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Guest Cayla Michelle

I am an angry and bitter person. That ddoes not mean I that I am suicidial.

12 posts in this topic

This is my wonderful life that people want me to lie about and say is a success.

Councilors that get paid more if they can say your depressed than the truth. I have panic attacks and panic attacks alone.

I see my life going no where. None of my dreams will ever come true. That is to say they can never happen without money, and I live as a result of money I do not deserve as income.

I deserve to be in prison as a criminal, and I have call the FBI so I can be put away where I belong. After all, I chose to violate the law.

Still, I know none of my dreams will ever come true, and I will never be happy because I am a girl.and not a boy person. I am a Jew, and I cannot afford my conversion classes.

I am basically a panic driven failure, and I cannot know what t do because I have been misdiagnosed.

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Dearest Cayla Michelle,

Please, let me extend my hand of welcome to Laura's Playground to you. There appears to be a lot going on with you right now, but I want you to know that many people here including myself understand self loathing.

You may not realize it, but expressing that you are angry is a very good step in beginning to deal with why you are angry. Anger leads to very destructive behavior and thinking which is not the real you.

After five posts, you will have more privileges here.

Laura's is a transgender support site that is absolutely free. Everyone cares deeply here. Take a deep breath and just relax.

You are in good hands now.

Love

Brenda

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Hello Cayla,

I have to ask. Are these counselors who have misdiagnosed you gender therapists? If not, you should try to find one. Have you looked through our list of gender therapists? http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

You appear to be in the depth of despair. Not a good place to be in. Your outlook can get better but you've got to take steps to make it happen. Set yourself one small goal and work toward it. Once you've reached that goal, reach for another.

Have you joined our chat? If not. please do so and speak to any of the moderators there. They are all trained in suicide/depression counseling. They can help you.

You say you deserve to be in prison. I have to ask why? Have you actually done something against the law? If this is so, it would be far better to turn yourself in voluntarily. It will be far easier on you in the long run.

You're not being fair to yourself by saying none of your dreams can ever come true. That's not true because they can and will come true but you've got to work at it. If you have the determination and will to do this, it will happen. Just don't give up.

MaryEllen

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The reason I feel I have broken federal law is because there is nothing disabled about me, and I receive federal aid for the disable from social security.

I lied under oath and am gilty of purgury and various counts of defrding the government of tax funded income. I lied, and the fact is that is the facts.

Nothing has everr been expected of me but to fail. I have limitation. Still, that is no reason to llie so despite not working I can have a substandard life.

It is stupidity at its worse. To know so many usseful facts and to never use them productively. That is sad.

I have waisted 40 years of life and now I am not going to take the low expectation anymore.

I do not have depression. I have panic attacks. They won't stop util I make major changes in my life and get employment.

Do not look.at me and say that I have low selfworth. I have knowledge I have gainedm facts that I know that are hiden away because I cannot show how I learned them oor used them in the public act of wrting. I am just intutive and good a reasonning.

What I am angry about is that I let doctors say lies because I have a history of lacking derection with little productive guidencence or.support.

My grandma on my mothers side tried to give me shoes she had bought for herself because she knew I wanted them and my Mom made me give back her shoes I wanted so bad. That is why I changed my last name from [*******], and the change is already legal via the courts.

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Cayla, we are limited in what we can do to help with your many issues. But no problems are unsolvable if you take them on one by one, and seek the proper places to find help.

Clearly you feel that you are able to work. Do you have a h.s diploma, college degree or other training? Do you have work experience at all? Try going to a state employment office, or a Federal One Stop center and talking to a job counselor. They can help you get started, and tell you what steps to take to get into the job market. If you need help with your panic attacks before you can take the other steps, then seek out better therapists than you have now, since they seem unable to help you. If you think your troubles are rooted in your gender issues, then seek out a qualified gender therapist.

It seems to me that you need to take control of your life. We can't do that for you. You have it within your power to make those changes in your life that you wish to change. You have to start somewhere. I wish you all the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Cayla

Please take a deep breath and slow down just a little bit. As you know, Laura's Playground is a support site and we are here to listen, and sometimes we give advice. Mary Ellen gave you some good advice and it's worth reading over and over, and maybe finding something that will help you. Others also seemed to have good ideas.

To be angry and bitter can come from being gender conflicted, we all have a lot of that. To change - or at least reduce anger and bitterness - has to be from things you do. We on Laura's Playground are miles and miles away, and all we can do is write to you.

You might want to try taking very small steps at first, maybe writing something about your bad parts and you good parts, maybe on a list. Then maybe write ideas how to change some of the bad parts, and how to increase the good pars. It seems to me you are just overwhelmed. We get that way.

Then maybe it would be much easier to pick out something bad, just one thing, and try to fix it.

In any case - do understand that many of us here are older. Also many of us have been in assistance programs. You are not alone.

Lizzie

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Hi Cayla Michelle

As someone who lives on a small social security check and prays his way through the month because right now the bills exceed income I do understand the financial stress. But I also know that nothing in this life that you want badly enough is impossible. Precious little anyway. It's a matter of attitude and priorities.

We are often misdiagnosed by the way because the symptoms of GID mimic a whole lot of other conditions and it creates so much stress to boot. That's why we urge people to see gender therapists or to make sure their therapist is familiar with gender issues.

But being angry is a waste of energy and resources that can better be used in solving your problems.And your attitude-how you react to the problems in your life is something that IS in your hands and your control. In fact no one else can fix you but you. Attitude has to be the first place to start.

I have transitioned and it can't get too much worse than it was for me a year ago. Nor has my life ever been anywhere near as financially and personally challenging as it has this year.

I have good reason to be an angry or despairing person. To give in to the fear and yes at times panic. I chose not to do so. I chose to deal with it and be happy instead. I chose to pay the price and transition.

It's worked for me. I can only speak for me and my own life of course but that was how I did it. Because I decided I would. I chose and you can as well. We all chose our lives every moment of every day

Johnny

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Hi Cayla,

One of the worst things we face is our own self-criticism. You are not alone in this regard. I have yet to meet a Trans who does not deal with this at some level.

As for being mis-dignosed, that's what shrinks do best, it seems; that sells a lot of meds...Do not let thier failure to see you as you are limit your view of yourself.

Being Trans is hard on a good day. Coming to terms with ourselves helps us make it through that day.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

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Mis-diagnosis is annoying at best. I suggest you stop looking for reasons for your T to be right and find a competent T (therapist). This one doesn't see desolation and instead sees a loss of will to live. You want to live, you just need some practice making better decisions for yourself. Just try to make decisions that more benefit you and your life, keep reaching out for support and keep pushing on.

You are depressed, just not in the way you have interpreted it. Hence the complete lack of motivation and feelings of worthlessness. Don't worry about definitions and just work to get better. It IS easier to focus on the label or box you now find yourself stuck with, but doing something about it is as individual as you are. Don't wait for permission, just do it.

April

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Honey I chime in with the rest of my precious brothers and sisters here at Laura's!!! Stop beating up on yourself. LIFE has dealt us a hand to play. We can choose to play those cards as skillfully as we can or we can just decide to fold. NONE of us chose the cards we were dealt but I can tell you that those of us who ACCEPTED those cards are still in the game and Hon! believe it or not we have learned to have a wonderful time of it!!!

Miss Ricka

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Hi Cayla,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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Merry meet

Question? What do you write about, Two, Are you bored?

I am in my 50's and have been shedding anger for awhile by trying to

come up with something that has not been done yet.

Welcome

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