comfortable being me without pushing my loving wife

beyond the limits of what is fair. I know ... believe me ... there are no silver bullets out

there that make it all better, but I would really like some suggestions as to how us older

girls can enjoy our femininity beyond the white picket fence.

Both of us are physically active and aren't about to play pinochle at the Senior Citizen

Center. We own a thriving business and are involved in the community. I really don't

have plans to retire because I enjoy the activity of a manufacturing business and the

work and pleasure of a family farm.

Any ideas are welcome!

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.,

First off, Hon........

Please don't put too much stock in the COGIATI test......

It's really more fun than it is a diagnoses tool.....

I took it twice....First time I saw what kind of answers that got me to the "female" side....then I took it again...

It can be very much manipulated.....

As far as your age.....Well, I'm 62 and my partner is 64.....we're both quite active and we live as ourselves full time.....

Age is just a number.......I know people that are "old" at 38........

Hang in there!

Huggs

Dee Jay

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Aw, I didn't think of the Cogiati test as a litmus test. In some ways it seems quite superficial

and relies on our presumption of this being male and that being female. If anything our

awareness of the gender spectrum should make those stereotypes less important to us.

Your observations about age are well taken. We have an active lifestyle and do things

that even our children think are remarkable, like horseback riding together, taking our

3 dogs on runs with our ATVs, caring for (lets see) sheep, goats, chickens, ducks, and

horses, and doing all the ranch chores ourselves unless neither of us has the talent.

Thanks for your thoughts ....

Jan

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Hi Janice Lynn,

Thanks for sharing. I've enjoyed reading your posts.

I am glad to read how you and your wife have been able to discuss this together and are sincerely looking for ways to more fully share in life, ways which are beneficial to each/both of you! It sounds like you have so much in common with one another and truly enjoy spending time together!

I am working on transitioning ftm. My husband and I plan to eventually divorce. We are separated, yet see one another almost daily, beyond our business affiliation with one another. We visit about life, each of our experiences, our challenges, always encouraging one another, etc. We are best friends! We still enjoy spending so much time together! We speak the same language and fully and quicky understand one another. (I have more difficulty communicating with many women. It just takes me longer to fully understand what many women are saying, although I am devoted to gaining as much understanding as possible.)

It would be nice if, somehow, my husband and I could keep our marriage intact, yet we each know we are each strongly attracted to females... and may each decide to marry again. Time will tell. We are truly best friends, in our case, as "buddies," too. This has been the case for a very long time now.

We have decided to remain business partners and are setting up that partnership legally, as any legal protections extended to each of us via marital laws will dissolve. We are good business partners and have major plans to continue on expanding our business venture. We still enjoy our similar interests and attend (together) some of the social events that interest both of us.

It has taken us time to sort out how to best continue enjoying one another, despite the fact that we each feel it is in each of our best interests to ultimately divorce. We each recognize the need for each of us to be free to enter into a romantic relationship if/when we are each ready to do so. We hold a lot of love and respect for one another. I feel so very fortunate we find a way to continue to work together, continue socializing together, helping one another through life challenges... even though we are headed for divorce court.

Best wishes to you and to your wife!

May all be worked out with mutual love and respect as time progresses.

Brad

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Hi Jan,

I transitioned ever so slowly, nearly three years. Partly that was my own doing - not being certain - but much of it had to do with my wife's state of mind and how to help her through too.

For we transwomen, it's simple: we've always been female in a female-female relationship. The transition doesn't seem to make much difference. But your spouse has not seen that same thing: what was underneath wasn't apparent and she has been in a male-female relationship. It can take her a long time to make that transition, going from a male partner to a female one. After three years, my wife still mourns the loss of the man, even as much as I don't feel like he's gone - in so many ways I'm still the same person just in a new package. And of course, my take is that he was never there to begin with!

I have made an exercise of trying to see things from others point of view. It has made me more careful and less hasty about what I do. We talk frequently about my wife's transition here. It's perhaps a more difficult one than ours - and certainly something she never saw coming. We're keeping our life together, but it's taking concessions and adjustments along the way.

I wish you well! No silver bullets though - patience and persistance are the keys.

Love, Megan

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.,

First off, Hon........

Please don't put too much stock in the COGIATI test......

It's really more fun than it is a diagnoses tool.....

I took it twice....First time I saw what kind of answers that got me to the "female" side....then I took it again...

It can be very much manipulated.....

As far as your age.....Well, I'm 62 and my partner is 64.....we're both quite active and we live as ourselves full time.....

Age is just a number.......I know people that are "old" at 38........

Hang in there!

Huggs

Dee Jay

Dee Jay, I couldn't agree with you more. Owning and operating both a working ranch and

running another business as well, we are both physically and mentally more active than most

people in their 30s and 40s.

My daughter ran into our next door neighbors from 17 years ago at a concert. I loved her e-mail

to us: "Saw the ( ). Sandra was sweet. Phil was addled. You both have aged about half of

what they have."

We sure don't feel our chronological age, especially now that we've reached an understanding

about how we are going to approach the future as Jan and ( ). We both seem to have more

energy, especially on my side of things, as I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from

my shoulders and I can live so much of my life as Jan.

I know much of the reason why it is now working for us is that me being a woman, or claiming to

be, is not a new thing. We dealt with at different times over the past 30+ years. Previously I

believe she thought it to be a kind of fetish dealing with clothing. Now she understands and

accepts that it much, much more than a fetish. She now understands after letting her choose

a GT and being totally honest in our sessions, the GT totally agrees with me and wrote a very

supportive letter for me to bring to my GP or anyone else (ex. endocrinologist).

Thanks for your support, Dee Jay. I really appreciate getting the thoughts of those who are

further down the road than I am in this process.

Love ya, Jan

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Hi Jan,

I transitioned ever so slowly, nearly three years. Partly that was my own doing - not being certain - but much of it had to do with my wife's state of mind and how to help her through too.

For we transwomen, it's simple: we've always been female in a female-female relationship. The transition doesn't seem to make much difference. But your spouse has not seen that same thing: what was underneath wasn't apparent and she has been in a male-female relationship. It can take her a long time to make that transition, going from a male partner to a female one. After three years, my wife still mourns the loss of the man, even as much as I don't feel like he's gone - in so many ways I'm still the same person just in a new package. And of course, my take is that he was never there to begin with!

I have made an exercise of trying to see things from others point of view. It has made me more careful and less hasty about what I do. We talk frequently about my wife's transition here. It's perhaps a more difficult one than ours - and certainly something she never saw coming. We're keeping our life together, but it's taking concessions and adjustments along the way.

I wish you well! No silver bullets though - patience and persistance are the keys.

Love, Megan

Megan, I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement so much. You have explained things

very fairly, particularly about the fact that my wife is now transitioning as well and the need

to do so was not her choice, but the result of me being unable to carry the burden alone

any longer.

This being the case I am committed to letting her set the pace of our mutual transition. I

have made this clear to her and she appreciates the fact that, though she is now in transition,

she has not lost control of the situation and will not need to be afraid of a one-sided decision

on my part that might push her further than she can go at the time. It is a matter of mutual

trust and respect for one another after 43 years of marriage and almost 46 years as a

couple.

As for the moment, we are both having fun now that something in my mind has seemed to

have triggered and I find myself expressing myself naturally as a woman without even

thinking about it. This has been so much the case that she suspects that I may be intersexed

because she has noticed it and pointed it out when I was unaware of what I was doing or saying

at the time. I have no idea that this is or isn't the case. Right now what matters is that the

entire marriage is actually better and stronger now than it has been in years.

Go figure.

Love ya, Jan

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Hi Janice Lynn,

Thanks for sharing. I've enjoyed reading your posts.

I am glad to read how you and your wife have been able to discuss this together and are sincerely looking for ways to more fully share in life, ways which are beneficial to each/both of you! It sounds like you have so much in common with one another and truly enjoy spending time together!

I am working on transitioning ftm. My husband and I plan to eventually divorce. We are separated, yet see one another almost daily, beyond our business affiliation with one another. We visit about life, each of our experiences, our challenges, always encouraging one another, etc. We are best friends! We still enjoy spending so much time together! We speak the same language and fully and quicky understand one another. (I have more difficulty communicating with many women. It just takes me longer to fully understand what many women are saying, although I am devoted to gaining as much understanding as possible.)

It would be nice if, somehow, my husband and I could keep our marriage intact, yet we each know we are each strongly attracted to females... and may each decide to marry again. Time will tell. We are truly best friends, in our case, as "buddies," too. This has been the case for a very long time now.

We have decided to remain business partners and are setting up that partnership legally, as any legal protections extended to each of us via marital laws will dissolve. We are good business partners and have major plans to continue on expanding our business venture. We still enjoy our similar interests and attend (together) some of the social events that interest both of us.

It has taken us time to sort out how to best continue enjoying one another, despite the fact that we each feel it is in each of our best interests to ultimately divorce. We each recognize the need for each of us to be free to enter into a romantic relationship if/when we are each ready to do so. We hold a lot of love and respect for one another. I feel so very fortunate we find a way to continue to work together, continue socializing together, helping one another through life challenges... even though we are headed for divorce court.

Best wishes to you and to your wife!

May all be worked out with mutual love and respect as time progresses.

Brad

Brad, thank you so much for the kind thoughts and words of encouragement. As my

posts today on this thread, we are having a rather exciting and enjoyable time dis-

covering how all of this will work knowing we are both committed to keeping the

marriage intact. That doesn't mean there won't be difficult moments or times down

the road. It simply means that we both believe we are intended to always be together.

That is how it is for us.

That is not to say it should be or can the same for others, nor is it for us to judge one

other for taking a different path. A lot of reasons came into play in reaching this

decision and I know the same is true for every couple that suddenly has this gender

issue come to the surface. It sounds like you guys have a tremendous relationship

and have already sat down calmly and made mutual decisions for different reasons

than ours.

In your case the matter of you both being attracted to women puts a whole different

spin or perspective on the future and it appears you've both handled it wonderfully;

enough so to keep working together in the business you created together. That is

fantastic! I believe we both have been especially fortunate to have such a close

relationship with someone we truly love.

Thanks again for your kind words and gracious thoughts. Stay in touch!

Love ya, Jan

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I really wish they would just take the Cogiati off of the web. In my opinion the darn thing has a high possibility to set people up for either a lot of pain or failure. So they take that test, it says they're a TS and then they run off scared and self medicate because of some erroneous BS? That's just not right to have it publicly accessible imho.

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