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The Number One Reply, I'm Not Sure


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Guest sheriluv

I was always small as a child whith effeminate features. The boys were too rough, and I enjoyed playing with the girls. They would dress me up, and I looked like a girl. I never had body hair when all the boys were getting it, and I was ashamed to shower at gym because boys would laugh and pick on me. I got along quite well with the girls bcause they thought I was so petitemand they loved to play dressup, and doll my up very nice. I loved it,but pretended i didnt. I didnt like boys or thier rough games

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Guest Lindsey_Elaine

Hello Everyone!

My name is ( Legally ) Lindsey Wylde. I said goodbye to Robert 2 years ago! I have known that i was TG since, WOW 3 or 4 years old. I have Transitioned and De-Transitioned more than once. Mainly due to financial reasons. However, at this point i am completely fed up with fighting this anymore.

I have come out to just about everyone, up to and including Family and with some dire results. Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Nephews, Nieces and cousins?? Yep, all gone. The family members left standing are my Mom n Step Dad. They aren't completely understanding but they try. They just don't "get it" and to me that's ok. I can still call them and see them whenever i want and they actually care about me.

I am pretty much okay with a lot of the "TG Stuff" however, i am still dealing with Self Acceptance! Weird? I know! I live in a super small town in Southern Washington State and it's the land of Gun Racks n Six Packs... Yet, i still go out dressed how i feel. Honestly, i couldn't pass for a women in a dark alley without street lights. But! All Genetic Women aren't all Vogue Covers either!! I am just a girl with a little extra sprinkling of glitter***

I have a truly wonderful partner, and she knows literally every single thing about me. And she see's me for the woman I am and doesn't see the as she calls it " extra boy stuff!" Ya, she is amazing :) I suppose her and i were destined to meet somewhere somehow within the first week of dating i told her about me being trans and then i waited for the freak out or the walk away NOPE! Without missing a beat she looked at me and asked if i had ever taken HORMONES!! WHAT? HUH? WOOOOWWWW!!

She had apparently a year earlier had done a long study on TransGender and Gender in "General" so she knew all the info! ya, amazing.

Well, this is turning into a super long post so i shall take my leave.

Thank you for reading and for all the support

With Love n Blessings,

Lindsey Elaine Wylde

I

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Guest Darcie

Hi Laura,

I've just getting started here and learning the ropes. I posed an intro recently but really didn't go into much detail and decided I should have after reading some others here. I've already written a bio for my private MySpace page and thought it might do for a better bio. However, it might be too long. So, per instructions, I'm offering it here to you first for any editing you think might be appropriate. Feel free to delete any of it that might be too much. (I have a bad habit of saying too much). Thanks for a fantastic site and all you do to keep it going for the transgender community. —Darcie

Please to offer a little introduction... I'm a business owner, semi-active pianist/composer, sailor and recreational pilot. I'm creative, energetic, bi-lingual (English/French) and very much enjoy cooking, entertaining, stimulating conversation, comedy and adventures on land, sea and air. I'm also a MtF pre-op transexual. I feel blessed to bear the psychology, sexuality and presentation of both male and female identities but remain conflicted with not being able to fully live and express my feminine identity. While I'm grateful for my masculine qualities and the good parts they've brought my life, the feminine is my most natural, most at home state and now deeply longs for full expression. I'm presently seeing a very well respected gender therapist in preparation for full transition. I hope to be approved for HRT soon. Blessings and tender hugs to all. —Darcie

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Guest lilygirl2

I am a young male who has been struggling with transgender issue for a long time. But I recently mite someone is very supporitive of my crossdressing. But I'm afaird it is more then that but I am to ashamed to admit it. I don't now how to get past the shame and embrassment. I know that it is just me but I don't want to wait till its to late

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Guest LoboValiente

I wasn't sure what to put down as i just choose one that seemed okay. Who knows maybe I'll get my answers when i see a therapist. To tell the truth I wasn't sure of even signing up for this site. I was scared and really didnt like the idea of postingmy feeling on the interenet. But now i feel happen that i did because i have people who i can support and be supported by no labels required.

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Guest cynthash

Hi there! My name is Cynthia(well, not legally yet, but that unfortunate circumstance will change); I'm a 22 year old mtf in the first phase of transition(literally, I look more like a feminized guyXP). I have a background of fanatical religiosity, and a family of more-or-less mainstream Christians(still unaccepting). But I used to joke around about calling myself the "Glitter Girl" and stuff like that, so I've... had issues with this in the past. I began this journey in March of this year, when I realized I wasn't just joking around about girly stuff, I am a girl inside. I always liked the name Cynthia, and thought that if I ever had a daughter, I would call her that, but then I realized that I am Cynthia! I'm not terribly knowledgeable, and I tend to come up with really random stuff, so expect to find me in the process of: a) not paying attention B) jumping into a conversation with a really n00bish comment, etc. Also, if anyone needs a friend in Winnipeg, please contact me!

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Guest Secretsindy

I was confused for a very long time and didn't know what I was. I used to just say I was cursed or that I got cheated out of what I should have been at birth, a genetic woman. Now that I am here with what I have I had to deal with it and for a long time I didn't.

I hated myself, I thought I was ugly. My body physically was nither male nor female distinctively. As a male, I didn't have the taught muscles that one has despite how hard I worked at trying to develop them. I just ended up hurting myself through strain. I was always a little fleshy in parts of my body that if developed would have been female.

Even though I had male parts and appearance I had fleshier hips and bottom and more on the breast side as well. This confused me for a long time.

To make matters worse as a teen I was attracted to girls but soon started to notice that I had a significant attraction to men as well. After pondering all this at 20 The "I am cursed" became a mantra which stayed for many years to come.

I found that the definitions that the psychological profession uses merely for convenience of identifying, confused me even more.

Finally I had to come to grips with the force in my life that was now bringing my whole life to a screeching halt becasue I wasn't addressing these issues. I was hiding them. When I went back to reponder them again the intense confusion came over me and I was becoming depressed about life in general.

In the end I had to sit down and think, What are the facts here? First I like dressing like a woman, I like to be like one, I wanted to be one, and secondly I am attracted to men .

Even now I am trying not to settle on labels so I just accept myself as being attracted to men and in the capacity as a woman. This is a feeling of complete fulfillment.

Maybe we all just have to look at "ourselves" alone and say what DO I LIKE OR WHAT MAKES ME FEEL WHOLE? without someone elses opinion or influence. I we see ourselves in the light of our own vision, then maybe our own individual truth reveals itself.

I guess there is something said about listen to your Heart

I truly understand what you just posted,I always cliqued with the guys and many girls took me as being non aggressive and some thought I was queer,that word haunted until one day,I am different,I am who I am,I am not some handsome stud,the ladies always referred to me a sweetie or elder women understood my feminine disposition better than myself

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Guest Cayla Michelle

I don't think I was ever unsure. I am not saying there was never doubt. I am just saying I always knew I am a female.

What makes me angry is doctors are gready. They do not want to argue, and if you want their pills they will give them to you freely even if they do little, aand they learn proceders that are unthinkable in terms of the results on all humans that are worse than the diseases it was ued, but no treatments once they have ben aproved have ever been band.

I thoght I heard voices for years, and if doctors I went to had confronted me on the belief that I had heard sounds other than words and called them voices they would have refused to give me a scrip. I have been off anti-psychotics for nearly a month and I do not hear voices, and they do not go away on their own.

I have been off my anti-deppressent for they same mount of time, and I don't feel sad ever. I feel just as frustrated.

If I had made up my mind and acted, I would have gone further than I have. That is why e have to listen to ourselves, talk to therapist trained in self discovery, and do the other things.

I knew it. I just didn't always believe it; thought it was to good to be true.

Cayla

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Guest Ravyn

When I was young I dressed as a girl whenever I could get access to my sisters clothes. I was never comfortable around guys and preferred the company, laughter, closeness, comfort and activities of girls. As I grew older I tried everything I could to suppress my female mind. I became promiscuous with women (that passed), got married, divorced, and married again with (now grown) children. Even grew a beard lol. But I still found myself wanting to be with women, doing what they do, and being one, and I found life as a male to be unfullfilling and eventually unacceptable. What am I? For years I thought I was a two-spirit but my female side is no longer tolerant of male things. My GT is helping me work through this, but my heart tells me I'm mtf.

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Guest c.nikki.c1

I like the idea of gender as a spectrum. I currently list myself a transgender but that might change as I learn along this journey. I guess the main thing I don't want is being a round peg in a world of someone else's square holes.

Cath

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Guest DavinaG

I really feel that these labels we caregorize ourselves in do more to fragment our group than bring us together and legitmize who and how we are to the rest of society. If sexuallity can be a continuum from straight to gay then gender should be treated the same way, where we are all mentally somewhere between a man and a woman. Whether the label is TG, TS, CD, intersex, androgenous, or otherwise we are all brothers, sisters, or both and the goal is to help each other be ourselves whatever that may be. Stealing a word from JessicaWho, I am "genderific" and must be comfortable with who I am. Once we figure that one out the hard part starts, what are we going to do about it? This is where I feel we need each other regardless of labels.

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I dont really know what to say to start.. Sometimes I can blab on for a time but sometimes i cant think of what to say, like now.

Even when i might seem miserable i have a sense of humor that kicks in sometimes, but its not crude or rude or anything like that.

Of course, I am new here, and this is the place to introduce myself.

I'm a 48 yr old FTM mid-op TS. Used to go to a TS/TG chat place online since 1999, but they closed down, as things go sometimes, so was browsing around and found this again. Pretty sure I had looked at Laura's site at different times over the years when looking for info for me or others.

Started T in 95, had 2 surgeries in 97, and another in i think 2001? I think it was. Still not what you'd call "done" although some might call it done, I don't.

Everything I work and build myself up for, the endless game of shutes and ladders, jumping thru hoops, over and around and through obstacles as they apear... I can not say I have not done anything nor accomlished nothing, I have accomplished the impossible more than once; but just the same I end up feeling stuck at some point, until i somehow find a way to jump higher than the Himlayas to find I've landed in with whirlpool at Niagra, having to fight out of that and go upstream past the falls, to..who knows what. again. and then we go through door number 748, to see. But I'm just stuck this time. cant figure out anything, no one else seems to be able to figure out anything better than i can at this point, just stuck and time keeps slipping by, and i should have done all this when i was a kid but couldnt..

Guess that is where i am at now, if it made any sense to anyone. Maybe you've been there yourself.

--dan

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Guest KrisJoy

Let's see:

I'm mature. A baby boomer.

A veteran.

A scientist.

I'm pretty sure I'm a DES son.

I've dressed forever.

I've been to psychiatrists for analysis.

I was treated for depression after my second divorce and later had a gov't job.

Didn't want the Russians able to blackmail me so I filled out the clearance forms truthfully.

Because of my bit of depression and my cross dressing DOD required I be tested and counseled annually.

Enjoyed that.

I was certifiably sane in a crazy world at a crazy time.

Have no problem with autogynophile. Loving women so much you want to be one seems romantic somehow. So, label me that. I've been called much worse. It only hurts when it's someone I loved who delivers the invective.

At times it seems to me that the trans world may be the most reviled. Besides the usual jerks I'm used to the G and L taking swipes and I'm sure if I keep my gonads I'll still have darts from some 'true' transexuals. Pardon me, I'm the hand the cards dealt and I'm not ashamed of myself.

A father. I am primarily in the closet so as not to embarrass/confuse/give them another reason to roll their eyes - the kids.

All those close to me, and the grown up kids, know or find out my secret.

Sometimes that has been unpleasant. My father. Wow.

But, I think most of my circle has taken it in stride. Not too important in the grand scheme of things.

We have one child left in high school.

The plan is that I will 'come out' after he graduates which coincides with retirement. 'Out' is to dress in public places where he might be and lounge the pool in a two piece. Really want those tan lines as my skin begins to wrinkle. Write a book. Why not?

New life and we're talking new digs.

Unsure if my wife will accompany me. Hope so. But, while she has been kind, given me lots of privacy, shares jewelry, puts away my things if I forget to, and doesn't ask when I'm gone for weeks with suitcases of femme garb, she has never embraced that part of me. Can't understand dresses on anybody.

I'm a cancer survivor.

Cancer is liberating in many ways. It helps you to prioritize. Desiring feminization goes to the top of the list.

It's been two years since prostate cancer treatments ended and the PSA is remaining low. Yay!!

Treatment was androgen deprivation and radiation.

The hormone was Lupron which stopped all androgen production and made me feel like the living dead for nearly two years. Three fourths of me was missing; my gender identity, my gender preference, my gender behavior. All I had was my birth gender which I've never been too happy about.

I even purged under the influence, first time in 25 years, which is costing me a lot of money that I doubt insurance would be sympathetic about.

In hind sight I should have insisted upon concurrent estrogen which would have started my transition, under radiation, and also given the x-rays some more cells going through mitosis to kill. Might have been able to persuade the team. Suspect there will be other TG folk who will be faced with PCa treatment choices. If they have avoided HRT PCa could be an opportunity to get a dream underway. A cloud with a real lining? I'm sure the NIH says it needs research (money) but, in any event, we should tell our urologists what we most want, heart of hearts kind of thing. It was a mistake that I did not share that with him at that time.

As the Lupron wore off I started dieting like crazy. Want to get back to a size 10. Loosing weight and feeling great. Also, there were gynocomastic breasts that really started to stand out. They haven't gone away with the rest of the fat. Wearing a farmer john when I swim. Great also means I have never felt the desire to 'dress' more strongly.

Upon consultation and some more blood tests the working theory is that fat is turned into T via aromatase, and T can go to dihydro T by 5 alpha reductase or to estradiol (E2) also by aromatase. Maybe the flood of T from dieting was going more to E2 than 'normal'. Radiation? DES? Who cares? Yay, again!!

With a sympathetic endo for consultation (not presciption, oh well) and lots of blood work, I've begun using transdermal estradiol with spiro. I want to have finasteride as well as it will specifically block the 5aR but not now. I'm going to go until TGiving then taper off so as to determine where the PSA levels are when the dosed E2 and spiro are gone. Looking for a very happy New Year and back to HRT; maybe some laser and maybe some surgery. More friends, more adventures. Different sort of retirement, I guess.

Maybe one more technical paper:

HRT for MTF TS Following PCa.

I'm a geek. That's the final description.

Live, love, laugh, and be happy

Kris

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Guest Jack_457

I'm still unsure as to where i fit, though i am constantly learning more about myself.. the more i talk, confide in friends.. the easier it gets :)

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Guest Lenore

I wasn't entirely sure what to put down either, so I just put how I felt. Add in the fact that I registered at 2:30am and was half asleep, a lot of the choices didn't make much sense. Physically I've always felt like I was stuck right in the middle, and mentally I knew who I was, even if I had to hide it. But despite my certainty, I'm still not entirely sure. I'm hoping to find the answer to that question and many more soon.

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Guest MaxBlazer25

Hello. I am 19 years young and was born male. My parents first caught me in women's clothing when I was ten years old. I always felt out of place with my peers. The other boys call me gay and all sorts of other names. My parents don't accept me for who I am and haven't since I was 10.

My father is a retired marine corps drill sergeant, and my mother is a very devout christian church goer who is very "embarrassed of how I turned out". Mom drinks a lot now and it is because of me and my differences. I can't talk to anyone or ever dress or act how I feel.

I don't know what to do anymore and recently have been wanting to just give up. I tried ignoring the feeling and be like a man. I tried growing a beard but I just feel weird. I hate living this way. I want to transition but I don't think I will ever be able to. My family would hate me more than they already despise me, the people at my job would shun me and I fear I may get fired, and I would be out on the street and have nowhere to live. Everything would fall apart. I'm not sure which would be worse; dying on the streets alone and as a girl, or living as a man and hating myself with the conditional support of people who don't want to see what is right in front of them.

I'm not sure who I am, or what you would call my disposition. Ever since I was young I felt as though my life would be better and I would be happier if I had been born a girl.

I need help.

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Guest crocsrule4

I'm new here and not sure how to label how I feel. I was born male but have felt female my whole life. I think with my heart and have always been

very emotional. If I tried to describe myself I would say I believe I am 60% female and 40% male.

I am also bipolar so what side feels dominant changes constantly though I do try to feed and enjoy both.

Given a choice I would absolutely choose female though I have no longer have any desire to change the outside only live

all that I love about feeling female in daily life.

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Guest levi (zack)

ok i basically started my transition because my ex boyfriend is transgender FTM i started transitioning after he rejected me the second time but now i've been doing it for about 7 months and i still haven't stopped i think i feel comfterbal being a "guy" but its kinda hard getting used to people calling me zack mainly because this kinda the second month that people actually started trying to call me zack and think of me as a boy i'm confused is it a fase or will it continue the rest of my life?

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Zak, you say you started your transition because your ex boyfriend rejected you twice? Perhaps i have it wrong, but you need to be about your motives as its a very big step to take................ :unsure:

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Guest levi (zack)

Zak, you say you started your transition because your ex boyfriend rejected you twice? Perhaps i have it wrong, but you need to be about your motives as its a very big step to take................ :unsure:

it was once but after i got over him i kinda kept transitioning and i think i feel better when people call my a boy and think of my as a boy but i don't like my name...... my mom picked it.....

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  • 6 years later...

Hi everyone im not sure if i am trans, i crossdress but feel more comfortable looking like a woman and have even had thoughts about  what it would be like having sex as a woman, i would dress everyday if i could and try to always look as feminine as i can when i do dress i always go for full make up and a wig and jewellery im not sure if im trans and i consider myself to be straight 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Melanie.  Welcome!

 

It sure sounds like you might be trans.  Have to talked to a gender therapist?  That would be a good way to explore who you really are.  I know that wait lists are insane in the UK, so it might be advisable to get your name in the queue.

 

Sexual orientation is not usually related to gender identity.  But, yes, the terminology does get confusing.  If you consider yourself straight as a guy, you'd probably (no guarantees, though) end up as a lesbian woman, should you decide to transition.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Melanie legs said:

Hi everyone im not sure if i am trans, i crossdress but feel more comfortable looking like a woman...

 

...i consider myself to be straight 

 

1 hour ago, Melanie legs said:

Well i guess straight isnt the correct way of looking at myself if i feel better as a woman

Welcome Melanie, glad you decided to join us.  The fact that your searching likely means you are probably somewhere in the transgender spectrum.  Very few truly cis-het individuals are looking for the answers you seem to be looking for.  Maybe a few out of curiosity or research but it’s usually more than just that.  No one can answer these questions about yourself but you have come to a place that will likely help in your assessment and get you down the right path.  As @KathyLauren pointed out, finding a therapist with a specialty in gender issues is a great place to start too.

 

If you have a moment and feel comfortable enough, many of us here would love to know a little more about your journey up to this point and how you came to this place in the Introductions section of our forum.  Thank you for sharing and hope to hear more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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The other documents would be easy to change. She waited in a waiting room.  They gave her lunch at noon, and at 2:00 the discharge papers finally arrived. "I will need some way to get home." "He's downstairs in the lobby.  You can meet him there." "Great." ----------------------------------------------------- "What are we going to do about Marketing?"  this was the Chairman of the Board.  He had been asking this for years. This Saturday afternoon the Board had dropped their golf game in light of the sudden drop in sales.  This was not quite an emergency, but close. There was debate.  They finally agreed that since Gibson had been given something that they now considered a raw deal, and turned it into a cash cow for the company anyway, he deserved promotion.  They needed to ramp up Marketing  and Sales because the traditional products were market laggers now and there was pressure to open up the forty acres of industrial facilities they had closed when the jobs went to China.  They needed to find a way to create jobs. Gibson would be moved from Marketing to be the new Vice President of Marketing and Sales. A key job would be identifying new markets they could enter and expanding product appeal. "So who gets his job?" Discussion. Obviously it needed a college graduate.  There was only one in Marketing, this Taylor person.  Should they promote a transgender?  HR spoke up and said that since she was the only one in Marketing with a degree, it would be almost a fatal flaw not to promote her if they could.  Policy was to always promote from within if possible. She was beginning to work on her Master's. Point in her favor.  She brought fresh, young blood to the company. Another point.  Everyone liked her. Quick learner. Sharp. Emotionally stable.  Positive. They had confidence in her, even if she was new to the company, that she could handle the job.  When could HR have the paperwork ready?  Good. This would be announced first thing Monday morning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob found himself at a loss as to what to do with himself.  He made himself coffee with the new coffee maker and the new coffee, made a PBJ with the new bread, the new PB and the new jelly, and ate an apple, all at the new table.  It was almost like she was there.  He even did the dishes and put the clean ones in the dish rack and made his bed.   He threw himself into work that could have waited for Monday.  He worked on a financial projection and his personal budget and then went over to the hospital. No, he would not be allowed to see her.  She was fine. Don't worry.   He went for a walk this nice spring day.  He just happened to walk around the hospital, hoping she would be standing at a window somewhere. Nope.  He ate a TV dinner she had bought him and tinkered with his motorcycle and went to bed.   The next day he ate a breakfast that happened to be there from the stuff Taylor had bought, which made him miss her even more.  He went to the church they had visited Wednesday night, partly because he was curious, but mainly to sit next to the chair she had sat in Wednesday night, as if that would make her appear.   Worship was similar to Wednesday night and Brother Mike spoke.  Before he began he saw Bob and in surprise said, "Sir, I wanted to catch you Wednesday night but I didn't. Can  I ask you please to stay afterwards and come up here and talk to me?" That was fine with Bob.  They also had information no one in town had.   The sermon, altar call and closing song over, Bob made his way to the front. Brother Mike came over to him.  "Sir,I want to ask your forgiveness for want it must have seemed like to you Wednesday night.  And on behalf of my wife, for Tuesday. She had Taylor confused with someone else.  Will you forgive us?" Quite the start.  "Sure." "In 2015 I was the youth pastor at Hutton Church." [Hutton is a little village outside of Roosevelt, consisting of a church, half a dozen houses, a gas station and a Dollar General Store. The kids go to Roosevelt schools.] "Small world." "I remember there was a terrible assault on one of the youth at the high school, and there was a prayer campaign for that boy. He made a full recovery.  I recall a number of  news articles even though the family requested privacy.  I remember a Bob being mentioned as a close friend of the assaulted.  You strongly resemble him, and I am puzzled by your companion. She looks like the boy a lot.  That is why I kept looking in your direction.  Not in accusation." "She was him." "Really." "This is the same Taylor people are talking about - who changed from male to female?" "I think she was never a male, actually." "Really.  Well, I didn't build this church by accusing anyone or making anyone feel bad, and I think both those things happened with you and - Taylor.  I want you to know you are welcome here.  If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.  Did you know that over half this church came forward Wednesday night with sexual issues of one sort or another?  You are not alone. Excuse me, that is presumptuous, that you have such issues. I have no right to pry.  But thank you for coming back."   Not bad, Bob thought. Not bad at all.    A quick fast food lunch and he was at the hospital.  Was she being discharged? He was her ride, so they were willing to tell him. He could wait. And he did.        
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Was excited today,my new toolbox has been shipped out,Snap On dealer told me this.It took this long since it was ordered to get it.My other co workers and I were right about the new employee that started yesterday,He was fired this afternoon.Was on his phone again and boss caught him do it.Plus he did call me an offensive word,the C word my boss hates.I did report that to my boss.My boss believes in treating women right
    • Sally Stone
      ss,   I can't say that my image in the mirror has helped me understand why I am bi-gender.  I'm pretty certain the reason I identify as bi-gender  has to do with how I feel inside.  About mirrors though, I do clearly see my inner woman when I look at myself in the mirror.  
    • MaeBe
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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