Jump to content


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Cayla Michelle

I am an angry and bitter person. That ddoes not mean I that I am suicidial.

Recommended Posts

Guest Cayla Michelle

This is my wonderful life that people want me to lie about and say is a success.

Councilors that get paid more if they can say your depressed than the truth. I have panic attacks and panic attacks alone.

I see my life going no where. None of my dreams will ever come true. That is to say they can never happen without money, and I live as a result of money I do not deserve as income.

I deserve to be in prison as a criminal, and I have call the FBI so I can be put away where I belong. After all, I chose to violate the law.

Still, I know none of my dreams will ever come true, and I will never be happy because I am a girl.and not a boy person. I am a Jew, and I cannot afford my conversion classes.

I am basically a panic driven failure, and I cannot know what t do because I have been misdiagnosed.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest ~Brenda~

Dearest Cayla Michelle,

Please, let me extend my hand of welcome to Laura's Playground to you. There appears to be a lot going on with you right now, but I want you to know that many people here including myself understand self loathing.

You may not realize it, but expressing that you are angry is a very good step in beginning to deal with why you are angry. Anger leads to very destructive behavior and thinking which is not the real you.

After five posts, you will have more privileges here.

Laura's is a transgender support site that is absolutely free. Everyone cares deeply here. Take a deep breath and just relax.

You are in good hands now.



Share this post

Link to post

Hello Cayla,

I have to ask. Are these counselors who have misdiagnosed you gender therapists? If not, you should try to find one. Have you looked through our list of gender therapists? http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

You appear to be in the depth of despair. Not a good place to be in. Your outlook can get better but you've got to take steps to make it happen. Set yourself one small goal and work toward it. Once you've reached that goal, reach for another.

Have you joined our chat? If not. please do so and speak to any of the moderators there. They are all trained in suicide/depression counseling. They can help you.

You say you deserve to be in prison. I have to ask why? Have you actually done something against the law? If this is so, it would be far better to turn yourself in voluntarily. It will be far easier on you in the long run.

You're not being fair to yourself by saying none of your dreams can ever come true. That's not true because they can and will come true but you've got to work at it. If you have the determination and will to do this, it will happen. Just don't give up.


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Cayla Michelle

The reason I feel I have broken federal law is because there is nothing disabled about me, and I receive federal aid for the disable from social security.

I lied under oath and am gilty of purgury and various counts of defrding the government of tax funded income. I lied, and the fact is that is the facts.

Nothing has everr been expected of me but to fail. I have limitation. Still, that is no reason to llie so despite not working I can have a substandard life.

It is stupidity at its worse. To know so many usseful facts and to never use them productively. That is sad.

I have waisted 40 years of life and now I am not going to take the low expectation anymore.

I do not have depression. I have panic attacks. They won't stop util I make major changes in my life and get employment.

Do not look.at me and say that I have low selfworth. I have knowledge I have gainedm facts that I know that are hiden away because I cannot show how I learned them oor used them in the public act of wrting. I am just intutive and good a reasonning.

What I am angry about is that I let doctors say lies because I have a history of lacking derection with little productive guidencence or.support.

My grandma on my mothers side tried to give me shoes she had bought for herself because she knew I wanted them and my Mom made me give back her shoes I wanted so bad. That is why I changed my last name from [*******], and the change is already legal via the courts.

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Cayla, we are limited in what we can do to help with your many issues. But no problems are unsolvable if you take them on one by one, and seek the proper places to find help.

Clearly you feel that you are able to work. Do you have a h.s diploma, college degree or other training? Do you have work experience at all? Try going to a state employment office, or a Federal One Stop center and talking to a job counselor. They can help you get started, and tell you what steps to take to get into the job market. If you need help with your panic attacks before you can take the other steps, then seek out better therapists than you have now, since they seem unable to help you. If you think your troubles are rooted in your gender issues, then seek out a qualified gender therapist.

It seems to me that you need to take control of your life. We can't do that for you. You have it within your power to make those changes in your life that you wish to change. You have to start somewhere. I wish you all the best.


Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K


Please take a deep breath and slow down just a little bit. As you know, Laura's Playground is a support site and we are here to listen, and sometimes we give advice. Mary Ellen gave you some good advice and it's worth reading over and over, and maybe finding something that will help you. Others also seemed to have good ideas.

To be angry and bitter can come from being gender conflicted, we all have a lot of that. To change - or at least reduce anger and bitterness - has to be from things you do. We on Laura's Playground are miles and miles away, and all we can do is write to you.

You might want to try taking very small steps at first, maybe writing something about your bad parts and you good parts, maybe on a list. Then maybe write ideas how to change some of the bad parts, and how to increase the good pars. It seems to me you are just overwhelmed. We get that way.

Then maybe it would be much easier to pick out something bad, just one thing, and try to fix it.

In any case - do understand that many of us here are older. Also many of us have been in assistance programs. You are not alone.


Share this post

Link to post

Hi Cayla Michelle

As someone who lives on a small social security check and prays his way through the month because right now the bills exceed income I do understand the financial stress. But I also know that nothing in this life that you want badly enough is impossible. Precious little anyway. It's a matter of attitude and priorities.

We are often misdiagnosed by the way because the symptoms of GID mimic a whole lot of other conditions and it creates so much stress to boot. That's why we urge people to see gender therapists or to make sure their therapist is familiar with gender issues.

But being angry is a waste of energy and resources that can better be used in solving your problems.And your attitude-how you react to the problems in your life is something that IS in your hands and your control. In fact no one else can fix you but you. Attitude has to be the first place to start.

I have transitioned and it can't get too much worse than it was for me a year ago. Nor has my life ever been anywhere near as financially and personally challenging as it has this year.

I have good reason to be an angry or despairing person. To give in to the fear and yes at times panic. I chose not to do so. I chose to deal with it and be happy instead. I chose to pay the price and transition.

It's worked for me. I can only speak for me and my own life of course but that was how I did it. Because I decided I would. I chose and you can as well. We all chose our lives every moment of every day


Share this post

Link to post
Guest GinaInside

Hi Cayla,

One of the worst things we face is our own self-criticism. You are not alone in this regard. I have yet to meet a Trans who does not deal with this at some level.

As for being mis-dignosed, that's what shrinks do best, it seems; that sells a lot of meds...Do not let thier failure to see you as you are limit your view of yourself.

Being Trans is hard on a good day. Coming to terms with ourselves helps us make it through that day.


Gina Renee

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Amethyst_Redemption

Mis-diagnosis is annoying at best. I suggest you stop looking for reasons for your T to be right and find a competent T (therapist). This one doesn't see desolation and instead sees a loss of will to live. You want to live, you just need some practice making better decisions for yourself. Just try to make decisions that more benefit you and your life, keep reaching out for support and keep pushing on.

You are depressed, just not in the way you have interpreted it. Hence the complete lack of motivation and feelings of worthlessness. Don't worry about definitions and just work to get better. It IS easier to focus on the label or box you now find yourself stuck with, but doing something about it is as individual as you are. Don't wait for permission, just do it.


Share this post

Link to post
Guest ricka

Honey I chime in with the rest of my precious brothers and sisters here at Laura's!!! Stop beating up on yourself. LIFE has dealt us a hand to play. We can choose to play those cards as skillfully as we can or we can just decide to fold. NONE of us chose the cards we were dealt but I can tell you that those of us who ACCEPTED those cards are still in the game and Hon! believe it or not we have learned to have a wonderful time of it!!!

Miss Ricka

Share this post

Link to post
Guest miss kindheart

Hi Cayla,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Syamantaka

Merry meet

Question? What do you write about, Two, Are you bored?

I am in my 50's and have been shedding anger for awhile by trying to

come up with something that has not been done yet.


Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 18 Guests (See full list)

    • amanda is cute MK3
    • Kenna Dixon
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Rachel Gia
    • MaryMary
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • amanda is cute MK3
      very tired but good glade to be home.  saw michelle yesterday for coffee it was nice.   she has a weird sense of humor she got off work this morning she works nights.  bruising is going down so is swelling. it sucks being this tired lol     amanda 
    • Rachel Gia
      I did not read the whole thing because I have issues with reading but the part i did read sounds like your partner has debting issues which is not something any kind of pleading can solve. Its also probably the most common addiction going on in North America right now so its could be considered normal. I still have issues with my finances but went to Debtors Anon. and got some skills and tools , one of which is a charge card and not a credit card. I have to pay it off every month so I can't over spend. I hope I an not overstepping here but part of the reasons behind racking of credit cards et al is it is a way of escaping and dealing with hard to handle emotions.   I only quoted a few of the signs so's not to clutter up the post.   4) Compulsive shopping: Being unable to pass up a “good deal”; making impulsive purchases; leaving price tags on clothes so they can be returned; not using items you’ve purchased. 5) Difficulty in meeting basic financial or personal obligations, and/or an inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met. 6) A different feeling when buying things on credit than when paying cash, a feeling of being in the club, of being accepted, of being grown up. 12). A feeling or hope that someone will take care of you if necessary, so that you won’t really get into serious financial trouble, that there will always be someone you can turn to.
    • Timber Wolf
      Happy Birthday Alice!🎂 Hope you have a wonderful day!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • Cindy Truheart
        Because she didn't leave me right away when I came out to her, I swore that I'd stay forever. Even when I told her that I'm not attracted to women, I was still willing to be married to her, to be a partner with her, for the rest of our lives. But without the physical aspects of a relationship, she doesn't believe that we have a relationship. So she told me that as far as she was concerned, the marriage was over. I agreed with what she wanted. But now I feel like, if the marriage is over, why am I still here putting up with this? Luckily she's found a guy online that she's been talking to lately and is going on a date next week. Thank the Powers Above and Below!! It has improved her mood substantially!   Oh, and our rent is $1400 because we live in the north Denver area. But if you really want to have your jaw hit the floor then I can tell you about what our mortgage payment was back in NC... $375 a month (no I didn't miss a digit), for a three bedroom, 1100 sq ft home, 1/3 acre of land, with a full basement, in the city limits. As we like to say, the rent in Hell is really cheap!   I see a therapist weekly, although we are getting to the point that I probably don't need to go every week. However, I've never been able to get my ex/roommate to go to counseling. She wouldn't go alone, she wouldn't go to a support group, she wouldn't go to couples counseling, she refused to do any of it. It was as if she unplugged from reality and refused to acknowledge that I was transitioning until recently. Now she talks as if who I was died and I'm someone completely different. Fine by me. I just wish she would hurry up and move on already then.   But I guess you could say that the worst part about it all is that I can't seem to find anyone to talk to. My ex/roommate doesn't obviously doesn't understand, I've got a co-worker who is Bi, but she doesn't understand. And hell, I can't even find another trans woman who has been in my position, or even one close to it. At least not anyone nearby that I could go have coffee with so we could talk. All the trans people I know around here are either retirement age or in their twenties! Or we have absolutely NOTHING in common past the fact that we're both trans. There's just too much of an age gap, too much of a generational distance, and not enough commonality to make for a friendship. So I end up coming on here or FB and pouring my heart out only to either be completely misunderstood, or dismissed, or patronized, or ignored. I end up feeling bad because it seems like I'm wasting everyone's time.   But, whatever. Par for the course I suppose.   ....funny thing is, when I finally realized that I'm trans two years ago, I was SO HAPPY! Because I finally realized that I wasn't alone. I wasn't so different from everyone else. There were people out there who were like me. My first support group was magical. I wanted to get to know everyone and to find friends that I had a bunch of stuff in common with. Instead, despite being part of the trans community, more and more I feel separate from it. The people I've met with similar interests, want nothing to do with me. The people that I enjoy being around and I think are really cool, want nothing to do with me. You know who does want to be with me? My ex/roommate who would like nothing more than for me to go back to who I was. My cis co-worker who is fine with being my friend that she can complain to about her life but doesn't have the time for me. And men who only want me for an evening. So, that is my life. It is what it is. And it's all mine. Bitter loneliness. Never ending isolation. An eternity of being misunderstood despite the fact that I finally know who I am. ....I guess I do need to keep seeing that therapist.
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi Clara, I am single mom as well but my kids love me and I have a family is the trans and gay community in Vancouver now. It a place we "get" each other without explanation. I need to do trans chic stuff for a bit but will be around to look at the computer. You can call me Gia if you like as its my middle name. Gia
    • Gwen
      Rachel, I'm so happy you've made progress in this area, and it was nice to hear from someone who has similar issues. I've had mood issues for decades and I'm very anxious to see how HRT tweaks my chemistry. It should be an interesting spring. I also plan to adopt your electrologist's "First Hot Mess" diagnosis. I'm sure I will have one in the future   Gwen
    • Clara84
        Hi Yes this letter warmed my heart, really.   Those passive aggressive comments are really sad and it hurts... I don't have much hope about the future with her. She's so obtuse on some points.. it would be hard.   Thank you for your greetings... but I feel like I don't have anymore family. I am just a single mom. Love   Clara    P.S. Rachel is also my wife's first name   
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi Clara, I am so happy to hear the news about you and your children being together! I also loved how the court document stated That must have warmed your heart! It warmed mine:) My ex-wife seems to having issues with the past and I get the feeling I will be on the other end of passive aggressive comments for a while yet. I hope your wife can find some help beyond the meetings with your marriage counsellor. Isolation is bad medicine and as she needs to meet you and your children somewhere in the middle. Much Love to you and your family Rachel Vancouver BC  
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi , I am one of the odd ones here as I found my moods stabilized on hormones and the possibility that they would become more up and down on E and T blockers was a major concern before starting. After getting clean and sober I have been working to stabilize my moods for a number of years and throwing another thing into my system that might cause further swings was a major concern. Thankfully I posted on this forum and talked at my trans support group regarding these concerns and then proceeded. I am a little different as I was almost incapable of crying but in the last year I have been making progress and I believe that is in part thanks to HRT and also thanks to the other part of transitioning which for me has been letting people into my truth about my dysphoria and being transgender. I became quite inwardly emotional recently about some private stuff and later that night was informed by my electrologist that I had had my "First Hot Mess!". We laughed and I said "Wow , that was great!". That was after 17 months of hormones. I really think its different for each person and the posts on this forum really helped with me proceeding and continue to do so. Rachel
    • Rachel Gia
      I have not posted not posted on this thread up till now as the answers are in the thread but when all else failed I followed the directions in the box to the letter and have had no issues since doing so. I press an hold for 15 seconds rather than 10. Tight clothing will peel them off. ie Spanx leggings. As said above Arms and legs did not work as the muscles flex too much.
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alice
      (28 years old)
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • TransPulse Partners