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The Number One Reply, I'm Not Sure

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Guest sheriluv

I was always small as a child whith effeminate features. The boys were too rough, and I enjoyed playing with the girls. They would dress me up, and I looked like a girl. I never had body hair when all the boys were getting it, and I was ashamed to shower at gym because boys would laugh and pick on me. I got along quite well with the girls bcause they thought I was so petitemand they loved to play dressup, and doll my up very nice. I loved it,but pretended i didnt. I didnt like boys or thier rough games

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Guest Lindsey_Elaine

Hello Everyone!

My name is ( Legally ) Lindsey Wylde. I said goodbye to Robert 2 years ago! I have known that i was TG since, WOW 3 or 4 years old. I have Transitioned and De-Transitioned more than once. Mainly due to financial reasons. However, at this point i am completely fed up with fighting this anymore.

I have come out to just about everyone, up to and including Family and with some dire results. Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Nephews, Nieces and cousins?? Yep, all gone. The family members left standing are my Mom n Step Dad. They aren't completely understanding but they try. They just don't "get it" and to me that's ok. I can still call them and see them whenever i want and they actually care about me.

I am pretty much okay with a lot of the "TG Stuff" however, i am still dealing with Self Acceptance! Weird? I know! I live in a super small town in Southern Washington State and it's the land of Gun Racks n Six Packs... Yet, i still go out dressed how i feel. Honestly, i couldn't pass for a women in a dark alley without street lights. But! All Genetic Women aren't all Vogue Covers either!! I am just a girl with a little extra sprinkling of glitter***

I have a truly wonderful partner, and she knows literally every single thing about me. And she see's me for the woman I am and doesn't see the as she calls it " extra boy stuff!" Ya, she is amazing :) I suppose her and i were destined to meet somewhere somehow within the first week of dating i told her about me being trans and then i waited for the freak out or the walk away NOPE! Without missing a beat she looked at me and asked if i had ever taken HORMONES!! WHAT? HUH? WOOOOWWWW!!

She had apparently a year earlier had done a long study on TransGender and Gender in "General" so she knew all the info! ya, amazing.

Well, this is turning into a super long post so i shall take my leave.

Thank you for reading and for all the support

With Love n Blessings,

Lindsey Elaine Wylde

I

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Guest Darcie

Hi Laura,

I've just getting started here and learning the ropes. I posed an intro recently but really didn't go into much detail and decided I should have after reading some others here. I've already written a bio for my private MySpace page and thought it might do for a better bio. However, it might be too long. So, per instructions, I'm offering it here to you first for any editing you think might be appropriate. Feel free to delete any of it that might be too much. (I have a bad habit of saying too much). Thanks for a fantastic site and all you do to keep it going for the transgender community. —Darcie

Please to offer a little introduction... I'm a business owner, semi-active pianist/composer, sailor and recreational pilot. I'm creative, energetic, bi-lingual (English/French) and very much enjoy cooking, entertaining, stimulating conversation, comedy and adventures on land, sea and air. I'm also a MtF pre-op transexual. I feel blessed to bear the psychology, sexuality and presentation of both male and female identities but remain conflicted with not being able to fully live and express my feminine identity. While I'm grateful for my masculine qualities and the good parts they've brought my life, the feminine is my most natural, most at home state and now deeply longs for full expression. I'm presently seeing a very well respected gender therapist in preparation for full transition. I hope to be approved for HRT soon. Blessings and tender hugs to all. —Darcie

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Guest lilygirl2

I am a young male who has been struggling with transgender issue for a long time. But I recently mite someone is very supporitive of my crossdressing. But I'm afaird it is more then that but I am to ashamed to admit it. I don't now how to get past the shame and embrassment. I know that it is just me but I don't want to wait till its to late

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Guest LoboValiente

I wasn't sure what to put down as i just choose one that seemed okay. Who knows maybe I'll get my answers when i see a therapist. To tell the truth I wasn't sure of even signing up for this site. I was scared and really didnt like the idea of postingmy feeling on the interenet. But now i feel happen that i did because i have people who i can support and be supported by no labels required.

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Guest cynthash

Hi there! My name is Cynthia(well, not legally yet, but that unfortunate circumstance will change); I'm a 22 year old mtf in the first phase of transition(literally, I look more like a feminized guyXP). I have a background of fanatical religiosity, and a family of more-or-less mainstream Christians(still unaccepting). But I used to joke around about calling myself the "Glitter Girl" and stuff like that, so I've... had issues with this in the past. I began this journey in March of this year, when I realized I wasn't just joking around about girly stuff, I am a girl inside. I always liked the name Cynthia, and thought that if I ever had a daughter, I would call her that, but then I realized that I am Cynthia! I'm not terribly knowledgeable, and I tend to come up with really random stuff, so expect to find me in the process of: a) not paying attention B) jumping into a conversation with a really n00bish comment, etc. Also, if anyone needs a friend in Winnipeg, please contact me!

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Guest Secretsindy

I was confused for a very long time and didn't know what I was. I used to just say I was cursed or that I got cheated out of what I should have been at birth, a genetic woman. Now that I am here with what I have I had to deal with it and for a long time I didn't.

I hated myself, I thought I was ugly. My body physically was nither male nor female distinctively. As a male, I didn't have the taught muscles that one has despite how hard I worked at trying to develop them. I just ended up hurting myself through strain. I was always a little fleshy in parts of my body that if developed would have been female.

Even though I had male parts and appearance I had fleshier hips and bottom and more on the breast side as well. This confused me for a long time.

To make matters worse as a teen I was attracted to girls but soon started to notice that I had a significant attraction to men as well. After pondering all this at 20 The "I am cursed" became a mantra which stayed for many years to come.

I found that the definitions that the psychological profession uses merely for convenience of identifying, confused me even more.

Finally I had to come to grips with the force in my life that was now bringing my whole life to a screeching halt becasue I wasn't addressing these issues. I was hiding them. When I went back to reponder them again the intense confusion came over me and I was becoming depressed about life in general.

In the end I had to sit down and think, What are the facts here? First I like dressing like a woman, I like to be like one, I wanted to be one, and secondly I am attracted to men .

Even now I am trying not to settle on labels so I just accept myself as being attracted to men and in the capacity as a woman. This is a feeling of complete fulfillment.

Maybe we all just have to look at "ourselves" alone and say what DO I LIKE OR WHAT MAKES ME FEEL WHOLE? without someone elses opinion or influence. I we see ourselves in the light of our own vision, then maybe our own individual truth reveals itself.

I guess there is something said about listen to your Heart

I truly understand what you just posted,I always cliqued with the guys and many girls took me as being non aggressive and some thought I was queer,that word haunted until one day,I am different,I am who I am,I am not some handsome stud,the ladies always referred to me a sweetie or elder women understood my feminine disposition better than myself

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Guest Cayla Michelle

I don't think I was ever unsure. I am not saying there was never doubt. I am just saying I always knew I am a female.

What makes me angry is doctors are gready. They do not want to argue, and if you want their pills they will give them to you freely even if they do little, aand they learn proceders that are unthinkable in terms of the results on all humans that are worse than the diseases it was ued, but no treatments once they have ben aproved have ever been band.

I thoght I heard voices for years, and if doctors I went to had confronted me on the belief that I had heard sounds other than words and called them voices they would have refused to give me a scrip. I have been off anti-psychotics for nearly a month and I do not hear voices, and they do not go away on their own.

I have been off my anti-deppressent for they same mount of time, and I don't feel sad ever. I feel just as frustrated.

If I had made up my mind and acted, I would have gone further than I have. That is why e have to listen to ourselves, talk to therapist trained in self discovery, and do the other things.

I knew it. I just didn't always believe it; thought it was to good to be true.

Cayla

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Guest Ravyn

When I was young I dressed as a girl whenever I could get access to my sisters clothes. I was never comfortable around guys and preferred the company, laughter, closeness, comfort and activities of girls. As I grew older I tried everything I could to suppress my female mind. I became promiscuous with women (that passed), got married, divorced, and married again with (now grown) children. Even grew a beard lol. But I still found myself wanting to be with women, doing what they do, and being one, and I found life as a male to be unfullfilling and eventually unacceptable. What am I? For years I thought I was a two-spirit but my female side is no longer tolerant of male things. My GT is helping me work through this, but my heart tells me I'm mtf.

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Guest c.nikki.c1

I like the idea of gender as a spectrum. I currently list myself a transgender but that might change as I learn along this journey. I guess the main thing I don't want is being a round peg in a world of someone else's square holes.

Cath

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Guest DavinaG

I really feel that these labels we caregorize ourselves in do more to fragment our group than bring us together and legitmize who and how we are to the rest of society. If sexuallity can be a continuum from straight to gay then gender should be treated the same way, where we are all mentally somewhere between a man and a woman. Whether the label is TG, TS, CD, intersex, androgenous, or otherwise we are all brothers, sisters, or both and the goal is to help each other be ourselves whatever that may be. Stealing a word from JessicaWho, I am "genderific" and must be comfortable with who I am. Once we figure that one out the hard part starts, what are we going to do about it? This is where I feel we need each other regardless of labels.

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Guest DanD

I dont really know what to say to start.. Sometimes I can blab on for a time but sometimes i cant think of what to say, like now.

Even when i might seem miserable i have a sense of humor that kicks in sometimes, but its not crude or rude or anything like that.

Of course, I am new here, and this is the place to introduce myself.

I'm a 48 yr old FTM mid-op TS. Used to go to a TS/TG chat place online since 1999, but they closed down, as things go sometimes, so was browsing around and found this again. Pretty sure I had looked at Laura's site at different times over the years when looking for info for me or others.

Started T in 95, had 2 surgeries in 97, and another in i think 2001? I think it was. Still not what you'd call "done" although some might call it done, I don't.

Everything I work and build myself up for, the endless game of shutes and ladders, jumping thru hoops, over and around and through obstacles as they apear... I can not say I have not done anything nor accomlished nothing, I have accomplished the impossible more than once; but just the same I end up feeling stuck at some point, until i somehow find a way to jump higher than the Himlayas to find I've landed in with whirlpool at Niagra, having to fight out of that and go upstream past the falls, to..who knows what. again. and then we go through door number 748, to see. But I'm just stuck this time. cant figure out anything, no one else seems to be able to figure out anything better than i can at this point, just stuck and time keeps slipping by, and i should have done all this when i was a kid but couldnt..

Guess that is where i am at now, if it made any sense to anyone. Maybe you've been there yourself.

--dan

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Guest KrisJoy

Let's see:

I'm mature. A baby boomer.

A veteran.

A scientist.

I'm pretty sure I'm a DES son.

I've dressed forever.

I've been to psychiatrists for analysis.

I was treated for depression after my second divorce and later had a gov't job.

Didn't want the Russians able to blackmail me so I filled out the clearance forms truthfully.

Because of my bit of depression and my cross dressing DOD required I be tested and counseled annually.

Enjoyed that.

I was certifiably sane in a crazy world at a crazy time.

Have no problem with autogynophile. Loving women so much you want to be one seems romantic somehow. So, label me that. I've been called much worse. It only hurts when it's someone I loved who delivers the invective.

At times it seems to me that the trans world may be the most reviled. Besides the usual jerks I'm used to the G and L taking swipes and I'm sure if I keep my gonads I'll still have darts from some 'true' transexuals. Pardon me, I'm the hand the cards dealt and I'm not ashamed of myself.

A father. I am primarily in the closet so as not to embarrass/confuse/give them another reason to roll their eyes - the kids.

All those close to me, and the grown up kids, know or find out my secret.

Sometimes that has been unpleasant. My father. Wow.

But, I think most of my circle has taken it in stride. Not too important in the grand scheme of things.

We have one child left in high school.

The plan is that I will 'come out' after he graduates which coincides with retirement. 'Out' is to dress in public places where he might be and lounge the pool in a two piece. Really want those tan lines as my skin begins to wrinkle. Write a book. Why not?

New life and we're talking new digs.

Unsure if my wife will accompany me. Hope so. But, while she has been kind, given me lots of privacy, shares jewelry, puts away my things if I forget to, and doesn't ask when I'm gone for weeks with suitcases of femme garb, she has never embraced that part of me. Can't understand dresses on anybody.

I'm a cancer survivor.

Cancer is liberating in many ways. It helps you to prioritize. Desiring feminization goes to the top of the list.

It's been two years since prostate cancer treatments ended and the PSA is remaining low. Yay!!

Treatment was androgen deprivation and radiation.

The hormone was Lupron which stopped all androgen production and made me feel like the living dead for nearly two years. Three fourths of me was missing; my gender identity, my gender preference, my gender behavior. All I had was my birth gender which I've never been too happy about.

I even purged under the influence, first time in 25 years, which is costing me a lot of money that I doubt insurance would be sympathetic about.

In hind sight I should have insisted upon concurrent estrogen which would have started my transition, under radiation, and also given the x-rays some more cells going through mitosis to kill. Might have been able to persuade the team. Suspect there will be other TG folk who will be faced with PCa treatment choices. If they have avoided HRT PCa could be an opportunity to get a dream underway. A cloud with a real lining? I'm sure the NIH says it needs research (money) but, in any event, we should tell our urologists what we most want, heart of hearts kind of thing. It was a mistake that I did not share that with him at that time.

As the Lupron wore off I started dieting like crazy. Want to get back to a size 10. Loosing weight and feeling great. Also, there were gynocomastic breasts that really started to stand out. They haven't gone away with the rest of the fat. Wearing a farmer john when I swim. Great also means I have never felt the desire to 'dress' more strongly.

Upon consultation and some more blood tests the working theory is that fat is turned into T via aromatase, and T can go to dihydro T by 5 alpha reductase or to estradiol (E2) also by aromatase. Maybe the flood of T from dieting was going more to E2 than 'normal'. Radiation? DES? Who cares? Yay, again!!

With a sympathetic endo for consultation (not presciption, oh well) and lots of blood work, I've begun using transdermal estradiol with spiro. I want to have finasteride as well as it will specifically block the 5aR but not now. I'm going to go until TGiving then taper off so as to determine where the PSA levels are when the dosed E2 and spiro are gone. Looking for a very happy New Year and back to HRT; maybe some laser and maybe some surgery. More friends, more adventures. Different sort of retirement, I guess.

Maybe one more technical paper:

HRT for MTF TS Following PCa.

I'm a geek. That's the final description.

Live, love, laugh, and be happy

Kris

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Guest Jack_457

I'm still unsure as to where i fit, though i am constantly learning more about myself.. the more i talk, confide in friends.. the easier it gets :)

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Guest Lenore

I wasn't entirely sure what to put down either, so I just put how I felt. Add in the fact that I registered at 2:30am and was half asleep, a lot of the choices didn't make much sense. Physically I've always felt like I was stuck right in the middle, and mentally I knew who I was, even if I had to hide it. But despite my certainty, I'm still not entirely sure. I'm hoping to find the answer to that question and many more soon.

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Guest MaxBlazer25

Hello. I am 19 years young and was born male. My parents first caught me in women's clothing when I was ten years old. I always felt out of place with my peers. The other boys call me gay and all sorts of other names. My parents don't accept me for who I am and haven't since I was 10.

My father is a retired marine corps drill sergeant, and my mother is a very devout christian church goer who is very "embarrassed of how I turned out". Mom drinks a lot now and it is because of me and my differences. I can't talk to anyone or ever dress or act how I feel.

I don't know what to do anymore and recently have been wanting to just give up. I tried ignoring the feeling and be like a man. I tried growing a beard but I just feel weird. I hate living this way. I want to transition but I don't think I will ever be able to. My family would hate me more than they already despise me, the people at my job would shun me and I fear I may get fired, and I would be out on the street and have nowhere to live. Everything would fall apart. I'm not sure which would be worse; dying on the streets alone and as a girl, or living as a man and hating myself with the conditional support of people who don't want to see what is right in front of them.

I'm not sure who I am, or what you would call my disposition. Ever since I was young I felt as though my life would be better and I would be happier if I had been born a girl.

I need help.

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Guest OutOfTheNight

Melisiris- I heard that if you're still young, T will make FTMs taller

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Guest crocsrule4

I'm new here and not sure how to label how I feel. I was born male but have felt female my whole life. I think with my heart and have always been

very emotional. If I tried to describe myself I would say I believe I am 60% female and 40% male.

I am also bipolar so what side feels dominant changes constantly though I do try to feed and enjoy both.

Given a choice I would absolutely choose female though I have no longer have any desire to change the outside only live

all that I love about feeling female in daily life.

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Guest levi (zack)

ok i basically started my transition because my ex boyfriend is transgender FTM i started transitioning after he rejected me the second time but now i've been doing it for about 7 months and i still haven't stopped i think i feel comfterbal being a "guy" but its kinda hard getting used to people calling me zack mainly because this kinda the second month that people actually started trying to call me zack and think of me as a boy i'm confused is it a fase or will it continue the rest of my life?

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Guest Jaques

Zak, you say you started your transition because your ex boyfriend rejected you twice? Perhaps i have it wrong, but you need to be about your motives as its a very big step to take................ :unsure:

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Guest levi (zack)

Zak, you say you started your transition because your ex boyfriend rejected you twice? Perhaps i have it wrong, but you need to be about your motives as its a very big step to take................ :unsure:

it was once but after i got over him i kinda kept transitioning and i think i feel better when people call my a boy and think of my as a boy but i don't like my name...... my mom picked it.....

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