Jump to content


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Cayla Michelle

I am an angry and bitter person. That ddoes not mean I that I am suicidial.

Recommended Posts

Guest Cayla Michelle

This is my wonderful life that people want me to lie about and say is a success.

Councilors that get paid more if they can say your depressed than the truth. I have panic attacks and panic attacks alone.

I see my life going no where. None of my dreams will ever come true. That is to say they can never happen without money, and I live as a result of money I do not deserve as income.

I deserve to be in prison as a criminal, and I have call the FBI so I can be put away where I belong. After all, I chose to violate the law.

Still, I know none of my dreams will ever come true, and I will never be happy because I am a girl.and not a boy person. I am a Jew, and I cannot afford my conversion classes.

I am basically a panic driven failure, and I cannot know what t do because I have been misdiagnosed.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest ~Brenda~

Dearest Cayla Michelle,

Please, let me extend my hand of welcome to Laura's Playground to you. There appears to be a lot going on with you right now, but I want you to know that many people here including myself understand self loathing.

You may not realize it, but expressing that you are angry is a very good step in beginning to deal with why you are angry. Anger leads to very destructive behavior and thinking which is not the real you.

After five posts, you will have more privileges here.

Laura's is a transgender support site that is absolutely free. Everyone cares deeply here. Take a deep breath and just relax.

You are in good hands now.



Share this post

Link to post

Hello Cayla,

I have to ask. Are these counselors who have misdiagnosed you gender therapists? If not, you should try to find one. Have you looked through our list of gender therapists? http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

You appear to be in the depth of despair. Not a good place to be in. Your outlook can get better but you've got to take steps to make it happen. Set yourself one small goal and work toward it. Once you've reached that goal, reach for another.

Have you joined our chat? If not. please do so and speak to any of the moderators there. They are all trained in suicide/depression counseling. They can help you.

You say you deserve to be in prison. I have to ask why? Have you actually done something against the law? If this is so, it would be far better to turn yourself in voluntarily. It will be far easier on you in the long run.

You're not being fair to yourself by saying none of your dreams can ever come true. That's not true because they can and will come true but you've got to work at it. If you have the determination and will to do this, it will happen. Just don't give up.


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Cayla Michelle

The reason I feel I have broken federal law is because there is nothing disabled about me, and I receive federal aid for the disable from social security.

I lied under oath and am gilty of purgury and various counts of defrding the government of tax funded income. I lied, and the fact is that is the facts.

Nothing has everr been expected of me but to fail. I have limitation. Still, that is no reason to llie so despite not working I can have a substandard life.

It is stupidity at its worse. To know so many usseful facts and to never use them productively. That is sad.

I have waisted 40 years of life and now I am not going to take the low expectation anymore.

I do not have depression. I have panic attacks. They won't stop util I make major changes in my life and get employment.

Do not look.at me and say that I have low selfworth. I have knowledge I have gainedm facts that I know that are hiden away because I cannot show how I learned them oor used them in the public act of wrting. I am just intutive and good a reasonning.

What I am angry about is that I let doctors say lies because I have a history of lacking derection with little productive guidencence or.support.

My grandma on my mothers side tried to give me shoes she had bought for herself because she knew I wanted them and my Mom made me give back her shoes I wanted so bad. That is why I changed my last name from [*******], and the change is already legal via the courts.

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Cayla, we are limited in what we can do to help with your many issues. But no problems are unsolvable if you take them on one by one, and seek the proper places to find help.

Clearly you feel that you are able to work. Do you have a h.s diploma, college degree or other training? Do you have work experience at all? Try going to a state employment office, or a Federal One Stop center and talking to a job counselor. They can help you get started, and tell you what steps to take to get into the job market. If you need help with your panic attacks before you can take the other steps, then seek out better therapists than you have now, since they seem unable to help you. If you think your troubles are rooted in your gender issues, then seek out a qualified gender therapist.

It seems to me that you need to take control of your life. We can't do that for you. You have it within your power to make those changes in your life that you wish to change. You have to start somewhere. I wish you all the best.


Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K


Please take a deep breath and slow down just a little bit. As you know, Laura's Playground is a support site and we are here to listen, and sometimes we give advice. Mary Ellen gave you some good advice and it's worth reading over and over, and maybe finding something that will help you. Others also seemed to have good ideas.

To be angry and bitter can come from being gender conflicted, we all have a lot of that. To change - or at least reduce anger and bitterness - has to be from things you do. We on Laura's Playground are miles and miles away, and all we can do is write to you.

You might want to try taking very small steps at first, maybe writing something about your bad parts and you good parts, maybe on a list. Then maybe write ideas how to change some of the bad parts, and how to increase the good pars. It seems to me you are just overwhelmed. We get that way.

Then maybe it would be much easier to pick out something bad, just one thing, and try to fix it.

In any case - do understand that many of us here are older. Also many of us have been in assistance programs. You are not alone.


Share this post

Link to post

Hi Cayla Michelle

As someone who lives on a small social security check and prays his way through the month because right now the bills exceed income I do understand the financial stress. But I also know that nothing in this life that you want badly enough is impossible. Precious little anyway. It's a matter of attitude and priorities.

We are often misdiagnosed by the way because the symptoms of GID mimic a whole lot of other conditions and it creates so much stress to boot. That's why we urge people to see gender therapists or to make sure their therapist is familiar with gender issues.

But being angry is a waste of energy and resources that can better be used in solving your problems.And your attitude-how you react to the problems in your life is something that IS in your hands and your control. In fact no one else can fix you but you. Attitude has to be the first place to start.

I have transitioned and it can't get too much worse than it was for me a year ago. Nor has my life ever been anywhere near as financially and personally challenging as it has this year.

I have good reason to be an angry or despairing person. To give in to the fear and yes at times panic. I chose not to do so. I chose to deal with it and be happy instead. I chose to pay the price and transition.

It's worked for me. I can only speak for me and my own life of course but that was how I did it. Because I decided I would. I chose and you can as well. We all chose our lives every moment of every day


Share this post

Link to post
Guest GinaInside

Hi Cayla,

One of the worst things we face is our own self-criticism. You are not alone in this regard. I have yet to meet a Trans who does not deal with this at some level.

As for being mis-dignosed, that's what shrinks do best, it seems; that sells a lot of meds...Do not let thier failure to see you as you are limit your view of yourself.

Being Trans is hard on a good day. Coming to terms with ourselves helps us make it through that day.


Gina Renee

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Amethyst_Redemption

Mis-diagnosis is annoying at best. I suggest you stop looking for reasons for your T to be right and find a competent T (therapist). This one doesn't see desolation and instead sees a loss of will to live. You want to live, you just need some practice making better decisions for yourself. Just try to make decisions that more benefit you and your life, keep reaching out for support and keep pushing on.

You are depressed, just not in the way you have interpreted it. Hence the complete lack of motivation and feelings of worthlessness. Don't worry about definitions and just work to get better. It IS easier to focus on the label or box you now find yourself stuck with, but doing something about it is as individual as you are. Don't wait for permission, just do it.


Share this post

Link to post
Guest ricka

Honey I chime in with the rest of my precious brothers and sisters here at Laura's!!! Stop beating up on yourself. LIFE has dealt us a hand to play. We can choose to play those cards as skillfully as we can or we can just decide to fold. NONE of us chose the cards we were dealt but I can tell you that those of us who ACCEPTED those cards are still in the game and Hon! believe it or not we have learned to have a wonderful time of it!!!

Miss Ricka

Share this post

Link to post
Guest miss kindheart

Hi Cayla,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Syamantaka

Merry meet

Question? What do you write about, Two, Are you bored?

I am in my 50's and have been shedding anger for awhile by trying to

come up with something that has not been done yet.


Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 12 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • MaryEllen
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • Gwen
      Welcome, Tali. I'm so glad you found the courage to say hello to TransPulse. I hope you find this a welcoming and informative place, and a safe place to just be yourself. I also have social anxiety and have found life my complicated with my transgender issues. But, I have found support here, and I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life who accept me. I hope you also find the support you want/need as you make your journey, which will provide happiness too. The happiness will come!!   Gwen
    • Charlize
      It sounds like you have a good plan for the future and are getting through the present difficulties with a grace that deserves praise.  I remember the humiliation of being called by my male name in crowded waiting rooms.  Those times were instrumental in getting me to make the necessary steps to change my legal status. HRT and living as yourself are certainly major steps along your journey as is finding a style that works well and makes you feel comfortable as yourself. Thanks for the update and happy birthday!   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Timber Wolf
      Good morning Everyone!🍳   Happy Birthday Alexastimo!🎂 Happy Birthday Laura Beth!🎂 Happy Birthday Trojan!🎂 Hope your day is very special!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • TessaOKC
        Hi Mary,   I have slightly more than 20 good trans female friends that I speak with on at least a weekly basis. I have never felt alone and if I really need someone to talk to there is always someone nearby. My friends situation is very different. Don't know what the stats are but there appear to be far less FTM than MTF humans out there. That is stating the friend situation only for him. Now, since he's attracted to cis females, the numbers diminish even further. No clue for how many cis women are looking for transmales  but the number seems to be like really really low. So, to me, online dating is a no brainer.  I've checked a few places and the suggestions on dating sites are not many.   Good for you doing the online dating thing. I as well think we should be up front about who we are and I also think it can be safe providing that common sense is used       I really appreciate your view,   Tess
    • TessaOKC
        Thanks Vicky. Some people like very much to be part of a couple, me being one of them. Good luck at your weddings!!!
    • MarcieMarie12
      Hi Tali, one thing that helped me was getting out of the house and meeting others. My family members all responded differently  to it. My nephews were pretty much a shrug. It took time for some to come to terms with it too.   Welcome to Transpulse!  hugs, Marcie
    • Jennifer W
      Hi Raya welcome! Nice to meet you!
    • Jennifer W
      Welcome Tali...glad your here with us. Hugs!
    • Jennifer W
      Hi Kelly welcome! Give the cats a hug for me!
    • VickySGV
      Sounds like you are doing very well.  Back when I started things out on the name change, I could not do the gender change until after GCS.  Several months after my GCS and all the changes for me made, they changed the laws -- for the better -- so I would not have had the long drawn out  program that I had to do.  Keep your head high and you will make it, and laugh about all of the hassle.  
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. alexastlmo
      (34 years old)
    2. Laura Beth
      Laura Beth
      (51 years old)
    3. Trojan
      (39 years old)
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • TransPulse Partners