Gulp! First visit over.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

First visit is over and I loved her. She was very understanding and supportive. At her request I had sent her a basic biography of my life so we had places to start. She led me in finally really understanding that I have GID and discussed that nothing in my past could cause this, it just is. She said there is a lot of research and we can discuss theories about the cause later (didnt have enough time). Next week we are to discuss what exactly it means and where I think I need to go from there.

Now to figure out how to tell my wife?!?!

If you have question please ask I am just kind of numb right now and am thinking myself.

Luv you guys and thanx for all the support.

[Guest eliza.d]

babe, i love your new zelma icon! scoobie doobie doo!

congrats again on your first appt. do what you gotta do, im with ya sister!

love ya,

Eliza

[Guest Shari]

Mandy,

I'm very happy for you finding someone you like and feel you can talk to openly. That is so cool.

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Well that didnt take long. As I was typing my first post I received a phone call from my wife. She started to ask questions and I will admit I was trying to be honest. I tried to say I will talk when I get home but she didnt want to stay up late because she had to leave early. So I was trying to answer the questions truthfully and she eventually got to the GID and got peed. First she said that it bothers her greatly that the therapist diagnosed it in the first visit then she said we will talk about it when I get home in THAT way. After that she said she was glad that I liked her. When she hung up she did say she loved me.

I know you guys dont really know me or my wife but any help, suggestions, and encouragement that you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I am still trying to figure out why I let it run on. I wanted to talk to her face to face. I just couldnt stop it.

[Guest Sarah Michelle]

Amanda the good news out of your post about your wife was that she said I Love You when hanging up. Mine wouldn't talk to me again after I told her about me. Some spouses stick with us and some can't handle the changes. I hope your wife will stick by you during all of this.

Maybe you can suggest that she go with you to your therapist after a couple visits by yourself. That way she can meet the therapist and maybe you two can talk to each other openly about what it is you are going through.

Good Luck

[Guest Shari]

Hi Mandy,

I can only relate my experience. My wife did not want to accept that I had GID. She criticized my therapist, she complained that I went without her, she didn't like how I found my therapist, she was suspicious because my therapist is part of the LGBT community, etc. This was all just a diversion so that she didn't have to face my real issues.

In hindsight, I wish I had spent more time educating her. I also think it would have been helpful to her to have met my therapist at some point.

There is no easy way around it, be honest and avoid being defensive if you can do it.

This doesn't alter the fact that you had a life changing event today that was awesome. You opened up to another human being!

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I can handle her being mad at me, I just am not good when she puts on the pressure. She will probably want me to switch counselors and I dont know of anymore in this area. I will try to find some, I guess. Does anyone get second opinions?

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Shari, you are right about me getting defensive, trust me I do. That is what I am trying to work on. How to not be defensive but not say something I will regret. I am falling back on honesty at least in my heart I know I did all that I can do. I at least have a place to go. I went against yalls advice and told a friend of mine before I told my wife so I would have a place to go if something happened, well it might be happening. We will see.

Vicky asked this in a post made by Terri_G:

Ask youself though, does the person I am potentially co-dependent on claim a greater share of my life because their own life is un-manageable.

Yes

Do I give this person a greater right and demand on my life than I give myself?

Maybe, I dont want to say yes because I am not sure. I sit around and hardly ever do anything for myself because I am scared to "ask" her permision.

Do I seek this person's approval of my life before I can even consider giving approval of my life to myself?

Yes

Do I feel duty bound to this person to perform things I would not do in my own best counsel, because their lives will be uncontrolled if I do not?

Yes

Do I need to wait for this person to die before I can become me?

We will see if I can stand up to her.

I know, I know, I shouldnt say "if I can stand up to her" but that is the truth and I am just trying to be truthfull.

Wow, I am seeming like a wife out of a movie. Maybe this is telling me something but I have also made mistakes in my life. I got fired from two jobs and got discharged from the Navy for being overweight. It was an Honerable Discharge though. For the last 5 years though I have been gainfully employed in my field making good money. I feel guilty about my mistakes and always have problems standing up to her.

[Guest Jenny C]

So much Love on this site !!!

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

IKR, dont know what I would have done without it.

[Guest Jenny C]

Love my dear, Believe in yourself and time the time. Answers will come. You only have one life and it is yours.

Take time.

Hugs,

Jenny

[Guest eliza.d]

so anybody want a good laugh?

once i found my gt, thru lauras, i made the appt, and then my wife said:

shes a transwoman, i can just tell from her website, and she gives hormone shots out of her office.

two, utterly unfounded malicious ridiculous ideas that i think my wife fabricated out of thin air.

at the second appt with my gt, my wife came too. my wife tried her games in the session, but my gt thoroughly won her over and then it hit my wife that i was telling the truth about all this, she started crying, and said about me, i just want HER to be happy and live.

my wife knew it all along, she was testing me. and i won. the truth won.

since then things have gotten steadily better between us, of course their are bumps, but we are dealing with it TOGETHER.

be prepared for your wives to pull some punches. dont cave, just stand strong on your policy of truth.

thats what i think at least. IMHO.

Eliza

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Eliza, I am so happy to hear that.

Well we had a talk and my wife said that she didnt understand how I can be diagnosed without me being disgusted by my man part, and then asked it doesnt disgust you does it? I told her no, it doesnt disgust me. It is just wrong and I would rather be a woman. She also said that I am not like a woman, so I said not liking to be around men, any normal men activities, talking to men, really relating to women, being more comfortable with women, wanting to join the "women's" conversation is like a man. She said "It doesnt have to be just a woman's thing." Since I have never mentioned liking to be pretty, wanting to be pretty, wanting to be taken care of; I didnt mention them at this time. We had already went over my wanting to be a woman. It ended up with her stating that if my outward appearance has to be changed at all she doesnt want to stay. She doesnt want to be married to a woman. I am going to go to lots more counseling of course and we are going to wait for that.

Now my question is, have yall heard of any coping mechanisms transgender people have used to not transition?

If I refuse to be misserable anymore am I just stringing her along, or is this a way to give her more time to think?

I also offered, since I brought this into our marriage and she doesnt want to stay married, I will move out so I will be the bad guy. I have offered for her to go to one of my counseling sessions so she can ask anything she wants.

Last thought, I think, she did say she loves me and wants to be happy, just not at the expense of the family. When she went into the bedroom she did say "I love you."

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

See, no panicing this time.

[Guest Roux]

My goodness, a lot has happened.

So glad to hear the session went well! Nothing beats a therapist you like right off the bat.

Also, it's a great thing that your wife continues to tell you she loves you, despite the fact that she recognizes she may not stay with you. Sounds like a reason to hope that things will go well between the two of you as you figure out what's the right path for you.

There are definitely transpeople out there who don't transition, but I don't know how they do it. But it seems reasonable to me to tell your wife that you'll be visiting this therapist for a while to figure out what your path should be, and that you'd like her to stick around with you during that time to see if (1) you don't transition after all and your relationship doesn't have to change, or (2) you do transition but she becomes comfortable with the idea in the interim. I don't consider that "stringing her along" or anything; it's just taking things slow and seeing what needs to be done to both your life and your marriage.

Keep us posted when you have your next conversation, please!

[Guest eliza.d]

mandy, you will have probably guessed it, my wife said the exact same thing about not wanting to be married to a woman. we are still working thru that. but i told her i wouldnt let her live a life that she didnt want, so conversely she must not ask me to live a life i did not choose.

sometimes you have to let those you love go to save yourself, and sometimes they return.

forget that people will think youre the bad, girl, if you move out. stop worrying what everyone else thinks about your actions and decisions you are making.

heres my truth, coping mechanisms for not transitioning, in my case for years before i came out while trying to not transition....drug use, escapism, heavy drinking, lying, inventing identities, making the worst de isions of my life, trying to kill myself, being devoid of love emotion happiness responsibility. in short my coping mechanisms ended up only equalling misery and near total destruction.

not to say that will happen to you, just what happened to me.

so i had no choice to transition, no matter the cost. for me, not to transition would surely end only in death. so losing my biofam, my wife, my house, my dogs( thats the hardest in a way), were acceptable casualities in order to save my life.

hope this helps sister, and always im here for you if you need to talk.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Eliza

[Guest Teri G]

Eliza...I think we have all tried those at one time or another. Getting to the point of making the big decision is hard for some of us.

[Guest eliza.d]

very much so teri. i understand emphatically. it is the most important decision of our lives, sadly some of us never get the chance to decide. many succumb to their misery and leave this world. it is very very sad but true.

we must all remember those of us that have fallen, and will fall...by their own hands or those of others.

their memory lives on here, and serves to remind us that we must be there for each other and for ourselves.

thats what we do here at lauras, help each other. we are all in this together, we are family.

best wishes to you and your wife teri, and godspeed sister.

Hugs, Eliza

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

So happy for you and proud of you Amanda! Cant wait till Im following you down that path! xx

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thank you Amberly!!!

Sis, I always luv your support and am here for you too. You know you cant keep me off the phone, girl!!!

[Guest Nicole163]

Hi Mandy,

I also have wondered why I didn't know this about myself earlier on. I've even asked my doctor about it in session and its just one of those things. It depends on how far into denial you were about it. I mean, all the signs and symptoms should have been SCREAMING it but, even in the face of the most obvious things I simply chose to ignore it. Its a cultural tragedy, but something we are working through on an individual basis, and collectively as well as a minority. Often times, this is one of the worst ways to come to terms with something of this magnitude and the ramifications and repercussions are based within the eye of the beholder. When truth is something up for debate, we find ourselves stigmatized and criticized in the worst ways.

In my experience, what makes this so hard on spouses is the deceptiveness they think we deliberately kept from them. I've said it somewhere else that this experience is akin to believing in ghosts or ufo's or something...in that there are skeptics and believers, but its something you really have to experience for yourself in order to affirm it to yourself. Sadly, being born as a transsexual is not something anyone who's not will ever experience but at best can empathize. Being empathetic is a trait some are better at and have an inclination to than others, its regarded as a feminine quality and ironically, most women do not continue to stay in relationships undergoing transition.

Spouses have it in a very rough place though...they are forced to weigh many things. Their personal values, is the love and companionship more important to them than whether they feel deceived and if so...is it possible to overcome this through communication and compromise. Is this something they will have a hard time accepting because of their self consciousness of being seen with someone in transition that may or may not necessarily pass? There are MANY things running through her head at this moment, and the best possible advice I can give you is this...if she is going through the inner fight of "I am not a lesbian". You need to assure her in whatever way that you are able to settle for her life long companionship, because she means that much to you "IF" you do not want to pursue another relationship in the future. Many transwomen do find that they are no longer attracted to, or feel that warmth and love and miss it...and also feel the need to have a man's touch.

All very important things to think about going forward from where you are, but...having had a spouse go through the spider web of emotions and having joint sessions with my doctor regularly I can honestly say that if you can get past any conservative views on this, you have a real shot at maintaining your relationship if you will both settle for less, and end up gaining a lot more in the long run.

Hope this helped to some degree or another, I am happy for you as you embark on a path of self happiness probably for the first time in your life...but I realize how bittersweet this can and likely will be, and I've said nothing here yet about the family and friends you may lose...those are the things that affect me the most even to this day. Losing friends and family relationships, life goes on, however and the world will keep spinning. The world isn't going to end and everyone will continue living their lives irregardless the only difference is I'm happy with myself now.

<3

Nikki

[Guest Marni]

Hi Amanda,

You asked me to respond to this thread, for the S/O point of view. Here's what I have to say.

Although you didn't choose to be TS, what you do with that knowledge is definitely your choice. Anyone who says that the truly love their partner yet choose to move ahead with transition no matter the consequences to that other person (especially if there are kids), is simply acting selfish and does not actually understand the meaning of "love," except maybe of self. Having said that, I think that you are making all the right moves as far as your wife is concerned. Now, there may come a point where completing your transition is best for you and that being on the path with you is NOT the best thing for your wife, but by moving slowly, at her pace, you are giving your relationship a chance to grow in the direction you most desire, which is to remain together. It seems like your wife doesn't really want to end the relationship, either. I didn't, even when I told Natasha that I couldn't see being happily married to a woman. Now look at where I am.

Natasha tried to stop transitioning in the beginning. Her therapist had her write "break up" letters to her female self, trying to get that "voice" to go away. In the end, though, it only made her that much more depressed, and the female "voice" just fought back. Natasha made a valiant go at it, though. I know of some TS who focus on cross-dressing. Especially since you don't "yet" hate your man parts (Natasha didn't at the very beginning), you might get what you need from that. Again, though, it only worked for so long in Natasha's case. The point, Amanda, is that you understand that every move you make is, in fact, a conscious choice, and that because your wife seems interested in learning about what you are going through, you can choose to walk the path at her pace or leave her behind and be certain that your marriage will fail.

I strongly suggest that you talk with her often. Ask her, given that this is real, what she is comfortable with you doing. You haven't been seeing a GT long enough to get the green light on HRT, right? So until then, show her medically sound websites that discuss TS. Show her Harry Benjamin's website. At the very least it shows the various "levels" of gender dysphoria and offers a scientific, well-studied explanation of what's up. Bring her to a therapy session, where she can ask whatever questions she wants to. But most of all, tell her what you are going through. You mentioned "standing up" to her. I'm sorry, but this is your ball, Amanda, and you threw it. Whether or not she chooses to catch it is up to how you encourage her to do so. Obviously she wants to, but she's far more likely to go the direction you want her to go if you play WITH her and not against her. She has the right to be angry and she has the right to yell at you once in a while. She has the right to be withdrawn from you, too. She did not ask for this and you just changed her life forever. What do you expect?

Again, I think you are already doing the right things. You must think of yourself, too, of course, but when you have more than yourself to think about, we are not at the top of the list. As a mother and a spouse, I understand this very well.

I hope I helped you, or at least offered some perspective. You could always suggest that she look at my blog and you can have her contact me and we can talk. Let me know. :-D

Marni

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thank you Marni, I am doing what I can. I have told her I want to be a woman but I am going to try and see what will make me not miserable anymore. It may be more than she wants, maybe not, and maybe something can grow between us. Maybe crosssdressing or something to that level will work but not if I cant share it with someone. She doesnt want it though. Right now she says she doesnt want anyone, including her, seeing any thing other than a male. I have told her I dont know if I can do that and she agreed to let it wait till I get more counseling. No, no HRT only first meeting and no mention of it. I wont even accept HRT without talking to my wife first, I want her to know she is important to me and this whole process. I have asked her and continue to ask her if she wants to go to counseling with me. I want her to know I am not hiding any of my counseling from her. The only thing I havent been doing that you suggested, is I havent been bringing it up to her. I was waiting for her to bring it up when she is ready but I wont do that anymore. I will bring it up more often.

We did talk again today and it went a lot better. I kept assuring her I love her and dont want to leave her. She said she loved me too. She kept saying that she had always thought she would be married for the rest of her life. Not alone. I told her that I didnt want to make leave her alone. I want to stay with her. She said she didnt think she could stay with me if I change any. She also said she was alone in this and didnt have anyone to talk to. She didnt want to talk to a stranger and that is her answer when I bring up going to counseling with me or getting her own counselor. After we talked for a while, she said she had to talk to someone. So she was going to talk to her parents. I told her to do whatever she has to do and I will deal with whatever comes my way. I love her and just am doing the best I can. So she went to talk to her parents, then, about an hour later, called and told my daughter to be ready they are going to go shopping. I figured that was to get the kids out of the house so my father-in-law could talk to me but she didnt take our son and that was almost an hour ago and no call or visit from the father-in-law. I will talk to her again when we have a chance and see if she want to tell me what they said and how they took it. If she doesnt I wont push her about it.

As far as standing up to her, I have always bowed under to her desires. If we disagreed on anything I was the one to give in. I am pretty submissive to anybody and everybody. I just cant handle confrontations. I just meant that if she gives me an ultimatum, I will do what I think is best. She hasnt so far so my fears seem to be unfounded.

I do really respect your advice Marni and am very gratefull that you posted on this topic. Thank you!

Mandy

[Guest eliza.d]

marni, the perspective you offer is very much an asset to this topic. also, i think it helps so many of us that are married at the time of coming out deal with how this all affects our spouses. its a great help, and believe it or not, what you have posted here is helping my wife and i figure things out too.

bless you for sharing with us and supporting us in these difficult times.

its very hard, when the first person you ever trust enough with yoir greastest secret, happens to ne the one youre married too.

hard on us for being afraid to hurt them and the possibility of losing them, but much harder on them. they did expect it, and dont know how to deal with it either. it takes love, understanding, and support for us towards our wives if we ever hope to minimize their suffering and hopefully keep them in our lives.

they dont wany to lose us, and we dont want to lose them.

Bless you Marni,

Eliza

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

My wife is back from going to talk to her parents and only her father was there. He said that it is only a phase, that I am thinking it will just be easier to be a girl, and that I will get over it. She didnt want to talk anymore and went to lay down. I am feeling really bad for her. I hope she goes back to talk to her mother about it. I want her to get as much support as she can.