What to do?

[Guest Teri G]

I have had fits and starts for several years. I came out to my wife three years ago and our life has been up and down. I halted any thought of transition at that time to keep our marriage intact but the internal stress tells me that this has been a mistake. I am in therapy...we have both seen a therapist who is trained in gender issues. But i need more. What do you suggest some steps would be to get me to my goal of living as a woman. I want hormones. I tried them several years ago for 6 weeks and loved how i felt.

I am open for suggestions.

teri

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well, before hormones, I wore nice things under my work clothes, I wore an ankle bracelet under my socks, I kept my nails nice and my hair nice...I started electrolysis and wore some jewelery...

These are some small, but, reversible things that aren't too "in your face"...

Let me ask you.....what does your therapist say about you getting HRT.? Is there any kind of timeline?

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Karen K]

I'm with Dee Jay here.

There are many things things you can do. Hair, nails, underclothing as Dee said. Laser or electrolisys is a good idea too.

Good luck.

Laura Jane

[Guest Teri G]

My therapist has told me that I can start hormones whenever I want them. My doctor wrote me script a couple of years ago for the vivelle microdot but I never filled it because I had hope to bring my wife on board before I did that. That scenario is now quite unlikely.

[Cyndee]

Teri, I think you sound educated and mature enough to know what you are doing here, deferal of transition for the sake of loved ones, can be agonizing for both you and them, I've been there, so have many others here. Sorry to answer your questions with questions, but only designed to spur thought. Do the costs of transition and acheiving the goal of living as a woman (and there are costs) justified by the pain ? Everyone has their own thresholds and circumstances to weigh. Sounds like you have bumped up against these thresholds already. Transition is something you must do for yourself Teri, your loved one(s) may not "get it" ever, although education technique and information is better now in this time. Does your wife understand this is really a medical as well as a psychological issue ? What reasons would someone want to deny you a treatment for a diagnosed condition ? I realize it can boil down to her losses and tolerances for loss. There can be ways to attempt to compensate for this.

Like Dee Jay and Laura say above there are lots of things to do to prepare for living full time that do not involve hormones. I will also mention voice and mannerism training.

Let me also mention this thread posted by one of our members, good reading if you have not already seen it.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=40235

Best wishes

Cindy -

[Guest Teri G]

I am taking an antidepressant right now and she believes that THAT is the correct medical treatment for this. Is it time for me to suggest thta I need E for self preservation

[Cyndee]

Es is a widely prescribed treatment for MTF gender dysphoria, it is up to your Dr to help you with that and your other meds, getting your wife to understand from this prespective might shed a different light for her, dunno, worth a try.

Good luck Teri

C -

[Guest Leah1026]

I have had fits and starts for several years. I came out to my wife three years ago and our life has been up and down. I halted any thought of transition at that time to keep our marriage intact but the internal stress tells me that this has been a mistake. I am in therapy...we have both seen a therapist who is trained in gender issues. But i need more. What do you suggest some steps would be to get me to my goal of living as a woman. I want hormones. I tried them several years ago for 6 weeks and loved how i felt.

I am open for suggestions.

You first have to come to grips with the fact that the marriage may not survive. My ex basically said it was her way or the highway. I couldn't see going back in the closet, especially since the stress was starting to cause health problems, and surviving. I told them that I was probably going to die doing as they wanted. They didn't believe and filed for divorce. From coming out to the divorce being final was 3.5 months.

I don't think I have to tell you most marriages do not survive transition.

[Guest Teri G]

how did you cope with your marriage dissolving?

[Guest Jaded1]

I know she will believe what she wants to believe but to say that anti-depressants are the cure for GID makes me cringe.

They might help with the symptoms but will never do anything for the underlying cause.

[Guest Teri G]

so, Jaded, what meds would be appropriate for treating this? what can i take to relief the yearning and anxiety?

[JJ]

Teri,

Anti-depressants vary a lot in how they work for each individual and some are contraindicated because of medications or other factors for some individuals so I think it would be dangerous for anyone to recommend an anti-depressant for you. This is something you need to discuss with your Dr who can also monitor you for side effects.

For instance there is an anti-depressant class that works fine for many people that makes me aggressive and lowers impulse control as well. I can't take it at all. There is another that I am so allergic to that it could have been life threatening but it can also cause severe problems if discontinued abruptly. Another increased suicidal ideation. Those reactions are due to my blood and brain chemistry and those same anti-depressants work best for some people. There are some that worked for me too. It is just highly individual.

So please ask your Dr -and ask what side -effects to watch for as well.

Johnny

[Cyndee]

I know she will believe what she wants to believe but to say that anti-depressants are the cure for GID makes me cringe.

They might help with the symptoms but will never do anything for the underlying cause.

Let's just suppose for this dicussion Teri the underlying reason for depression is gender dysphoria. Would the Dr be more effective in helping treat you with this approach ?

C -

[Guest Teri G]

what do you suggest for treating the dysphoria?

[Cyndee]

I am not a Dr, but like I said above Es is a widely prescribed treatment for MTF gender dysphoria.

Beyond hormones, I realized relief from my GD by dressing in women's clothes (every day), going out to support meetings and meeting others in the real world with similar circumstances, training my voice to be more feminine, working on refining my feminine mannerisms, in other words I do everything I can to be a better girl. In doing these things and by expressing my feminine self, I have realized real relief. Just participating in these forums provided GD relief too.

C -

[Guest Teri G]

maybe, cynthia, i am just wanting someone to help me face the fact here that my efforts to suppress these feelings or look to other "socially accepted" at least by my wife, alternatives is really kidding myself. I have told my therapist all along that I wouldn't transition if my wife couldn't come along with me on the journey. I didn't want to be responsible for ruining her life. I see now that I am truly kidding myself. This is not going to just go away. It will be with me forever. And the feelings of emptiness and the yearnings to fill that empty void are growing stronger,

[Cyndee]

I see now that I am truly kidding myself. This is not going to just go away. It will be with me forever.

This is what I finally saw, and it took a long time to realize, I was only fooling myself. I kept trying to push back or supress for the sake of others and in doing so induced all kinds of negative behavior and self destruction. The path to recovery is through self acceptance and this is a truely personal experience.

[Guest Teri G]

so the fact that i am beginning to see that i have been deluding myself....is this a start to self-acceptance? you can PM me if you want.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I have a feeling that is how I feel. However that doesnt meen I have to go rushing into anything. Also, as long as I dont know anything for sure, I can tell people that. Last night really hit me and made me realise that I am going to make another step. Thursday I will go to my GT and start to figure out what that step will be.

[Guest Teri G]

that sounds like a good plan, hon

[Guest Teri G]

i know this. the yearning and emptiness seem to be growing. its like a feeling that something is missing. something that should be there isn't and my body is asking why. i remember when i had experimented with hormones and how i felt a sudden feeling of peace and calm. i am not sure...is that an indicator of what i should do?

teri

[Guest Teri G]

i have been emailng back and forth with my therapist this past weekend. i have been trying to come to groups as to why i have not been able to move past the rut i am in and move towards transitioning to living as a woman. i have always felt that it was my spouse...that i did not want to abandon her and hurt her. my therapist suggests that it is far more complicated than that. she has suggested that i start journaling to try to come to an understanding as to why i haven't started a real transition to living as a woman.

anyone have any thoughts as to where i ought to begin with this? i think i may start with a list of positive and negative benefits from transition. if anyone would like to help, i would welcome any comments.

[Guest Teagan]

Unfortunately, I don't know how much help a pros and cons list will be.

If you are a woman, there is one and only one "pro"... living your life as yourself. That's it. Nothing else. We could sit here and come up with cons until the cows come home, and if you are truly a woman, those cons probably won't matter. They were very substantial for me but they didn't matter.

Things like hair, nails, and underclothing might mitigate it a little bit, but if you're a woman, won't help. They didn't help for me. Millions of men get manicures and wear women's undergarments. But they're still men.

There is one, well, perhaps two questions you have to ask yourself.

1) Are you a woman?

2) If yes, what will you do about it? What price are you willing to pay to be yourself?

This never goes away.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with it. It's a situation that I wish no one had to find themselves in.